faith-
Your H's reaction to you shutting the door on him is very telling - it seems to have scared the poo out of him. I hope that at the very least, if recovery should happen (and I do believe it is still possible) I hope you are able to finally make it clear to him that you will not tolerate another A. It almost seems like he was "let of the hook" a little too easily the other 2 times.
I do not like that counselors comment - that he made it very clear what he wanted. Yeah, in that moment that was what he wanted. But just look - the next day he was singing a different tune.
It was interesteing for me to read your words "thats it, I'm done, you are not worth it". I recall hearing thsoe same words - coming out of my own mouth. You do, at times, wonder why you are working so hard to keep someone around, who is causing you so much pain.
But I di no think this is over yet.
I can't hear the fat lady singing.....
By the way - I live in Portland. Nice to see so many people here from the Northwest!

Translation service:

"I think I misunderstood the question that the MC was asking. I wasn't saying I definatly want a divorce. I meant I am still just seeing what happens."

Seeing what happends means ..." I want the freedom to date BUT I do NOT want to acknowledge that my dating threatens the security I feel being married to you"


"You know what? I wasn't really paying attention.

"you know what, my head is up my butt."

"You had me upset when we were talking about the girls moving with me and my mind was still there I think. "

"Your Plan A is scaring the CRAP out of me! How can you expect me to have fun dating Miss Thang, while taking care of (your) 2 daughters by myself in Texas? That's NOT FAIR! "

" I really do want to see if there is anything for me to hold on to in this marriage still."

"So put your life *on hold* for a year while I have fun. Okay?"

"Can we take it week by week? Let's set up milestones and see where we go."

Give me a loooong playtime in fantasy-land so I can hurt you week by week. Slow torture is way better for me, if not for you."

So, he asks me to do the same as him and see what happens.

Honey-girl, Faithinme .... you should have said, "You want me to do the same as you? See what happends? Take things week by week? Hmmmmm...OK ... I will also find someone to date, and take it week by week. I'm starting to see how this will work for me too."

Plant this seed of doubt. But take no real steps. He needs to worry about his wonderful "week-by-week" plan possibly backfiring on him .....

He still wanted me to know that right now he hasn't changed his mind about a divorce and unless something does change that will happen.

So, change something.... change the situation to one where HE is the one dangling in suspense of whether or not he'll have a marriage to return to once he's finished dating.

He's too cocky now.

But he also wanted to say that he made a mistake saying he "definately" wants a divorce.

Well, yeah... coz you showed him the exit sign.

This shows YOU how ambivilant he actually is.


Use this to your advantage. Start to prepare OUT IN THE OPEN for living alone. get a separate bank account. A PO box. A credit card without his name on it. .... whatever comes to your mind... and leave evidence out where he can see it.

Send away to one of those on-line match-maker services, ask they mail an application to your home. let H pick up the mail.

Shake his tree.

Pep <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

I agree with Pep wholeheartedly! He's very comfortable with Plan A but when Plan B came into sight, he panicked. Now you're back to Plan A and he's back to the same behavior.

He's depending on you to be there if dating this "child" in Texas doesn't work. There's a BIG difference between 30 and 22 especially if there are 3 children involved. They may have lived in the same world while deployed but their worlds are completely different now. He needs to see that.

If he sees that you can move on, that you too are planning your life without him, and your world will not crumble without him, he'll rethink the move to Texas. With Plan A you are just providing him a place to come back to if he isn't happy there. Don't. You're enabling him to go down that path.

Didn't seeing the research you did on schools in Texas throw him? Didn't your statement that you are through when he said he definately wanted a divorce in counseling throw him? Think what would go through his mind if he thinks that you may be moving forward with establishing other relationships. Remember when you changed dresses for lunch? He thinks he has you and can treat you any way he wants. It worked twice before why not this time? As Dr. Phil likes to say, we teach people how to treat us.

Have him sit the children on night while you go clubbing with some friends-you could go to Barnes and Noble to read if that's not your thing. Buy a special dress that will knock his socks off. Don't come in until 2 a.m. Write the number of a large company on a napkin and leave it in your purse. He'll call the number to see who it is but with a large company, he won't be able to know exactly who the number belongs to. Call an attorney's number and when they answer, tell them sorry but you have the wrong number. He just may use redial to see who you have called. It'll shock him. Make him think! Make him wonder! Right now all he has to think about is her. You're safe to him and he doesn't have to "think" about your situation.

Remember this. She's panicking. He's there with you and she's too far away to continue her hold on him. She's desperately saying what he wants to hear ergo his reaction after speaking with her. He's tugged in both directions. I'm sure her parents aren't too thrilled with her and being 22, she's telling all of her friends about this guy who's forsaking all to be with her. She can't lose face in the situation. She's fighting with all she's got. Men aren't smart enough to know this. (sorry guys but we women know this is true) You have the home court advantage-use it, but use it wisely. Plan A'ing him will not make him want to stay as much as knowing when he leaves, he has no hope of coming back. Show him you can live on without him and live very well. If he thinks that taking the children with him will give you free reign to date so be it. Continue to express that it might be a possibility. Throw him off, make him THINK with his upper brain.

Good Morning <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I just came back from a morning PLAN A trip and read the posts from last night and today. I do believe WE are all on the same page.

I got up early today, left WH in bed, went out to the living room and while "whispering" made a call asking someone to meet me for coffee. Now, the call was made to my family's business where no one was, but after I got off the phone I quietly went to the bathroom so as "not to disburb" WH while being sure to hum a little happy song just loud enough for him to hear but so as to seem I'm trying not to wake him. I got all cute, pulled out my little black heels (closet is right next to his side of the bed) and told him I was going to run up to Starbucks for a little quiet time by myself before everyone woke up. Made sure to lean in close to tell him since I put on one of his favorite perfumes while getting ready.
Now, it's an hour later, I just got back, brought him a coffee, am in a GREAT mood (cheerful, happy, laughing) and told him I had a little "work" to do on the computer, so could I please have about 15 minutes while he keeps an eye on the kids. "What kind of work?" he asks. Just stuff, I say with a smile and a peck on the cheek while being a little distracted and a bit antsy to get to the computer. I'm about to print off information on season passes to Six Flags in San Antonio to leave by the computer later <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

It's a beautiful day here so I'm going to go see what we can find to do later. I'll be back. Have a wonderful day everyone <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

bwhahahaaaaa, way to go, Faith! And you could also check into season passes to Feista Texas! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

The PLACE for children in San Antone is Camp Hyatt, which is wonderful for kids! They have all sorts of activities for kids there in addition to a real fun winding [man-made] river for the kids to float and play in. They have movies and weenie roasts out on the lawn for the kids. The kids LOVE it! It is a fabulous hotel.

http://hillcountry.hyatt.com/property/hotelinfo/about/index.jhtml

MelodyLane - Thanks for the info. I printed out both of the places you suggested, 4 private schools in the area (I can't believe how many Catholic schools are in San Antonio!!) with yahoo! directions from her apartment to the schools <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> , and crime/neighborhood statistics on her area. It's just under my computer with a corner sticking out right by somebody's work phone number <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

We ran some errands and got the kids some new shoes today. I'm taking the advice given here and meeting his admiration needs. It's hard....but I'm doing it. I'm having to make most of it up right now as there's not much admirable about a man who mopes around like a little boy who's lost his puppy though.

Venting here......

I just wanna smack some sense into him and tell him to stop feeling sorry for himself and join us in the REAL world!!

I'm not though <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> (that's a fake and sarcastic smile by the way)

Ugh. Well, I'm off to take the kids somewhere. He left about an hour ago to run to the store and still isn't back. Since we had all talked about going on a walk, the kids and I will run to the store. I'm getting him a book I know he will like but I'll let him stew here at home for a little while wondering if we went without him. Then - wehn he's assuming the worst and getting a little upset that we'd go off without him, I'll surprise him with a nicely wrapped little gift from his adoring family before we go for that family walk. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

GOOD FOR YOU!!!!

Since this is your H's third time at bat ... he better know going in, that this is his THIRD strike! And after this, he's O-U-T !!!

Another Dr. Phil-ism....

"The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior."

And this swings BOTH WAYS ... WS and BS behavior.

Right now your H is predicting YOUR future behavior on YOUR past behavior .... you will take him back after his affair... like you did in the past.

If I were in your shoes, I'd make DAMN SURE he knew his prediction is 100% incorrect. I would have a list of attorneys ready. I would have all my divorce ducks lined up before he leaves ... and let him know about it! If he leaves for Texas, have child support documents before he hits the road.

And for now, start using him to sit while you run errands, and have your cell phone off, and return LATE by 2 and one-half hours,

He better know that this is no longer a revolving door in and out of his marriage. If he exits, his name is taken off the mailbox, his name is removed from the phone message machine greeting, and his articles of clothing, etc, are boxed and removed to storage.

Play hard ball. But always with a joyful heart, and wearing sexy clothes! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> He's going to see this is not a repeat of past affairs where he can come back with an "I'm sorry. I made a mistake. Please forgive me."

If you don't do this ---> let him know before he leaves that there is not an automatic easy route back home this time, he has NO REASON not to have this affair!!!

Give him a reason to stop this affair. Do not give him reason to think he can repeat as he did in the past.

Pep

FaithinMe- you are doing beautifully. Have a check at Divorce Busters site as well for lists of 180s.

My husband is also a serial cheater. Only one waman though , the last, said they had sex once and the other times he was with her (twice) were makeout sessions. The other girls were astonished to find out he was NOT seperated and that he did live with his wife and children. I always talked very nicely and calmly to them and they were very open about what had been going on. I'm 'lucky'*puke* in that my husbamd's entanglements were extremely superficial and ego-driven. He still adamantly and angrily denies having sex with her in her car. I did catch her in a couple lies while she talked to me (like she ddnt know he was married, but she knew my name without me saying it). All the women he has been entangled with were far removed from our homelife.

Don't feel weak about changing your mind about Plan A. Just remember, afterwards, you will have NO regrets. And that is also why I am still here working on things with my husband. I do not want to look myslf in the mirror and wonder if I did everything I could a couple years down the road.

Protect yourself. Stand tall. Keep going.

I posted last night but it's not here. I wasn't able to get on at all last after that and feel like I went through withdrawals from not being here. That's bad:)

Anyway, we came back from the store and sure enough he was here, the truck was out front and he wasn't around. So the kids and I hung around the house and started playing outside. He comes home (he was across the street at a friends house) with a bit of an attitude. "Couldn't you just wait for me to get home?" "I wasn't gone that long." STuff like that. As it turns out, he didn't have his key and couldn't get in so he assumed I purposely locked him out of the house.

.... the award goes to FiM for not laughing in his face at the thought of him being stuck outside looking in with no family ready to greet the wayward man of the house.

I told him, "We just wanted to get out for a while and I hoped we'd be back before you. We would have preferred to have had you with us anyway." Smile. "Guess what though. We got you a little present."

He ways, "Maybe I was gone longer than I thought. YOu really didn't mean to lock me out?"

"Of course not. If I wanted to do that, I'd be sure to do it with you standing on the porch." He didn't laugh. His sense of humor is gone! So, I laughed and said, "Come sit down and we'll give you the present."

WE give it to him, he likes it, gives me a kiss on the cheek and we sit and chit chat for a few minutes. Then, he gets up to go work on his truck a little more, goes to the door, turns around, looks at me, comes back and says,

"You know, I really think you'll be okay if things don't work out with us. I wasn't sure, but in the last couple of days I've really started to believe that you won't do anything weird or vengeful if this doesn't work out. If it does, of course I don't worry. But even if it doesn't, I think we'll be able to be friendly about it."

I didn't even know what to say to that so I just smiled (becoming a habit with me as a response to DORK statement.) said, "I will be okay if this doesn't work out" kissed him, looked into eyes for a moment and said, "You should really go finish up with the truck".

Now, what in our history of 11 years makes him think that I will just roll over and play friendly if this doesn't work out is WAY BEYOND me. Unless, he sees my "being okay" as turning in his girly-girl to her commanders for sleeping with a married soldier, having to move in with his 22 year old in-heat she-cat with his two pre-pubescent daughters who will chew her up and spit her out without a second thought, and paying me out the nose for the remaining baby at home with me and our household while I tell him what a great time I'm having almost child-free and dating to my hearts content! Maybe that's his definition of "playing nice". Wouldn't be any more outlandish than anything else he's said recently!

So, that's where I was last night when I finished up posting. I was going to go out then and ADMIRE his workmanship on his truck and tell him what a manly-man he was. I started to when one of the girls came outside fighting with the other one and he starts to get upset about how he never gets a moments peace around here since he came back.....blah blah blah. So now I've got 2 kids and a WH whining and arguing. So I left. Bye, bye. I grabbed my purse and said I needed to leave for a little while you all work things out.

I went to pick up my girlfriend who poses as the mystery person I instant message occsaionally throughout the day (she lurks here to keep up on what's going on) and I finally came home about 2 hours later. I came back cheerful, refreshed and in a DAMN good mood and made sure everyone noticed how happy I was. And you know what, the house was picked up, WH had fed the kids and wanted to know if I wanted to watch a movie with the family. I helped to pick up dinner and was telling him how wonderful his truck looked and I was really surprised at what a great job he had done. He was just eating it up.

Down we went to watch a movie. Halfway through, WH is rubbing his eye REALLY hard complaining about how his eye is bothering him so he's going to go upstairs. Well, keep your hand out of your eye and it won't hurt! So, he goes up and just as he turns the corner, he pulls the cell phone out of his pocket. Obviously, he needed to call OW and is still not able to not be OBVIOUS about it. Oh well. He came back about 15 minutes later and we did enjoy the rest of the evening.

So, this morning, I made my "coffee call" and went out for about an hour. Now I'm back and he's asking what we're going to do today. He has found the school papers but hasn't said anything yet (I'm expecting it soon though) and I have the name of my lawyer and a real estate agent sitting under my computer within eyeshot. I've told him I want to appraise the house no matter what happens so he knows something is going on with the house, but will be surprised to see anything other than mortgage broker information. I also printed off the final divorce decree petition papers and have those near my computer with notes written in by the child support and visitation section with my ideas of how I can see the girls while they are in Texas. He'll also be interested to see that in my version I have notes on anything financial to "see lawyer" "what does lawyer think?" etc. I pulled up info on selling my wedding ring too.... just want to see what I could get for it. He WILL NOT expect that one.

...and Pep...I've done it ALL looking SEXY <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> He asked why I need to go out to coffee wearing a skirt and heels this morning. I just said, this is how I dress honey. I like to feel pretty. Why, don't I look okay? (head tilt with smile before a quick peck on the cheek to be sure he smells my perfume again.)

Faith,

I've been reading your story for the last couple of days and your performance and grace are beyond words. I find it rather refreshing to read your posts and I have no idea in h*** why your husband would even want to think about leaving you and his beautiful family. I hope and pray that he wakes up soon because if he doesn't and he pulls this stunt with the 22-year-old, he is going to be real sorry, real soon. He's has no idea what a gem he's got in you. There is no way in h*** that the OW can compete with you.

The thing that makes me think is when you wrote that he is a repeat offender at this and that you have not dealt with the previous two A's. I can sort of understand because I've been in a similar position. My husband has been having a long-term EA with the same OW on and off again and right now I'm at the point where I almost don't know what to believe anymore. Either I'm loosing my mind or he's gotten so good at lying and deceiving and making me feel like I've lost my marbles... Here is a man who is fixing up the house, planning a family with me, while still phoning and email OW and her fiancee.

I would stay in Plan A if I were you and just confuse the heck out of him. OW must be feeling desparate because she knows that he's with you and the kids. Even if he were to divorce you, you and the children will ALWAYS remain part of his life.

I really think that your marriage has a good chance. I don't think that a 22-year-old really has any idea what she wants and if she's dating a married man, chances are that either he or she will eventually cheat on each other again. This is not going to work for them and she's eventually going to grow tired of being Stepmom. So far, they have only known each other during deployment which is a totally different story altogether.

Right now, you will need to be the strong one in the home and you are doing a good job. Your husband is probably going to crash hard and I just hope that it won't be too late for him and that you will still want him back.

Take care of yourself and keep up the good work! You really inspire many of us BS's here.

Kati

You are doing great. This guy doesn't have a chance. Be sure to keep admiring him. They love it.

Like when you left and the girls were fighting, and you came home, and all was calm - I would let him know how much you appreciate his help. Tell him he has a way with the girls, and he really does much better than you with them.

Also maybe you can give him a back massage, or rub his feet - something physical that is not SF. That might get him thinking.

Hope you can keep it up - but I think you have the hang of smiling while he spews the fogtalk.

I heard something that reminded me of WS today....

You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink.

In addition to liking the chance to relate WH to a horse (or it's backside anyway) I really thought this sums up where most of us BS are. They have the best thing in the world right in front of them and still just don't get it.

Hmmmmm.

WOW! You are doing great. Keep up the good work. Keep with the Plan A. Keep doing just what you are doing. Hang in there. Hugs-Jersey Girl-I firmly believe in tough love, if he thinks he's got you waiting he'll just keep sitting on the fence.

Hello! Now for the daily news update....

Yesterday SUCKED!

Whoa. I feel better now that's out of the way. The beginning of the day wasn't bad, at least until we started being around each other. He was TESTY. I was loving. He was MOPEY. I was understanding. We went shopping and as we're pulling into the parking lot he starts talking about our relationship and how he really wishes I were in a better mood. ME! A better mood. So, I said that I thought I had been but maybe I haven't been good at displaying that. (gag! excuse me) So I mention that I thought he had seemed a little down recently and maybe that was affecting me more than I realized because I don't like to see him upset. "Well, have you ever thought that's because of YOU", he says.

Fog meter did not go off and I said to him, "I absolutely DO think it's because of me. I think you get to the point where you're actually beginning to enjoy the company of your family so you go off to sulk and get moody. I'm glad you realize it is because of ME."

As you can guess, this was not received well. He storms out of the car saying I never listen and turn everything back onto him. yada yada yada. The funny thing is though that as we're leaving the store, after not having spoken to each other the entire time we were shopping, he says "Let's work on our communication". Huh? Well, it was on olive branch so I took it and agreed to do that. The rest of the afternoon went fairly smooth. I took the oldest daughter out for a "mom/daughter date" and when we came home the house was clean, dinner was made (sausages, broccoli and rice), and there was music playing. WH and kids were pretty happy. We had a nice dinner and as I was cleaning up he says he wants to "get out" for a little while just to drive around. He offers up the information that he isn't planning on calling OW while he is out. I said that he doesn't have to tell me when he calls her anyway and I wasn't asking if that was the case. "Well, I knew you'd think it so I just didn't want you to worry", he says. I just couldn't stop myself from telling him, in a nice voice though, "Honey, I assume that anytime we are not together that you are talking with her. That way I'm never upset or worried at the thought you might be. I assume you are." He just kind of looked at me and said okay.

So, off he goes. I'm cleaning the kitchen when I realize he has left his computer on. VERY unlike WH. He always closes it and locks it down but he had been playing music on it in the kitchen and left the music playing. I just HAD to snoop and came across pictures of him a week after he left for deployment with another woman. She is in his unit also and deployed with him and I automatically jump to the conclusion they had a thing. I don't think it was a totally outlandish idea to have jump into my mind, but I should have maybe stopped for a moment. Well, I did stop for A moment, maybe I should have slept on it.

When he called to say he was on his way home I might have, kind of, sorta let loose. I basically told him in my own little "faithinme" way that in light of this new information I think he should just call OW and see how soon she can be ready for him to move in. He has my blessing and I hope that he truly can find happiness with her. He kept telling me he was totally innocent of this one and didn't want to just let things go. I said, "Never question the way in which God brings you a miracle. You've got one. I'm not going to say you didn't try. I'm giving you an open road to walk away on. Go!" He kept on saying, wait until I get home.

I did. He asked what exactly I was talking about and told me that OW was the only A he has had in the eight years since last time. He said, "It's bad enough I slept with someone and fell in love with them. She is the only one." So I told him what I had seen. He laughed. I have to say, it was a genuine laugh and he really was taken completely off guard by this accusation. DAMN IT! I KNEW at that moment that he probably did not have anything going with this girl. Still, I couldn't let it go. I had worked myself up so far that I just held on. He kept asking if we could continue to work on things, I said no again and he said okay, if that's what you want. Okay.

I absolutely HATE to have the tables turned. DAMN IT. If I had ANY doubt as to whether or not this girl and he had anything going I would sit back in self righteous indignation and bask in it. But, I am wrong here. So, what do I do? I let both of us go to sleep. He believing I am still believing what I accused him of and I kicking myself in the butt.

So, what do I do the next day? I go off to work and come back at lunch and ask him when he wants to tell the kids about the D. Anyone have a shovel....a big one? The one I have isn't quite big enough for the hole I'm digging for myself.

He says we can tell them tonight. Well, actually when he says he hasn't thought about it I suggest we tell them tonight. He says, whatever. I'm still not finding a good way out of this so I go to walk out of the room to get a drink of water and he says, "If you really want to just call it quits okay. But I said I wanted to give this a chance and I do. I had a pretty good day yesterday and was feeling good about where we could be going. If I had to choose right now, I'd still go. I still think that's what I want. But I need to see what's here first."

Now, part of me felt like "Beg, baby, beg!" the other part felt like I could look UP at the underside of the couch because I felt so small. Ugh. Anyway, we ended up talking and he admitted that I had a point the previous day when I said he's purposely not allowing himself to enjoy his time with me and I admitted that I recognized I had made a mistake about the other girl and jumped to the wrong conclusion. I said, I just need to have more patience with this whole process because I keep waiting for things to just go back to the way they were and get frustrated when day after day goes by with no measurable change. He said that even if things don't work out he will at least acknowledge the fact even 10 years down the road that I had more patience than anyone in the world would.

Overall, I'd say we were able to laugh about it and were able to get to a new level of communication because of it. It was nice to be able to sit back and laugh at the situation and for him to say he didn't blame me for jumping to that conclusion and the reaction resulting from it. But DAMN. I hate to make mistakes, especially HUGE ones. It wasn't the assumption that was so bad but not being able to just say, I made a mistake, let's move on. I needed him to come to me.

Mark that one on the board for something to personally work on. Anyway, it was sobering to remind myself that in all the planning and all the attempts to bring him back, that there are areas of myself that I have to look at and repair. I could have blown all the work I've been putting in. And it wouldn't be because I made a wrong assumption, but because of a habit that we both established long ago in our relationship. I get mad. He pursues. I don't want to go back to that. It helped get us to where we are today.

So, I get the DORK award for today. I'm pretty sure he'll win it back soon...very soon if I'm not mistaken, but for now it is mine. DAMN IT!

Faith, Faith, Faith....
You're not a dork. You need to look at this another way. I actually think this is a good thing that happened.

When you became angry about the picture, I think it told him how much you really care and have been hurt. I've been afraid that too much of a "go on, I'll be fine" would give him a guilt free walk away. (even though I believe that plan will work-it's just difficult to know where to draw the line) You showed him in this instance that it will be difficult for you if it doesn't work out. I believe deep in his heart he wants to know he's desperately needed by his family. Haven't you wondered why he's there at all? If she were so "wonderful" why did he bother to come home? If he were so in love with her why in the world is he spending time with you, sleeping with you and going on vacation with you. In my heart, I believe that he wants to be desperately wanted and needed. You showed him hurt when you lashed out about the picture. At that point, he said he still wanted to see if with you is where he wants to be. That spoke volumes.

It's still going to be difficult to know how far to take it but you're doing wonderfully. The loss of temper was a good thing. After all, how much can one take. Don't you think the picture was left there on purpose? His mind is there with you and the longer time goes on, he connection with her will grow dim. He expressed his admiration for your patience. Wow! He notices. The fog is not as thick as you think!

Think about it. She needed him then and that time has gone. You need him now and his daughters need him. His main emotional need is to be NEEDED! I think it gives him value and substance. Wasn't it because he was away from you that he sought another? She filled that void that you were not there to fill. Now he's home and the best way to eliminate that fog will be when he knows that he's important there. Keep up the good work!

Thank you, jph. I think it really was a good thing too and you are right on about being needed. After I pulled myself away from this site yesterday, my neighbor called (the one who he visited when we weren't home the other day) to tell me about the conversation she had with WH. He spouted a lot of fog talk to her but she said he also listened to a few things she said. She said the things that seemed to hit him most were

1 - when she told him that regardless of how I seem to be handling things, he needs to realize that it has been three months of devestation for me and the kids. She told him about the anxiety attacks, the days and nights of crying, the obsessive need to hear from him, my inability to eat or keep anything down, the meds I am on, etc. He's heard it from me and seen the weight loss and what happens to me when I do eat, but I think hearing it from someone else helped him to really see it.

2 - She told him that before he left she had never pictured this happening and thought we had the most rock solid marriage of anyone she knew. She said she used to love seeing how we interacted when we talked or touched. Then she looked at him and said "I've never seen anyone love a man like she loves you - ever." I don't know that I would have told him that, but she said he just sat there and couldn't really say anything for a minute. From her point of view, it really made an impact.

3 - she told him just how much he was needed. She told him that she can see, from the outside, how much the kids need him home. He said he plans to be an active dad anyway and she laughed in his face. She told him, "I'm a child of divorced parents and I'm divorced with a child myself. You can't be a dad from Texas and you won't be the dad you want to be or that the kids need you to be even from across town." She pointed out that the girls have been acting out for a long time now and that all of us need him - our husband and father - to be a family again.

Like I said before, he had a lot of fog talk too but she seems to believe he listened a bit.

So, after my conversation with her, he came in from outside playing with the girls and we talked. For a while. I told him pretty much what I wrote yesterday. I said I recognized my own stubborn reactions and that I was sorry for it. Those are two of his issues, having to always be the first to end an argument and my never apologizing. He thanked me for both being able to see that was what I was doing and for admiting it and apologizing. I told him a part of it was also being scared that since I gave him an out he would take it.

Then I told him, "What we're going through right now means so much to me. I don't think I told you enough before because I'm not good at admitting it, but there is this place in me that only fits you, honey. Over the years you have pushed and pulled and wiggled into that place and you are the one that fills it completely, every nook and every crany. I need you, honey, because right now it's just an empty hole. I don't want you to say anything because I'm not looking for a reaction. I simply wanted you to know that you're the one for me. I need you to find your way back here and I am willing to do whatever I can to make that happen."

He just said "Thank you. I didn't hear that very much. Thank you."

I kissed his cheek and we went back out to play with the kids. The rest of the night was nice. We took the kids to ice cream and just kind of hung out. Then, when we came home (it was late - about 9:30) he says that he wants to look up some stuff on his computer and then he's going to go for a drive for some "me" time. He's been cooped up with the kids all day and needs to get out. Once again, he assures me that it's not to call OW. I tell him again that I'm not asking him.(Mostly because I know he IS calling her and I just want him to get to the point he stops lying). So, he left for about an hour came home and went to sleep.

Today, he's been a little stand-offish when I have seen him (not much since I'm at work). But, I know to expect that off and on for a while. He told me yesterday he is going to be going to San Antonio for a few days to try and finalize this job he's trying to get there. I have a hard time believing that. I think he is going to see her because she needs the reassurance of his presence. I don't know what exactly I can do about it though since he's not spending any money to go (air miles). I've got a little while to work on that though since he can't go until we are back from Disneyland.

Double post....sorry!

<small>[ August 18, 2004, 04:33 PM: Message edited by: faithinme ]</small>

I wonder if you are old enough to remember this toy

~~~ stretch armstrong ~~~ (?? was that the name?? )

A sort of rubber man who could be pulled reallllly far in different directions by pulling his arms and legs...

That's the picture that jumped into my mind when I read your last post.

Your H is stretch armstrong ... he is pulled to his breaking point.

I am sure the OW-child is frEAking out in Texass ... knowing her married man is enjoying family time with his wife and 3 kids while she is enduring her family of origin's warnings to stay away from the trouble he brings with him.

He is reassuring HER while trying to not let go of YOU and the kids.

Oh poor him...

Pep

PS ... walk around the house in your underwear.

<small>[ August 18, 2004, 04:24 PM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Pepperband:
<strong> PS ... walk around the house in your underwear. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You crack me up!!! I've tried the skimpy silky pj's, but I like your idea <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />