He still plans on going..... but thinks I've had some good points about what he'll be missing with his kids and me..... then says he's still going...... I'm GOING OUT!! Hot red dress.... hot high heel shoes.... hot hair..... hot ME. He thinks I'm going out with my lawyer.... haha. Oh well. Have a good night.

faith - Well, he may or may not go to SA. I think if he does, he will miss you. So do what you are doing now, and continue on.

Faith,

Just one doublebarraled question.

What is your husband doing and who is minding the children while you are going out dancing?

Ronald

I haven't gotten thru this whole thread YET! I think iam on page 5 thus far!

I just wanted you to know that I am from San Antonio, I grew up there and go back often. I am goign there this weekend as a matter of fact <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> do you need anything Faith <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> My family still lives there! I know the best private schools AND the best parts of town to live in! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

OK, finally caught up after several days too busy to read much.

I just slapped 5 bucks on my computer monitor that says he ain't going ANYWHERE this weekend - 'cept maybe in the sack with faithinme.

Any takers?

WAT

<small>[ August 25, 2004, 08:12 PM: Message edited by: worthatry ]</small>

WAT - You make me laugh!! I love ya!!

Well, he's off right now trying to figure out if he really wants to leave this weekend. He's definately waffling. I have a bit of faith he won't be going anywhere on Saturday. I'm not ready to meet that bet yet, but it's more hopeful right now than it has been.

I did happen to get into his email since he doesn't realize I have the admin password to his laptop. I don't have his email passwords though so I have to hope that he's left his email open when he hibernates the computer. Anyway, OW has offered to take some leave and fly up here to be with him and keep things okay with them if he needs to stay here.

Oh, I should update today to put that in context. He told the girls we are getting a divorce. Needless to say, they were VERY upset. Afterwards, he tells me that he hadn't really contemplated that moment and what it would do. He said that it didn't feel right to do it and he's not sure what to do. I gave him an idea of what he could do.... maybe he will. He spouted off again about how there must be a reason he feels so strongly about OW. It has to mean that he needs to be there. He knows we could have a good relationship but he "knows" it could never be what he would have with her. Blah blah blah. Of course, I was sympathetic, to a point.

I told him that no matter what choice he makes, he's always going to second guess it. There is no way to make everyone happy. There's no way to make HIM happy right now. He knows that.... to a point. He can't stand the thought of what this is doing to his kids. So, he may stay. I think he and OW are going to continue to conspire though. However, making the choice to stay here right now is a HUGE step in the right direction and I'm going to grab it and run with it if he does. If not, when he comes back from SA I am going dark, dark, dark. He refuses to understand that when he comes back there is NO contact. I've told him that a million times and he truly understands that it is not an ultimatum but a boundary for me. But, the foggy alien DORK keeps saying things like, when I come back it may be a new start for us. Or, maybe while I'm gone I'll realize I really need to be here after all. Ugh. Still looking for the best of both worlds.

So, now he is off to think (translation: call OW). He says he needs to figure out what to do and that he has a few ideas but he needs to work out the details of them. (translation: call OW to work out when she can sneek up here if he stays).

All this may be moot, but I am allowing myself a bit of hope he'll stay. I hope you're right on the mark WAT. I'm not sure how long I'll be willing to stay on his merry-go-round anymore.

A little funny bit of information, as I was getting ready to go out last night, he kept coming in to talk with me and keep me company. He thought I was going out with a guy. My girlfriend, faithsfriend (she lurks here), and I went for a few drinks and appetizers. (Someone asked where WH and the kids were.... kids were watching a movie with WH). He just wouldn't stop finding excuses to be around me and hug on me. Hmmmm. Then, when I came home last night, they were watching a different movie so I sat with them and when it was over I got up and went to bed. WH comes in and asks if I had a good time, I said yes. He says, "Well, I guess I'll go sleep on the couch." I wanted to laugh. Did not though. I told him he could still sleep in our bed. Why would that not be the case? So, he came to bed and was snuggly all night. Every time I woke up he was touching me. He usually rolls away with his back to me if I touch him in the night - even just foot to foot. Last night, he chased me to the edge of the bed!! Then this morning he kept on hugging me and rubbing my arms. Weird.

Then he tells the kids about the divorce.

Then he doesn't feel right about doing that.

Then he thinks he may stay.

Then he goes off to think about things.

I am dizzy with the merry-go-round.

Nothing to do but be me, be a family and see what happens on Saturday morning. You all will be one of the first 30,000 to know <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> I hope you keep your five, WAT.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by faithinme:
<strong>I told him that no matter what choice he makes, he's always going to second guess it.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Excellent!!!

In addition, on 'his scale' on one side he has a 'woman' <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> , on the other - such a wonderful woman and HIS OWN kids!
God, don't allow him to be so blind not to see where he'd lose SO MUCH more, I mean gain SO MUCH more!!

Fait, I'm deeply convinced: however this might finish, I'm not worry for you; you'll find your fully happiness again, I just hope very soon! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Faith, I have a question. Maybe I missed it before.

What did you do that made your M more vulnerable?

GC

Graycloud -

I did plenty and nothing.... both problems. I have a tendency to 1/ never admit fault and 2/ turn WH's feelings back around to him so that everything is because of him. I won't say I always did it, but it was enough of a habit to be a big problem and over the years it made him feel like a pushover. He was always the one to end an argument and many times ended up apologizing for things he didn't feel sorry for just to keep the peace.

I'm a very strong person and rarely verbalized just how much I needed him. I assumed he knew.

I allowed us to drift apart. We've always been friends and enjoyed each others company. But in the quest to build our fortunes and keep the nice things, I allowed us to put our jobs before our time together.

I didn't tell him what I was missing from our relationship. In return, he didn't tell me. What we didn't fill for each other, we allowed our friends to fill. A big one I found out was his recreation need. He always went hiking with the guys. In the beginning of our marriage he would ask me to go with him and I never did. Kids, sleep and keeping house took precedence for me. He stopped asking. He told me a while ago that he would stand on a cliff overlooking a beautiful view and wish he had someone to share it with. I'm pretty sure he shared those views with OW in Cuba.

Now, I'll be the first to tell you that there are NUMEROUS great things I brought to the marriage. He's a fool to let me go <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> But there are areas I let him and our marriage down, no doubt. The deployment and being away for a year opened up the hole even more. I'm not sure if anyone wouldn't have fallen in. But, even with all of those problems we STILL had a good marriage. We both thought it a GREAT marriage until this happened. But I certainly had a hand in what led up to it. I just want the chance to deal with those issues and walk away with the SPECTACULAR marriage we can have.

In addition the the post I just made above, I wanted to update something.

WAT - YOU ARE GOOD!!!!

WH just came back from thinking. It seems he wants to stay until Monday. He has an interview on Tuesday in SA (I made him prove this) and on Thursday (am waiting to hear the voicemail on that) so is still going. He still isn't sure if things will work out but wants at least those extra days to see about it.

Also, has decided that he shouldn't have felt guilty about SF the other night because after all we ARE married and didn't feel as little as he said. Has been thinking about doing it again ever since. REALLY liked the outfit I was wearing <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I told him I'm glad he'll be spending the weekend with us. I also said that if we DO stay together that job in SA isn't a possibility. He laughed and said "obviously". But he doesn't feel he can throw that out the window either just in case. So, I told him that as I've said the whole time, I'm here until he leaves. He's still trying to get me to leave an open door if he goes. I'm thinking...... NOPE.

He said he called OW and told her he is having doubts and won't be there until Monday instead of Saturday. Not sure he told her what he told me he told her, but I do know that if I were her I'd be feeling pretty nervous right about now. Darn. That's a damn shame. Let's see what we can do to increase that:)

<small>[ August 25, 2004, 11:57 PM: Message edited by: faithinme ]</small>

I'm a lot like you I think. My M could have chugged along very well, but my W's sudden frequent time away from home (traveling for work) was just enough to make my neglect of the R suddenly matter a lot more.

I was a good H and an okay person, but next time I'll be one hell of a lot more giving.

GC

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by graycloud:
<strong> I was a good H and an okay person, but next time I'll be one hell of a lot more giving.GC </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yep. I'm hoping my next time will be with WH, but either with him or with someone else I will at least have had the opportunity to learn a lot about myself and cultivated the traits of the person I really want to be.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by faithinme:
<strong>I told him that no matter what choice he makes, he's always going to second guess it.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm not sure this is a good thing to say. Key word - "always."

If he's normal, with his "oops" response not totally disabled by dopamine coursing thru his brain cells, he should initially second guess EVERY choice he makes, or is about to make.

It's clear he's second guessing right now - some - as a result of your Plan A.

But there is no doubt, no question, no debate - that if he chooses to dump the slut, he WILL eventually say to you that he knows this was the best decision.

Somehow, in your ample capacity to say the right words, I suggest you communicate this thought to him - to supplement your actions already in play.

WAT

That's a good point, WAT.

I'll work that into a conversation:)

Faith,

I bet OW's boss would be interested in why she is taking leave. You should send her an email and let her know that adultery isn't really a leave category.

God Bless,

Doug

Hey, Faith - the fog cleared for a moment! Your WH suddenly remembered that he is married. He also realized that he should not feel guilty for SF with his wife. Go, Mr. Faith, go. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Time to buy another outfit, and see if he likes it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

<small>[ August 26, 2004, 01:24 PM: Message edited by: believer ]</small>

I am going to get another outfit <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

The man is all foggy again today. He feels "blah" and is mopey again. He said he does feel guilty again, but not as much. He didn't seem to feel to guilty last night.... either time!

So, today I feel like I'm fighting an uphill battle again BUT I'm going to go pick him up a little something to try and lift his spirits before I go home.

Imagine that. Having to lift your H spirits because he had SF with you. There's just something wrong about that.

At least he had to tell OW he isn't showing up on Sat. I think it's bothering her a lot. She called his cell at 4:00 this morning.

As has been stated on many occasions..it doesn't matter what is said..it matters what is done when dealing with the fogbound..so take no heed of whatever may have passed between Ws and OW..he has postponed..that is the action. This time she has been handed a slice of the pie you have been fed for months. Bravo and keep up the good work. So if he goes to the interview on Mon though..is that still the exit? I had thought that it was..your post suggests it is..but I'm not certain.

--Noodle

Noodle - I'm not exactly sure myself I guess. He'll be staying with her while he's there. I'm really not okay with that and would be backing WAY off my own set of boundaries.

He has changed his plans though to stay here as long as possible. He has even hinted that he would be willing to come back Friday instead of Saturday. He's also said he'll call every day. He has also said this may show him that he needs to be here with us or that he can't let her go. He's not sure.

Well, I'm pretty sure seeing her again will put us right back where we started for at least a few weeks.

So, right now I'm just not sure. I think that sticking to my guns and saying I'm here until you step on a plane to SA may be the best bet. I'm more unsure right now than ever though. That's right where he wants me too. He's doing what he can to keep a foot in the door. I'm not sure if I need to slam it shut when he leaves or see what happens when he comes back.

I'm pondering.

Yeah..I feel that way too..although I don't want to..because he seems to be cracking and I so want this to work out for you that I am all too ready to cut him slack <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> even though I know it wouldn't be a good idea..

I think being physically in her presence would send him straight back into a full blown affair in which his heart and mind belong to OW. I wish I thought otherwise. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

I would enforce the original boundary if I were you..If he leaves, he's gone..no budging, no negotiating. I am assuming that if he were to want to reconcile with a full NC etc that you would still consider, yes? This is a plan B boundary, I had thought. So, I'd stick to my guns [and cry in my soup] because that strength seems to be the only effective tool that you have at your disposal.

--Noodle