Faith,

Having your WH's family standing behind you in all of this is of a big advantage to you. I think in any marriage, it is very important to get along with the in-law's or at least have a mutually polite and understanding relationships . If the families do not get along, it will generally bring problems to the relationship sooner or later. So, I think that this will definitely work in your favor. You are the mother of HIS three children and his mother will always be their grandmother, the SIL will always be their auntie etc. Family relationships are generally very important in the latin culture.

OW-Child will never be accepted in this family, I can tell you this much and even if your WH were to leave you and his three children, then sooner or later he would not be able to handle the pressure any more. There are always family functions - holidays, birth's, weddings, funerals and he would never be able to bring OW along to any of those. Sooner or later, she would feel left out and she'd start LBing - who wouldn't... but it's to be expected. She just doesn't know and problably doesn't understand this yet. She's a child...

Continue in Plan A; I think that you are on the right track. Use reverse babble when necessary. I think you two will be fine.

Kati

I really am blessed with my in-laws. I adore his mom and we have a great relationship. His sister and I get on extremely well too. His brother, well, we've had our differences over the years as he thought no one would ever be good enough for his little brother. He just didn't understand our being together. Everyone gets us. But he didn't.

Anyway, when he found out WH wanted a divorce he rallied right away. He called me and we talked (we NEVER talk unless by accident) and he said, No matter what, you're family. You're a Hernandez and I will never forgive him if he does this to our family. I want you to know that I am completely behind you and support your marriage.

Wow! That was a kicker. So, now, the only one the WH would have hoped to have support him won't. And he is VERY close to his family. Usually. His actions completely support the whole fog theory.

I just heard from him for the first time today. He called to see if he could bring me lunch to work. Isn't that sweet. I checked online, and he's been on the phone with OW about 30 minutes today, but he's having lunch with me. Wish I could call and tell her that.

I added up the time he's talked with her in the last 7 days. A total of 10 hours!!! No wonder he can't make up his dang mind. He's talking with her, SF with me, playing with the kids, talking with her, going on outings as a family, etc, etc.

Must be a crazy rollercoaster he's forcing himself to live on right now.

Dork!

<small>[ September 30, 2004, 03:07 PM: Message edited by: faithinme ]</small>

Faith,

I'm glad to hear that your have his family's support. They sound like a very tight family and you are part of it. This is going to be very important in your recovery as well.

I think that you WH's A will fade in time. Keep doing a good Plan A and meeting his needs and I think that it is going to make it very difficult for him to leave his family. He will only be able to run so far...

Maybe things are not so rosy with OW. More than likely, she's probably starting to put pressure on him right now and God only knows what he is "promising" her to keep her at bay for nw. I think that she may grow tired of this sooner or later. Or she may become annoying to him. Remember, YOU are a woman, his wife and the mother of his children. She is very young, most likely very inexperienced and he is going to notice sooner or later.

It is often very difficult for a man to say goodbye to a lover. Your husband sometimes sounds a lot like mine. He wants to be liked by everyone. That is why he often insists in asking you to not make things difficult IF you do decide to divorce and to stay "civil". He doesn't want you to hate him; he doesn't want his family to hate him and he doesn't want OW to hate him. He's trying to keep everyone happy right now, but deep inside he probably knows that he won't be able to keep this up for very long.

Reality is that right now he is with YOU and the kids and not with OW, so you are at an advantage over her. Most married men end up NOT leaving their wife and children - those are some of the stats that I read.

Keep doing your best Plan A. This will probably be a loooong road for you, Faith, and you are going to need all the patience in the world, but I have a lot of hope for you and your family and marriage. Do not give up and never ever make things easy for him. Ever! Actions have consequences - never forget that!

I think that your WH is probably experiencing a bit of a first MLC combine that with time away from his family, a highly tensed deployment and then worries about his job and there it is....

I've also noticed that lots of men still like to see if they still "got it", so I think it definitely helps to keep the "bedroom" interesting, if you know what I mean... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> I think you are doing a good job in this department. Be a lamb in the kitchen and a tiger in the bedroom. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> Flatter him, tell him how handsome he is and make him feel good about himself.

As hard as it is, try to ignore the calls to OW. I used to get SO upset when I saw that my husband once again called OW on his cell. I would nag him about it, come here to b*tch about it, be depressed, angry etc. And you know what, it seemed that this made him want to call her even more. Lately, I have bit my tongue every time I saw that he called or she called him and I just ignored the calls. Didn't mention it at all. It almost ate me up, but in time it got better. Now, it has become a lot easier and he hasn't called in a month. We'll see... There have been lots of up's and down's.

I know it is so hard, Faith, but you've got to stay strong, for you kids and your family, too. I promise that you will get through this and I have a really good feeling for a good outcome. This will probably be the hardest thing that you'll ever do, but you WILL get through it.

Kati

Retrouvaille is a weekend workshop for marriages in crisis. It is run by the Catholic Church. Even though a priest helps lead the workshop, you don't have to be Catholic to go. They will ask that NC be established, but they really can't enforce it. We went when A was still going on. It would be 3 more long months before A ended, but it showed us what we had and what we could have again.

Have you figured out what this A is about? Which of his needs were not being met? Which needs does the OW fulfill? Are you working on his ENs? Who is OW?

You may be lucky in that OW is young. I suspect she has no idea what she is getting into. Before landing in the middle of an A, people assume the M must be over for someone to have an A. Don't worry. She will LB. It might take a month or two, but she will do it. No one is perfect, not even the OW.

My FWS' OW LB'd very badly right before he ended the A. Plan A gives the WS a reason to come home.

Oh yes, they don't want to 'hurt' anyone. FWS was worried that OW would 'act out' if he broke up with her (i.e. jumping into bed with someone else). Who the heck cares?

And to keep myself sane, I stopped looking at his cell phone. You need to keep your wits about you. You need to do whatever you can to not LB. You need to find a quiet, calm place from which to Plan A.

Hi FIM! I have been folowing your story and have only posted to you a few times. Could you please email me when you get a chance! I would love to talk to you. Our H are very similar and I think you and I are too! Thanks!

kcav86@msn.com

Hey Mom,

Been thinking about you, wondering how things are. Give us an update...?

Hello! I'm off to take the kids for ice cream but thought I'd pop in here first.

WH has been a little BRAT today. UGH. He went and got himself his own bank account. I only found out because he was taking me out for coffee and I happened to see the new bank card in his wallet. I mentioned it to him and he said he got it yesterday but forgot to tell me. He had mentioned getting one a while ago, so he felt that it wasn't especially important to tell me.

That was irritating. He is positioning himself to make it easier and easier to leave.

So, we ended up a relationship talk in which he admitted that he is very close to deciding to leave....about 75% there.

Yeah. That hurt and started to worry me. But then I thought....you're 75% thinking about leaving, but you're 100% here. Walking out that door is going to be a lot different than thinking about it.

So, we talked about it and in the end I pointed out that in the last few days he has been clamming up and pulling away. He said that he hadn't really seen that but maybe I was right.

He has been out thinking (talking with OW in non-fog speak) for a while now. He did come home for a few minutes and say that he heard what I had said and that we probably need these heart to heart talks more often because it makes him really think.

He says he's leaning back towards staying now.

Whatever.

The kids and I are going out for a while since he hasn't made an appearance yet. Tonight, we are going to a movie and tomorrow taking the kids to the pumpkin patch again.

I am doing a pretty good job keeping myself detached from what he is saying, at least when I'm with him. He's driving me crazy though.

I just need to remember, he is 100% HERE no matter which way he is leaning.

Yikes -

He IS still with you, so I wouldn't worry about it. This guy is still so fogged out!

Remember the holidays are coming, and that will make it even harder for him to leave.

Keep on keeping on. OW is young and will not wait too long. Just remember that the longer WH stays with you, the more chance of OW finding someone else.

I know it is not a lot of comfort right now, but I really think that you will be able to do this.

Hello again. Well, we are still in about the same place. I had started another thread a few days ago because WH had said he was willing to do NC - sort of. He would stop contact with her but not end the A. Since she's in SAT, this would mean he would not talk with her on the phone or communicate via email or text messages or voice mail.

This was...Thursday I think. Well, lo and behold, I check the phone minutes online and find that the SAME day he said he'd have no contact, he talked with her for 20 minutes. That night, I asked him how he was doing and he said it had been hard on him but he had not talked with her.

That's the kicker for me. I anticipated that he would talk with her. I even talked with him about that and had asked him to just be honest with me as that is my #1 EN. Tell me, and we can work through it. I knew the answer when I asked if he had talked with her. I wanted to give him a clear opening to talk with me. I didn't ask in an accusatory manner. When I brought it up I said I wanted to know how he was doing with it and if there was anything I could do for him.

Well, the next morning I came home quicker than he expected from my daily trip to the coffeehouse and he was trying to get into the cell phone site online to see if he could somehow manipulate the information so I couldn't tell he had talked with her.

Dork.

At least he admitted it though. He got mad that I knew he had lied AND caught him trying to sneak out of it. Afterwards though, he admitted he was mad at himself because he knew he had made a mistake and felt bad. He hadn't even gone six hours with NC and was afraid that would really make me mad.

So, we were able to discuss the fact that it's not even the contact that upset me - mostly - it was the dishonesty. Yeah, I would like NC, but I don't think he's there yet. He hasn't decided, or I think hasn't ACCEPTED the fact he has decided, to stay and work on our marriage. I think he'll get there, and maybe this will help him, but he's not to that point right now.

We need the honesty and trust though to ever move forward. Ugh.

So, yesterday he asked me to let him find a way to show me I can trust him. He said he will send a NC letter to OW and will come to me with a plan to stay in NC.

I still don't expect it to last. But he says he will be honest with me if he does talk with her. Frankly, if he gets to the point that he can trust me enough to be honest and to listen to him it can only help. That is one of his biggest roadblocks to staying and working on us. He doesn't think I listen to him when we have a problem and I don't take him seriously when he tries to share his feelings. Even if it is talking about a failed attempt at NC, I will (hopefully) be able to show him he can trust and I can listen and WE can work together.

It will be one more nail in the coffin of their "relationship". Steve has said that WH needs to be able to see around the corner to a new and improved relationship. That as he sees that, his ability to justify leaving will diminish. So, in a way, although I don't think NC is something that will happen right now, it does give me an opportunity to be present in a way that WH doesn't believe can happen.

So, we'll see what will happen. We've had some good conversations and he was really cuddly last night. I'll just have to go back to "looking at the big picture" as WAT suggested on another thread.

The NC letter is a good step. Make sure you approve it and send it.

How 'bout a copy to her CO? Hmmmmmmm?

Performing the NC letter ritual seems to be a ephithany for some WSs. Maybe this especially occurs when its written right and they see it on paper - don't know. But some have reported that this symbolic step - no more a real promise than a verbal NC statement - somehow has more meaning and is easier to honor.

WAT

He got mad that I knew he had lied AND caught him trying to sneak out of it.

I just realized something about our recovery... once the A was exposed, Mr. Pep did NOT get mad at me with *one* exception. One day I was completely inappropriate with him over the phone while he was at work. He got angry, but it was about something I was doing, not mad at getting caught doing something wrong.


Pep

<small>[ October 05, 2004, 05:07 PM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>