Nemo16...I jumped the letter to the top. It was a very interesting read.

I did it. I EXPOSED the A. I exposed the A to the OM family. I was quite surprised that his mother already knew but in MB fashion, she was told that I was okay with it. OM even told her I was a "marriage counselor" and knew how to handle it. My true feelings were revealed and OM mother said "we are friends in this because I do not like it either".

I am so glad to have read all of the posts this morning. I was a wreck all day and in a moment of clarity, I called. And as Believer, RIF90, Top Rope, WAT and ML said was true. It didn't take long to get to WW. When I called she asked the proverbial "how dare you". "Why did you, he's a grown man, etc., etc.". Fortunately, my head was in the game and I was able to block out my heart for a few moments. I showed her compassion, love and a determined explanation as to why I want to save our marriage. NO LB'ing occurred (although I understand this was a huge calculated LB). I just hope this works. I will reserve the workplace exposure as a last resort. Many folks responded and I agree with "this is not meant to hurt WW, just help in the demise of the A".

Thanks to all. It's DD swimming time.

God Bless.

Nemo,

The link to Trueheart's letter is in my sig.

Hope it helps.
L

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by lostsailor:
<strong>OM even told her I was a "marriage counselor" and knew how to handle it.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Now THAT'S a new one!!

Don't be surprised if your wife told OM this!

Do you believe me now? Alien abductions. The only rational explanation.

Good job keeping your wits. Please consider getting into some individual counseling with one of the MB counselors. You're on top of the game at the moment and you'll need advice staying there as the 'coaster takes its laps. Hunker down for the long haul.

I assume you told OM's Mom about your daughter?

WAT

<small>[ August 10, 2004, 07:06 AM: Message edited by: worthatry ]</small>

Also, sailor, please consider adding your description of this exposure episode to the post, "On revealing the affair to the light of day" linked in this post: Affair Exposure 101

It may help others.

Way to go Sailor!!!

Now hang on for the seas might get a bit rough as you start making your way to shore... and rebuilding your M.

It took a lot of guts to do what you've done... especially the no LB part.

Keep up the great work and let us know how things are working out for you and your W.

Semper Fi,
RIF90

Thanks to everyone for your support and I'll post it in the right section....

Last night was kind of different. WW was very upset, but we still were able to have dinner and talk about DD and little things. All she said was "you know we are not alright, don't you". I told her "I do know and I understand your anger, etc.". Different because following dinner, we had great conversation (one of the EN's I identified as missing). The conversation wasn't about us or our future and then she said she was going to move out. This was a "heart-banger" but I was able to separate heart and head. This is hard for me because the first time I mentioned WW moving out (before finding solace with MBr's), WW completely lost all control of emotions.

I think I did a good job of not pushing the reality on her and just told her that it'll be difficult both financially and emotionally. WW acknowledged and then we continued the night with even better conversation (DD, b-day plans, etc.). I was feeling pretty good that the exposure of the A coupled with her idea that moving out was WW's only way to continue the A maybe lifting the fog a little. Later I came in and WW was scrolling through search engine for apartments in our area. All I said was "looking for an apartment" and she said "I told you I was going to look". A couple of observations: WW wasn't really looking, just scrolling. WW stopped immediately and had a sad look on her face. I did feel the need to add that OM was to have nothing to do with DD. WW was perplexed and had the "why not" look. I explained that DD doesn't need to be involved with this and shouldn't be involved because we're not D'ing just S'ing. I told WW we would have to draft a SEP agreement.

Getting too long winded. Briefly, I was able to provide EN's (affection) when we went to sleep. Just basic EN and then this morning during my normal call to DD (from work), WW said "you know I love you, right". I was floored and have since determined that the statement was a pre-emptive strike to let me know that she is still "going to move out". More or less an attempt to let me know that regardless of WW actions, WW still loves me. Now I'm searching again.

SAA almost describes this exactly. An earlier Plan B, but there are so many questions. I read ther earlier post "WW is broke" and that prompted some thoughts. Anyone who has experienced this, please help my random thoughts.

If WW goes, how do I satisfy "no contact" with WW? Change the locks?

Do I still maintain our joint account or stop my input immediately and pay all of the bills?

Do I "make" WW take the new car (purchased two days before D-Day) and now WW has that responsibility.

I don't think WW will go. I think it is the fog speaking. I am trying to emotionally prepare myself for the worst.

I thank you all in advance if you respond. I declare today that once my mind is straight and my experiences are as vast as others, I will try and help too.

Hi sailor, feeling lucky?

You should be. You're in control of this. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I suggest you find an attorney and get started on a separation agreement. This will cost $$ and if/when your wife realizes that you're spending money on this, you will have to answer honestly, "Yes, I had to do this for the protection of each of us assuming you were going to follow through with your plans to move out. I'd really rather not do it at all."

Have your attorney make it clear in the agreement that you intend for this to be a temporary arrangement at your wife's request; that your desire is to rebuild your marriage.

In the agreement, you spell out all the financial divisions and a joint custody arrangement of your daughter. You can even spell out that when your daughter is with either parent, that parent shall have no non-family overnight guests of the opposite sex.

Any separation agreement has to have mutual consent, so you will not win a provision that prevents your wife from having your daughter around OM. Just drop this idea, because it will not work and every time you mention it, you are "controlling" and are unreasonable. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> Understand?

Goal: you want the separation document ready just after she moves out. Allowing her to move out without a separation document allows you to argue that she abandoned the home and family unilaterally (for legal considerations down the road). Ask your lawyer about this. But, you want it to be accepted by her to protect yourself and your daughter.

In parallel with all this, prepare a Plan B letter. DO NOT tell your wife ANYTHING about Plan A or B. WSs who get an inkling of this usually label it as a childish, manipulative scheme that is invading their privacy or shows that the BS is selfish or controlling.

Goal: Be ready to launch the Plan B letter immediately after she moves out and upon securing a signed separation agreement.

Understand all this?

WAT

WAT.....Thanks so much for your sound advice. I found myself sometimes believing that this isn't real and other times the realization smacks me dead in the face.

I follow your logic and your obvious experience. This is something that I feared and although there are signs (albeit from foggy WW) that Plan B will occur much sooner than I had planned for. Preparing myself emotionally.

I have another question regarding exposure. I took all the replies from yesterday and applied a "merged version". It worked as written in the "MB handbook o' knowledge". I am contemplating exposure to the workplace if/when Plan B goes into affect. I don't want to ruin WW and I seem to have an ally in OM mother. BTW, when exposing the A to her, I did mention my DD and how I so desperately want to save my marriage and family. My question is about timing. I've calculated (novice) that the A has already started to wither on the vine. I say that because during one of the "sad" moments of conversation, WW said "I know you are hurting" and added "but he is too. I seen it in is eyes". (In case anyone is wondering, I didn't LB and toss out "I don't give a d#$n about his feelings"). I just nodded as if to acknowledge. By saying that, WW confirmed what I sadly already knew. The clothes worn yesterday for the office were a bit more "attractive" than the usual attire and I surmised WW was meeting OM for lunch or something.

Rambling....back to my question. Are there any telltell signs that the A is on the downward trend? I've read and re-read SAA and my situation seems to be on the end of the spectrum (friendship > EA > PA). Trying to ease my emotions.

Thanks in advance and God Bless all of you.

Tell tale signs?

Generally, actions speak louder than words.

But I caution you to try to avoid figuring out on a day to day basis what's going on in the affair. Heck, the affairees mostly don't even know.

But a few things are broadly indicative, it seems:

The madder she is at you, the better you're doing. This assumes you're not LB'ing her left and right. This is somewhat counterintuitive, but it makes sense the more you think about it. If you're doing the right things in Plan A, you're creating conflict in her mind. She was SURE OM would make her happier than you can and this new relationship is so "right" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> - now she's maybe seeing that you ought to get another look and this conflicts with her prior conclusions. As a result, you are a burr under her saddle. How could you? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

If she's depressed, things aren't so good in LaLa Land - or she misses OM. Hard to tell. Don't try to figure it out.

If she's happy go lucky, all is well in LaLa Land - or she's so fog bound on her dopamine high that she can't see past the end of her nose and she has NO IDEA that she's really in free fall. Hard to tell.

See?

So, other than her being mad at you, there's no way to accurately read the mind of a WS. Heck, how many guys can read the mind of a woman in normal times? Let the aliens stir her brains and we have no chance!

Not much help, just don't LB and do Plan A your butt off.

WAT