To all that remember me:

I am back and I want to start out by saying I am a liar and a fraud. Last time I was here, I was saying that I am happily recovering my M. I was full of crap.

To those who don't know me, I am a WW actively in an EA with a MM that was a PA until February of this year. The A started as an EA, turned PA in August of last year, then back to strictly EA in February of this year.

I have been lying to everyone. I am the worst nightmare to all BS's here on this board and most of all to my own, unsuspecting H.

I have been too embarrassed to come clean here, too full of pride, too FOGGED out in my own sickness to be honest with you folks. You folks that took your time to help me, give me hope, give me a good kick in the a$$ when I needed it, and support me through telling my H back in December and trying to rebuild my M (which I haven't honestly been doing at all)

I am going to copy and paste some posts that I have put on to the SYMC board so that I don't have to retype everything.

I just don't know what to do with myself. I honestly can say that I am weak, fogged out and self-destructive. I am destroying my marriage, my friendships, my career, my entire life because of one man that I got involved deeply in an affair with and I truly can't seem to untangle myself from this sick insane relationship. I am one sick sorry a%% excuse for a human being.

Please folks, I am begging you all to start hammering me from all angles with the 2x4's. I don't want sympathy or any type of consolation. I need honest painful reality checks here because I am too fogged out and too insane to think rationally.

Any questions you have PLEASE don't hesitate to ask.

<small>[ August 12, 2004, 07:19 AM: Message edited by: lost-cause? ]</small>

MY FIRST POST ON SYMC:

Hi all. I would like to share my situation and I absolutely welcome any and all comments/suggestions/support..

I am a 34 year old WW who is still involved in an A. I have been M for almost 5 years, with my H for 12. We have no children and OMM/OMW has no children. I met the OMM at work last February 2003, we became friendly almost immediately, having the same personalities, interests and both lacking something in our M's. I was with H 10 years when it started, OMM was married less than a year. Our A started as just friends when we started having coffee together after work in May 2003, "falling in love" in June 2003 and turning to sexual A in July 2003.

The A was a "soulmate" affair and very intense emotionally. We professed our love for each other and conspired to leave our spouses to be together. For months we met in secret and most times it was just to hang out and talk and I would say in 6 months of PA we had sex maybe 9 times. We were much more emotionally and mentally involved than physically.

The holidays were rough and the guilt was horrible so I confessed to H a week before Christmas (real nice of me, huh?) Naturally, H was devastated, because he had NO IDEA and because he really believed I would be the LAST person in the world to have an A. I didn't want to end the A, really, at the time, but I needed to because I lost 20 pounds, my health was suffering and I felt so lost and alone. I had NO M left, I had completely alienated my husband, my friends, my job, my 'self'. I thought if I confessed to H that it would force me to end the A. Well it didn't, it made me feel more victimized and my situation more like "star-crossed lovers" that all the odds are against me and OMM being together.

I continued to see the OMM on the sly and finally tried NC on Feb 2. H really wanted to expose the A to OMM's W and I begged him not to, and he agreed on one condition, that unless OMM quits his job immediately and never contacts me again, he will expose the A to his W. I told OMM H was serious and OMM said "Well, H would be doing me a favor, and himself an injustice, because then I would be free to be with you!" I told him to quit his job and that was when I decided to end contact and see what can be done with my M.
That lasted until March 11 when he contacted me and said he missed me and I am his best friend ever. I agreed to meet with him for coffee and talk and we ended up hanging out together several times a week, going for coffee, dinner, movies, gym, etc. There has been no kissing, hugging or sex at all since we re-established contact. We have been "just friends" or at least try to convince ourselves that it is even possible. But I know the truth. We are having an "emotional affair"

OMM tells me he is still very miserable with his W (according to him, they fight constantly and speak of divorce). I am not miserable with my H at all. In fact, despite the fact that I see OMM so often, I have grown to adore my H even more than ever and I am much more doting on him, pay tons of attention to him, enjoy sex with him, and want to be with him. I want to save my M. I want to totally respect my H again. H doesn't know of the renewed contact, and I know most people would say to tell him, but at this point I know for a fact H would not give me a second chance if he knew. I know that's me still lying, hiding, etc.

Anyway, I am tired of the rollercoaster of this EA. I have no intention of ending my marriage. OMM really believes that we belong together and it's only a matter of time before it happens. I have tried to enforce the "boundaries" of our friendship, and for the most part OMM respects my wishes, but what is really disturbing is how jealous he is of my H and my M. If I tell OMM that I have plans to go out w/H, he asks "why? you're not going to enjoy yourself" or he will get mad at me and not speak to me for a few days. 4th of July weekend, OMM went to his inlaws place w/W. He called me that Saturday and told me that they had a huge fight and he wanted me to drive 60 miles to go pick him up!! I was home with H for the weekend and I told him I couldn't leave. I told him not to do anything irrational just stay there and try to get thru the weekend without fighting. He ended up taking a train home by himself and then was mad at me because I didn't drop everything to go get him. Now how insane is that?
Last sunday he wanted to go to the gym with me and I told him that I am only available in the morning b/c H and I are going to a b-day party for a friend of H. OMM got mad and told me "forget it, I am not going to the gym now" and I was like why not? He said "I don't want to get in the way of your 'fun'..." and I told him, "you know I never ask you where you go, what you do, or anything pertaining to your W or M. I never get mad if you have to do stuff with your WIFE! I never do this to you, what is wrong with you??" He hung up on me and didn't talk to me for 2 days. He has been acting this way more often that not recently, it seems like he really expects that I am going to leave my H and talks about when we "eventually end up together..." "when we get married...", etc.

There was a time back when we were involved in the PA that we *did* plan to leave our spouses. I expressed when we re-established contact that that is NOT what I want to do now. I want to stay with my H and work it out. OMM didn't and still doesn't believe it. He thinks he is King Sh*t and that I can't live without him and that *I* am waiting for *him* to leave his W. (NOT TRUE!!)

I basically really don't like OMM much, I don't think he's a nice person, I think he is very self-centered, narcissistic, demanding and arrogant. He doesn't say nice things about his wife, and always complains about her and tells me he wishes she was me. To this day she has no idea he had an affair or is still involved in an EA. The problem is, I can't seem to break the addiction.

This weekend OMM totally pissed me off with his attitude, it was H's birthday and I had plans for H & I to spend the day together. We had a great time together and in fact I didn't think about OMM at all the whole time. I took H to get a new cell phone at Radio Shack (a nice 350.00 model w/a camera) and I took him to his favorite restaurant. When we got home I put on the sexiest Victoria's Secret teddy and fishnets and lit candles and totally seduced and romanced him. OMM was furious that I didn't contact him all weekend, and I told him I was busy. He flipped out on me and I told him in so many words to piss off and leave me alone. I told him I'm tired of his crap and I am DONE! Monday morning he sent me an email, and he said if I don't want to be 'friends' anymore, he will respect my wishes, but he doesn't want it to end like this. I said well there is no good way to end things, we just have to go our seperate ways. I haven't communicated with him since, but I will be honest, part of me is anticipating him contacting me. 75% of me is tired of him, tired of his whole personality, tired of the drama, but 25% of me likes the attention and the excitement. I know that I am basically just addicted to the relationship, and I hate that about myself.

I am at work now and I see him on Instant Messenger (I am using a private screen name that he doesn't know) so I am basically stalking him just to see if he is online.

People, I need the strength to let go of this guy and get on with my marriage and my life 100%. My H is such an awesome man. I want so much to give him 100% again without hiding, sneaking and taking away from him to give to OMM. What can I do to let go?

I LOVE MY H. Yes we have issues, yes there are things we don't agree on, and there is one huge obstacle that we have yet to overcome, I want children, H doesn't. This is something that eventually we will have to address since H is 42 and I am 34 and we ain't getting any younger...but...I know that where I want to be is with H.

Thanks for reading!!

JUST SO YOU KNOW THE WONDERFUL PEOPLE AT SYMC GAVE ME TERRIFIC ADVICE WHICH I IGNORED...

NEXT POST: (and note what a liar I am about wanting to rebuild my M)

OK so here I am at home, and I have a lot of stuff to do in the house, put away the laundry, clean up, dust, make the bed, etc. and I have no motivation.

So anyway, a little more history...first and foremost, let me tell you about H. He is a great person, nice to everyone, loyal, faithful and honest. He is a very hard worker, has his own business and works terribly long hours late into the night. This has always been an issue with me, though I do understand that he must work hard to keep his business running, I get lonely and feel neglected quite often. In the past, he wouldn't even call me during the night to say hello and I felt unloved and became quite resentful. I know now that it isn't that he doesn't love me, he just gets lost in his work and is very anti-social when he works. We don't have a typical married life where we spend evenings at home having dinner and watching TV. For the most part, I come home to an empty house and just make something small for myself. H has dinner at the diner by his shop with some buddies, and that accounts for his social life. Again, I understand, but still, it gets lonely. H is not an emotional guy, and doesn't require much affection or sex. never has and I knew that from the beginning. I require a lot of affection and attention and some of this because I am insecure, I suppose. I love cuddling, kissing and have a very big sexual appetite. For years, I suppressed my needs for affection/sex but I guess that manifested itself in resentment as well without me even realizing it at first. H is a very simple guy, and I don't mean intellect, as he is extremely brilliant, I mean in his life in terms of hobbies, extra-curricular activities, etc. He doesn't like going to concerts, the movies, or sports events like I do (I usually go with my father or sister to these events) so basically thru the years we kinda lived separate lives, catching up with each other on sundays when H usually takes off work.

Well, in walks OM. His wife also isn't interested in the things he likes, which is everything I friggin like, fitness, playing sports, going to games, concerts, etc. OM is very emotional (oh gosh, is he), very passionate, affectionate, basically a male version of me. And boy did we get all of our EN's met from each other for a while there.

I am not trying to re-write history here, again, H has been always faithful to me, always cared about me, was always there for me, defending me, supporting me, loyal, etc. In his way, he loved me to the best of his ability and experience and still does. In fact, he forgave me for having an A and still loves me. He didn't mean to neglect me or hurt me in any way, he simply didn't know how to fill my needs, didn't understand my needs or was just too busy to get involved.

I do find it disturbing that he has swept the entire A under the rug and never ever brings it up. Sometimes I'll sit and just look at him, really see him for the honest, faithful good person he is and start crying because of how I have hurt him. No matter what, he didn't deserve such betrayal. For a year, I completely shut down, was mean to him, emotionally unavailable, distant, and just didn't love him. He tolerated it and prayed that I would come around. he didn't know I was having an A and when I finally confessed he cried so hard and we talked for a long time that night, and after that the topic was never discussed again. I have therapy every tuesday night at 10pm, and he knows it and there is an open invitation for him to attend, but he never does. So basically, there is no real recovery happening in our life, thus I use my time to see/obsess over OMM. No excuse, I know, and I also know that until I finally put my foot down and completely block OMM out of my life, my part in our recovery is never going to be 100%. And I'll admit, I am waiting for H to step up to the plate and see what our issues are and realize that these are issues that must be addressed for both of us to have a happy committed marriage.

Now, another sore topic. Children. H has said he doesn't want children. I have for around 5 years desperately wanted a child. I have been hoping that H would change his mind. I hoped that if we finally got married, he would change his mind. I wished for an "accident" to happen, which never does, and I've been off birth control for 7 years. I am 34, H is 42, the window for having a family is closing more and more each year we get older. I know that this is a huge issue that must be addressed in counselling. I don't know what to do. I have also resented H for this for a few years. But again, he made it clear he didn't want children before we got married. So this is really my problem, now.

I have really made a mess of my life. I never confronted our M issues and chose to shut out H and have an A. I had an A and now I am addicted to the OMM and the relationship. it has affected all areas of my life. I started smoking (mind you, I have always been athletic and fit), I have been at the same company for 5 1/2 years and my career was really starting to take off when I got involved w/OMM. I had just gotten a promotion and a raise, and received praise from my superiors and co-workers. Well in the past 9 months I have gotten two verbal and one written warnings regarding my performance and punctuality. I have no interest at all in my career path or my current job. I am very sporadic with my housework, sometimes letting the chores go undone for a week or two and that gets H very upset! I really can't attest to anything positive about myself for the past year and a half. I allowed my whole life to fall apart around me while I obsess over OMM and this crazy A. I have alienated most of my friends and family and naturally I can't be myself even when I am around them. I am tired of living this way.

Anyway, that's it for now, I really have to get my chores done before H gets home.

And again, I am not blaming H for my A. It's not his fault or because of anything *he* has done. I take full responsibility. I just needed to vent.

OK .... ready?

You said, "OMW doesn't know" in your sig line....

Want to feel good about yourself? Step one....

Tell OMW yourself about the affair.

Rat yourself out.

This will clear your conscience.
This will piss off MM. (which is good and necessary)
This will close the widow of contact opportunity to continue your self-destructive path.

Pep <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

MRSX,

I applaud you for coming clean. I am a novice here so the experts will send you down the right path. Keep this new found passion alive over your hypocrisy and use it as a tool for remodeling yourself, your soul and your M.


Best of Luck. You are in my prayers

A REPLY FROM A MOD AT SYMC:

Ok, lots of things to address...first, reality. OM and his wife. How do you know his wife doesn't like to do stuff with him? Because he told you? His relationship with you is built on lies and deceit. Why do you believe what he tells you about his marriage?

The children issue is a big one. But, you and your husband did have an agreement before the marriage and it doesn't sound like he wants to change anything right now so you shouldn't change anything. You should not be waiting for the 'accident' to happen. That would not be very respectful of your husband. What is his issue with children? He doesn't want the responsibility? He doesn't want to see you suffering through pregnancy or delivery? He doesn't want to see you fat? He doesn't want to give up any of the time he has with you now?

Whether your H understands it or not, he is getting some important emotional needs met through work and the social life with his work friends. Not good. You should be meeting some of these needs as well.

Can you join him for dinner sometime? Sounds like your schedule has more flexibility.

So you are not feeling appreciated at home. What are you going to tell your H about it? Your needs are not being met. What are you going to tell him about that?

So if your needs for affection and admiration were being met, you wouldn't feel so crummy about doing the housework and meeting his needs? Right? No fair meeting only his needs.

ILMH, you still need to cut off contact from OM. You need to get your H involved to support you. What would that look like to you? If his calls home to you are good, then tell him how much you appreciate it when he calls, even if it is a short talk.

How about girl friends? Any around that will support your marriage? Stay away from opposite sex friendships of any sort. It is dangerous for you. See Penny's thread about Boundaries over on the Infidelity forum. Put up walls to protect yourself from men other than your husband. With your husband, lower those walls and start being honest with how you are feeling. Brain storm. Work on solutions to how each of your are going to get your needs met. What if he didn't work so many hours? Could he hire some help to fill in some of those work hours?

How's that for homework?

ANOTHER MOD REPLIED:

Many marriages survive affairs but fail to recover because there is no recovery plan in place. This is particularly true of your situation because the conditions that created vulnerability are still very much in place. It is severely hampering your ability to disconnect with the OM because your marriage is still on such shaky ground.

Yes, you are having an affair....and your husband did NOT deserve that. However, what about you? What do you deserve? Do you deserve a marriage where your needs are met? Do you deserve a husband who has time for you? It's much harder to give up a relationship where you feel loved and wanted when you apparently have no hope of achieving that at home.

Chere...you are a human being, with needs and desires that are equally important to your husband's. You admit that the OM is not really a nice person, and yet the fear of going to back to your lonely existence is not attractive enough to motivate you to stop. How would it feel to empower yourself to change that? Because here's the deal....what you did was wrong, but the success of your marriage requires the effort of BOTH you and your husband. Even after the affair....he seems complacent about doing what is necessary to care and protect you.

You believe that because you are so "bad" and such an awful person for having this affair....that you are the one that has to do all the work...and it's never going to work that way. If you try to do this alone, your marriage will eventually fail anyway because living separate lives is never going to create enough intimacy to sustain your relationship without huge amounts of sacrifice for you. I don't think you deserve to live that way....do you?

I'm going to give you some suggestions. Practical ones that will have some impact on this situation. Some of them have already been mentioned...by I'm going to repeat them just to give you a complete list of good "to dos" for you.

*Tell OMs wife. No matter what he says about how awful his marriage is....if it were that bad, he would have left already. It is pressure on the affair that will help create accountability.

*Put extraordinary precautions in place to avoid the OM. Block his email. Change your cell phone number. Write a no contact letter. Take steps that cannot be undone. Until you do those things, and as long as the affair is ongoing, any steps you take to recover your marriage will fail.

Now...to address the marriage. Please sit down and begin to make your life honest. Part of the reason you are falling apart in every area of your life is that you are living this big lie. The pressure of keeping lies is tearing you apart.

Tell our husband that:

The future of your marriage depends on his participation. That you know you are still vulnerable to an affair, because you are so lonely.

The future of your marriage depends on his participation in counseling. Ask him if he is willing to balance is work scedule enough to show you that matters to him. If he can't....ask him what steps he's willing to take to get to a place where he DOES have the time...because in the meantime, you are suffering.

The future of your marriage depends on you having time to be together. Ask him what steps he is willing to make in order to give more time to you? People all over the world have their own businesses and still have good marriages. Why shouldn't you?

Start meeting him for dinner at the diner at least three times a week. If he has time to eat with friends, he has time to be with you.

Start helping out at his business so that he can leave earlier. If both of you are working, how much does he help with the household chores?

You don't need a hobby chere....you need a husband. And unless you get one....you are going to find yourself very vulnerable and afraid. Ask for his help. Tell him truthfully why you can't end the affair. Without that information, he can't make the changes that will save this marriage. Just because he is a good faithful man....and he deserves a good wife...doesn't mean he can take you for granted and expect you to spend your life alone.

As far as the baby thing....get him into counseling and talk about that....but get him there.

Be ready to enforce some of these boundaries.

mrsx:

I remember.

Good vent.

But: If you not only would not listen 2 the advice you were getting, but you lied about what progress you were making, ...just what do you want 2 hear now?

I do wish you well, though.

-ol' 2long

MY LATEST POST ON SYMC:
(BTW, i am going to the gym with a girlfriend, i look forward to replies when i get back!)

SYMC:
Hi All, it's been a while since my last post. I am sitting here with a massive hangover from going out last night with some friends. I never drink, it's the first time since I had alcohol in over ten years, and I had 5 glasses of wine.
I had a very nice time, didn't get drunk, just buzzed pretty well.

At the beginning of the month, I sent my NC letter to OM. I didn't tell H about the continuing contact, and I'm not sure if I am going to.

OM tried to contact me and after like 4 days I finally gave in and replied to an email he sent me. We met on IM for a chat, and he told me he was on vacation with his W visiting her relatives. I flipped out. I told him that I hope he's having a nice time and then I signed off. Then I cried. I got insanely jealous and started obsessing about them together on vacation. I can't get these thoughts out of my head.

When I came home last night I still had a major buzz going and I sent him a long email telling him that I am sick of this, I am done, goodbye, leave me alone forever, blah blah blah. I didn't mean one word I was saying. I realize I was just trying to get a reaction out of him.
Well, he emailed me this morning, he called my cell phone twice and I ignored him then finally he got me on IM and started telling me that I am driving him nuts. Telling him to leave me alone, then going nuts and sending an email like I did. I'm driving *HIM* nuts! I am the one that is NUTS. I am acting like a PSYCHO OW.
I have an H. I am married. OM is married. WTF am I doing?

I am sick with myself, I really am. I am trying to get out of denial here and I need help!
I am so fogged out and have been all along. The only thing I have been doing is trying to have the upper hand in the A and string the OM along. I think to test him. To see if he really will leave his W. To see if he really does mean it when he tells me he loves me and that we belong together.

DO I SOUND LIKE A PSYCHO FOGGED OUT WS OR WHAT?
I push OM away and tell him that I'll never leave my H for him, then I am the one that gets jealous and insane when he goes on vaca. with his W.

I feel like I won't be satisfied until I ruin two marriages. Mine and his. Mine would be easy to ruin, all I have to do is tell H what I have been doing with my time and thoughts the past 6 or so months.

I think of contacting OM's W out of spite. To punish him. Not out of compassion as a woman. As a sick obsessed OW trying to ruin a marriage.
OM wants to talk tonight at 9:30, don't know where his W will be, guess not in their hotel room. The sick addicted WS/OW part of me is anticipating getting my 'fix' meeting him for a chat online. The disgusted with myself, tired of this crap part of me is saying just be ANYWHERE but in front of the computer tonight.

Here is the reality that I am going to have to face here, folks.
I am addicted to this A, I am addicted to and obsessed with OM and I am terrified that I am never going to be able to let go until one of two things happens.
1. I totally lose it and end up in a hospital.
2. I totally lose it and flip out and tell H everything and tell OM's W everything.

Can I be honest here and say that I don't want to give up OM? That I am scared to? That I don't think I can give him up?

It feels like a sickness to me. I can't function. I can't work, eat, sleep, socialize, do anything normally, functionally.

I really don't know if I have the strength to truly end contact and follow thru with it and I know that if I don't I can't work on ME or my M.

Mrsx,

I posted to you a bit way back when and I have to say I am very disappointed and my stomach turns.You betrayed your H but it also feels like a betrayal here after all the help so many gave you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I for one,do not have the wherewithal to go through that again with you.Once is enough.I hope you can somehow find help.I don't know that it's here with 2x4's or 4x4's or us.You need professional help.I don't really know for sure that you want help however,you have played us all just like your H.The best of....luck? UGH.

O

mrsx, what is it you don't know?

Your EA won't end if your H doesn't know. Or it might end and you'll just go have another one.

Your M won't survive if your H doesn't participate in recovery.

Your soul will be damaged as long as OMW doesn't know what her rotten H is doing with you. If she Ds him, that's her right.

And no matter what happens, there is no hope for a healthy R between you and OM.

But you already knew all that. I'm sure it's all a big "duh" to you. All you need now is courage.

GC

mrsx:

"DO I SOUND LIKE A PSYCHO FOGGED OUT WS OR WHAT?"

You sound like a psycho fogged out ws AND what.

"I feel like I won't be satisfied until I ruin two marriages. Mine and his. Mine would be easy to ruin, all I have to do is tell H what I have been doing with my time and thoughts the past 6 or so months."

While it's true that you're well on the road 2 ruining 2 Ms, it is NOT true that telling your H will be the thing that ruins yours. Your acts are doing the ruining, not telling him. Sure, he may choose 2 end the M himself when you do tell him, but he has the right 2 make that choice, not you.

"I think of contacting OM's W out of spite. To punish him. Not out of compassion as a woman. As a sick obsessed OW trying to ruin a marriage."

No. I think this is rationalization. You don't want 2 end contact so you don't tell her. You also don't want 2 run the risk of OM coming after you if you do tell her. This is why you should tell your H first, THEN tell the OMW.

"OM wants to talk tonight at 9:30, don't know where his W will be, guess not in their hotel room. The sick addicted WS/OW part of me is anticipating getting my 'fix' meeting him for a chat online. The disgusted with myself, tired of this crap part of me is saying just be ANYWHERE but in front of the computer tonight."

Do yourself a favor and DELETE THE IM SOFTWARE from your computer. What good is it anyway? Then, simply don't contact OM, or answer if he tries 2 contact you. You must start somewhere.

"I am terrified that I am never going to be able to let go until one of two things happens.
1. I totally lose it and end up in a hospital.
2. I totally lose it and flip out and tell H everything and tell OM's W everything."

Pick number 2.

"Can I be honest here and say that I don't want to give up OM? That I am scared to? That I don't think I can give him up?"

Sure. It's a refreshing change, if it's real honesty.

"It feels like a sickness to me. I can't function. I can't work, eat, sleep, socialize, do anything normally, functionally."

Not unusual. Withdrawl will be like that 2, whether it's from the OM or your H, depending on your choices. Might as well get started, because you can't go around, you have 2 work through the pain.

"I really don't know if I have the strength to truly end contact and follow thru with it and I know that if I don't I can't work on ME or my M."

You do need professional help. You do need 2 be honest, particularly 2 those around you that you are responsible 2. And NO, you owe OM NOTHING. Nothing but your utter SILENCE, that is.

best,
-ol' 2long

2. I totally lose it and flip out and tell H everything and tell OM's W everything.

And that would be a bad thing because???? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Do what you want...your H and OM are adults and will do what they need to after exposure.

The thing that concens me is that you are not using birth control. You are running the risk of bringing an innocent child into this HUGE mess and MASSIVE drama of yours...and I sense you would be ok with that. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

You KNOW what you are doing is wrong...you KNOW what you need to do...<with me so far?>...why aren't you doing it???!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

JMHO
committed

mrsx, I remember you but don't think I ever posted to you before. There are a lot of issues going on here but one that I'd like to point out is that you are with a VERY controlling OM. So much of his behavior is like the OM I was involved with. You say you basicaly don't like him, well I hear you loud and clear on that one!

I stayed for the longest time in spite of dislike b/c of his "need" to micromanage my life and insist that I jump when he said jump ect. I couldn't even take a vacation w/ H during my stint with OM b/c I couldn't face the ensuing fallout. Insane and I knew it but was helpless to help myself. Here is a link I would like you to look at and comment on: www.drjoecarver.com

Read the article on identifying "losers" in relationships (don't let the term throw you!)and see for yourself how many points OM exhibits on the twenty behavioral characterstics of a loser.

You HAVE to know what you are dealing with to cut loose from this guy. The article has an excellent section on breaking this type of realtionship off. You are in bondage and a lot of this has to do with OM's basic nature and how much you have allowed him to influence you. You've got some GREAT SYMC advice but you need to get some more internal information here to get strong enough to break it off permanently.

OM is one of those certain despicable types of male animal, let's get you squared away as to how to deal with him. Only when he is gone out of your life because you ABSOLUTELY want him gone can you think straight. This is killing you, I can tell. Check the link, ok? KB

mrsx:
Please believe me when I say I am not attacking you. I'm trying to better understand what's going on with you before I answer. Can you answer these questions for me?

1. How are you feeling about this situation? (guilt-ridden, ashamed, excited, confused, worried . . .) Please try not to respond "All of the above." What feeling is the strongest or most prevalent?
2. What are you looking for from the board? (encouragement to end it, tips for making NC last, comfort, . . . )

Knowing those two things will help me help you.

Mrsx

From what I have seen in life, with myself and others, is this is where you are heading if you don't head the advice you have been given here, and on the other board -

Because you are a nice person and you do have a conscience and are obviously in a horrible place mentally, you are going to self destruct. Both of these men will end it with you eventually, which one will be first I don't know. But both will, and then you will be faced with such complete and utter aloneness, alone with your self to deal with the horrible fallout of your selfish and self-destructive actions.

You will then be forced to rebuild your life from the bottom up, but this time it will be with strength, self forgiveness and self love. But it will take a very long time to get to this place of rebuilding, because first you will have to atone for the pain you have caused. Your self hate will be great, and you will feel you need to suffer for all you have done. And like the man in the desert, after wondering alone and suffering for years, you will raise your head to the heavens and say I have suffered enough Father, please forgive me and let me live again.

Then you will truely be able to love yourself and others.

Are you up to it?

<small>[ August 11, 2004, 05:12 PM: Message edited by: weaver ]</small>

Sorry, but I think you need to come clean and get help!! You are destroying people's lives!!! Isn't that worth stopping this madness? People are getting hurt!!!!!! JUST STOP!!!!!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Originally posted by mrsx:

Any questions you have PLEASE don't hesitate to ask.

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Here's my question ... it took me a little while to compose MY question....

Please tell me (us at MB) .... Why we should care enough about your marriage to post advice to you when it appears you care very little about saving your marriage?

Why should we make an effort where you have not?

This is a real question .... I think answering it will HELP YOU come to terms with yourself.

Pep <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

Have you considerd whether if you can't seem to give up the OM then maybe it is better to be truthful with your husband, tell him as much and give him an opportunity to get in with his own life and make some of his own decisiona. Or even just cutting your H loose as he deserves a lot better than he has gotten from you.

I followed your posts here before and I am very disappointed.

I can't understand why you would even lie to the board. What is the point of posting for help and being untruthful here. What can you gain from that.

Do you really think that things will go any differently this time. Are you posting to try again to give up OM or are you just conning yourself into thinking that by posting here and doing nothing towards giving up OM that in some way makes your affair less wrong because you are trying.

What is your aim at this time?
C&S

O, yes I know and you are completely valid with everything you say. I hear you loud and clear.


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Octobergirl:
<strong> ,

I posted to you a bit way back when and I have to say I am very disappointed and my stomach turns.You betrayed your H but it also feels like a betrayal here after all the help so many gave you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I for one,do not have the wherewithal to go through that again with you.Once is enough.I hope you can somehow find help.I don't know that it's here with 2x4's or 4x4's or us.You need professional help.I don't really know for sure that you want help however,you have played us all just like your H.The best of....luck? UGH.

O </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

<small>[ August 12, 2004, 07:26 AM: Message edited by: lost-cause? ]</small>