You know, way2, I do a good bit "what iffing" myself.

What if staying married was the mistake? Recovery has been hard.

What would life have been like for everyone if I had left for the OW?

I sometimes wonder if I didn't do more damage to EVERYONE by staying.

I used to carry a lot of guilt for the collapse of the OW's marriage. She put all of her eggs in my basket. When I chose to stay with my wife, I'm sure she felt abandoned. I know third-hand that her life spiralled into disaster after that. For the longest time I had the urge to try and "rescue" her. It took me so long to let the OW own the consequences of her own choices.

But you know what? There are somethings that just can't be undone. I can't save the OW from herself. You can't change the fact that your marriage started as an affair. So what do we do?

We can't change the past. It is what it is. We may not be proud of it, but it's there.

We CAN look at it and apply the lessons we've learned to the choices we make NOW.

I chose to remain married to my wife. You chose to marry Myad. We both have to look at where we are RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW and decide if what we have is what we want.

If I blot out everything that's happened to this point, I can see that RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW I have a wife who loves me and I love her, I have kids who are reasonably well adjusted with a stable home life. No it's not perfect, but I'm doing the best I can with what I have.

I can't undo what I did. You can't either. Learn from it and let it go.

Okay just a note before I actually get some work done.

I am working my way through this ... everyone here on MB, MBR and through email has been giving me words of support, caring and wacking me about a bit -- which is actually something I wanted (sort of like Spock trying to come out of a coma)

To this point, through your posts, prayers, long and deep thought I am realizing that there would have been no good ending to my marriage with xh.

He may have actually suceeded in killing me. There were night when he did try ... as I have said here before there was a night when he had me on the floor choking me, before passing out... I mouthed "You're going to kill me." and with the coldest eyes looking back he replied "That's right." I really have no idea how i survived that night, except with God's intervention.

Anyway I am working my way through -- it's sort of like sorting laundry .... this I keep, this I throw away, this I give to charity.

I'm working my way through these feelings ... I do appreciate all that you all are saying.

way2

<small>[ August 16, 2004, 01:06 PM: Message edited by: way2 ]</small>

Well I'm here today to say thank you to ForeverHers, weaver, brown, knewbetter, twyla, DrCu, hopesalive, dleightonc, aussie2, whoisme, paintbox, its2late, kat, dru, hiker, atrueheart, nursebetty (all from GQII, In Recovey and MBR) if I have missed anyone -- thank you, there have been some many people reaching out that it's hard to remember them all.

I think my biggest shock came from FH -- now I know why I think you are such a fine person and a good friend. You all are.

The upshod is this:

I'm going to waist no more time dwelling on this. I can't change it... I did work very hard on that marriage through impossible odds. My xh is a violent man, a Viet Nam veteran, who along with his physical abuse toward me, made sure I understood that he had killed before and could do it again.

I still hold some love in my heart for him.. you can't have worked as hard as I did for a marriage, and for a person to be better (even if they keep shooting themself in the foot) and not hold something there. There was once hate, but what emotion that is there for him is love and prayers that he some day becomes a person who takes responsibility for himself and his actions and his happy.

This was a violent marriage, and when I tried to get out he successfully imtimated all my witnesses, including one of my ministers. The way I got out may not have been MB kosher, but with your brain so racked and muddled -- maybe any way out, short of your death or someone elses, is a good thing -- even if it may seem wrong to others.

I worked with three other vietnam vet wives .. all were abused. One was divorced, he still came over and would hit her around (I hid at her house one night), another was separated from her husband (a tunnel rat) he abused her but she would not divorce him for fear of her own life and that of her children, and the other stayed with her husband and turned her back on me when I kicked him out.

A woman's life is most endanger when she leaves her abuser. More women are killed in abusive relationship when they try to leave or after they leave (this is why shelter addresses are kept in sort of an underground fashion -- the address of mine what taped to the underside of my desk at work -- but they were full when I needed them most) IF you've been moved at all by my story, send a $10, $25 or $50 check to a women's shelter and/or your local AMEND chapter -- help someone else.

Women's shelters also empty when a woman who tried to leave is killed by her abuser. Those women still in those relationships feel it is better to be alive and abused, than dead.

My relationship and then marriage to Myad may not have started out in the most ideal way or circumstances -- and we've both had to grow alot, and stick with each other through some pretty tough times ... but I wouldn't trade him, or want to loose him, nor would I ever consider going back to my xh, or living with abuse again.

I have a wonderful person in my life -- and that's what I'm going to focus on.

way2

double post

<small>[ August 17, 2004, 12:29 PM: Message edited by: way2 ]</small>

EXCELLENT!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> KB

Hi W2,

I'm sorry I never replied again.

I've been thinking about you ... I haven't had time to read and post ....

I'll catch up soon <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I hope you have sorted some things out in your head and heart (about XH, your M (now) and your H).

I'll be looking for ya and if there is anything I can help with - I'll try.

Peace of God be with you!!!

B

<small>[ August 17, 2004, 04:36 PM: Message edited by: brown ]</small>