Well, I am done with him! I kicked him out last night even after he BEGGED me not to! He called me several times this week saying he was going to end it with her and come home..he loved me so much and he has bonded with me, etc, etc, etc...

he went to a conference for the past 2 days. Was supposed to come back home today. I tried calling him at 1:30..then I paged him...no answer! No calls back! I started to panic..I finally called the Texas dept of transportation and put out an (I dont know what it is called) APB or something on him...I was panicking! I was frantic...

FINALLY at about 7:00 I called his cell phone and it rang! He answered, seemed disturbed that I was calling! I KNEW she was there! I asked him where he was and he said OG! I started talking and asking him some questions...He was almost taling in code with me...like he would say

"this is not the time to talk about this"
"we can talk about this later"
"I already told you where I stand"
"we went over this on Sunday"

OK, why isn't this a good time...because the B**** is there with you?

Later? Why later...why not now?

OK, so tell me again where you stand?

Oh, refresh my memory what we say on sunday?

ok, he would not tell me where he stood...he would not refresh my memory...it was just can we talk about this later! I got mean and nasty! I was furious! THEN he said this as I was yelling in the phone!

"Oops, sorry"

WHAT!!!! oh, golly did you hurt your little girlfriend! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> He said "yes"

I am so mad right now! I am so upset! I am so hurt! I am so...I hate him! I just want to stranle him...

he missed his sons first day of kindergarten...He hasn't even called them to ask about school...he doesn't even care

Can I file in Texas for abandonment of his children AND adultry? What IS abandonment?

Mom,

I am online so IM if you want to talk. You need a shoulder.

This is so much more of the same old same old. How much can one person stand?

After his conference he was coming home.... but first he stopped off to see OW?

You hate him now. This has to end. Please go into Plan B and let yourself heal. I truly believe that is your only hope.

I am worried about you.

~ Snow

Snow, I am just sick! I heard her in the background! He was laying on the bed with her! You know my boob is killing me..he didn't even ask about it! I was really hoping he would come by tomorrow and take the kids to see Yugi Oh, or however you spell it!

It is just like the person he was in March! I NEED to do Plan B! I really do...

I was asking about abandonment because he refuses to take the kids when I do this to him...he will not take them while he is galavanting around!

he said he just couldhn't leave her because of the circumstances. BUT he can leave his family, right! Well, I will let him...I am not going to let him back this time!

Today, I took care of three children, ages 8, 5, and 3. The mother is a friend of mine. She's been arguing with her husband about the care of her stepson, also age 8. On Monday, the father left, closed down the checking account, and had her served with a domestic violence restraining order for threatening with a knife. (She was putting peanut butter and raisins on apples once when they were arguing.)

I took care of the children on Monday when she saw a lawyer. She went back on Wednesday and filed for divorce. Today she filed a counter restraining order.

You know what the five year old boy said to me today while we were at the park? He was crying, and he said he was a half-orphan.

I was there, reassuring him that his mother loved him and his father loved him and they are just upset with each other. His world has collapsed.

He goes to kindergarten with my 5 year old in a few weeks. He knows Dad tried to get Mom out of the house -- that maybe Mom will go and Dad will come, that maybe they will have a 50-50 share like with the older brother, or maybe Dad will stay out and it will be Mom.

I am telling you this story because it is time for DAD to be out -- Plan B -- not just for a little bit of time but for long enough time that he comes back grovelling if he comes back at all. Look to your children!

When I told my friend what her son had said, she was crying.

Divorce the guy. You can marry him again later if he is willing to go through the MB program and is willing to never see this woman again. Be done with him until/unless he really has turned a corner.

I just can't get over that little boy crying and saying he was a half-orphan. I wish these philanderers would realize what they put their precious fragile children through...

Cherished

Dear Mom and Cherished,
How I truly hear you both !
My situation was a little different in that I was the grandmother who took care of the baby (1yr. to 7yrs). The terrible impact from the loss of his parents was a nightmare.Both of his parents ended up in jail (several times), but that wasn't the end of it. If they had just stayed away until they got their acts together, he might have had a chance, but NO WAY.... All they could think of was their selfish rights (?) and wishes. Each time they came and went in and out of his life, he went on another round of abandonment. This happened over 21 times....that's right ! twenty one...... I fought with every penny that I had to keep him safe and coping. There were legals, child psychologists, childrens aid workers, judges etc etc. etc. He had so many difficulties adjusting to the craziness it was heartbreaking. At the end of it all, he is now back with his mother. She has turned a corner and is doing quite well, but DAD is still "coming and going" if you know what I mean. The laws, being what they are, do not protect children adequately. The parents would have to be axe murderers before custody would have been left unchallenged. He's 9 yrs. now and turning out to be a sweet little person, but what scars remain deep in his subconscious we'll just have to wait and pray. He is a little more philosophical about life now, but in those early years he was spreading feces and rage from one end of his life to the other. I wanted more than anything to have him happily live with his mother, WHEN she would be able to care for him properly. Some of this has come to pass, but the story is not over yet.When I congratulated her on all her progress, she admitted that her son does so much better when DAD isn't around. I only hope and pray that the next "foul up" will be the last one, and that she'll chose her son once and for all over this weak and irresponsible man.
I'm coming at this from the point of having watched and suffered along with the madness for
6+ years. I've seen the destruction, the pain and the sickness of it all. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy, let alone a child that I love.
Go to Plan B, and feel confident that your children will reap the benefits, probably for the rest of their lives. Wishing you peace ! WA

Mom,
I am sorry for your pain. Perhaps getting this angry and KNOWING that you deserve better will help you this round!

Plan B. There is no rush for anything other than that, except legal issues of his support and visiting schedules. I think Texas doesn't have legal separation though.

NO more talking with him, no R talk, nothing until he finishes with her FOR GOOD and has a provable plan of action for NO contact, or limited if she really is pregnant, but that would be with the child, not her, and how he is going to work on the M.

You did it before, you can do it again. He is in deep and he kind of likes it this way. He has got you both going and neither wants to let go entirely. Let go. ENTIRELY. There is NO MORE work for you to do on the R. Just your own journey to real love for yourself. No one deserves this kind of treatment. You have hung in more than the average BS. Get tough. No talking. Give yourself good care, get support from those you love and the boards and grow on your own. You may never really want him back, but if you do accept him back again it will be after he spends a long time proving himself worthy.

SOrry!

Mom, I just read your post and I feel so angry for you. I really want to tell you to just dump him. Sorry! Please do not let him anywhere near you. Don't talk to him. He has disrespected you in the cruelest manner. He has deep problems. Do you want to be with him? Like I told you the other day, I wouldn't consider taking him back without him going to IC and MC. As someone I think said to you, let her meet all his ENs. Believe me they will never be filled.

Do whatever you need to do for you. Plan B his selfish butt off. Do what you need to do to protect you and your boys. He has been pulling your chains for months now. Let him go face the world he has created for himself. OW is a real witch. If that is what he wants let him have her. Get this toxin out of your lives. Your H is toxic to you and to your boys. Don't waste one more second on him. IF he gets his SH&& together, maybe you will still be around. For now let him go.

Sorry if that wasn't very good MB advice, but I am sick of your H's behavior. I can't imagine how you must feel. I won't write anymore mom. Just know I'm with you! CV

M23B,
I can't imagine how angry and hurt you are right now.
I know this is a MB site, and we're all supposed to encourage you to try harder and harder but for crying out loud...how much are you supposed to take ?

He had a situation in front of him...that he could have respected you were on the phone..in front of HER....you've been so patient with his constant calls to her...and he can't speak to you honestly in front of her ?

I find it peculiar that he said in front of her....YOU KNOW WHERE I STAND. I wonder if he told her we was leaving you...and that he wasn't going to give her up ?

It just doesn't make sense that he didn't say much else.

Mom...please...you must do whatever you can to protect yourself right now. I know you will take care of those boys of yours....you're like a tiger when it comes to your children. Now it's for you to be a tiger for you.

No more of this abuse Mom. I wish so much that I could find D23B and tell him how stupid he is...and how he's throwing away the most precious gift he'll ever have in this lifetime.

I'm praying for you

mt3b

I concur..leave the selfish slimey [censored], for good. Not very MB..but maybe it is..Mb is to save the marriages in which there is something to restore..your best case scenario involves her forever. Disgusting, disgracefull..I am physically ill after reading your post. Shaking and tearfull and it isn't even me. To imagine them lying in their litle nest..talking about their soon to be child..all the while abandoning the children he already has....there is no penalty great enough. I truly think that the best thing to do, is to cut your losses and all ties to him. She has no shame.."OOOH, my poor sad booby hurts because I"M PREGNANT..yay for me! and you're here with me..I win i win.."

Ok, you win, take big bites and be sure to swallow...this man feels better going in than coming out. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> Noodle

Sorry, that last post may have been out of line..I spoke in anger and I apologise..I don't know how to edit or I would remove it in favor of more diplomatic advice. sheepishly yours--Noodle

Dad2 3 boys,

Is Mom correct when she said you missed your son's 1st day of kindergarten? The reason is..... ___________________? You ok with your reason?

It is hard to judge but you sure don't look or sound like a good dad to any boys or girls right now.

Man, that OW must really be something. A bit stinky, stupid and a phony from what I heard even from you but maybe that's how you like them, hard, dumb and stupid. Well if so, you certainly don't deserve your W and 3 wonderful and intelligent children. If you ever really and truly wanted them back, you'd better do more than cry on the phone. You'd better make your words into beyond belief actions.

Wonder what that phony OC will turn up like.... her mother? Better warn social services now so they can start saving $$ for all the hard earned tax $$ that goes in to programs for people who can't keep their pants on and become burdens to society. She is a burden right? Hm....

BTW, 'phony OC' is because you and the OW have yet to provide proof to your wife. I already feel sorry for any child that has to endure the care of the OW. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

L.

<small>[ August 14, 2004, 12:01 AM: Message edited by: Orchid ]</small>

You guys are all right! I am going into Plan B today! I am changing my number and getting a new cell phone! I will start paying all the bills and will prove to him I dont need him...

I dont even want to send another Plan B letter, cuz what I write in it will not be very nice...It will not say "when you sever all contact we can reconcile" "I love you and I always will" Sorry, I cannot put that stuff in a letter right now!

Someone suggested I file for divorce! I am honestly thinking about it...at least then he will HAVE to see his kids and he will HAVE to pay me child support!

always in the past when I go into Plan B, I make up a nice visitation schedule...he never complies to it...always saying "that place is not suited for children" "No, I am not taking them" etc, etc...

How do I make him take his kids for a weekend?

Mom - You cannot make him do anything.

The only one you can change is you. So get firmly in Plan B, and get busy doing something for you. Hopefully you can take some classes or do something you like while kids are in school. You deserve to start getting a life without dad.

I still have a lot of hope for your marriage, but dad is going to continue this for awhile. My WH is going on 19 months of this crap. To protect any feelings you have for dad, stay in Plan B. Otherwise, when he finally comes around, you won't want him.

It is time for him to reep what he has sown. That will include providing for you and the children financially and spending time caring for them on his own. If filing for DV is the only way to secure that..then that is what you should do.

You've been put through the ringer with his disgusting lies and games. Shame on him.

The straw has finally broken the camels back.

Where do people get the idea that it isn't very MB to recommend Plan B or divorce? MT3B, you are NOT giving up on your M. You are removing yourself and your three children as excuses for his behavior. Let him realize what a mess he has made of his life.

The lawyer I used said that you can draw up a financial arrangement and then, if it isn't followed, file for D. In that way, you protect yourself financially. I wouldn't even bother with assuming he'll be around for his kids. Look at what lostnhurt's H did -- leaving two young children alone at night! And don't have anything directly to do with him. He has to make the decision, and he has decided to have both of you because you are willing to put up with it. Now that you aren't willing to put up with it, he may decide for her and that should be just fine because you've decided for the best for your children.

Cherished

PS I wish I had decided for the best for my children. Instead, I went through 2 years of trying to convince my H that there is no excuse for an affair. HE needed to figure that out.

Good Morning M23B,
I thought about you all night, and you're the first thing on my mind this morning. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Maybe everyone's been a little too easy on D23B. Maybe we should let him go to the OW and try to have a life with her. Let's see how long it is until she digs her disgusting hooks into somebody else more fitting for her NEEDS. Let's see...how much fun with D23B will she be having while he's paying a nice chunk of money to child support ?

That will really drain her pockets...and he'll resent her for it...you watch and see.

They both have this fantasy in their minds...how much they mean to each other.

Let real life slap them in the face !

You deserve SO much more than this.

Good for you...change the phone number...change the cell number....do NOT give them to him. This will stand up in any court. He would have known the phone numbers were changed if he had BEEN there.... boosting your abandonment theory.

Monday morning...go file for custody of your boys, you don't need a lawyer to file...but get the ball rolling. Get financial support secured as quickly as possible.

I'm thinking he knows he's in really hot water after this last episode.

He's never been this callous about it, or so in your face about it.

Something happened...something made him lose his mind.

Did she go to the convention with him ?

None of that matters....

I hope we're not too harsh for you M23B.

We're just in your corner...fighting the good fight with you....the fight has just changed a little.

Mom, there is no legal separation in Texas. Dad is so totally screwed up that you must do whatever the law allows to protect yourself and the boys financially.

Talk with your lawyer and see if it is possible to get a legal, binding, order in place regarding both finances and child visitation.

While it is true you CAN'T make dad be a father and take the boys for visitation, he has to be made, legally, to have responsibility for them. If he doesn't take them, it could be construed as abandonment (ask your lawyer).

I worry about your mental health (physical, too). You need a break from the boys! With special needs kids you can't go 24/7... they (and you) need two parents to shoulder the burden. Make dad's burden LEGAL if at all possible. If it comes down to divorce (and it may and I do recommend it at this point), and he hasn't kept up with his part of the physical custody of the boys, the judge might throw in extra money so you can pay a respite worker.

You did not sign up to be a single parent. Don't let Dad get away with it.

Stay strong, Sweetie. (((Hugs))))

Hey mom,

UGH!

Like I mentioned in my other thread to you,I think you should file for a D.I really agree with Cherished about letting WH go.For one thing,you are SO emotional even at this point in time and you do have a right.BUT,I have watched you go into several Plan B's only to let WH come home too soon,then you crack,he trips up,back to yelling and anger,OW in the picture again...round and round until we are getting seasick.

This man,your WH,is MESSED UP and I personally do not think it is failing or giving up to let him go and get his life in order to be with you and the kids once and for all or to give it a go with the homewrecking OW and her supposed OC so YOU...YOU can be away from it all!! PLEASE consider it seriously.There is no martyrdom here.Waiting for months and months more doesn't mean you are doing the right thing,the right thing can be deciding you have had enough of the torture and madness he brings to you and your family.

I would suggest that you start looking into your rights,get educated about services out there that can help you if you D,who and what services are available to help regarding the children,etc.

Listen.There have only been maybe three people on this message board,since I have been here,that I see clear enough that staying in the abusive relationship(and it is abusive: emotionally and mentally) is the wrong choice.I do not ever like to advocate a D but it IS an option.There are no other alternative sometimes.You can PLan B AGAIN but we have witnessed this drama before.

Being a single parent is hard,no doubt about it and it's scary and it's not fair.But I would rather be ALONE in my parenting with the support of friends and family then be tied up with my WH eternally in a funhouse of pain,fear,sadness,anger and anguish.AND,he cannot contribute fully to you and the children if he is off and running with the OW at any given moment.Puke.

I am thinking of you and wishing you much strength and insight.Prayers to you mom.

O

Mom, I too was thinking about you when I went to bed, and of course needed to check on you when I woke up. You and I started out here in such a similar place. My H gave his BI*** up. I know how difficult my journey has been even though he ended it. Compared to what you have gone through it has been easy street.

Mom, what betrayed said is so true. I'm talking about the word she used "abuse". Your H has been emotionally abusing. I don't give a sh** if he is in the fog. He is still abusing you. Honey, you need support. I know you have talked about wanting to move and live where your parents are. I don't know if you still feel that way. I think it is time for you to begin thinking about what you would want with Dad out of your life.

I wrote on here right after d-day something I read. It went something like this. "If you have a vampire in your life, and he wants to make one more blood withdrawal, tell him to go to the nearest blood bank." Let him and his vampire SL** have each other. WOOOO, I guess I am still angry. Does it tell you something just reading how we are all fed up for you? We have read your story here. We have seen how many lies he has told, how many promises he has made. We have seen how YOU have poured your heart and soul into saving your M and being there for your boys. Mom, I want to cry for you.

I don't trust your H as far as I could throw him. Stay focused and make sure you get EVERYTHING that should come to you financially. Men like him, that have sunk to such a depraved place, might not stop where he is now, especially if he has emotionally abandoned his boys. I'm not trying to be paranoid here, just realistic. I have seen these Hs hide there money away and really screw their wifes over. I'm sure the BI*** would encourage all of this. PLEASE take this F***** to the bank! Don't let him pull any crap on you. Figure out what you want and need, and go for it.

I just read a little book last week that might help you. It's called "Who Moved My Cheese?" The cheese symbolizes something in our life that is gone, lost, misplaced, etc. Say in your case, in all of our cases, the cheese is our Ms. Our WSs moved our Ms, and this shook our reality to the core. Do we just wait for those Ms to return miraculously? Or do we go out to look for new cheese, as the major character in this little book
finally did. That could mean staying in our Ms and trying to renew them, or leaving for a new life without our Ss.

I'll leave you with this. The little character in the book, Hem, took off into this maze to look for new cheese. Whenever he would get scared, and want to go back to what was familiar, he would ask himself this question, "What would I do if I wasn't afraid?" Mom, what would you do? What do you need now?

Mom, you know we are obviously all here for you. Sending love to you, a very couragious woman! CV

In FL we don't have legal sep. either. When we were separated my lawyer told me how to figure child support etc. Since I did his payroll I deducted the necessary amount from his check each week. We set up visitation at his apt. My H was agreeable to it.

If yours isn't agreeable then you may have to do whatever you need to protect yourself and your kids. If that is filing for D, then so be it. Like others have said...you can always remarry if he ever sees the light.

I would probably want to put the house on the market and move to San Antonio if I were you. You'd be closer to family and away from the drama.

The biggest draw back to that would be not being able to force him to take his part in the custody...it would make exchanging the kids so much more difficult. So, maybe that wouldn't work right now.

He should get a good dose of the reality...consequences of his decisions which should include time caring for the boys.. alone....hopefully without the OW.

I have no sympathy for D23B.