SadMarylandLady...my heart goes out to you and your family. Please just take care of yourself and that little blessing that you are carrying.

I am a BS and boy I didn't see it coming...the feelings and emotions that I experienced were second to none. However at the moment, they are not clear to you...those things which we do not know, we are afraid of. Your H is completely enveloped in the fog. My H, oh my god, he transformed before our (my children as well) very eyes. Faithful husband, doting father, soccer coach, all around family man....became the Single Guy...not wanting our marriage, me, the children, and all that we built during our 16 years together. I was devastated, so much so that I couldn't function. However, we the help of some of the more senior MB'ers I managed to get through and am doing great. Guess what, H never returned either. The one good thing about MB is that no matter which way, you are a success story. Your H will recognize his very big mistake and trust me, the pain he will experience will be tenfold of what you are. Please, I implore, rise above being the victim. Show him what women are made of...the truest of fighters and champions...don't let him get you down.

It has taken nearly two years for me to get to this point. And it was a rough two years, but you do heal from such insanity, and your spouse...well, they are forever scarred. Ignore him, there is nothing that can be gained by crying to him to change his mind...it doesn't work. My H ignored his children for nearly one year. As he emerges from the fog every now and again, guess who suffers...yep, he does, for his children were never in that fog....

Take care of you and your blessings....and let him be. Plan A him....and if need be, Plan B (now mind you, Starfish, Takola, Le and others will attest to my being the posterchild for the Worst Plan B's ever), but for the sake of everything...it is you who is most important...not two people who are just "out there"

Good Luck
kim

Kim,
Thank you for your post. I guess I needed a little encouragement. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> My 3 year old son is back home with me. He has been spending the night at my mom's house since thursday. I missed him a lot. Since coming home he has made me feel a lot better. He is full of kisses and hugs. And if he sees me cry he brings a tissue and says don't cry mommy. Makes my heart melt. Also my stepson is away at my husbands parents house for two weeks. It's nice to get a break once and awhile but I also miss him being around. I have realized I do love him more than I knew and enjoy having him in my life.

I am going back to my plan. I am so angry at myself for allowing him to get me back to this state of mind. The whole week I was so strong. I never LB once. I was meeting a few of his top emotional needs and I was really at peace. But when he left for the weekend it made my whole world crumble again. I don't know if he met her or not. He keeps saying that is not important. I have this feeling he didn't that he did hang out with his friends and was testing me to see if I would remain strong like I was all week. But I failed big time.

Now I need to get to plan A. Tomorrow I start work for his sister at her husbands dental practice. I will be in charge of all the billing and insurance. I am so excited. I worked there this weekend and I loved it. It got me out and I was so busy it helped relieve my mind. I don't feel stressed right now. I feel at peace. I have been praying and so has my family that he will realize things and I know that God answers pray. But even if things don't go like I want and my husband does leave I know I will make it.

SadMarylandLady...while it is virtually impossible to do now, there will come a day when you look back and realize how far along you did come and how strong you are. I re-read your post and it amazes me how much WS resemble each other. They are amazing in their selfishness and their ability to lie with such straight faces. I cried, I ranted, I raved, and I did some really stupid things. I don't recall whether I did them out of revenge or out of being plain "hurt", but whatever reason, they meant nothing. They are in the frame of mind, "they can conquer anything and everything"...ooooh, how this changes. I recall my WS scowling and shrinking from my touch...this hurt me sooo bad. I would cry over it for days. Funny enough...today when he dropped off son, he hugged our daughter, kissed her and told her he loved her, the same goodbye for my son, and he grabbed me from behind, hugged and planted several kisses on my cheek.....the very same man whose life I ruined, who made him live a hellish existence, etc., etc.

Like I said, he's not home, probably won't ever come home, but, he now sees what he's lost....he's lost a wife who was his best friend all along (but he chose to forget that), his two children, his family, but most of all, his life.

Keep your faith and remember that no matter what...you are worth so much more than what he is putting you through. Recognize your worth and that to your children, you will be their hero....

Kim

I started working with my SIL today. I really enjoy being out of the house. Got my mind off things and I wasn't sitting at home focusing on my problems.

I really don't know where things are going to go. He basically said that his mind is made up that he does not want to be married anymore. I guess because you think it that makes it ok to spend the weekend with another woman. He will not tell me if he was with her or wasn't but I am leaning towards that he was. It hurts but I am going to be strong. I really believe marriage is about sacrifice. That you may not always but happy but the bad times won't last either. I think especially when there are kids involved you need to think more of them than yourself. I told my husband that when I got married my mindset changed to put us, them and they first not ME ME ME. But he is in this stage that he feels he wants to make himself happy and it doesn't matter about anyone else. And that makes me so sad. Because I know one day he will regret all of this and if he leaves he will regret that also and then it may be to late to change anything.

He feels that he cannot meet his personal goals in our marriage. I just wish that he would realize meeting a goal has to do with yourself not anyone else or a situation. He really is just making lots of excuses but it all comes down to the fact that he enjoys being with this girl and she makes him feel good when they are together and they have things in common. But he is so blind to realize this. He says it's not about her but who is he trying to fool? Me or himself?

He's the fool. Not you. Your priorities are right on target.

Stand by your values and start working on your boundaries.

Secure your finances, esp if he is working on me-me-me.... your finances c/b the next thing hit. That Me-ism stuff gets real expensive.

BTW, he is already spending stuff on the OW. That's what the A does.... so make sure he isn't spending what belongs to the family.

I am sooo sorry for what you are going through. Makes me want to fly out there and pound some sense into his noggin'. There are a few strong MBers out your way... maybe... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> naawwwhh can't ask them to do my dirty work, ya know. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Hugz,
L.

Orchid,
You always seem to bring a smile to my face. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Maybe we all can gang up on him and knock some sense into him. Right now my plan is to focus on my kids and me. And also try to meet some my husbands top emotional needs. All I can do is keep trying. If he still wants to go and actually follows through then I will survive but I know it will break my heart and my kids also.

I just can't make myself understand how someone can go from such a devoted husband and father to a selfish man who only cares about himself. I just don't understand how you can just hurt others and say well I need to make myself happy. And kind of blame me along the way for him not meeting his own personal goals. When he has lived his life never completing things. Like high school, college, his books, and lots more. Who was to blame when I wasn't in his life? I cannot make him want to write and draw. Yes I can encourage him and try to give ideas but ultimately it's up to him to find the motivation in himself. It's like me wanting to leave the marriage because I cannot reach my personal goal of losing weight. Blaming him for that is kind of silly. Only I can meet my personal goals but he doesn't seem to realize that but I think it's more about finding reasons to justify what he is doing and why he wants to go. I really really hope he wakes up soon. Our baby is due in Nov. I really don't want to raise her in a broken home. I know he will miss so much and will regret it one day. But if I have to I will and I remind myself that I won't be missing out, regretting anything, and I am not the one breaking my childrens hearts and has to live with it. I will have my sweet little boy with me and my girl and I will always have their love. But when everything comes clear to him he will realize how much he has lost and missed out on.

When a WS is in the fog do they even love or care about you? He says he cares about me but would you lie,cheat, and hurt someone you care about? I don't think he can even stand to be around me anymore. He doesn't answer my calls or emails and he seems to come home later and later all the time.

SML - I'm so sorry to hear that things are not going so well for you. You need to start focusing on you and that baby and forget about WH and M issues for now. No sane husband or father would bring up the idea of divorce while his wife was pregnant with his child. His actions of late just show how clueless he is right now.

If being around him is stressing you out maybe going to stay with your Mom for a while would be a good idea. You need to be strong and healthy for that baby. You are all she has and she is counting on you.

In the end he is going to be the loser. Can you imagine not being there for every moment of your little girls first few weeks? You've been through this before so I'm sure you know first hand the love and joy this baby is going to bring you. When the fog lifts, and it will, he is the one who is going to regret his decisions in life. You just stay strong and try to be the best person you can be and you will have no regrets.

It is so easy to want to be bitter and mean and wallow in self pity. But that won't get you anywhere. Focus on who you want to be in life and what you need to get there, that is what has helped me.

If WH comes around, great. But if he doesn't I know I have done everything I could. I have learned and grown from this experience, and I will be a better, stronger person. I will not have to look back on my decisions in life with regret. I will be able to look my child in the face when he/she asks me why Mommy and Daddy aren't together. What will your WH tell his teenage son and daughter years from now? Because I still love my WH it pains me to know that he will look back at this time with regret one day, but that was his choice and he will have to live with it.

My husband came home tonight and almost one of the first things out of his mouth was. Hey I was reading about Maryland divorce on the internet and it says that you don't have to involve lawyers that you can get papers and fill out yourself. In Maryland you do have to be living seperate for a year or more to be granted the divorce from what I read. I told him that is a uncontested divorce and it's not that easy if kids are involved.

I told him I may contest it since I do not want a divorce. He got all irrated and said... Why do you got to be like that.... Hmmmmmmmmmmm why does he got to be like that???? Like he is doing nothing wrong to me... I was determined not to talk about our relationship or divorce and be strong but what do you say when he asks these things? Also I went downstairs just a few minutes ago and he hurried up and hid his cellphone. I think he was texting her or trying to call her while I am upstairs trying to put our 3 year old to sleep.

I feel so exhausted emotionally. He looks so sad and depressed. I guess he didn't want to say goodbye to his homewrecker yesterday and now he wants to take it out on me. I really hope he wakes up soon because I think I am running out of hope.

I found the same info on MD divorce laws. It would take 2 years if you contested. That's nice to know. However, on the other hand, if you ever get sick of his sh*t, you can get a divorce immediately based on adultry. I'm glad MD law seems to be on our side.

SML - Just checking in on you. How are things going? How is the job? Nothing new on my end. I am looking forward to my sonogram on Friday. I don't even really care about finding out the sex, I just like to be able to hear my babies heartbeat and see him/her move around. It's hard to feel depressed after that!

Hey Kloe,
Things are good ok for me. I love my job. I really get into it. I am sort of the office manager and in charge of billing and I love working with the customers.

As for the baby I am a little scared cuz when I got home I had a message to call about some test results. Last week I took the glucose test. Hopefully it came out negative. Lately I have been eating a good bit a of chocolate. Bad me.. I have to stop that.

As for my husband and me that is another story. I really don't think he wants me anymore. He just doesn't seem to care at all about me. I found out in fact he did go meet that girl this weekend. That hurts so much.. I keep playing things over and over in my head. What I think that did and stuff. It's like I can't get their images out no matter how hard I try.

Well I will update more later.. Take care of yourself.. I am excited for you about the sonogram... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />