Dear Toosoon and Suzet,

I came home from work last night and checked my W's cellphones. I discovered that on the secret one she sent about 47 messages just in one day. I was devastated. I then checked her "normal" phone and while I was checking a message came thru form OM saying among other things ..."I'll see you tomorrow. Love you lots." Something in me just snapped and I went upstairs and confronted my wife. I told her I thought that the arrangement we came to was that I do not discuss our problems with you and that you will stop contact with the OM, so what's all these text mesages? She just said no I'm not seeing him tomorrow, I'm not going anywhere tomorrow. With that I then went on almost an hour long rant. Telling her that she knows that deep inside whe is aware that what she is doing is wrong. It is wrong and hurtful for everybody. Wrong for me, wrong for our daughter, wrong for our son, wrong for the OM's wife and wrong for both of them. I told her that surely there must be some little voice telling you that this A is WRONG. I then asked her if she is willng to hurt and devastate our son's and daughter's lives by pursuing something that is WRONG? I got a few mumbled replies in the middle of all this. She said she doesn't want to ruin our children's lives so I said why the hell do you insist in continuing this A? I was trying my best to control my anger and frustration but I think it came through and I am deeply sorry. There were a lot of LB's there but last night I just couldn't stop myself. Have I blown it?
This morning my wife is sulking. Wouldn't even look at me. I went down to join her for a cup of tea and told her that I think that maybe it is a good idea if she spends time on her own. Toosoon I know you are against this because she will just use this time to be with OM. But Toosoon she IS anyway. I'm sure that even though she denied she was seeing him today, she was or may still see him today. I'm just finding it very difficult to cope having her in the house knowing that she is reneging on an agreement and still carrying on with the OM. I just wish I don't love her anymore then all this would be over. But I still do love her a lot.
Last night when I said goodnight to our kids I had a long talk with our daughter (she's 18) about the situation. She doesn't know that her Mum is having an affair, all she knows is that we're having problems. She said that if her Mum does decide to go she really can't do anything about it, but she admitted to me that she would rather that W stayed. I then asked her to let her Mum know this because I believe that the only thing that is keeping my wife from leaving and setting up house with the OM are the children. If anything I'm closer to my daughter now than ever before, but the tragic thing is she is leaving for University in about a month's time.
Before I forget I asked the OM of we could have a quiet talk somewhere on Saturday. He said he will think about it. Sure enough he told W about my suggestion, and W confirmed to me that he did, but she told him she doesn't see the point in talking and OM agrees with her. So Toosoon I think a letter might be a good idea. But right now I also doubt the wisdom of doing anything with the OM.
This morning I'm going to see the MC. I'll keep you posted.
Toosoon, Suzet I am emotionally and physically shot to bits. I'm still taking A/D's but they take about a fortnight to take effect, in the meantime I really don't know how to cope on an hourly basis. I'll ask the MC if she has any suggestions. Do you guys think that I should just lay down and not care???!! This is just my tired and wrecked soul talking. I just want to rest and forget everything. I wish I had a switch in my heart that I could turn off right now and just shut down.

Dan:
Your world has turned upside down right nown, like it did in Suzet's life and in my life. You have not even began recovery yet. The affair needs to be disrupted. You must consider exposure immediately. Contact her parents, brothers, sisters, co-workers, supervisors, big boss, minister, or anyone who may have some influence. It is not about being vindictive, it is about having enough peer pressure put on her by so many people that it becomes uncomfortable. You need to call his wife and tell her what is going on. She will begin pressuring her husband, the other man, and now there secret affair is not so secret, but full of pain inflicted problems. coming at them from all sides. It only takes one of them to break and they may cut the other one off. I would call the wife of the OM immediately and tell her you want her to help break the affair for the benefit of both of the families. You must look at yor wife like an addicted drug addict and he is the drug. She can't see him without wanting him and that is why NC is so important.
Exposure is so IMPORTANT but you must understand it is not to embarrass her or humiliate her to get even, it is to dirupt the affair. Make it so difficult for them to be sneaky that the affair becomes "not worth it". The OM's wife has got to be called. She will impact the OM more than you. Tell her about the emessages and what you know about the relationship. She may even help put the pieces together. Knowledge is power. You having nothing to lose but to go for it or you stand to lose your marriage. Don't be so ready to throw her out before you expose her. You may see some progress as the exposure begins. OM may get o a point where he is sick of the BS and watns it to end. Try and sleep so you are stronger enabling you to better deal with the problems an your emotions. You are very early in the process so you must not think it is either now or never. Patience has got to be your best friend. Remember, the OM is perfect to your wife. He doesn't blow up when they are together. You are right now and you are being compared with him by your wife. You are somewhat in competition with him today. Try hard to control your temper but be firm in your approach. Keep us posted. TooSoon. PS. In a hotel room right now using a cheap key board and a tv internet connection. Lots of problems with this system causing lots of errors and typos.

Dear Desperatedan,

This is the first time I have time to log in and post today – it was a bit hectic at work!

Desperatedan, I’m so sorry to hear about the recent developments and continuous contact between your W and OM… TooSoon gave you very good advice and I agree with everything he said. Please listen to him. He was in a very similar situation than you and have struggled through the same things and problems than you, so there IS hope for your situation too! I know things are extremely difficult for you at the moment, but hold on to God and hope, faith and love… </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>I was trying my best to control my anger and frustration but I think it came through and I am deeply sorry. There were a lot of LB's there but last night I just couldn't stop myself. Have I blown it?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Desperatedan, don’t worry too much about the LB’ing last night and don’t torture yourself about it... Yes, one of the MB principles is to avoid LB’ing, but you are only a normal human being with feelings and your reaction under the circumstances was totally understandable. You needed to get those things of your chest and probably it was a huge wake up call for your W…something which was needed… So can you see that in some ways it was a good thing that this happened? Leave that incident behind you, don’t dwell on it any longer, look forward and take things day by day… </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong> Toosoon, Suzet I am emotionally and physically shot to bits. I'm still taking A/D's but they take about a fortnight to take effect, in the meantime I really don't know how to cope on an hourly basis. I'll ask the MC if she has any suggestions. Do you guys think that I should just lay down and not care???!! This is just my tired and wrecked soul talking. I just want to rest and forget everything. I wish I had a switch in my heart that I could turn off right now and just shut down.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Desperateman, this is a physically & emotionally exhausted man talking here… You should care, but also be good to yourself. Keep taking the A/D’s, take enough rest and eat healthy. Try anything you can to at least restore you physical energy. If you have trouble sleeping at night, ask your doctor to subscribe you sleeping pills for some time…Try some daily exercise an take extra vitamins... Find time to read spiritual & religious stuff when you fell negative and depressed. Talk and pray to God daily. Read this entire thread again and see if you can find something specific to uplift and encourage you. Know that God loves you and cares about you… He can take any situation and turn it around for the better… <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I will check in again tomorrow. I think of you and I will keep you in my prayers. Keep us updated.

Blessings and love in Christ,
Suzet

Hey Dan,

Just wanted to let you know that I put you on my prayer list & reiterate what Suzet said to you. God is your best friend right now & you need to rely on Him more than ever. He is the one who is going to comfort you when you need it the most. I recommend breaking out that Bible & reading Psalms for encouragement and Proverbs every day. These were my lifelines during my H's A.

Also, I haven't seen you at the Prayer Request forum yet. It might be a good idea to join the prayer warriors over on that thread too. You will receive a lot of support from them as well. Everyone who can be in your corner & support you in your stand for your M is better. Since you also seem to be very spiritual, I would recommend a site for Christians facing a D or A or seperation - Rejoice Ministries . They helped me a GREAT deal. You can find a prayer partner & speak to other men going through the same thing to receive encouragement.

There isn't much else I can add. TooSoon & Suzet seem to be covering you pretty well. Listen to them, they know what they're talking about! You are very lucky in that you are getting advice from someone who went through what you are facing, and someone who went through what your W is facing. You got it from both sides so this helps in understanding your W's actions & maybe keep giving you hope that all is not lost yet.

Take care of yourself. In Christ's Love,
Yvette

Hi guys,

This will just be a short post. I am totally exhausted. Went to bed at about half past midnight last night and woke up at around half past five this morning. I had a long session with the MC and I challenged her decision to allow W to go away for a month. (This is our first talk since) The MC said she had to do something anything to get my wife to acknowledge that what she was doing was not right and very disrespectful. She said she wanted to have W commit to what you guys call NC then and there, but MC said that W started to shut everything out (like she usually does when we talk) and just sat there motionless and staring into space. When W finally said I want some space to think things over, I presume the MC grabbed at it in order to reengage W. I understand what she meant when she said that W started to shut everything off. W does this to me a lot of times and there's nothing one can do to break through. Anyway other than that we covered a lot of ground and she advised me (the same advice I got from Suzet) to take care of myself first and foremost. She said that she will take care of me then the marriage. I feel like I'm in good hands here.
Regarding W's proposal to go away for a month, I don't think she really is all that interested. I've suggested several alternative housing arrangements but she doesn't have the stomach for it. I felt so let down when I discovered yesterday's text messages that I thought it best if I leave instead. So I rang an old friend and the first thing she said was , "you are welcoem anytime and for however long you want to stay." when I said I'll pay for everything she said, "don't worry about that, we'll sort you out first..." and this lady doesn't even know what the problem is. I felt quite touched. I rang W and told her that if she doesn't move out for a month I will. She didn't raise any obejections. However after giving the matter a lot of thought I could see more problems ahead with this arrangement. First of all this lady and I used to flirt. And I though no, I am very vulnerable right now and I'm sure that if she shows the slightest sign of caring and nurturing I would be in danger. I do not need this right now. So I have decided to abandon the idea. I was tempted, but no. Two wrongs do not make a right.
I came home tonight and told W and she said that was okay with her. I said umless you want me too, and she said no, that is fine. W was in a very fine mood tonight and that always rings warning bells, that the A is still on,or she and OM are planning somthing. But I can't deal with that right now. I'll just go to sleep and see what tomoorrow brings.
I'll reply to your (Toososn, sorry to hear you are in a cheap hotel room, Suzet and Standing Together) posts in the morning. In the meantime, goodnight and God Bless you all good people..

DesDan:

Expensive room, cheap land line connection and wireless faulty keyboard.

It is good you decided to stay in the home.

Good advice from Suzet and Standing together. You have a group of experienced people talking to you to help you so remain strong and committed.

TooSoon

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I felt so let down when I discovered yesterday's text messages that I thought it best if I leave instead. So I rang an old friend and the first thing she said was , "you are welcome anytime and for however long you want to stay." when I said I'll pay for everything she said, "don't worry about that, we'll sort you out first..." and this lady doesn't even know what the problem is. I felt quite touched. I rang W and told her that if she doesn't move out for a month I will. She didn't raise any objections. <strong>However after giving the matter a lot of thought I could see more problems ahead with this arrangement. First of all this lady and I used to flirt. And I though no, I am very vulnerable right now and I'm sure that if she shows the slightest sign of caring and nurturing I would be in danger. I do not need this right now. So I have decided to abandon the idea. I was tempted, but no. Two wrongs do not make a right.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Desperatedan, this is so true and I’m SO glad you’ve decide against this… You’re doing well and you’re on the right path my friend! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> It’s very good that you're so aware of your vulnerabilities right now and that you’re aware that this could lead to a possibly dangerous situation if you would decide in favour of this... As I’ve said in the beginning on this thread, close opposite sex friendships where the friendship is exclusive and the spouse is not part of the friendship, can so easily lead to a possibly dangerous or inappropriate situation and for this reason and to protect the M, (and especially after my own expereince) I believe it's best to avoid such friendships.

Desperatedan, today I’m afternoon off at work and I will leave in 2 hours time. In my country it’s already 10:45 am while everybody in the U.K. is still asleep! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> I will not be able to read or post on this forum during the weekend, so if I don’t see an update from you today before I must leave from work, I will check in and post again on Monday. From your post and your W's reaction, things sound more positive. I know this feels like babysteps, but remember, every step (no matter how small) is a step in the right direction... This is like a roller coaster: Sometimes there might be one step forward and two or three steps backwards, but eventually there will be progress and things will get better...

Please take care of yourself this weekend and I really hope things will move in a more positive direction for you and your W this weekend.

Blessings,
Suzet

<small>[ August 27, 2004, 04:06 AM: Message edited by: Suzet* ]</small>

Hi Guys -
Logging pn to the M websire has become almost a ritual for me everytime I get home from work.

Toosoon, Suzet and Standing together I believe that one of the reasons I am still in one piece today is because of all the support and very practical advice I have been getting from people like you who offer their time and expertise freely to somebody they really do not know. I am truly awed by your committment and dedication to helping others.
I read with great interest Toosoon's post detailing his own experience with his FWW. I am taking great encouragement from your experience, although right now I still am not sure whether my W will ever be an FWW. I am going to find out where OM lives so I can get in touch with his W so I can expose the affair. I'm sorry Toosoon but I'm still a bit hesitant to expose them at the workplace, I still want to protect W from the backlash that she would get if their A is exposed. As far as exposing her to her mother I think that will only harden W's resolve to carry on with the A as she really doesn't get on with her mother. I'll keep the pressure on by asking her friend from Canada to call her regularly as she has got a lot of influence on W.

Standing together I will visit the Prayer forum and seek help from the "prayer warriors". Thanks for the kind words of encouragement.

Suzet it wasn't such a hard decision to make. I argued with my W against her leaving home, so if I do I would be going against my own arguments. Although I was tempted to go, because I was getting too depressed coming home and discovering all the messages W had sent. I just wanted out. In fact today she sent a total of 30 messages on her cellphone. But because of Toosoon's advice I am keeping calm and patient. I will ride this storm. I don't know what the weekend will bring. We have a 3 day weekend coming up and it can only go two ways, positively or negatively. I must roll with the punches and keep calm. Just keep formulating my strategies. As Toosoon said this is war and I must win it. I hope you guys enjoy yourweekend. I don't think I will mine but who knows?
Thanks again guys.

Dan -

I hope you will enjoy your weekend. It is a long battle, so you might as well do what you can to make your life better.

I sat around crying too long, and now I regret it. The best thing is to continue living your life, hoping she will join you.

DesDan:

You are and will go through as many of the emotional swings as we all did. None of us did it perfectly right but we all got through it. I believe the OM is not as committed as your wife and pressure from his wife might help shift the momentum a bit. You don't have to meet her face to face but a call will do the same trick. Exposure will bring pressure and pressure will cause strife in the affair. Knowing this, I suspect the OM will eventually call everything off to save his own marriage.

"I'm sorry Toosoon but I'm still a bit hesitant to expose them at the workplace, I still want to protect W from the backlash that she would get if their A is exposed".

I never did expose my wife to her c-workers but I sure threatened her many times to do so. You must expose her to some though or your threats will go unheard. Remember, by allowing the secrecy of the affair to continue, you become a bit of an enabler for the affair. You will act in time as you see the need to do so. Affairs run their course but can be shortened with the right amount of pressure from many sides.

Remember, your calmness, patience, and strength is needed by you since your wife doesn't have that today. She is weak and vulnerable in so many ways.

Yes it is a war of right vs wrong, good vs evil, and/or marriage and unity vs division. I don't believe God wants marriages to break up and he is not behind this ordeal. At this time, look for mini-victories along the way, little words from her to hold on to, or anything to give you a glimmer of hope.

In time, you will be the one that is encouraging others from your trying experience and you will do it graciously. We were all helped by strangers too.

Don't feel obligated to respond to every post. Post when you need to vent or ask questions. Good luck and I pray that God will give you the strength to cope and the right words for your wife when she is willing to listen.

TooSoon

Hi Guys,

I don't have very much to report, except that W abd OM haven't exchanged cell phone messages since I confronted her last Wednesday. Is this a good sign? Maybe or they could be plotting to communicate some other way. She has moved the "secret" cell phone from the a coat pocket in the downstairs cloakroom to a jacket in our bedroom closet. She really thinks I am that dumb. So I can still monitor that phone, unless I am really that dumb and this is a decoy and there is another active phone somewhere! Well I have reached the stage where I could say that if she really wants to talk to him she will regardless of whehther I know or not.
I have tried to reengage my wife to the future, our future, by involving her in a small project we have always planned to do but never got around to doing. We plan to have our very small back garden,(guys we're talking England here so it is very small) covered with paving slabs or bricks and I asked her what she thinks. She said that was fine and that she didn't want anything too fancy. This job couldn't be done for another couple of months so am I right in presuming that she is staying after this month of soul searching? Or is this another straw so desperately clutched?
By the way I did approach the OM and asked him if we could talk somewhere. All I wanted to tell him was to respect the agreement we (W, MC, and I) made about letting W have her space while she contemplates her future. The SOB said to me he will think about it, and then added that he hoped we wouldn't fall out over this! Fall out over this? He is stealing my wife from me and he doesn't want us to fall out over this? What does he think this is some sport where the winners shake the losers' hands and say better luck next time! What an A_ _ _ _ _ _ E! And then he didn't even have the decency to comeback to me and tell me of his decision, he just didn't answer. But then what did I expect, hey? Toosoon you are so right. He is not and will never be my friend.
Our 18 year old daughter has spoken to W and said that she sees no advantages if W leaves. Howvever our daughter doesn't really know all the facts. All she knows is that her Mum and I are having difficulties. I just hope that this will sway W's decision.
Well at least as far as I know they haven't been exchanging messages. That can only be a positive. Suzet is this a sign? W is however in a very good mood hardly an indication of withdrawal. But then again she has always been very good at hiding her emotions. Oh God I just don't know anymore.
I went to hear Mass this morning and I almost cried when one of the hymns was about Jesus being there in our darkest as well as brightest moments. My prayers are now prayers of surrender, I give all these to God, I can't handle them anymore. I'm sure that with His help and your kind support our kids, W and myself will come through this in one piece, and the OM too.

Thanks a lot and God Bless You All

Dan:

Quote: “I don't have very much to report, except that W and OM haven't exchanged cell phone messages since I confronted her last Wednesday. Is this a good sign? Maybe or they could be plotting to communicate some other way. She has moved the "secret" cell phone from the a coat pocket in the downstairs cloakroom to a jacket in our bedroom closet. She really thinks I am that dumb. So I can still monitor that phone, unless I am really that dumb and this is a decoy and there is another active phone somewhere! Well I have reached the stage where I could say that if she really wants to talk to him she will regardless of whether I know or not”.


Comment: I am glad you are still surviving this terrible ordeal and you must take life one hour at a time and one day at a time for now. The fact that your wife and the OM are still communicating and hiding the affair after you discovered the affair tells me they are not moved nor devastated by your knowledge of the affair. Based on what you are saying, it appears they still want to be sneaky to protect it from ending. The most known and perceived loyal, loving, and Christian of Spouses will look at you in the eye and lie to you to protect their new-found love and feelings they get from the other person. It sounds to me they have fallen for each other enough that they don’t want it to end or they do dot intend it to end at this time.

Q: “I have tried to reengage my wife to the future, our future, by involving her in a small project we have always planned to do but never got around to doing. We plan to have our very small back garden,(guys we're talking England here so it is very small) covered with paving slabs or bricks and I asked her what she thinks. She said that was fine and that she didn't want anything too fancy. This job couldn't be done for another couple of months so am I right in presuming that she is staying after this month of soul searching? Or is this another straw so desperately clutched?”

C: I think that is good for you to work on. Make her living quarters nicer for her to enjoy as if she is going to stay. She may not appreciate it right away but keeping busy will help you deal with this mess. She will likely not appreciate anything until she gets out of her fog state. BTW, I painted our LR, DR, Kit, and Hall and bought new appliances. None of these helped until I implemented the MB plan properly.

Q: “By the way I did approach the OM and asked him if we could talk somewhere. All I wanted to tell him was to respect the agreement we (W, MC, and I) made about letting W have her space while she contemplates her future. The SOB said to me he will think about it, and then added that he hoped we wouldn't fall out over this! Fall out over this? He is stealing my wife from me and he doesn't want us to fall out over this? What does he think this is some sport where the winners shake the losers' hands and say better luck next time! What an A_ _ _ _ _ _ E! And then he didn't even have the decency to comeback to me and tell me of his decision, he just didn't answer. But then what did I expect, hey? Toosoon you are so right. He is not and will never be my friend.”

C: Treat him as your life long enemy forever. He broke into your home and is attempting to steal away your wife and your family, as you know it. He doesn’t care about you or your children or the future of your marriage or your kid’s future.

Q: “Our 18 year old daughter has spoken to W and said that she sees no advantages if W leaves. However our daughter doesn't really know all the facts. All she knows is that her Mum and I are having difficulties. I just hope that this will sway W's decision.”

C: Personally, I think the kids need to know about their mother and her BF. It is part of disrupting the affair. You need to QUIT protecting your wife Dan, because if you are not careful, you may lose her forever. I am sorry to be so blunt and I do not want to hurt you either.

Q: “Well at least as far as I know they haven't been exchanging messages. That can only be a positive. Suzet is this a sign? W is however in a very good mood hardly an indication of withdrawal. But then again she has always been very good at hiding her emotions. Oh God I just don't know anymore.”

C: She seems to me to be up to her eyeballs in Fog and that means she is hiding her communication with the OM.

Q: “I went to hear Mass this morning and I almost cried when one of the hymns was about Jesus being there in our darkest as well as brightest moments. My prayers are now prayers of surrender, I give all these to God, I can't handle them anymore. I'm sure that with His help and your kind support our kids, W and myself will come through this in one piece, and the OM too.”

C: I am Catholic too and I know that family values matter to you. Your wife didn’t do this on purpose but you must understand that she may feel the same for this man today as she did when she met and fell for you. I am concerned that you are not doing Plan, A which includes exposure. You fear your wife will leave you if you hurt her by exposing her, but Exposure will bring pressure from many sides to each one of the participants, and this is what causes disruption to the affair. Until the affair is disrupted, the fog will not lift from your wife. Until the fog lifts, she will remain connected to the OM. Until the connection is broke from the OM, she will not reconnect to you. Until she reconnects with you, you will not feel the love from her and the safety and protection of your marriage will not come back.

Please read Dr. Harley’s view on Exposure. If you go to Yahoo and type in the words, “ Exposing Infidelity” you will find many authors who tell you how crucial exposure is to the break up of an Affair. Exposure was the tool I used and the results of the exposure broke the affair and brought my wife’s heart back to me. Please read up on it and consider it at your earliest possible time. Good luck and God Bless your marriage.

TooSoon

Sorry - double post.

<small>[ August 30, 2004, 04:05 AM: Message edited by: Suzet* ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>Well at least as far as I know they haven't been exchanging messages. That can only be a positive. Suzet is this a sign? W is however in a very good mood hardly an indication of withdrawal. But then again she has always been very good at hiding her emotions.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Desparatedan, I hate saying this to you and I don’t want to upset you, but I have a suspicion your W is still in contact with the OM and hiding contact from you... If there’s really not ANY contact between her & OM, she will start to have intense withdrawal symptoms (which includes depression, anxiety etc) and her being in a very good mood is very contradictory and strange to me… You said she has always been very good at hiding her emotions and this is possible, but still, I will be very, very careful and doubtful if I were you… If she is really in NC with OM, this is a good sign, but I really don’t think that is the case… However, I hope I'm wrong.

I agree with Too Soon: By OM’s actions it is clear that he doesn’t care an inch and you need to treat him as a life-long enemy. You need to do anything you can to protect your M, W and kids against him (the enemy)…even if it includes stop protecting your W and expose the A to everyone (including the kids). By protecting your W you’re also protecting OM and this is not good.

Desperatedan, I understand this is a very difficult time for you. Please keep taking care of yourself first. May God bless you and give you continuous strength and comfort during this time...

In Christ Love,
Suzet

Hi Guys,

First of all I survived the long weekend. However I want to correct something I said they haven't exchanged messages since Wednesday. I was wrong, I think I am just too pleased that there have been no messages for a few days I thought it had been that long. The last messages were sent last Friday. And none since. Suzet I know the dangers of complacency regarding these contacts but I have a gut feeling that at least for the past 3 days there hasn't been any. This afternoon W walked the dog for an hour and she took her cellphone with her. In the past I could have bet you that she would have the used the opportunity to send him messages. I checked her phone and she hadn't sent any messages. Her bouyant mood is puzzling though. Well I hope the years we've spent together have sharpened my knowledge of her capacity to hide her emotions very well. Well it's still a move forward.

Toosoon I now I am going against your advice here (like I did when I approached OM and boy did I regret it) but I am not prepared to expose the A to anybody at work yet nor am I comfortable with exposing it to our kids. I am however preparing to expose it to the OM's wife. I am doing this not to hurt her but to enlist her help in breaking the A.

Yesterday we (W, our daughter, our son and myself) all drove to a shopping centre and shopped for stuff for my daughter's flat at University. It was nice to spend the day together as family doing what families do. Today I cooked dinner and played happy families again. When I look at W and the kids I just can't imagine life without her. I know I'm feeling a bit upbeat about the lack of messages between them, but I know that this is not over by a long shot. Her month off work means that she will not be seeing OM at the workplace which is quite a relief. When she was working every minute of that time I was agonising over the thought that they are together. At least at the moment I don't have that worry.
Tomorrow the "patio man" is coming to give us design choices and quotes on the work we plan to have done in our back garden. I hope it all goes well and my wife gets involved.
Tomorrow also I am going back to work after a 3 day weekend. I am surviving and so is my M at least for now. Suzet I am taking care of myself. It is funny in a way but I always check if she had sent messages BEFORE I have dinner because I know that if I find out that she had my appetite for anything let alone food dies. Tonight I increase my A/D dosage as recommended by my doctor. I will then be taking the full dose, the past week was half the dose to ease me into the treatment, by this time tomorrow I should be flying! Seriously I am taking each day as it comes. Once again thanks again for all your support. I know I do not always follow your advice but I do listen and read again and again your posts to seek enlightenment and solace.

God Bless you all.

Dan:

None of us have been to a school that teaches us how to deal with infidelity. There are so many emotions and so much at stake in each individual case. Only you know what your comfort level will allow you to do in your situation. It is very good you are telling the OM's wife about the affair. That exposure alone might even be enough to disrupt and kill the relationship. The OM might enjoy your wife's companionship, but not enough to lose his wife and kids over it. People in affairs really believe nobody will find out about their affairs and that ads excitement to the relationship. Once the exposure happens, things can begin to crumble quickly. Exposure brings reality into the fantasy that is being lived by both parties. I hope telling the OM's wife does the trick and sets the end of the affair in motion.

Suzet's comments about your wife likely experiencing depression at the breakup of the relationship happened to my wife. My wife layed on the couch for a few days and wouldn't talk to me. I would say it was uncomfortable around the house for a couple of months thereafter. She was withdrawing from the OM and it was painful for her. It is said by the experts some spouses even feel suicidal when they think they are losing the perceived "love" of their life.

One day or one hour at a time should become your new life's motto.

Toosoon

<small>[ August 30, 2004, 10:24 PM: Message edited by: TooSoonToBeComfortable ]</small>

A few comments on "The Revealing of An Affair" were posted on another thread. I thought it might be something for you to read.


http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=37;t=021272;p=1

Desperatedan,

You sound better today and I’m glad you’re taking care of yourself! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I think the A/D's is starting to work and this will also be of much help to you physically and emotionally.

From what I’ve read from your post, it seems if there is some progress and things sound fairly positive at this stage. I’m very glad about this, but I’m still very concerned about your W’s good mood… I also suffered from sever depression and anxiety during withdrawal. I know some people experience minimum withdrawal symptoms and some don’t experience withdrawal at all, but this only happen in a few exceptional cases (mostly with men) and this is rarely the case with woman since woman are more involved with feelings and emotions. Even if your W is good at hiding her feelings, the pain from withdrawal is so severe, that I don’t know if it’s possible to hide feelings completely. To help you understand, read what Dr Harley say about withdrawal:

Withdrawal is the emotional reaction to the loss of something that gives great pleasure. It's similar to the feelings an alcoholic has when he makes a commitment never to drink again. It's also similar to the grief that comes from the loss of a loved one. A lover is like alcohol and like a loved one. Not only do unfaithful spouses miss what it was their lovers did, meeting important emotional needs, but they also miss the person they had come to love.

Our most common emotions are anger, anxiety and depression. Symptoms of withdrawal usually include all of these in a very intense form. I usually suggest that anti-depressant medication be used to help alleviate these symptoms. While the most intense symptoms of withdrawal usually last only about three weeks, in some cases they can linger for six months or longer before they start to fade.

It is extremely likely that a commitment to remain separated from a lover will be broken unless extreme measures are taken to avoid it. That's because the emotional reaction of withdrawal is so painful. Honesty is an extremely important element in reconciliation, and it should be understood that if the unfaithful spouse ever sees or communicates with the lover, he or she should immediately tell the spouse that it happened. They should then agree on a plan that would prevent a recurrence of contact in the future. But as soon as any contact is made, it throws the unfaithful spouse back to the beginning of withdrawal, and the time it takes to overcome the feelings of grief begins all over again.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>Her bouyant mood is puzzling though. Well I hope the years we've spent together have sharpened my knowledge of her capacity to hide her emotions very well.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Desperatedan, no matter how good your W is at hiding her feelings, she is NOT suppose to hide her feelings from YOU, her husband. Has this also been the case before your W became involved in an A? If so, you need to have a serious talk with your W on some stage… There is suppose to be total honesty and openness in a M, especially about feelings and emotions, and these games of hiding feelings from a spouse don’t have any place in a M. Recovery is not possible if there is not Openness and Honesty about everything (including emotions).

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>I am not prepared to expose the A to anybody at work yet nor am I comfortable with exposing it to our kids. I am however preparing to expose it to the OM's wife. I am doing this not to hurt her but to enlist her help in breaking the A.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It will be a very good thing if you can expose the A to OM’s W. As Toosoon have said, that exposure alone might even be enough to disrupt and kill the relationship. When are you planning on informing OM’s W?

Desperatedan, you’re doing fine under the circumstances. Hang in there! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

God bless,
Suzet

<small>[ August 31, 2004, 05:25 AM: Message edited by: Suzet* ]</small>

Hi Toosoon and Suzet,

Guys you're right again. Last night when I came home from work I checked W's phone and she sent a total of 32 messages! My hunch about her apparent lack of withdrawal symptoms as a good job of hiding her feelings was wrong. I think it was bourne out of the need to believe that the A has ended and the overwhelming desire that it be so. Suzet you are so right. I guess I'll just use my reserve of patience and just carry on praying and hoping. I would now definitely expose the A to the OM's wife. I'll have to find a way to get in touch with her. Heck I don't even know where they live! Let alone phone numbers and such.
At this moment in time I really don't know how my wife will handle the situation at the end of her one month "retreat". I have a feeling that she won't leave me and the kids but by the way things are progressing I think she will turn around and say I will end the A but I need more time and that in the meantime she will slowly disengage from the OM. In which case I will have either to accept the situation and keep pushing for her to end it actively (something which I am not doing now because I am keeping to my promise not to discuss the "problem" with her to give her as much neutral time to think) and change my shift so that I could be with her, or give her an ultimatum, me and the kids or the OM. If she opts to leave then I will go into what you guys call Plan B. Am I making sense?
Suzet I think you are right, the A/D's must be kicking in because I don't feel that despondent even with the disappointing turn of events. I just hope I don't get hooked on these things.
Toosoon I will adopt that motto, "One day at a time". I still have to go the link you provided regarding exposing an affair, in fact I'm going to do that just after I post this.
Well here comes another day, everyday is a step closer to the end of W's month of decision making. And I tell you guys I am dreading it! Thanks a lot for your support, I'm sure I will be needing a lot in days or months to come.

Dr. Harley has done surveys of over 40K people regarding infidelity. Further, He has worked with couples regarding infidelity for over 30 years and he says even though each case is different, they are all similar in nature. People are predictable in their manners and patterns to have, to continue, to hide, to disguise, and to end their affairs. He also understand the connection between both affair participants as an addiction and how difficult it is to break the addiction.

Suzet & I found there are no easy ways to break the affair and we learned from different perspectives that it is a step by step process. Dr, Harley layed out precisely what steps must be taken to break the affair and to resume normalcy in a marriage.

If you don't implement action and treat the affair as Dr. Harley laid our for us all, you stand to lose your wife and your family. You must accept that your wife has fallen in love with the other man and it is at the expense of her love for you. I am sorry to be so blunt but I want you to understand what you are up against.

You are now forced to compete for your own wife and you are in second place position at this time. You and your "reality package" are competing with the OM and his "fantasy package", and the fantasy package is perfect. It has no problems with money, children, or spouses. It is a perfect feel-good relationship. Your package is what it is, reality. Affairs are an escape from reality.

Listen closely, exposure of the affair to the world splashes a dose of reality onto the affair. Pressure is put on all the players from all sides. The veil of secrecy is now lifted and the excitement of the little secret love affair is over. All outside players affected by the affair, children included, are now positioning themselves to fight to keep their lives and families together. Extended families don't want the families divided and bosses do not want the disruption in the workplace forcing everyone to take action to help stop the affair. Since you have been forced to compete with the OM for your wife, this dose of reality now puts you on a more equal playing field with the OM to try and win your wife back.

Until her connection or addiction is broken with the OM, she cannot nor will not reconnect with you. You might as well accept the fact today that your wife will have to leave her job or to be on a different shift forever and away from the OM. No contact is crucial for you to win her back and keep her. I am probably sounding like a preacher to you but I tried all the nice guy approaches with my wife and they simply don't work. She continued to lie and cheat on me as long as I enabled her to do so. You must become a policeman of your wife's actions everyday or the affair will continue. You must confront her when you know she is in contact and when you know she is lying.

Please take the MB approach to your case seriously because it might be the only chance you have to save your marriage. Good luck and I am sorry to be so hard on you. Suzet is much more understanding and compassionate, yet she says the same things as I do. You must listen, then implement the plan. Good Luck.

TooSoon.

<small>[ September 01, 2004, 11:47 AM: Message edited by: TooSoonToBeComfortable ]</small>