Hello Dan,
As I sit here reading this thread at 1 a.m. I am overwhelmed by the love you have for this woman. I hope she comes to her senses and ralizes just how lucky she is to have you. Good luck......

Hi Guys,

Today hasn't been too bad. This despite discovering that W had exchanged 25 messages with OM. Am I getting complacent? Am I getting used to the hurt and humiliation?
Less than a week to go then I will give W the letter I am composing now. Then all my cards would be on the table. That will be when the roller coaster ride begins. How long and how gut wrenching it would be only God knows. But I think I'm better prepared because of you guys.
I am in constant contact with W's Canadian friend, and she has also been a constant source of support and inspiration.
I will get back to you in the morning. It is getting late and I have to say my prayers. TS I will pray for you too, and you too SleeplessinSF, I read your thread and I do not see anything to worry about. You are on the way my friend.

God Bless you all.

Dan:

It will be interesting how your wife reacts to your letter and feelings. The letter will begin the process then everything else can follow. The US and South Africa team will be checking your daily progress. You have an international support team on your side, which spports family and marriage. How can you beat that.

BTW, Thanks for the prayers. We can always use them.

Sincerely,

TooSoon

Dan, I’ve sent you two posts yesterday (page 8). Just for incase you’ve missed it! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by TooSoonToBeComfortable:
<strong> The US and South Africa team will be checking your daily progress. You have an international support team on your side, which supports family and marriage. How can you beat that. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Ditto!

Dan, from this coming Friday I will be on sick leave (operation – nothing serious) and be back at work on the 4th of October. I have limited Internet access at home and will therefore not be able to read and post as much, but be sure that I will follow your progress and still be there to give you support & encouragement when possible. Remember, you're still in my prayers daily. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

God bless,
Suzet

<small>[ September 14, 2004, 02:00 AM: Message edited by: Suzet* ]</small>

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/ultimatebb.php?ubb=get_topic;f=37;t=032143

Suzet: Here is a girl that is hurting bad. She is a WS and is in love up to her ears and she needs help. Maybe when you get back to work after your surgery, you can send her a note.

Hope everything goes well in the surgery.

TooSoon

Thanks Toosoon, I’ve read her post and will send her a note as soon as I can. I will still be around till Thursday. I have some important things to finish off at work before I go. Thanks for the good wishes. I’m sure everything will go well. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Take care and God bless,
Suzet

Hi Suzet,

No I didn't miss your post. I was just so tired last night, I was chatting online with Canada. Yes I will follow your advice about "I messages". Funny but that is also what the counsellor told me to do.

This morning I mentioned to W that it would be decision time soon. And she just said, "No, I don't think so." A sure indication that at the end of this week, she would tell me that she hasn't sorted anything out and will need more time. This is when the battle begins. I'm sure part of the reason why is that OM isn't sure of what to do next either. Our friend in Canada agrees that I should tell OM's wife. Please pray hard for me because I now know for sure what the answer will be on the weekend, it will be "I need more time." I can't be dangling on a string forever.

TS I am bouyed by the strength of support for me. I need it more than ever now. Whatever happens I will try to help others in similar situations, it is too heavy a burden for one man to carry. Right now after what W said, I feel very weak and discouraged. In fact I am shaking as I write this. Prayers please!!!

God Bless you all.

Dan,

I’m not surprised by your W’s reaction at all because currently there isn’t any pressure on her OR the OM to end their A and stop contact… Currently she still get away with her actions because she CAN and of course her reaction (when you will confront her this coming weekend) will be one of “I need more time”. As long as she gets away with her behaviour; doesn’t receive any pressure and have her cake and eat it too, her reaction and responses will be like that....

Dan, I think this just further emphasize and indicates to you how important it is to expose your W as soon as this 30-days period is over this coming weekend... Dan, you CAN NOT and SHOULD NOT wait any longer than this to expose! We know & understand this will be very difficult for you, and we know you're afraid but you have no choice!

Regarding the letter writing: Try to get hold of the book “Men are from Mars, women are from Venus” (don't know the Author) and read the chapter on the writing of a Love Letter (one of the last chapters in the book). There is EXCELLENT guidelines & practical advice to follow and to help you express all your feelings of anger, hurt, pain and love to your W (in the right order) and help bringing those emotions to the surface using “I messages” etc.

We are praying for you,
Suzet

<small>[ September 14, 2004, 03:55 AM: Message edited by: Suzet* ]</small>

Men are from Mars and Women Are From Venus

Author John Gray, PHD

Hi Guys,

This will only be a short post. I need to work on that letter. I was feeling really low all day. Even explored ways of committing suicide with a friend at work only in jest of course. We reckon the best way is carbon monoxide from car exhaust. But no that is not the answer. If I do that I might as well condone my W's affair because committing suicide is worse. But as if following some timetable towards the end of my shift I pulled myself up by telling myself that it could be worse, W could have walked out ages ago, at least now she hasn't given any indication of doing so. Suzet I think you are so right. They will never end the affair if there is no pressure from sources other than me. I have asked a friend to give me OM's address and he's giving it to me tomorrow. So the ball has started to roll.

Suzet good luck with whatever you have being done. I will try to get a hold of that book. I've heard about it and in fact have seen in in a local bookstore. So I will do that tomorrow. In the meantime I will try to see if I can tap out a few words on my own.

TS I still am a bit overwhelmed by
The US and South Africa team will be checking your daily progress. You have an international support team on your side, which spports family and marriage. How can you beat that.

I just wish I could show this to my wife and OM make them see what they're up against!!!

Anyway thanks a lot guys. I will try to update you as often as I can.

God Bless you all.

Hi Guys,

This morning I was just so frustrated at W's comment that she doesn't think there will any decision regarding the state of our relationahip this weekend I ventured forth and sort of threw all caution to the winds and confronted her with all the hurt and frustrations I especially with her continuous contact with OM during her month long soul searching, and most of all with their A. I asked her what does she want and she still came back with I don't know. I then asked her what OM wants and she said he wants to be with her. I then told her that I cannot live my life suspended in limbo while she and OM contemplate what they want and how they are going to achieve it. So I told her that if she still wants to live with she has to stop the A immediately. I will not put up with living together while she carries on with the A. I even said that if she wants to carry on the A, then the door is open, just go. I felt then that I had blown it. But I was floored when she said she will end the A. However she is not prepared or willing to work on our marriage and that we will only stay together as friends and only for the sake of the kids and also for financial reasons. I said that is fine with me as long as she ends the affair. I asked her over and over again and she replied over and over again that she will end the A. Now I am lost. Although I had a suspicion that she would not leave because of our son, I did not expect her to say that she will end the A. I will have to ask her again tomorrow if she has ended the A and if not when? I know that most of you would say that she is only lying to protect the A. I have to take her word for it for the time being but if I find out that they are still in contact I will push, and reiterate my stand that if she wants to stay she has to stop the A or go and live with OM. At this point I think she and the OM couldn't really make the final step of leaving spouses and children (BTW OM doesn't have any kids) and homes and the security that these bring. I now know that when push comes to shove W and OM would not be able to carry on. So in a way I've got that ace. I will see in the next couple of days how this all pans out. I will continue pushing for her to end the A and until I can be sure that there is no NC, I'll keep on playing that ace.

I would definitely welcome any advice or comments that you would like to make in light of these developments. I would like to take this opportunity to thank eerybody especially Toosoon and Suzet, for their continuiung advice and support and most of all for their prayers. I can only attribute my wife's decision to stop the A to God's help.

I'll keep you posted and please don't forget the prayers.

God Bless you all.

Okay, she says she will end the A - not to work on the marriage - but who cares? Once there is no contact, she will start having feelings for you and the marriage again.

I would stick in Plan A, with no DJ's or LB's.

Realize that it is very, very difficult for them in no contact. But she says she will have NC. Usually they refuse. So I would have a tiny glimmer of hope, but don't count on it.

Keep working on changing you, and having a nice life for you and family. Just maybe she will join you.

Dan:

I am thrilled to hear the news about the ending of the affair but I believe that there are some behind the scene events happening for these words to be said. Things are not always this easy or as they seem in my opinion. Let me tell you what I think is happening. The OM told his wife about the affair or the OM’s wife may have found out about the affair and confronted the OM about the affair. Their DD probably turned the OM’s world and marriage upside down, like it did for us all. My suspicions are the OM is ending the affair with your wife and she is agreeing to stay with you as long as she doesn’t have to love you, since she still loves the OM. Like Believer said, it doesn’t matter what she says today, keeping away from the OM will cause her to eventually fall back in love with you anyway. With the OM missing work recently and unexpectedly, I think he had a couple of sleepless nights due to all hell breaking loose in his family. The OM may have been forced to weigh out his options. by having to choose his wife or your wife. You have two kids and if the OM chooses your wife, the OM assumes the role of a stepfather and he inherits a very bitter ex-husband and years of pain and suffering. He may have wanted the thrills and benefits of the Affair but never really had any intention of leaving his wife. It might be like why buy the cow when you can just rent it concept. Dr. Harley talks about the difficulty of the affairs that end this way, if it did. It means that you didn’t win your wife back by her choice but you won her back by default. This is very humiliating for the BS but you must throw your pride out the window anyway to take her back and have a chance to rebuild your marriage.


This affair is likely not ending at the doings of your wife so expect her to become depressed and moody. I think you should be told the extent of the affair, the depth and the length of the affair, etc. You should find out if it was an EA or a PA as well. Make her be honest with you, if she will. She has been lying for quite a while so it might be tough for her to be completely honest.

Today is a very big day, in any event. Congratulations with Reservations!

TooSoon

Hi TS,

I agree with you "Congratulations with Reservations." I'm not 100% convinced that W has eneded the A, but like I said I will give her the benefit of the doubt. I will closely monitor events and confirm with her that she has indeed ended the A.
TS I feel no sense of elation at all. In fact I feel rather empty and hollow. Maybe because she's staying by default. I have a feeling of winning the battle but the foreboding of losing the war looms quite large in the horizon. But let's just concentrate on the here and now. At least she has said she will end it. Not TRY to end it.
What follows next? I would Plan A very very hard indeed and of course hope and pray, especially pray. Thanks once again for your constant and unfailing support.

God Bless you all.

Dan,

It seems if there is some hope and I’m also thrilled your W is willing to end the A, but as believer have said, don’t count on it too much. I also think ToonSoon is right on spot with his post and suspicions. At this stage, your W have no other choice than to end the A and I believe she is serious when she says she is willing to end the A. However, withdrawal and no contact will be extremely hard for your W in the beginning, so just be prepared that although she is willing to end the A and have NC, she might not be strong enough on this stage to stay away from the OM completely… Re-read the following Dr Harley have said regarding withdrawal:

”It is extremely likely that a commitment to remain separated from a lover will be broken unless extreme measures are taken to avoid it. That's because the emotional reaction of withdrawal is so painful. Honesty is an extremely important element in reconciliation, and it should be understood that if the unfaithful spouse ever sees or communicates with the lover, he or she should immediately tell the spouse that it happened. They should then agree on a plan that would prevent a recurrence of contact in the future. But as soon as any contact is made, it throws the unfaithful spouse back to the beginning of withdrawal, and the time it takes to overcome the feelings of grief begins all over again.”

Dan, if it become necessary and if the WS can’t stay committed to the promise to have NC, I believe exposure is part of the extreme measures to be taken. Therefore I will suggest the following:

1) Request your W to first send a NC letter to the OM. The letter must be approved by you and signed by both of you. If your W really wants to end the A, this is the first step she have to take.
2) If she can’t stay committed to her promise to end the A and have NC, then you still have to follow through with exposure to the boss, colleagues etc.
3) You can help your W to get through withdrawal and help her to open up towards you by following the following suggestions I’ve posted to another BH on this thread a few months ago. I’ve send this link on the start of this thread, but I believe it’s a good time for you to re-read it and keep some of the things in mind.

Dan, it seems if the scale is starting to tip in your favor and things look positive, but just be prepared for a very difficult time to come and some setbacks. This is like a roller coaster and sometimes there will be one step forward and two or three steps backwards, but this is all part of recovery. As I’ve said before, if your W keep NC an first get through this most difficult phase of early withdrawal, the fog will start to lift and eventually (with much time & patience), she will turn back to her ‘normal’ self and start to see & think clearly again. There is much hope! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Continued prayers to you,
Suzet

<small>[ September 16, 2004, 03:10 AM: Message edited by: Suzet* ]</small>

Dan,

I don’t know if you told your W about MB,ers yet, but it will really help if she can read and post here if she is serious about ending the A… Posting here will also help her to get through withdrawal and give her support etc.

This thread contains a link to a letter which was posted to all WS’s by another WS on this board. Probably it will help if you print it out and give it to your W to read. Give it a try. The above thread also contains other useful and insightful information you can read.

Hope this can help.

God bless,
Suzet

Dan:

Suzet is correct, the days ahead for your wife and you are going to be tough. You will be in pain because your wife betrayed you and she will be in pain because she lost the "love of her life". Keep taking your meds and you might suggest to your wife that she get on them too.

This is a time for you to become the understanding friend and to try and get her to talk to you as a friend. Extend your hand to her and let her know if she needs someone to talk to, you will listen without being critical. (I know that is hard to do.) Learn to bite your tongue somehow and continue to swallow your pride. I used to reflect on these words all the time and they might help you also, "There are no winners from affairs, only survivors." Don’t expect anything from your wife for a long time since she doesn’t have anything in her to give you.

Also, remember, your wife did not set out to have an affair, it happened accidentally. My wife wanted to salvage her pride in the end and said to me that it was never her intent to fall in love with her co-worker. That brought me a little bit of comfort. Good women make mistakes. Look at Suzet’s story, she is a good Christian woman who accidentally got in over her head too.

Keep posting and keep expressing your feelings on the board. It will help you like it did for us.

TooSoon

Hi Guys,

Nothing much to say but a big thank you to both of you. W is struggling and I don't think she has fully ended the affair, that doesn't make sense, what I meant was W is struggling with her decision to end it. I am sure she is going to, I think she is "fence sitting" at the moment scared to make the final jump, which I can understand and even empathise with. All I can do right now is be firm and try to push her into jumping to my side of the fence without LBing. TS I take your advice that it will be very hard for both of us and that there will be reversals along the way. I have to keep my eyes fixed on the goal, always, and not be discouraged by these setbacks.
Suzet thanks for the links to those threads. Trueheart's letter was truly a work of art! Thanks a lot for sharing it with me. One day I might show it to W, but not yet, the right time will come. Also I almost applauded when the drama of Recovering H and onlywords unfolded before my very eyes. What a story, makes me almost envious, but very happy for both of them. Thanks a lot.
Well today hasn't been bad at all. W rang me at work to talk about the mail we received that day, something she hasn't done for I don't know how long now. I hope she is slowly coming home. Till next time.

God Bless You All.

Dan:

It continues to sound like the OM ended the affair and your wife has not completely resigned herself to that fact. Part of her wants it to continue, I would bet. She may be trying to save the affair but is getting resistance from the OM.

Reality is this, no matter what causes the affair to end, you are the one she comes back too. That gives you the opportunity to save your marriage.

Simple things like her call about the mail mean a lot in times like this. I used to cling to every word my FWW would say that gave me hope.

Dan, I sincerely believe things are going to change for you but it will take months to get life back to some normalcy. Don't expect too much too soon.

Let us know.

TooSoon

Hi Guys,

It is Friday night and the weekend looms ahead with what would have been the make or break time. As it is it has become something of an anti-climax. I still have a few things to sort with W. First, I need to know when is she going to end it, I cannot simply accept that she will end it in time. That brings us back to square one, although this could be what you called one step forward two steps backward. Second, after she ends it there will be no text messages etc.,there should be total NC. This will be a bit difficult because they work together, but I can make arranegements behind the scenes to minimise this. What is important to me is that she gives up sending these messages. But I will try to impart these, not as demands but using "I" sentences like Suzet suggested. Plan A at its best.
Wish me luck and please the prayers! I'll keep you posted. And I will pray during Mass for you TS and especially for Suzet for whatever she's having done.

God Bless you.