Hi TS,

I read the thread first before I read your posting here and I could have sworn that thread was meant for me, and indeed it is!! Thanks for all that you've done. I understand that each case is unique but I have given our relationship about six months before the real healing process can begin. I'm no expert but I am allowing six months for each of us, W and myself, to grieve, my W for the loss of OM and myself for the loss of innocence in our marriage.
W and I are slowly moving toward each other. In fact we are a bit more "friendly" than before all this inasmuch as we, particularly myself, and sometimes W, avoid confrontational situations by either changing the subject or just simply letting remarks go unchallenged if it would lead to tension. By the way these are not about the A but about things that couples talk about. We have scheduled our holidays next year and W hasn't even hinted at separate holidays so I suppose that is a good sign.
The next steps for me are moving to her shift on 11 Oct. and then the umtimatum.
I am gaining strength everyday although I still experience occasional lows, they are less frequent and not as dark. Thanks mostly to you and Suzet this BS is slowly pulling through. I still don't know what the future brings, but at least I know I can face it, whatever it may be.
God bless you.

Dan:

If you would meet my wife, you would never guess or believe that just a few months ago, she was putting me through the holy hell I went through. It is like a whole new person came out of her that I never knew existed. That is obviously the same for your wife too.

My wife seems and acts very normal and reasonably happy today as if nothing ever happened. She could forget about it forever I am sure, but I cannot forget it completely this soon. We have our triggers and we never know when something will suface to bring out the thoughts of the affair. I had my wife tell me what restaurants they went to when they were dating, etc. I drive down the street and see one of the restaurants, it causes me to think about the affair. I am sure it works the same for her too. She drives past one and thinks nice romantic thoughts of the OM.

You and I can and never will be able to escape the facts of the past and we must accept them as part of our lives. The only way to end the turmoil is get a divorce and that brings a different type of turmaoil to a lot of lives. I will stay married for as long as I can. I truly suspect if I catch her sneaking calls or lunches with the OM, I will not give my wife another chance. I don't think she is because she has not watched her weight like before and has gained 4 or 5 lbs. That is a lot when you are trying to look good for a guy 18 years younger than her.

I think our ordeal is over and the time will heal the doubt and pain. I even told her I loved her last weekend and that is something I have been struggling with for awhile. I have been feeling some bitter feelings towards her but that is passing.

Life is tough.....and then we die. I have had a poem on my wall for 15 years or more. It helps me when I get a little down. I will post it for you to read.

Don’t Quit!

When things go wrong, as they sometimes will,
When the road you're trudging seems all up hill,
When the funds are low and the debts are high,
And you want to smile, but you have to sigh,
When care is pressing you down a bit,
Rest, if you must--but don't you quit.

Life is queer with it's twists and turns,
As everyone of us sometimes learns,
And many a failure turns about
When he might have won had he stuck it out;
Don't give up, though the pace seems slow--
You might succeed with another blow.

Often the goal is nearer than
it seems to a faint and faltering man,
Often the struggler has given up
When he might have captured the victor's cup.
And he learned too late, when the night slipped down,
How close he was to the golden crown.

Success is failure turned inside out--
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt--
And you never can tell how close you are,
It may be near when it seems afar;
So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit--
It's when things seem worst that you mustn't quit.

Author Unknown


TooSoon

TS thanks for the poem. I will print a copy and put it by this computer, for this is where I spend most of my darkest hours, either tapping out emails or posting on this site or entering things in my diary, or just letting go with a few tears when things really get bad.

I identify with your experience about things and places that trigger thoughts of the A. I too know the places they went to and I get a knot in my stomach everytime I pass by such a place. And I'm sure W is also affected but this may trigger altogether different reactions in her. We still have a long way to go before we reach your stage of recovery. I do sincerely hope we do reach your stage although right now I cannot see it happening in the near future, that;s why your poem will be read and reread! TS you are indeed the lucky one. I know that W is still text messaging OM but when I join her shift I will make sure that all that will stop or she has to leave. I am much stronger now and I can give her the choice. You know what I'm scared of? I'm scared that I will fall out of love with my W because then our M would truly be over. At the moment I'm getting moments of doubts and questioning my love for her. I noticed that you said you're finding it hard to say "I love you" to your W, did you fall out of love with her? You see my W has said (indirectly) that she doesn't love me anymore but I love her so much still, so if I fall out of love then I might as well kiss our marriage goodbye. What do you think?

God bless you.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I know that W is still text messaging OM but when I join her shift I will make sure that all that will stop or she has to leave. I am much stronger now and I can give her the choice. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am not going to hit you too hard with exposure tonight but think about the process for a minute. If a half of dozen or more people very close to your wife begins questioning her values, morals, motives, etc., it will cause a huge embarrassment to her. Scrutiny is a funny thing because none of us can live up to being scrutinized about too many things; especially of we are clearly guilty of a wrongdoing. Affairs flourish in secrecy and, once exposed, the secrecy part of the affair is over.

It is said that exposure is what tests the strength of the affair. Since affairs are built on lies and deceit, exposure is generally the catalyst to begin the ending of the affair. Marriage creates boundaries and your wife and mine crossed over the marriage boundary lines. It is up to you to redefine the boundaries again and to enforce a penalty against her if they are crossed. At this time, she has no reason to abide by the old boundaries. Besides, she is addicted to the love of the OM, and she can't just walk away. The penalty for her must be so great that she will quit seeing the OM. Without you stepping in to enforce the old boundaries, you indirectly become an enabler of the affair. No different than the spouse of an alcoholic. If you don't insist that they get help to quit drinking, they won't quit on their own.

I know it is fear that prevents you from implementing this needed action. I even knew or strongly suspected my wife was having an affair but I sort of closed my eyes like, if I didn't look at it, I wouldn't see it and it wouldn't really be happening. I finally confronted her and it was then that she told me she was in love with another man. That killed me inside. I became a desperate man completely out of control trying to figure out a way to get my wife back. She didn't love me but someone else. That is when I found MB and I read online every minute I could. I bought suggested books and read every word. I looked for Hope in every line of the books. My wife was very committed to leaving me for the OM. It was what I learned at MB that gave me the tools to try and stop the affair to save my marriage. The undoing process of the affair is time consuming, painful, lengthy, and expensive. Further, there are no short cuts to ending it. I believe your wife is capable of leaving you and your children for this OM too, if the OM comes around. If you wait too long to try and stop the affair, it could be too late and you could lose her forever.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> You know what I'm scared of? I'm scared that I will fall out of love with my W because then our M would truly be over. At the moment I'm getting moments of doubts and questioning my love for her. I noticed that you said you're finding it hard to say, "I love you" to your W, did you fall out of love with her? You see my W has said (indirectly) that she doesn't love me anymore but I love her so much still, so if I fall out of love then I might as well kiss our marriage goodbye. What do you think?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I told my MC that I too was falling out of love for my wife and I told her that in the presence of my wife. I told her that I was the only one that could keep this marriage together and if I quit, the marriage is over. I absolutely reached the end of my rope with her too. We were in recovery for a few months and she was still complaining about her desire for her freedom and independence and that is when I finally laid out my divorce plans for her so we could end the marriage. My words gave her the freedom that she was looking for.

Plan B is used when the WS cannot make up her mind who she wants, the spouse or the OP. Plan B is supposed to be used to prevent the BS from completely falling out of love with the WS. They do so much damage to us in this stage, that we need to get away from them or we fall completely out of love for the WS. The problem is, you are allowing yourself the daily pain and hoping it stops on its own, but it won't. I don't think you should kick her out yet, because you have missed the exposure part of the process along with so many needed steps. The affair needs a dose of reality added to it. Humiliation and embarrassment are real feelings.

I have struggled telling my wife I love her. I think for two reasons. One is, my marriage is different now, and I know she is not the loyal and loving girl that I always thought she was. Two, I am afraid to lay it all out on the line for the fear of setting myself up for more severe pain and suffering. I am trying to stair step the recovery. Deep inside, I know she is capable of walking out on me tomorrow, even though I don't think she is planning to do so. I do believe love is a choice and I want to fall back madly in love with her again and I think that is happening. In this very short time since NC was implemented, I do trust her again and I am feeling more secure everyday. She recently quit drinking wine, which was messing her up.

Now to tell you the bad news, my wife made about 23K per year plus full family insurance and dental benefits. That is equivalent to 30K per year. She now works with me and she makes no income. We now have temporary Cobra insurance that costs $900 per month and my business is slow. We have been hurt very bad financially as a result of the affair. If my wife hadn't left her job, she would not have ended her emotional feelings for the OM and I probably would have ended up divorced. Your wife MUST leave her job for you guys to have a real and full chance at recovery. If she stays, a quick glance across the room with eye contact for them is enough to stir the emotions between the two of them. As long as she is emotionally connected to the OM, she will not reconnect to you and that prevents recovery. A simple text message that says, "I miss you" will stir up her emotions inside and that prevents real recovery.

You have so much ahead of you but if you take it one day at a time, you can get through it, but you must begin the process. At this time, you don't even know if it is an EA or a PA. EA’s leading to sex are even harder to break because they already love each other and then they consummate their love with bonding sex. Exposure, the threat of more exposure, the threat of kicking her out of the house, or any of the above may get her to open up and start talking to explain the extent of the affair. You need to know the truth or you don't know what you are up against.

I have been there and it is difficult and painful. God doesn't give us more than we can handle so you will get through it. Your wife is not strong enough to end the affair nor does she want to end the affair so you must do it for her. The worst-case scenario is you will lose your wife, and you still may. You already know this and that is what is causing the fear to set in. The statistics that you will rebound are with you, especially if you alter the direction of the affair permanently.

Keep in touch and I will try and answer any questions you may have to help you along the way. I hope this information helps you for now. I don’t mean to hurt you in any manner with the words I have said.

TooSoon

Interesting thread to read about statistics. I used to print articles or threads out and put them where my wife could read them or I would ask her to read them and she would.

The statistics for a long term successful marriage to last as a result of an affair are are almost nill. Print the thread for your wife to read along with the Penny Tupa report you will find in the thread.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/ultimatebb.php?ubb=get_topic;f=37;t=032573

<small>[ September 29, 2004, 02:52 AM: Message edited by: TooSoonToBeComfortable ]</small>

Hi TS,

Thnaks for the posting and the link. Haven't read link yet but had enough time to read posting. I'm sorry if I hadn't made it clear at the start but their A is a PA. She has admitted that to me at the start. If this makes it harder to break then that is one more thing that I am up against. I'll try to work on her quitting her job but right now our daughter will be starting university and we need the money. Of coursse we can scale down and move to a smaller house etc., etc., but that is down the line. I must insist that she ends the A soon, because as you said I am suffering everyday and I will get to the point where I just can't take anymore.
Never for one moment think that I take offense by anything you write, I know you only have the best interests at heart. I do take a lot in and I do derive great comfort from reading your posts because I know that I am not alone because this thing can be very lonely because normally as a couple one's partner share the burden but in this case she is the burden.
I'll read the link tonight, I must go to work now.
God bless you.

I have read that when women who have a PA, usually have their heart and soul deep into the relationship or they won't do it. I learned long ago that sex is very bonding, so he too, is likely very connected.

Dan, you must take action and you must forbid your wife to continue on. She is making an absolute fool of you now right under your nose.
Put a stop to this madness or have her move out now. No wonder you feel like you are falling out of love for her. I am sorry to hear that. I was hoping it remained an EA.

TooSoon

Hi TS,

As far as I know the A has stopped being a PA from DDay and I am absolutely certain that they haven't had "contact" since W went back to work from her month long leave.
Yesterday W rang me at work and we had a long conversation about how she was not coping very well at work. People are noticing the change in her "friendship" with the OM, when before they were always together now they are never seen together. She said that she just might lose it if she gets one more question about this change. I advised her not to since an overly violent reaction would be a red flag to gossips, i.e. "there must have been something going on the way she's reacting", so I just tried to calm her down and said to her that in a couple of weeks people will get bored and move on to the next office gossip and there are plenty. She even broached the subject of resigning and I said to her that is fine we can always downsize, etc.etc. She also said she might move shifts to which I replied that that would really start people talking because I move shifts to join her and then she moves to another shift. She then said something that gave me great comfort, she said "Of course you move shifts with me too." TS that to me was manna from heaven, it may sound very simple but it meant the world to me. I am now more reassured that she is ending the A and I see a glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel. I know that these are baby steps, almost insignificant, but from my perspective it is almost momentous.
It won't be plain sailing from now I still expect setbacks and disappointments but the struggle goes on.
Just a short update. Please do not forget me in your prayers.
God bless you.
God bless you.

Dan:

Your wife's words sounds very encouraging and it does sound like she knows the relationship is over with completely. She is still addicted to him and she sounds like she is looking for a way to cope with her dilemma. She does have fear of exposure based on her not wanting people to talk and that is something you must remember. She doesn't want to be embarrassed by her other co-workers. This must be used as a tool against her as she continues to send messages to the OM. You might say in passing, that if the OM ruins our marriage, everyone at work is going to find out, etc. My wife was scared to death that her religious and rightious image she put on at work was going to be tarnished if anyone found out about her affair. I used that knowledge many times as a threat against her without having to actually expose her at work.

I had to cut the text message option out for my teenage daughter due to her excessive use and you might consider doing the same for your wife. It will make it easier for her to not impulsively send him a quick "thinking of you" message.

The other thing I see is your wife is looking for a gracious exit stategy and wanting to get away from him or knowing she needs to get away from him. She knows it is wrong and she knows it is not leading to anything but more pain and suffering for herself. That selfish side of her will eventually shift to her not wanting to hurt her family any longer, but it will still take awhile for that.

I used to look and listen for any words my wife would say to give me hope. The words your wife said are definatley words of hope. Understand her situation and help her get through it. She is very weak and very much in love. She knows that the OM is not walking away from his wife and she knows she belongs with her family. She is torn between her fantasy love and for her real world. Now is the time for you to stress the importance of NC and how crucial it is for her and her well being. Do not think of the money you will lose, she can finad another job. Dr. Harley even suggests couple move out of town and away from an affair lover. She opened the door to leave the company and you might want to allow her to pursuit another job immediately. She knows if she sees the OM, she will buckle immediately.

Dan, the thing about the PA, it is really no difference than an EA. They are both betrayal. If I had my drothers, I wish my wife would have gotten drunk and had a one night stand with a stranger. It would have been easier to deal with. You and I both have and had to deal with the strong emotional connection that our wives built with other men. Don't get too hung up on the PA. Betrayal is Betrayal.

Dan, your message today shows there is much hope for your family to stay together. I will continue to ask God to guide you and your wife back together.

Take Care,

TooSoon

<small>[ September 30, 2004, 06:25 AM: Message edited by: TooSoonToBeComfortable ]</small>

Hi TS,

Thanks for your post. I do realise that W is scared of exposure so I will take your advice and use it as a leverage for her to do NC. I took great comfort from your analysis of W's dilemma and her coming to terms with the fact that she has to end it and that moving shifts or even jobs are now options to complete the break. I must admit I didn't see that right away. Thanks a lot for opening my eyes to a perspective that you saw but I didn't. Sometimes when you're in an emotional fog yourself it is so easy to miss things.
I had a good cry tonight. I went to see my daughter in her room to see how her packing was coming along. She leaves for university on Saturday. I noticed that her room is almost bare. All her girlie clutter is gone. That's when it hit me that she is leaving home. I had to get out so I went downstairs and cried. I am a bit emotional nowadays anyway but I really would miss my baby. I wish so much to share this moment with my wife but I guess she has her own problems, maybe someday.
Thanks for the prayers. They have helped a lot. I too continue to pray for you and your FWW.
God bless you.

Dan:

I couldn't think clearly during my ordeal either. I am glad that I am pointing out some things for you to think about. I express the things I dealt with, and if it fits your case, maybe some of the stuff will work for you.

We have sent kids to college too, and it is tough. We sent our middle son 1,000 miles away so he could attend a specialty college and that was really tough to leave him in an apartment complex by himself. It was very difficult for us too. I went to his graduation by myself, so I could help him pack up his apartment and I had to pull his car home with my SUV. When I was gone, I was celebrating my son's graduation with other family members who lived in the same state. I received a phone call from my oldest daughter the night before I was driving home. She said, “I don’t know where mom is and she never came home from work”. It makes me sick to even type these words. I found out later, this trip out of town was the beginning of my wife's affair. It developed much earlier but it began flourishing during that trip. I pulled all phone records and the number of calls to his cell from my wife's cell was unbelievable the week I was gone. She was truly a major player in the affair, not an innocent victim of it. I am celebrating a nice milestone with my son at a hard Rock Café and my wife was drinking, having dinner, going to a movie with her BF.

Later, I took my son out of town helping him look for a job and it was a four-day weekend trip and the same thing happened. It makes me sick that things so important in our children's lives are clouded with my wife's blatant and destructive affair. It can't be changed, I didn't need humbling, it didn't build character, and it is just a terrible happening in our lives. Remember, neither one of us won, we just survived.

You are on the verge of turning the corner and don't be afraid of helping it along. You are good man who is very dedicated to his family. Remain strong for your children. Pain, tears, and open suffering are signs of weakness as my son originally thought. Fighting hard to save the marriage against all or most odds are signs of strength, in my opinion. Keep up the good fight. Your marriage is going to make it.

Take Care.

TooSoon

Dan:

One more thing, my birthday, her birthday, Thanksgiving, and Christmas were all celebrated during her affair. She would run to the store for something before and after all the events I just described. Phone records later showed the trips were to call her BF.

After DD and prior to NC, I threw away 20 years of saved keepsake cards that she gave me since we were married describing her love for me, etc. They simply meant nothing to me during that time. I now know why I received BD and Christmas cards that you would send to an old neighbor or distant friend, such as; "Have a great day and I hope the Holiday is fun, etc". Sickening, but true. Still painful as I think back.

You will find that you will eventually turn to being angry and bitter and there is no real easy answer to fix it or change it.

Oh well,

TooSoon

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Pain, tears, and open suffering are NOT signs of weakness as my son originally thought. Fighting hard to save the marriage against all or most odds are signs of strength, in my opinion. Keep up the good fight. Your marriage is going to make it.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I meant to say NOT signs of weakness on the above post. Sorry, I didn't proof it after I typed it last night.

Dan:

To let you know you have a very long road ahead of you, my wife has been a bit depressed the last couple of days. She finally told me why. She says she misses her old job where she was contantly praised by her co-workers for her performance, being nicely dressed, being a wonderful person, etc.

At work yesterday, a few of us were talking about insurance and women having kids. I told the other person, in front of my wife, that my wife was too old to be having more kids. Wrong thing to say. Our youngest is 18 yrs old and my wife will be 47 in a few months but was offended by my comment. I should have said we are past our baby making days, etc.

My comment threw her back thinking about her fantasy romance when the 28 yr old guy was telling her how beautiful she was and how young she acted around him. She reminded me how old I am acting for 53 yrs old. I do have grand-kids and I am not 30 yrs old nor do I act 30 years old.

She gets easily depressed anyway but I had to remind her that she is closer to being 50 yrs old than 30 yrs old herself, rather she likes it or not. She said her 28 yr old BF made her feel young and I make her feel old. My comment was not intended to hurt her and I apologized for it. I am a much more matter of fact person than her.

I told her when she has those old thoughts of romance and love with her BF in her fantasy world that she needs to remember those events were the thing that turned our world upside down and almost completely destroyed our family. I said our present financial condition is a result of her affair and there was NOTHING positive that came from her affair. She was still resisting my words so I said to her, like I did before, that she can go find a new job and that I wasn't going to fight her or fight for her and she needs to do whatever she wants.

I then told her that everything I read on the Boards says it will take about two years for her and I to put the past behind us. I then told her that nobody won as a result of her affair and that so much was lost by all of us. I said we survived it but we have a long way to go. She said there has been NC whatsoever and she has no intention to contact the OM. She then said she was sure her thoughts would pass.

My challenges continue on, and welcome to my world Dan.

TooSoon

Hi TS,
This would be a short one. I have to go to bed early to be ready for an early start tomorrow for university. It's only about 100 miles or so, but in little old England that is far. W is taking time off work (she works Tuesday to Sat)to come with us. Originally I would have done the trip with just myself and my baby and then, W, our son and I would take another trip on Sunday to say our goodbyes. I almost jumped with joy when she said she was coming along. It's funny but after DDay every little thing means a lot.
TS you don't realise how much I value your input. Because I know that you've been there and lived what I am living through. After reading your most recent posts I could see a lot of similarities in our situation and how truly destructive and devastating an A could be. I just wish that couples should study the effects of an affair before they get married. It should be required reading and I would even go to the extent of advocating a weekend of seminars on the subject with real people telling real stories.
I promised this would be a short one. I will try to post sometime during the weekend in between trips. TS thanks a lot, you are truly blessed. I hope you continue towards true recovery, and I sincerely mean that.
God bless you.

Dan:

My wife and I had a long talk last night. We talked about your situation as well as ours. She said she snapped out of her mood from a couple of days ago and she sometimes just has to do some self talk to get her through her past pleasant fantasy memories of the OM. Ironically, when the first real dose of reality was brought to her affair by the exposure was enough for her to begin seeing the OM's selfish side. It wasn’t enough to cause the affair to end immediately though.

She agrees your wife needs to break off 100% contact with the OM or it will be difficult for her to reconnect with you. She says her own intentions to break off her affair could not have happened as long as she had access to the OM at work. My wife seeing and talking to the OM made it impossible for her to lose the connection with him.

We talked about your wife having a PA and my wife told me she would likely have had sex with her OM too, because her feelings and the relationship was definitely leading that way. I was lucky that I exposed it when I did. Like I said, the betrayal is worse than the sex itself.

She told me that she feels like she has fallen completely back in love with me since our ordeal happened. We talked about what led her to the affair from her perspective. She said she didn't think I cared that much for her and that I put too much emphasis on everything and everybody else but her and our marriage. She said she was simply vulnerable to having an affair. Looking back, we were probably living two different lives under the same roof. Today, we act and work more as a married couple and we spend more time on us than we did before.

I work with a lot of women and my wife now fears that I too could fall prey to an affair at work, because it happens so innocently. She works with me now so I doubt that will happen. Most people who have affairs on their spouses, leave their spouses for their new OP, and marry them never trust their spouse because their relationship was built on lies and deceit.

Hopefully your wife will see that soon. I hope your weekend went well.

TooSoon

<small>[ October 02, 2004, 08:45 PM: Message edited by: TooSoonToBeComfortable ]</small>

Dan & Toosoon, I’m back! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> The surgery went well and I’m doing fine. I’m more than 2 weeks into recovery now and going back to work tomorrow.

Dan, I’m glad to see there is some progress in your M and positive signs from your W. There is much hope for your M. However, I’m still concerned about your fear to expose your W and force her to end ALL contact with the OM (including text messages). NC is SO important and it won’t be possible for your W to “get over” OM and start recovery with you if you still allow them to stay in some form of deliberate contact with each other. I agree with Toosoon that it will be the best if your W can quit her job and/or if both of you can move out of the state away from OM, but I understand there might be some circumstances in your situation (financially, economically, practically etc.) that might make it extremely difficult for you to follow through with such a drastic step right now. Dan, if you & your W can find it at all possible to do this on some stage (quit her job and/or move away), THEN DO IT, otherwise both of you can take some preventative steps at work to reduce contact with OM to the minimum. But the most important now is that the deliberate contact between your W & OM must stop and only YOU can make this happen.

I still have accidental contact with OM at work from time to time and these contact prolonged my withdrawal & made recovery much longer and harder, but the most important was that I stopped deliberate contact with OM and after this it was possible for me to fully recover in spite of accidental contacts. I know my recovery would be100 x faster if I could quit my job and have no accidental contact with OM whatsoever, but in me & my H’s situation this was not practically possible at all.

Dan, don’t wait until the 11th October to give your W an ultimatum, do it NOW. I’m concerned about the fact that you decided the give her more time to continue with the A and decided to postpone the ultimatum and exposure after the 30-day period was over. I understand it’s because you don’t have the courage and are afraid to take a stand, and I’m concerned you will postpone again when you hit the 11th of October. Dan, you W still continue with contact and the A because SHE CAN, because she can still get away with it and because you still allow her too. There is no benefit in keep postponing. In fact, it will only make things worse and more difficult. It cause more damage you yourself, your W and your M.

Dan, after my surgery I was immobile for more than a week and had much time to read. One of the books I read was “Pulling your own strings” written by Dr Wayne W. Dyer. I want you to read the following passages from the book and I hope it will be of some meaning to you. Here it is:

A NEW LOOK AT STRENGTH

Being strong in no way implies being powerful, manipulative, or even forceful. By operating from strength, I mean leading your life from the twin positions of worth and effectiveness.

You are always a worthy, important human being, and there is never any reason to conduct yourself, or allow others to pull or push you, in any direction in which your basic merit as a human being is challenged. Moreover, in any situation you have a choice between (1) being effective and reaching your goals, or (2) being effective and, ultimately, being restricted from doing what you desire. In most cases – not all, but most – you can be effective, and in all cased, you can operate from the position of your own intrinsic worth as a person.

In dealing with your self-worth, remind yourself that by definition it must come from yourself. You are worthy not because others say so, or because of what you accomplish, or because of your achievements. Rather, you are precious and you say so, because you believe it, and most importantly, because you ACT as if you are worthy.

Being a non-victim starts with the principle of saying and believing that you are valuable, but it is put into practice when you begin behaving as if you are worthwhile. This is the essence of strength, and of course, of not being a victim. You can’t act out of needs to be powerful or intimidating, but you must act from strength which guarantees you will be treated as a worthy person simply because you believe down to your very soul that you do count.

Being effective is not an universal given, as is your own self-esteem. At times you will not attain your goals. Occasionally you will find people irrationally impossible to deal with, or encounter situations where you’ll have to back off or compromise to avoid being further victimized. You can, however, cut these “losses” down to an unavoidable minimum, and more important, you can eliminate totally the emotional upsets of being thwarted now and then.

Being effective simply means you apply all your personal resources and use all available strategies, short of stepping on others, to achieve your objectives. Your own worth and personal effectiveness are the cornerstones of operating from strength.

Keep in mind that a breakdown of the word invalid, meaning a physically weak person, comes out in valid. By living your life from a position of emotional weakness you are not only a loser most of the time, but you virtually invalidate yourself as a person. “But”, “you must ask, “why would I ever do a thing like that to myself?”

FEAR: SOMETHING THA RESIDES IN YOU

Most of the reasons you’d give yourself for not operating from strength involve some kind of fear of “what will happen if…”. You may even admit that you are often “paralyzed by fear.” But what is it that you think comes from somewhere out of the blue and immobilizes you? If you started on a scavenger hunt today and you were told to bring back a bucket full of fear, you could look forever, but you’d always come home empty-handed. Fear simply does not exist out there in the world. It is something that you do to yourself by thinking fearful thoughts and having fearsome expectations. No one in this world can hurt you unless you allow it, and then of course you are hurting yourself.

You may be victimized because you’ve convinced yourself that some person won’t like you, or that some disaster will befall you, or that there are any of thousands of other excuses, if you do things your way. But the fear is internal, and is supported by a neat little system of thoughts which you cleverly use to avoid dealing directly with your self-imposed dread. You may express these thoughts to yourself in sentences like the following:

I’ll fail
I’ll look stupid
I’m unattractive
I’m not sure
They might hurt me
They might not like me
I’d feel too guilty
I’ll lose everything
They might get mad at me
U might lose my job
God won’t let me into heaven
Something bad will probably happen if I do
I know I’ll feel awful if I say that
I won’t be able to live with myself.

Thoughts like these betray and internal support system and maintain a fear-based personality which keeps you from operating from strength. Every time you reach inward and come up with one of these fear sentences, you’ve consulted your weakness mentality, and the victim stamp will soon be evident on your forehead.

If you have to have a guarantee that everything will be all right before you take a risk, you will never get off first base, because the future is promised to no one. There are no guarantees on life’s services to you, so you’ll have to toss away your panicky thoughts if you want to get what you want out of life. Moreover, almost all your fearful thoughts are purely head trips. The disasters you envision will rarely surface. Remember the ancient sage who said, “I’m an old man, and I’ve had many troubles, most of which have never happened.”

The brilliant English author and lexicographer Samuel Johnson once wrote,

All fear is painful, and when it conduces not to safety, is painful without use – Every consideration, therefore, by which groundless terrors may be removed, adds something to human happiness.

Johnosn’s words are still vital some two hundered years after he wrote them. If your fears are groundless, they are useless, and removing them is indispensable for you happiness.

EXPERIENCE AS AN ANTIDOTE TO FEAR

You cannot learn anything, undermine any fear, unless you are willing to DO something. Doing, the antidote to fear and most self-defeating behavior, is shunned by most victims who operate from weakness. But the maximum of education that makes the most sense to me is:

I hear: I forget
I see: I remember
I Do: I understand

You will never know what it feels like to get rid of a fear until you risk behavior that confronts it. Just as no one can teach you fear, no one can teach you not to be afraid. Your fears are your own unique sensations, and you alone are going to have to challenge them. You just have to get out there, grovel around, fail a lot, try this, change that – in a word, experiment. But can you really imagine that experimenting and experiencing, will decrease your wisdom and chances for success? If you refuse to give yourself the necessary experiences, you are saying to yourself, “I refuse to know”. And refusing to know will make you weak and assure your victimization by others.

You can’t know strengths unless you are willing to test yourself - and if all tests always succeeded, there would be no need for them, so you can’t stop testing whenever you fail. When you get to the point where you are willing to attempt anything that seems worthwhile to YOU (not them, you), then you will understand experience as the antidote to fear. Benjamin Disraeli, the witty nineteenth-century English statesman and author, said it quite succinctly in his earlier writings:

Experience is the child of Thought, and Thought is the child of Action. We cannot learn men form books.

First you think, and then you do, and only thirdly do you know. And that is how you challenge all the timidity that keeps you a victim.

COURAGE: A NECESSARY COMMODITY FOR NON-VICTIMS

Willingness to confront fear is called courage. You will find it very hard to overcome your fears unless you are willing to muster up some valor, even though you will find that you already posses it if you are willing to realize it.

Courage means flying in the face of criticism, relying on yourself, being willing to accept and learn from the consequences of all your choices. It means believing enough in yourself and in living your life as you choose so that you cut the strings whose ends other people hold and use to pull you in contrary directions.

You can make your mental leaps toward courage by repeatedly asking yourself: ”What is the worst thing that could happen to me if…?” When you consider the possibilities realistically, you will almost always find that nothing damaging or painful can happen when you take the necessary steps away from being a knee-jerk victim. Usually you will find that, like a child afraid of the dark, you are afraid of nothing, because nothing is the worst thing that could happen to you. Failing generally means ending up where you started, and while it may not be utopia, it is certainly a situation you can handle. Cora Harris, the American author, said it this say:

The bravest thing you can do when you are not brave is to profess courage and act accordingly.

I like the idea of professing courage, because the important thing to do is act, rather than to try to convince yourself of how brave you are or aren’t at any given moment.

UNDERSTANDING YOUR OPERATING-FROM-WEAKNESS DIVIDENDS

Any time you catch yourself paralyzed by fear – in a world, victimized – ask yourself: “What am I getting out of this?” Your first temptation will be to answer, “Nothing”. But go a little deeper and you’ll ask why people find it easier to be victims than to take strong stances of their own, to pull their own strings.

You can seemingly avoid a lot of risks, avoid ever “putting yourself on the spot”, by simply giving up and letting others take control. If things go badly you can blame whoever is pulling your strings, call them bad names, and neatly avoid your own greater responsibility. At the same time you can conveniently avoid having to change; you are “free” to remain a “good little victim”, getting regular dividends of phony approval from the victimizers of the world.

The payoff of weakness almost all come out of your avoidance of risks. Keep in mind that it is crucial for you to always be appraised of your own reward system, self-defeating though it may be, as you work toward improving the quality of your life in every behavioral and mental dimension.

NEVER PLACE ANYONE’S HEAD ABOVE YOUR OWN

If you are ready to give “operating form strength” a serious go, you will have to stop placing other people above yourself in value and worth. Whenever you give another person more prestige than you give yourself, you have set yourself yup to be victimized.

Strength is a word I used with a great amount of pre-thought. I’ve been careful to define it in explicit terms. Being cantankerous, unruly, obnoxious, deceitful, and the like is not advocated, since it will almost always turn away the very people you want to have help you. I am, of course, supportive of being able to be obnoxious if it is called for on extreme occasions. You just don’t have to be passive or weak as you walk through your life steps, and that is really the fundamental lesson of this chapter. Be a worthy, effective, self-important you, rather than a sniveling permission-seeking victim who believes that everyone is more important than you are.

ISN’T IT IRONIC – PEOPLE RESPECT STRENGTH

If you really want to be respected, take a hard look at those who are so expert at getting respect. You will quickly deduce that you will not gain anyone’s respect, including your own, by operating from weakness. You must set aside the idea that people will not like you if you behave assertively.

Whenever you find yourself standing up for what you believe and wondering what everyone else is thinking, rest assured that if you took a private poll, you would find almost everyone secretly pulling for you, and admiring your attitude of toughness. So not setting your goals according to which ones will win the immediate approval of others may, paradoxically, help you get their approval in the long run – and no one is denying that if feels better to receive approval than to be rejected. It might just be comforting to know that the people whose approval you are most concerned about are much more prone to respect you when you behave from your own convictions than when you simply tag along and do what is expected of you.

Suzet:

Welcome back to MB's and hopefully your surgery was successful with minimal or managable pain.

Your Dr. Dwyer article was excellent. It hits Dan's situation right on the head. With Dan's wife tetering back in force, it seems Dan should insist on his wife writing a NC and ending of the affair letter immediately. I think he could tell her if she doesn't write the letter and if she doesn't live up to the words in the letter, he will expose them immediately. If she refuses to write the letter, then he should expose immediately.

Even if Dan and his wife had a good weekend, one view of or smile from the OM will be enough to keep her heart with the OM. The fact that the Affair was a PA adds to the difficulty of undoing the feeling too.

I am glad you are back to assist Dan with his case. As you have read, I have even shown signs of frustrations in my posts in attempting to get him to do the important and necessary affair busting steps.

Are back to work now? Let us know how you are doing.

TooSoon

Toosoon, thanks for the welcome note! It’s good to be back and assist Dan and others again. My surgery was very successful and although there was much pain during the first 3 or 4 days, it was however manageable with the help of effective medication. Now, after more than 2 weeks I feel very good and ready to go back to work. Full recovery – like with any operation – takes 6 weeks, but I have a casual job (administrative) and I don’t need to stay at home all the time anymore. Before the surgery I was a bit scared, but everything goes well and the doctor is very satisfied with my recovery and the results of the operation. I’m relieved everything went well and is over now!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong> Your Dr. Dwyer article was excellent. It hits Dan's situation right on the head. With Dan's wife tetering back in force, it seems Dan should insist on his wife writing a NC and ending of the affair letter immediately. I think he could tell her if she doesn't write the letter and if she doesn't live up to the words in the letter, he will expose them immediately. If she refuses to write the letter, then he should expose immediately.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"></strong>

I agree with this 100%. I’m frustrated that Dan resists taking the right actions, but at the same time I understand his fears and that’s why I posted the Dr. Dwyer article. I really hope Dan can get something out of the article and that it will make him realize how important it is for his M – and especially for his own emotional and spiritual wellbeing - to take action and do what needs to be done to safe his M and end the A.

I understand what you saying about the fact that it will just take a smile and/or look from the OM to prevent recovery for Dan’s W… In my situation, accidental contact with OM slow down withdrawal and my personal recovery with months, so I can just imagine the effect of accidental contact in a situation where two people was involved in an EA and PA like Dan’s W. Such a situation call for very strong actions and efforts (as you have suggested above) to break this addiction and stop all contact.

Greetings,
Suzet

Hello Suzet- Welcome back!

I'm glad your operation was successful and you are on the road to recovery. I prayed for you all the time (that's all I seem to be doing!). TS has been a tower of stength while you were away, and now that your back you can be my twin towers.
Thanks for posting Dr. Dyer's "New Look At Strength" , although I have to sit down and read it again later to fully benefit from it, I get his drift. I also understand the importance of NC and accept your insistence for me to give the ultimatum now and not on the 11th of October. I have been mustering the courage to tell W to stop all contact and after reading TS's and your postings tonight I almost went to our bedroom where W is watching TV and tell her that she has to stop ALL CONTACT NOW. However I decided to do it tomorrow morning when we are alone. Our son is up and I don't want him to be around when this happens. I have not only been mustering the courage to do this, but a slow burning anger has been building up over the past few days about how she is trying to pull the wool over my eyes by saying she is stopping the A but carried on text messaging the OM. I have to tell her to tell him tomorrow by phone, text message, or a letter, that she is no longer prepared to keep the A going in whatever form. Or she has to leave. I am deeply saddened to have to do this, but I fully understand that if this carries on I will lose all self respect.
Yesterday we drove our daughter to university but brought her back home because I couldn't leave her there and she didn't want to stay either. I know it was just postponing the inevitable but I just had to bring her home. So she had one more night with us. Today, W, our son and I drove her back again. We stayed for a couple of ours in her room, but when it was time to go my baby started to cry and I had to summon all the strength I could muster not to cry too. I told her that she will be fine. She will feel homesick for the first couple of weeks but after that she wouldn't even want to come home. That wasn't much comfort for her because she wanted to feel fine now! Anyway I promised to pick her up this Saturday to spend the weekend with us. So she only has to wait 5 days. I hate goodbyes! I feel like I'm losing the two women I love most.
Well this is it. Tomorrow is DDay. No NC or I'll ask her to leave. Please pray for me and W. God Bless you both.