Hi all. Well WH has been "not living with OW" for over a year now. Just found out that they got thrown out of the place where they were "not living together". The owner of the place, who is a very devout Jew, got tired of their antics.

So they tried to pretend that they were still "not living together". That lasted about a week. Actually I have confirmed that they are "not living together" at my stepdaughters house.

Wh still denies this. But WH and OW are still there.

But my point is, me and WH are going into mediation to settle the financial things in 2 more days. I have done my homework and have a whole file of our previous agreements, and marital assets.

What I need is support to go through this. I am very afraid that I will not be able to maintain control of myself. I know WH will still continue to lie and deny. So please give me some ideas so that I can get thru the mediation calmly.

<small>[ August 23, 2004, 08:44 AM: Message edited by: believer ]</small>

Believer - I am doing same at present so I can hopefully offer some assistance or another perspective. WW has recently at my insistance gone to attorney to start drawing up of financial or separation agreement. She is also not seeing OP, it's all in my head;-). I am not sure how you feel about the continued attempts at to be deceiptful but the anger in me starts rising as a result so try to keep tyhe following in mind.
1.Stay calm - Keep the end game in mind. Irrespective of your feelings, getting angry will only antagonise your situation. Plan what it is that you want to achieve before the meeting and try to stick to it.
2. As hard as this may be - Keep WS on as good terms as possible for the mediation period.
3. Appeal to WS sense of fair play - Play the helpless victim (although to some degree you probably are) and play on his / her sympathy.
4. Try not to present your facts in a humiliating or cold and calculating manner (unless it's absolutely necessary). Your legal person should be able to give advice on this point.
5. Try not to show how smart you are or how much you know about what WS and OP have "NOT" been up to. I find that this has very negative effect on them.
Remember, in all likely hood you are not there as a result of your actions and you need to try and protect yourself from further injustice.
6. Make sure that you have an enjoyable activity and or a good friend to catch up with right after the mediation session. You don't want to go home to an empty place straight after..
Good luck and god bless!!

<small>[ August 17, 2004, 08:58 PM: Message edited by: B-trayed ]</small>

B-trayed - I am trying to get psyched up for this. I would really like to have the whole thing over. I have done my homework, and have advised my WH to do his. However, when he starts to deny all of the truth, I may lose it.

Maybe I need to get some tranquilizers first.

Beleiver - I agree that you defintely need to be prepared. Just don't let psyching up session turn into anger / rage. Once you acheive your goals and reach a successful outcome at the end of the process you can do whatever your heart desires. )You alone can define what a successful outcome is).
You may also need to be prepared in case your WS drag's his feet on this process, I know mine did / is. It seeemed that WS did not want to allow the process to progress and myself to move forward. So again be prepared for the stalling tactics. You know your WS quite well so you probably have a good idea about his likely actions in the session. I hope that I have understood what you were seeking.
If possible, do some strenuous exercise (running, punching a bag etc) in the lead up, it will help you remain clear and calm.
Go get him tiger!!

<small>[ August 17, 2004, 09:23 PM: Message edited by: B-trayed ]</small>

Believer, I can't give you much advice, but just send you my support for whatever you do. I am numbed very much and feel that I have no feeling anymore, which means whatever Wh deos won't hurt me. Istn't that great?

Believer,

When you find yourself ready to go off, remind yourself that you will be giving your foggy WH justification for his A.

He may tell his foggy-self "See, THIS is the exact reason I had an A. This is what I've had to put up with. She's a psycho, and unstable, and mean to me, and blah blah blah .... "

Do not alleviate his guilt, do not give him ammunition.

Good luck hon.
Jo

believer...

in lamaze class they teach that little trick of a focal point to take you away from the "pain" to that little happy place...

you need a little happy place on your person...

I suggest a brandy-new note book....
that you can take to jot notes on ...

and about twenty pages in to your note book..
you need some visual aides...

ones that make you laugh...
ones that make you feel good...

perhaps you can find a picture of the "fog"...and when his mouth in moving...flip and peek at your picture...

maybe a picture of his HARLEY!!!!!!!
tucked in there as well....

I use this trick at work all the time...when I am meeting with unhappy people...on the back of my name tag...is a cartoon clipping of dilberts dog waving a stick with the caption..
"out out you demons of stupidity!!"

do a search on your favorite cartoons...print one out and put it on a page....
something to distract you when his mouth is moving..

something that calms you
something that grounds you....
something that takes you out of that mediation he@@ and puts you where you want to be...

find a couple of things.....
find your focal point....


remember the tv show matchgame....
write things like
my husband is so dumb...
(how dumb is he?") yells the audiance
my husband is so dumb when he __________________s
he really _________________________________s.

fill in the blanks as the time goes on...

don't let anyone else see it.
find your self
ground your self...

ARK

I am new at this so I don't have great advice but I can tell you that I will be praying for you.
Psalm 61:2
I call as my heart grows faint; lead me to the rock that is higher than I.

believer,

One of the good things about mediation (and I hope yours is organized this way) is that you don't sit face to face with your spouse. You and your atty are in one room....he and his in another. The mediator goes between so it does help diffuse the situation somewhat. I have a friend who is doing this today....and she is far more volatile than you are. That may not seem possible, but you'll have to trust me on this! Hugs chere....you'll make it through...I believe in you!

Believer -

I love Arks idea of the notebook to keep your mind in a happy place, to help defuse any possible anger/sadness.

I find it hilarious that they still deny living together. Every time you write how they are "not living together" makes me laugh out loud.

I don't know how you keep from laughing in his face. Yes try to find the humour in his behaviour...there is definately humour there.

believer, i too don't know what to say. but you asked for support so i want to give you some because you are just such a sweetheart and i know that this is very painfuly and trying for you and you are just doing the best that you can.

my POV is more along the lines of what resilient says that you just cannot give your H or the A any ammunition. they don't deserve any help at all and that's exactly what the ammunition would do, is to help them. just think of it as "if this is the one thing that it will take for me to come out on top" then that's what you have to do to keep yourself in control. i also liked ark's focal point suggestion and maybe w/the combination of these 2 you'll will be home free.

at any rate though believer, you have been thrown into a situation that should not have happened, that is not fair, and is emotionally demanding and unbearable at times. continue to look to God for guidance, start and end each day w/prayer and pray for these mediations sessions that God would make these plain for you in what you are supposed to do. continued prayers to you, RR

perhaps you can find a picture of the "fog"...and when his mouth in moving...flip and peek at your picture...

SEE!! You ~ARE~ talking about hair flipping, aren't you!

maybe a picture of his HARLEY!!!!!!!
tucked in there as well....

But cut out a picture of a monkey, and put HIM on the Harley!

I use this trick at work all the time...when I am meeting with unhappy people...on the back of my name tag...is a cartoon clipping of dilberts dog waving a stick with the caption..
"out out you demons of stupidity!!"

OK OK OK

I think I just discovered my new sig line <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Going to my happy place now~~~~~~

Pep <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

~~~~~ Believer .... follow Ark's advice..... she's crazy, and she's correct. A neat-o combination.

<small>[ August 18, 2004, 09:03 AM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

here it is...
the link to the demons of stupidity...

I just have the last frame..

shrunk...
enlarged...
taped to my computer at work..
on the fridge at home..

it's alllll good...

demons of stupidity

ark

Believer -

After listening to how you handle your WH these past 18 months, I was more worried you were going to lose control of yourself and laugh out loud, and very hard - probably while you have a huge gulp of Coke in your mouth.

I'm more concerned your mediator is going to get sprayed with mouth-soda than that you are going to freak out in a negative way.

BUT, you know yourself best. In that notebook, I would also jot down some inspirational quotes that I'm sure you have accumulated along the way.

OR, perhaps Dilbert can simply exorcise the stupidity demon from your WH.

Whatever you do, whatever happens, I support you. You are awesome, funny, kind, have the hugest heart, and are an all around great person. I wish nothing but the best for you.

You are in my thoughts and prayers.

SS

edited to add: Oh yeah! I was in Anaheim (sp?) this past weekend. We went to West Coast Choppers to meet Jesse James - it was his day off, bummer. Is that near you? I was looking for a Believer!

<small>[ August 18, 2004, 09:21 AM: Message edited by: Spider Slayer ]</small>

I have a more simple take on things like this. You CAN'T do it yourself. I know I can't so I don't even try.

(I'm taking your user name at face value here.)

Before you go into the building get to a quiet place and pray "Not my will but yours be done Lord" Then give it over and you won't have to do it by yourself!

Not that the other ideas won't help, but in my experiance, nothing works without Him.

Thanks guys. I will pray about it and also take a notebook. I'm printing out some cartoons from that site, and also taking some of my Far-Side favorites. I really think that will help.

At least I feel prepared.

ARRRRGH!!!!! Sorry just venting. I got everything ready for the mediation tomorrow - worked all week on it. Even got a new notebook and put cartoons in it to help me get thru tomorrow.

Well, got home from work tonight and WH left this letter:

Believer -

I have to cancel the mediation appointment I made. I just can't deal with it right now. I'm not going to take anything from you, and I'm not going to move in on you.

I realize why you got a roommate, you needed the money.

I don't want a divorce and if you do, then maybe you can start the mediation procedure. I'm sorry for all of this indecision, all I want is a roof over my head and a place I can think some things through. I am truly sorry for all of this.

With Love,
Mr. Believer

So now what? This guy has had 19 months to think this over. What is you guys' take on this???????

I think the demons of stupidity are wrapped so tightly around his kahoonas that there is no oxygen getting to his brain..... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

and remember believer you did ask...

love ya!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ARK
why,... is that Audrey Hepburn I hear singing in the background?...

all I want is a room somewhere...
far away from the cold damp air..
ohhh wouldn't it be luverly....

ark -

Thanks for the reply. I am torn. He has had plenty of time to make up his mind. Come on, he doesn't work, and has nothing to do all day cept boink OW.

Meanwhile I work, have my own business, and am busy all the time. But I'm tired of all of this. To hear that he "can't deal with all of it right now" drives me insane.

I think he may realize that he is making a huge mistake, but on the other hand, he does not want to give up OW.

make the appointment yourself...

have you had enough yet....
his living with her while boldly fibbing about it...

hinges on scary....

what do YOU want believer..inspite of and regardless of him..

could you
would you even take him back after all this...

ARK