GC, i'm coping with this thourgh the support of MB, a few family members, a few friends, and through the grace of God. my tricks to holding onto my feelings? well i still feel things all over the spectrum, but i would have to say it's through prayer and God. i have truly realized i can't control my H or the situation and do realize (even though some may disagree) that it may not be God's will that my M be rebuilt. but until things become more clear (like a D goes through no matter what i do) then i'm still going to continue what i'm doing which basically is just praying a lot, sleeping, working, and watching TV.

i have found myself saying things in my head about my H and just the total ignorance and gall he has to just feel like he can stop talking to me and walk away and that will cause everything to go away. also that the court may not make him take some of the bills, etc. because he is a student and doesn't make very much at his job. but there's nothing that i can do about it and hopefully my lawyer will help me on these technical issues.


Zizzy, i did get that book by dr. dobson and read it some months ago, it's just not a tactic i can do. we don't have kids, we don't live in the same state, and now he's not even talking to me. some may not feel like i'm taking a high road but i'm taking the only road for me. i'm going to use my H's plan B to not communicate to him unless necessary but if he thinks i'm just going to slip away he's got another thing coming.

I HAVE LET HIM GO, what i haven't let go is the fact that if we worked on things together that we could rebuild our M and have one that's better than it ever was. i'm actually doing very little when it comes to my H. maybe i haven't really come off that way here but that's true. once my H files for a D there's nothing i can do to stop it so i feel like if a D comes through no matter what i do to slow it down, etc. then that makes things pretty clear for me and on i will go for by the grace of God go I.

RR,

I'm starting to see glimmers of hope with you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> About time!

I'm glad that you are going to the lawyer tomorrow to get legal advice. Remember, you need to protect yourself and take care of #1 and that is RR.

One thing that struck me in one of your postings is when you said that you like the person that you have become and you do not want to go back to where you were before. I think I understand what you mean by that, but at the same time, I also feel that you may have been a bit too passive. I know that it is difficult for you because under no circumstances do you want to come across as controlling like you have in the past, but you know what, do not sacrifice your spunk and personality over this. Do not become complacent and timid. I think your spunk and feistiness is what attracted your husband to you initially. Remember when you said that he said OW reminded him of the "old RR". I'm certain that OW is not complacent and timid. It is not okay to be controlling and self-absorbed, but it is okay to show some personality, RR.

Your H is trying to push you in the corner because he KNOWS you and he thinks that you will eventually crack and file for D yourself. Let HIM do it. You just protect yourself and continue working on being a better RR than ever.

I really have a lot of hope for you, RR and I think that you have a terrific life ahead of you whether it is with him or someone else. I'm almost inclined to say that you deserve so much more and so much better than your WH, but I know that you love him and of course you know him best and you will be the one who will know in the end if there is a potential for a better marriage or not.

I just don't want you to give up your personality over this. Think about it, okay?

Kati

I just feel you have been there for him.

I think it is about time you let him THINK that you are moving on. You can pretend...no??

You have tried the " i won't let you go without a fight" tactic...it does not work. I have tried that...even text message the same thing to OW...i thought that if i declare my strong love for WH, he might oneday see that.

But you know what...at the end of the day...it is only me that gets the hurt and disappointment. I guess you may not have reach this point yet. I think you will know when you have had enough.

For now...dont think too much and take care of yourself.

RR, my problem with protecting my heart, what worries me, is the kind of information that's coming to me about my WW's new lifestyle. She's shacked up with OM (after telling me last month "It's stupid to be playing house"). And of course, she's working hard to rip this family apart.

I hope for her redemption, but I don't know if what I love, miss, and want back is her or what we used to have together. How can I know?

I hope for you that you can dump your guilt, RR. You've earned the right to unload it and leave it behind.

GC

<small>[ August 24, 2004, 07:40 AM: Message edited by: graycloud ]</small>

kati,
how right you are and i even talked about this w/SH. that i wasn't even sure who i was anymore even though i liked the changes that have occurred inside me that some of the things that says who i am and why my H fell in love w/me are not necessarily there anymore. SH put it this way, he said that the way i was is not a way of life for me anymore. that i am able to control LB's, AO's, DJ's in every situation (well i try anyway) and that is good and will just make things better for me in all areas of my life not just my M.

I even talked w/SH about my feistiness, one of the things that my H said he fell in love w/and liked. SH said that i can still be that way (i know i don't have to have his permission) but that there is a time and place to be stubborn and assertive, even agressive. but again, just so that those attributes are not how i conduct myself all the time. i was notorious for hanging up on people when i was talking w/them. i haven't done that in a really long time (years) but i used to do it all the time, especially w/my H but also w/my mom, sister, other people, etc. SH said that when it came time for a D or whatever that was the time to be more assertive/agressive and now it looks like that time has come.

like i said i have an appt w/a lawyer this morning. i have to do it over the phone because it has to be a florida lawyer. i still refuse to file for the D myself. it's just what my H wants me to do and i'm not going to give him the satisfaction. now if/when he does file exactly how much i will really try to slow things down i don't know, the money is a big factor. but i hope to get more of an idea of how things work today and i'll let everyone know how it goes.

there is lots of hope in me but maybe i'm just not very good and conveying that here <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Zizzy,
maybe it's the wrong attitude but like i said to kati above, i refuse to file for a D because that's what my H wants, somehow in someway that would make me to be the badguy and relieve some of the feelings he has having whether or not their guilt or just because he's a conflict avoider or not i just don't know. i think you're right though i think it may be time to start letting my H know or make him think that i'm moving on and that i'm not crying myself to sleep each night (which i'm not!) and if he actually talks to me again and asks how i'm doing i will say okay, fine, great, etc. and not what i have been saying which is i'm struggling and i'm not okay.

don't worry guys i am still pretty spunky deep down and i have just been strategic in what i've done and will continue to be that way but at each stage you need to revise your strategy and i think it's time to do just that. continued prayers to everyone, RR

<small>[ August 24, 2004, 08:03 AM: Message edited by: roughroad ]</small>

RR, thinking of you and prayed for you. Hope everything goes well with your lawyer appt.

Graycloud,
like i've said before as something that has helped me through all this is that i haven't been subjected to knowing what's going on because i live in another state. there are certainly pro's and cons to the situation but i think the pros outweigh just because of what you said. there is some truth to "out of sight out of mind." anytime i start to think about the 2 of them whether it be physically or thier recreational activities or my H setting up house somewhere i just put it out of my mind and that's been my protective mode is just not to allow it to happen and i pray frequently for those thoughts never to come into my head in the first place.

i also want my h's redemption like you do for your W. i pray everyday and often for my H to do God's will in his life. i know for a fact that it's not God's will for my H to be having an A. now whether or not it's for us to be back together i don't know. it's been so long for us to have had really anything together that's worth missing that it has me really conflicted about what i want a lot of the times. maybe that's a big difference between you and i is that the last 4 years have not been good and things were off and on prior to that. of course we were forced to have to deal w/a lot of separations because of the military and now i realize more than ever the ramifications of separations can cause regardless of how short/long they are and if they were mandatory. if i start to think about these type of things i just think a little on how things will be different in the future because of what i know now.

i think you guys and God have been successful in helping to relieve some of my guilt. i have really thought over the past few days of this and how i really need to give this up. i made mistakes, i didn't know any better, i had never been married before and i was barely 18 when i did get married. as much as i have taken responsibility for my part of the marriage breakdown. my H gave me little to go on over the years. i think the only time that i will be able to talk to about this w/him is if we are in recovery. i was thinking about this a lot in the past 24 hours and how my H really is and if i would be able to continue to deal w/him the way he is after all that i've been through.

my h has so many issues, so many i can't even go into them here but you know he has a lot of work for himself as well. again, that's why i really don't think about recovery because there is going to be such much work and heartache in that process that i'd rather just cross the bridge when it comes. especially when i know that there could be someone out there who will love and respect me for who i am right now, not all i didn't do in a M or whether i weigh a certain weight, basically someone who is a lot more mature then my H is and not need the constant attention and hand holding that my H needs.

but i'm not going to just give up at this point either because i know if we did work TOGETHER we could have a marriag that was better then before and i think it would be worth it, RR