Maybe some consider this as kicking a man when he is down but I don't see it as that. This is a situation OM chose to be in. He has chosen to involve himself with Bob's wife, a life of deception and treachery. OM decided this is how he wanted his life to be. Yes it would be a terrible thing if OM's son did pass, but bad things happen to everyone and rarely do they come when we want them to. More times than not we learn from experience or not using our common sense rather than from other people's advice.

Maybe I'm becoming cynical, maybe I am one of the discouraging and mean posters that some seem to think have run amuck through out these boards but sitting on this info (proof) seems like a mistake to me.

I say give it to his GF and let HER make the decision to confront or wait till after the funeral. Bob, do your part, give her the letters and then put the effort that was going towards them and this decision to you and your M.

God Bless

Doug

I may lose my wife to this reptile because of this proofed exposure
Wrong Bob. You would not lose your wife because of exposure.
You would lose your wife because she's having an affair.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Belonging to Nowhere:
<strong> I don't believe in that method... (unless I wanted to hurt OP's FAMILY as mine was hurt!, and don't think I'd do that either... I could hurt just person who hurt me, directly!, not their family's members..)


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Bob Pure:
<strong>Deliberately visiting the trauma I suffered as a result of this affair upon an innocent girl? You think I could revenge pleasure in that ?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No, never thought so...
You told her already, if she wants to see, she already knows and is already hurt...

She's "just" collateral damage, poor thing...
And who really cares about that nowadays? :-( </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">BTN I am sorry but I do not understand your point of view here. I have hurt NO-ONE. OM and WW have done all the hurting.

If someone steals your car is it the thief who is guilty or the policeman that tells you ?

Affairs only exist under cover of lies and fantasy. WW and OM chose deliberately to perform acts which they knew would hurt their loved ones.

And you say I am hurting the OM GF just by telling her what they have done?

Do you thunk it is a kindness to let her continue to live in ignorance of what her life partner has done and is capable of?

I really do not understand you, sorry.

If YOU were the betrayed partner of an affairee, wouldn't YOU want to know the truth ?

I would.

Bob and Doug and Chris,
AMEN BROTHERS!!

BelongingTN,

About exposure. My W had a 2 1/2 year affair.

The OM's wife found out about the A soon after the EA became a PA (04/03). She called my W and went off on her. She threatened to call me and tell me. W and OM begged, pleaded and finally convinced her not to tell me. W and OM told OM's wife the A was over, etc.

They started it up soon after (a week, a month?)

I wish she had called me!! I found out Memorial Day 2004!! And it was still going on!!

I SAY ALWAYS EXPOSE!! Save the BS's.

Hope this isn't a thread jack. It is relevant to the current discussion, correct?
k

<small>[ August 23, 2004, 02:17 PM: Message edited by: krusht ]</small>

I would say expose. Your wife and OM could have convinced girlfriend nothing was going on. Love will make you beleive a lie. Please give girlfriend the proof. She deserves it.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Bob Pure:
[If YOU were the betrayed partner of an affairee, wouldn't YOU want to know the truth ?

I would. [/QB]</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I would too.

The simple fact here is that there are TWO betrayed parties involved.

I my opinion, the information possessed by Bob is the property of both Bob and the other man's partner. Both betrayed spouses are equally involved. As such, any information should be shared by both.

My wife and I continue to pray for your situation Bob. I am very proud of the way you have conducted yourself.

Gimble

If YOU were the betrayed partner of an affairee, wouldn't YOU want to know the truth ?
She already knows the truth.
I'm not saying she shouldn't know. I AM saying she does know and chooses to do what she has already done. Not much.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
She already knows the truth.
I'm not saying she shouldn't know. I AM saying she does know and chooses to do what she has already done. Not much. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">She has decided to try to reconcile with her betraying partner. Thats all I am doing. I wouldn't dismiss that as 'not much' Chris.

I agree with Genia, it's VERY likely your WW and OM have convinced GF that nothing is going on, and may even have convinced her that you are some sort of unstable person. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

As I said Bob, do what you can live with years from now when looking back, having no regrets.

Perhaps ask yourself, "Will my actions or words stand the test of time?"

Lv,
Jo

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Belonging to Nowhere:
<strong> I don't believe in that method... (unless I wanted to hurt OP's FAMILY as mine was hurt!, and don't think I'd do that either... I could hurt just person who hurt me, directly!, not their family's members..)

</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">BTN, you have things backwards. Bob is not talking about "hurting" her, but about helping her by telling the truth. She will be hurt by the AFFAIR, not by the truth.

If your neighbor's bookkeeper is embezzling money from him do you not tell him because you don't "want to hurt him?" Of course not, because that would be ridiculous. A decent, compassionate person would go warn his neighbor. It would be immoral to not tell him.

It is the same principle with this affair. Yes, she has been told, but the OM and the WW have convinced the GF that nothing took place and Bob has a moral obligation to ensure she knows the truth.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Bob Pure:
<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
She already knows the truth.
I'm not saying she shouldn't know. I AM saying she does know and chooses to do what she has already done. Not much. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">She has decided to try to reconcile with her betraying partner. Thats all I am doing. I wouldn't dismiss that as 'not much' Chris. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Again, <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> sigh.
So you want them to NOT reconcile?

Bob, I really don't understand what you are trying to get across.

She knows what has occured. She has decided that it doesn't really matter (this is what I meant by she has chosen to do not much).
She has made a decision to stay with her bf.
Giving her "proof" of something she already knows about will do what?
As much as you want everything to explode on them, it may not. All you can do is expose it and let the chips fall where they may. And so far, not much has happened.

If you want to send the proof, send it. I don't believe it will hurt the situation (but I don't think it will do anything in your favor, either. That is why I say don't bother).

<small>[ August 23, 2004, 03:00 PM: Message edited by: Chris -CA123 ]</small>

double post!

<small>[ August 23, 2004, 03:04 PM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

Chris I seem to be a great disappointment to you.
sorry.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I am not trying to be dumb. I don't care if OM & GF reconcile or not. I just want he affair to end so my WW and I can see if we can reconcile ourselves.

I think OM GF should know that there is still contact between OM and WW , maybe more than the proof as I guarantee OM will have told her its all over. OM GF needs to know that it is not.

Chris, I think what you're missing is that WW and OM are still in contact and have gone to great lengths to do damage control, minimizing the perceived severity of the affair to OM/GF.

She deserves to know conclusively that both WW and OM have lied to her and continue to lie, so that she can decide based on FULL knowledge, with PROOF on how her future goes and who she goes with.

Bob's marriage is guaranteed terminal if he doesn't disclose. His wife's disrespect for him and her children is AMAZZZZZINGGGG!!! Reminds me of a certain OW in my life (waaaaayyyyy back into my childhood), grieving the death of the OM and I, as a nine-year old child scratching my head, going, what's with my mother???? This OM was just a car-pool buddy to MY DAD - what was he to her?? We all saw it. I don't know who else has put two and two together, but I knew, even if my dad was totally clueless.

(Forums such as these can sometimes be difficult to get the point across correctly)

Bob, I didn't say YOU were a disappointment.
Just that I do not understand what you were trying to accomplish (by your wording).

Yes, expose the affair.
If contact is ongoing, tell the gf.
Again, don't be to osurprised if she does not do much (as in get pissed off at om).

Some people can be in a relationship while knowing their partner is having an affair.

Chris,

Although Bob exposed the A to OM's GF, OM and Bob's WW both denied the A to OM's GF - AND, as another poster pointed out - OM and Bob's WW very likely convinced GF that Bob is crazy and nothing at all is going on. How many times has that happened to those of us on this Board - (in my case MANY) - even when confronted with absolute proof many of our WS' have denied the A. In this instance, the OM's letters to Bob's WW prove the A in black and white - a little hard to deny.

Moreover, even if OM's GF DID believed Bob, she and OM went on a "let's recover our relationship" trip. If she DID believe Bob, I am sure she now believes that all contact between OM and Bob's WW has ended...I know I so desperately wanted to believe that and, in fact, did - several times! Yet, despite what were most likely promises of no further contact, OM is still in contact w/ Bob's WW. At a minumum, OM's GF needs to know that - that contact continues.

Regards,

Brit's Brat/BS-43
WS-45
DS-almost 3
D-Day: May 2002 - 20+ false recoveries and promises of no contact over a 2 year period.
Status: Divorce final May 2004.

Brit's Brat

You have summed everything up perfectly.

You have described the course Bob is presently on, and he is executing the plan as flawlessly as could be expected.

Bob, you have an uncanny knack for getting to the crux of the matter, and you are doing an enviable job of enduring a mess greater than anyone deserves. Some of this will make more sense if/when the death of the OM's son is actually confirmed. I guess I mean that your direction may be more easily determined, if indeed, his son met a tragic end.

My hat's off to you and your efforts. Stay focused and strong. You have a ton of support here, and everyone has your best interest at heart, even if there are some "misses" included in the mix of posts. It's your "show" and you call the shots. Everyone here bases their posts on their own experience or education. You've handled this with integrity and class. No one can take that from you, regardless of the outcome.

Continue being a great father, and a strong, safe place for WW to land. She's already in descent!

Prayers again,
SD

SD said :
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
You've handled this with integrity and class. No one can take that from you, regardless of the outcome.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Gimble Said :
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
My wife and I continue to pray for your situation Bob. I am very proud of the way you have conducted yourself.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I have not been so proud of praise since my parents died. Truly.
I am just doing the best I can do with my weak faith, the obvious help of God and enabling strangers.

While I may lose my WW, I will not lose my self-respect. That is something WITHIN my control in this mess.

But y'know - I don't think God would be mobilising events in this way if we are not destined to be together and stronger than ever.

Thank you everyone for your continued support of this stranger. You humble me and make me thank God for his agents on earth.

Bottom line:

OM's GF deserves to have all the information or all the "pieces to the puzzle" so that she can make an informed decision as to how she wants to live her life. IMHO, it is unethical to not let her decide about her own life.

Hi
For those concerned that revealing evidence to the OM GF will hurt her.

I am a BS. Or at least I was. I initially discovered the affair. My H managed to convince me that it was nothing much just a slip or two. Look at my signature line. The truth was a 13 year relationship.

When he had managed to convince me that it was just a "fling" I was in full self blame as I knew that due to his distancing from me that I had not been an ideal wife and was completely blaming myself for the lot. Any attempt to repair my marriage based on this false assumption and continued deceit would in my opinion have been futile as there would still have been a wall of silence between us and the issues ran a whole lot deeper than I am sure we would have discovered.

The fact was I had known that there was something wrong with our relationship for a lot of years and just couldn't work out what that was. Any attempt to discuss it with my H ended with me feeling crazy or guilty for asking for a more loving relationship.

Well in a fit of revenge after my H ended the relationship with the OW she called me and filled me in on the true extent and involvement of the affair with plenty of evidence to prove it, as well as attitudes and issues about our relationship that my H had discussed with her but had never raised or denied to me.

Her motive was not pure. She told me she wanted to hurt H and me. Hoewver I thank her as I really don't think this marriage would have survived without the full truth.It also gave H a great lesson about the need to be more truthful and from then on he was only too willing to answer hard questions etc

Sure it hurt like hell, but it relieved me and helped me enormously. I realised that I was not crazy, that I hhad not been all to blame, and so much of my former life began to make sense. It also gave us the opportunity to discuss and work on the issues that had tainted our marriage.

Her exposure saved our marriage. Yet her motive wasn't even to help us, just to hurt us.

So I think what Bob is doing is correct. And he is doing it out of love in effort to save his marriage. I think it will be a gift to the OM GF. She has a right to know as much truth as she can. This will give her a chance to make decisions for herself about what to do with her slife in a greater undersatanding of what her life is.

C&S