Bob,

Very interesting turn of events. WAT had a good point, and I'd like to bring up another. In the interest of Radical Honesty and Openness, it may well be that you should copy your WW on this letter.

You've been through the fire already, and I hate to suggest that you take yet another hike through the heat, but this is a question that should be addressed.

I'm throwing this as a question, not a recommendation at this time. I'll defer to the "heavy hitter's" opinions on this one.

Personally I liked your letter, but like WAT, it may "force" OM to react in an unexpected manner.

You'd look good on the Plan A poster, by the way, and have the pic taken by your car when it's out of the shop!

SD

<small>[ August 24, 2004, 10:46 AM: Message edited by: shattered dreams ]</small>

B*O*B

My question was a genuine question ... a (for real) "Did you or didn't you?" query. I did not mean to imply that you ~should have~ sent it to KF at this time....

Just so you know....

Pep <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

Pep, no I didn't copy the karate folks NOR the charity <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I still have to think & pray about all that. My WW says OM is a decent man if i got to know him and they didn't plan this A.

As angry as I am perhaps this is true... ?

Dunno. Need to think & pray. and Pray & Think. And Pray.


...And think.

I'll disagree with FH here a bit.

Just like workplace exposure, exposing him the the karate klub could be justified on the premise that affair exposure is intended to make continuation of the affair uncomfortable - same as any other exposure. But also like workplace exposure, in this case this is on the outer rings of the concentric circle exposure approach, with corresponding diminshing returns.

WAT

Bob, a couple of other thoughts.

Do you have a plan for OM's reaction? How long do you give him to respond with the requested letter? What if it never comes? What if he sends it to appease you, and the "secret cell phone" still exists and receives calls?

My concern is this. By sending the e-mail to OM, you have given up some control, and have given it to OM. What he does now is beyond your control.

"You will do ANYTHING to save your family". Certainly not to veiled a "threat". What extent will he go to to keep "cake-eating"? Does he now feel personally threatened?

Bob, please don't take this post as criticism. I'm way on your side. Have been from the start. I just hope the e-mail you sent (edited to say) doesn't start something unexpected, and harder to deal with than what's currently on your plate!

Wishing you the best
SD

<small>[ August 24, 2004, 10:54 AM: Message edited by: shattered dreams ]</small>

All

I had to do something. This is what a night of prayer produced.

If it doesn't work ( and I don't expect it will) , I will consider my options. I meant it when I said I will do ANYTHING. No veil intended. Its only a threat if OM continues his contact. If he DOES he will reap the whirlwind. I am way past being a doormat.

I WILL protect my family.

<small>[ August 24, 2004, 11:04 AM: Message edited by: Bob Pure ]</small>

This is where this site can be so detrimental to people. Disagreeing is one thing; losing sight over someone's REAL life decision, with REAL feelings, REAL pain, REAL tragedy, and a REAL decision that could set a precedence for the rest of someone's REAL life...

Bob, I've read so many of your posts. I am in awe at how far you have come. I am in awe at how strong of a man you have become. Maybe I'm being a little arrogant here, but I hope we--all of the MB'ers--helped you somehow work through these last few days. ONLY YOU KNOW WHAT WOULD BE BEST FOR BOB PURE. And the faith you have shown...leave it in my Lord's hands. He answers; He always does. We are all human; alot of the time acting solely on our emotions. Some of the posts here? I thought at times it looked like a bunch of WS's having a conference! (Please, no disrespect. But the fog was tremendous.) And, Bob, you still faught through even the fog you were receiving here.

I am *NOT* saying anybody was wrong or right. Just the fact that some posted without even taking into consideration *all* of the facts; some posts purely out of emotion. And the one *we* were trying to help, IMHO, we just left on the sidelines looking in saying, "My goodness! How do I work through *this* now? I still don't know what to do!"

For what it's worth from me, I am in awe you are working through this, Bob.

My WW says OM is a decent man if i got to know him and they didn't plan this A
Almost every affair is "not planned".

"My WW says OM is a decent man if i got to know him and they didn't plan this A."

Their is nothing even remotely decent in what this man is doing. He is hurting many people with his lie's, including but not limited to his own GF and children. They may or may not haved planned this affair, but they did plan to be parents, spouses, live-in BF's.

How you can separate your actions from the basic person that you are is beyond me. He may one day be decent, but now he is not. As my late dad used to say, "you don't get to pick & choose when you get to be an *******, you either are or you are not"

Anyway back to marriage building for you, just had to butt in over that comment.

Gadzooks, Bob!

"My WW says OM is a decent man if i got to know him and they didn't plan this A.

As angry as I am perhaps this is true... ?"

No, this is not perhaps true.

FH: That was an excellent post back there on page 6, I believe. You intelligently raise some subtle concerns in these very difficult, painful si2ations. This parallels my own right now. I was thinking I'd have 2 expose 2 RM's coworkers, since I was told by my W that contact resumed after my "beer bargain" offer a few months back. About then, Penny had advised I be prepared 2 do so if "blatant contact" resumed, so I was half expecting that she'd advise it when I called her yes2rday. She didn't, though. In my case, it was more clear-cut as 2 why she didn't, than it would be in Bob's sitch - the A has been OVER for a long time in our case, but the attempts 2 save the "friendhship" have sporadically continued. The important thing, though, is that it's rocky even when the infrequent contact happens. I just sometimes wish I had a good pair of binoculars so I could watch the comical train wreck in progress... ...but then I'd be succumbing 2 drama again, and I've got better things 2 do. My own "targets" 2 aim for, if you will.

I loved that letter Bob sent 2 the OM, but that's my drama king speaking. I'd love 2 send one like that 2 RM, but I haven't. Might someday, though. I won't promise anybody that I won't. Would depend very much on what's happening at the time. Reading Bob's letter sure got the adreniline going, and maybe it's going 2 have the desired effect. But maybe it won't. WAT's certainly right in that it's risky 2 try 2 appeal 2 the conscience of a liar and a cheat.

And who knows? Maybe OM will be a "decent man" someday. Maybe he is now, but now he's certainly not behaving in a decent manner.

Yep, Bob, the issue is your R with your W. Be careful not 2 burn 2 many calories on stirring the beehive over at OM's house. But do be watchful and alert.

-ol' 2long

Hey Bob, I think your decision was a good and that your letter was superb. I hope he does follow through and gives you some room to take a breath. Good job, my friend. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

BOB,

Must I stay up all night to keep up with events??

I agree with "bargaining" with the OM about the no contact...I guess.

What happens when you back a rat into a corner with no escape?? May want to watch out for the unexpected.

One scenario is that he shows the email to your W and all heck breaks loose. But then what $$ gain would he achieve by doing this?

I still think it hinges on his GF, the meal ticket. He cannot lose this.

Good luck with it. Loved your email to him!!
k

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'll disagree with FH here a bit.

Just like workplace exposure, exposing him the the karate klub could be justified on the premise that affair exposure is intended to make continuation of the affair uncomfortable - same as any other exposure. But also like workplace exposure, in this case this is on the outer rings of the concentric circle exposure approach, with corresponding diminshing returns.

WAT </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">WAT, I don't disagree with what you said. My only point is that with the issuance of the ultimatum, there is no good reason to "stir the pot" further. One of the conditions laid down was no contact even at Karate tournaments.

With Bob's objective being to end the affair, the ball is in the OM's court now. Along with contacting the GF if OM continues contact with Bob's wife, the next logical step would be to inform the necessary Karate folks, because we would then be back to attempting to end the affair.

Bob,

If there is no response from OM in the time allowed I would follow it up with a phone call directly to him.

"Did you get my email?" "And your answer??"

Simple and direct, with no wiggle room.
k

This does not require a lot of effort on your part Bob.

I agree with "bargaining" with the OM about the no contact
Don't bargain at all. Simply lay it out. Whether he agrees or not is irrelavent. If he does not contact your wife. The end.
If he contacts your wife, tell everyone.

If there is no response from OM in the time allowed I would follow it up with a phone call directly to him.

"Did you get my email?" "And your answer??"

Simple and direct, with no wiggle room.
And when he still doesn't reply or tries to argue, then what?
How many times should he try to get his point across to om? I say "one time only".

OM has until after the funeral which is on Monday according to WW. This is my personal timing. I have not given him any timing. will call him then to ascertain his intention.

Then , to quote a fellow English Midlander (Shakespeare) :

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
Cry 'Havoc!" and let slip the dogs of war !
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I will prepare plan B fully for then just in case.

I think I must strike while the iron is hot. I will never have a better chance to get OM to call off the A I don't think. I reserve the right to change my mind but right now I expose to every useful authority after then. I am undecided about OM GF as my reasoning still applies.

Bob - I'm not sure I understand what you mean by "has until Monday"

Has that much time to establish no contact?

Has that much time to turn more to your wife during his time of pain, than the girlfriend with whom he fathered a child and to his son who is grieving the loss of a brother????

Please clarify.

I would suggest making it a matter of prayer, but if there is further contact after RIGHT NOW, I would consider it an in-your-face violation of your request.

Kayla,
I think Bob was answering my post.

It's the time to respond to Bob's email to the OM about the NC.
k

<small>[ August 24, 2004, 01:35 PM: Message edited by: krusht ]</small>

double post, sorry!

<small>[ August 24, 2004, 01:47 PM: Message edited by: krusht ]</small>

Bob,

The OM may agree to the NC, but what about your W?? She could still foggily pursue, unfortunately.

k