I came home from work Thursday opened the junk drawer in our kitchen and saw WW's old cell phone.
For some reason I picked it up and began searching through it. Well,, under saved messages I saw a message titled "I LOVE YOU". I was praying it was from me our my wifes Dad or Mom.
When I opened it there was a picture of a rose and it read:
"I LOVE YOU AND THIS ROSE WILL NEVER DIE, JUST LIKE MY LOVE FOR YOU"
I knew then it was from OM I clicked on the detail button and sure enough it was from him.
Even though this message was old it brought me down because my wife chose to save it in her phone,,, one of only 2 messages she had saved. It also hurt because wife allways stated and still does to this day that love was never confided between the two of them in any way.
Well, it ruined pretty much my whole day and I am still reflecting on it today.
How much feeling should I put in to this finding?
Wifes reaction was: "That was a long time ago and he used to allways do that (send love messages) to my phone,, it was the only time he ever expressed love for me"
Input?????

How's recovery going?

She didn't keep that message by accident you can bet.

GC

Dear Eric,

It has been my experience that our WS will tell us whatever they need to to shut us up. My WH has told me (in our therapist's office) that he will tell me ANYTHING to make me not further question him, to shut me up.

If I can calmly (and this isn't easy, believe me) go to my H and say, "I know this isn't the way it happened. You did...." whatever it is. If your wife said the OM never told her he loved her, you have found proof positive that yes he did in fact tell her he loved her. She got caught with her hand in the cookie jar with cookie crumbs on her lips. I have told my H that I want to know the brutal truth, no matter how hard it is for me to hear or for him to tell. I don't want to hear glossed over truths, fairytales that might have happened, because eventually the truth will come out and it's more hurtful to hear the truth finally after lies, lies, and more lies.

If you can CALMLY and unemotionally talk about these facts with your wife, tell her how important the truth is to you, how important it is to you that she share her thoughts and true feelings with you, hopefully you'll gain some serenity from knowing the truth. Then you can digest it and get over it. At least that's what I'm trying to do.

Brenda
BS--me 55
WH--him 56
grown children--daughter 27, son 25
married 33 years, together almost 40
6 YEAR PA & EA
D-Day 11/15/2003
working every day to forget, forgive, and rebuild
OW--a bar whore he met at an icehouse, a dive

I would agree with denial, I just found out my WW has been lying sooo much about the A and its continued existence. I think she is starting to lie to herself now.

She told me, and I bet this is the same for your case, the she did not want to hurt me. I bet the real reason is she did not want to hurt herself.

I think the the duality of her life (a married woman and an adulturor) is an important illusion for the WW to keep up. The more she can keep them seperate, the more she can continue getting everything she wants.

I am going to try and bring the A to the surface in as many ways as I can. That is a change for me, but I think it will help in the long run.

I would ask her (not require) to delete the message in front of you.

If she is still foggy, whatever she says means nothing. Only what she does.

Good luck, and stay in your life.

Hey Graycloud,,,,

Our recovery is going as to be expected,, the occasional ups and downs. I still think of the affair about every 30 mins I am awake. I just try to deal with it. Wife is doing good no other contact that I know of and swears if OM does try to make contact she will tell me. the thing is This whole time I never heard or read any of the OM's words he used to seduce my wife,,, until now.
It feels sickening to read his words to my wife. Ofcoarse I know they worked on her,, why would she have saved the message? I really cannot say that my wife is not fully committed to me. She actually has been pretty great in dealing with my ups and downs. She gets frustrated from time to time from not understanding how sometimes I can look on her so positively and others with resentment and withdrawl. We somehow manage to keep going though.


Denial#1,,

I know my wife is still sitting on some of the facts of her affair. From time to time I ask her questions about it that may pop into my head.
I think she tells herself that it is amazing we are still together after me hearing the facts of the affair allready and she is not going to tell me anything to jeopardize that. However, like you said I am still discovering her lies,,, IE: "He never said he loved me and I never said I loved him" this latest discover did prove that statement to be false.


Canthishelp,,,,

As soon as I showed her the message I found she deleted everything in that phone. Then immediately told me the OM only said this kind of stuff in messages. I would really like to know how she replied to that message. I am sure she probably sent him a rose back saying she loved him too. Even if wife denies it.
it did have a pretty negative impact,, I went for a drive down to the lake to think about it alone for a while,, got pretty upset seeing those words in my head over and over, and seeing the smile it put on my wifes face when she read it. The big D word was even brought up which has not been brought up in a while.
Something that really gets me is my wife will say "I cannot believe you think I love or was in love with OM if I truly was then why am I here committed to you and our marriage" which is a fair question. But like I ask why do BH,s torture ourselves?

OF COURSE affairees tell each othe rthey love each other. They kiss passionately with tongues, and have meaningful slow tactile sex and send each other deep and meaningful poetry cards from expensive stationers.

IT HAPPENS. Thats what happens in affairs. Get over it, mate.

You should see the caca I had to read from the cache I found from my WW the other day. It is GUTTING to see but thats what happens in affairs. We may like to think of them being sick with self-loathing a guilt afterwards but they DON'T. they feel GREAT until the A is discovered.

If that stuff tortures you, don't look for it. Really.

my wife said she cant open up to me, but the stuff i found on her computer told me she could open up to the other person...even now we are back togeather she has problems opening up to me and she has lied about the specifics about the affair and when i found proof like that cell phone thing and confronted her she said she was tring not to hurt me with the details...this whole thing hurst like hell but the worse is she was more open witht the other person the she has ever been with me...but i am tring to give her an enviroment where she feel ok to tell me stuff...it is working a little and with time i think it will work out...got to stay positive or i will go insane

eric n. - I too know that my WH told his OW that he loved her - I found two very passionate love letters that he wrote to her expressing these feelings over and over - yet he claims that they NEVER told each other that they loved each other. I don't know why they lie, but the words he wrote in those letters have been engraved in my heart since I read them. They were together for almost two years so I wonder what was in the letters that I did not find and what he told her about me. He says they never discussed spouses, but I know that is a lie as well.

I wish I had words of comfort for you, but I just wanted to let you know that YOU are NOT ALONE in your feelings. It makes the pain worse that they could even allow themselves to have those feelings for another while married to us and reading those words is like a dagger to the heart. Someday we will heal from these wounds so we just need to give ourselves time. Good luck in your recovery.

BOB,,,


I fully understand the eruption of emotions that accompanies an affair. I know its new and passionate. As far as why I just had to look in that old phone,,,, heck I dont know. Do I currently look in her new cell phone? Oh hell yea!!! I will continue to keep myself more aware of her activities until I fully trust her again. That I think is just natural.
I am not shocked by what I read I am just hurt seeing it with my own eyes. I pretty much figured they told each other they loved on another but seeing it first hand is gutting.
Its like I know they had passionate sex, because I have been told they did. Does that mean If I saw a video of them having this passionate sex, I would not be hurt?
What I am saying is it is not a shock,, I am not surprised I am just hurt from reading the actual message. Does that make sense?

Spouseguess,,,
Thanks for your thoughts It really does help not to feel isolated. I am sorry that both of us had to experience the love messages.

Pelley,,

Your wife will open up,,, so will mine when enough time goes by.

BOB,,,


I fully understand the eruption of emotions that accompanies an affair. I know its new and passionate. As far as why I just had to look in that old phone,,,, heck I dont know. Do I currently look in her new cell phone? Oh hell yea!!! I will continue to keep myself more aware of her activities until I fully trust her again. That I think is just natural.
I am not shocked by what I read I am just hurt seeing it with my own eyes. I pretty much figured they told each other they loved on another but seeing it first hand is gutting.
Its like I know they had passionate sex, because I have been told they did. Does that mean If I saw a video of them having this passionate sex, I would not be hurt?
What I am saying is it is not a shock,, I am not surprised I am just hurt from reading the actual message. Does that make sense?

Spouseguess,,,
Thanks for your thoughts It really does help not to feel isolated. I am sorry that both of us had to experience the love messages.

Pelley,,

Your wife will open up,,, so will mine when enough time goes by.

sry dbl post

<small>[ August 23, 2004, 11:18 AM: Message edited by: eric. n ]</small>