Redhat, the situation is very similar to what Lostboy60 wrote. W is pursuer from the beginning. OM being a player means he's single and doesn't have a conscience. He is done with W. She just can't get over what she thinks she had with him. Fantasy only. So the only place I can push her is out the door. For the most part I am fighting contact and not an ongoing EA. For the most part. So it very slowly moves in the right direction. For now I can continue to hang in there though of course it's not ideal. I do need to raise the stakes ie. pressure though. Thanks.

walkingoneggs, thanks so much for the encouragement. Like you said, it's good to see someone else in the same boat.

You said:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I would just encourage you to hand in their for her and give her the chance to re-discover you. The payback could be awesome. But even if there is no payback we will know that we stepped up and were the lighthouse. That is something to be proud of. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">How true that is. My stepmom said something similar to me. She told me all I can do is to do everything I can do to make things work and make myself a better person. If it doesn't work, at least I know I did all I could and it wasn't because of me that it failed.

lostboy60, there are two paths one can take after or during an affair. You can throw your hands up, have a revenge A or you can take the long hard road to rebuild. I suppose either one is a viable and legitimate decision. But once you decide to commit to healing you throw everything at it. An interesting things happens; people close to you start to realize you're someone special. And you start to get support from people close to the situation. My MIL who used to think very little of me has now done a 180. She actually was very concerned about me divorcing W and pleaded with me not to give up. That is very satisfying no matter what the outcome. Hang tough.

Walking on eggs,

Man is that ever an appropriate name.
All this tip toeing around your W's actions.

For 2 1/2 years! (or so)
Whew!

I mean it being OK , for the OM to answer Your W's cell and talk to your kids!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Talk about ZERO Consequences! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Unfortunately, all I have is a truck load of 2 x 4's after getting the basics of your situation. (Although I do recall some of your earlier posts)

However, by your responses to others I see that any and All "suggestions" will simply be rationalized away.

Not exactly sure what the purpose of your thread is.......perhaps as a type of update??
Not really sure.......cause you Already know what to do, your just refusing to do it.

Sadly, You seem to have grown very Comfortable in the Role you've permitted your wife to put you into.

Anyway, I'll leave the lumber alone and let you go about continuing your perpetual door mat type "plan A".
Although being an "enabler" doesn't seem to be making YOU very happy. (just an observation)

However, curious why YOU seem to have "boundaries" in your M, yet your W apparently has NONE ?

In any case," WHATEVER " your true Plan & strategy is......I hope it works out for You.

But please do yourself a favor and listen to the Harley's and at the very least take the knife out of your back. Heals up a whole lot quicker (and less painfully) that way.
later

Adding:
As a wise veteran used to post:
NC Means "NO CONTACT"....what About that don't You Understand??

<small>[ August 26, 2004, 08:13 AM: Message edited by: top rope ]</small>

walkingoneggs,

This is your life and your choice but again if you call Williard Harley show and as him you will definitly get opposing startegy than what SH's is guiding you. I would be surprise if cerri would tell you to stay this way too.

OM is a player, he would never LB enough to drain whatever LU$ that your WW's has for him. In Harley's term, OM is a renter. In 2.5 years, you are trying to fill her LU$ to reach romantic love threshold. How is it working for you so far ?. There is no doubt that WW has become a cake monster and she is a freeloader in your M.

Pressure ? .. no, you need to rock her world !. Throw exposure granade and shield yourself in plan B. 10 years for now when you read your responses to your post you would say ... what the heck I was thinking. Right now you are in what MBer calls "BS's Fog". (definition of Fogese: rational explanation of irrational behavior).

JMVHO -rh-

walkingoneggs,

This is your life and your choice but again if you call Williard Harley show and ask him you will definitly get opposing startegy than what SH's is guiding you. I would be surprise if cerri would tell you to stay this way too.

OM is a player, he would never LB enough to drain whatever LU$ that your WW's has for him. In Harley's term, OM is a renter. In 2.5 years, you are trying to fill her LU$ to reach romantic love threshold. How is it working for you so far ?. There is no doubt that WW has become a cake monster and she is a freeloader in your M.

Pressure ? .. no, you need to rock her world !. Throw exposure granade and shield yourself in plan B. 10 years for now when you read your responses to your post you would say ... what the heck I was thinking. Right now you are in what MBer calls "BS's Fog". (definition of Fogese: rational explanation of irrational behavior).

JMVHO -rh-

<small>[ August 26, 2004, 03:24 PM: Message edited by: redhat ]</small>

Top Rope, thanks for your very thoughtful reply. I will try to respond as best I can. First I am very familiar with 2OfAKind's sig. line and philosophy. He was and is one of my favorites here. But all of the responses seems to be geared at ultimatum. Either she quits the pool team or I'll????? What will I do? I won't walk out on my family over this. That is not an option and I suppose she knows this. Plan B? Very tricky. It will have the desired outcome I am sure, but at what cost? I know what to do but I don't do it. This really isn't true because I don't know what to do.


Why do I have boundaries and W doesn't? I simply can't control her but only myself. I certainly wish she had boundaries. I haven't sunk to her level yet and have been unable to pull her up either.

I certainly don't mean to rationalize everyone's comments away. I take all of this very seriously and am trying my best to have the desired outcome. And finally the reason for this post was to show "newbies" how continued contact never works. It was meant to be helpful to people in that situation. Walking on eggs does sum up my approach. But I'm still in the fight. Are there things I would have done differently? Of course. But I allowed W to put me in this difficult position and I am doing my best to come out a winner if that's possible. I don't mean to rationalize and I don't take offense with anything you have said. I would tell others exactly the same thing. It really sucks being here.

Redhat how am I doing? It of course is very difficult. There is no easy way out for me or W. We're not talking about 1 person we're talking about her walking away from a group of friends. Yes, it is certainly the right thing to do, but I realize it is difficult. For now me not being in OM's company is helpful to me. Maybe not helpful in ending A but protects me. My IC told me if it wasn't this guy it would be someone or something else. Says W isn't happy. Well I can't do anymore to make her happy without her help. But if trying to be a wonderful father and keep my family together at almost any personal cost is playing the fool than I suppose I'm happy to continue on this path for now. I'm not trying to justify what W is doing but only ackowleging that I am powerless to stop it.