I exposed A to pretty much everyone else but haven't seen my in-laws in a while. Should I send them a letter exposing WH affair? I thought about doing it several times but haven't because I fear that my H will definitely want to end M if they know. I'm confused!!! My in-laws know we are seperated but I'm sure they are only getting his side of the story. I just don't even know how I would begin the letter. Any advice????

Also...why do I feel this overwhelming urge to call or write OW? Shouldn't she hear what I have to say if I do it in good taste????????

The knee jerk reaction from many will be, "What? You haven't ALREADY done this???"

But before you do, let's review the reason for exposure - to remove the secrecy with the hope that the affairee finds less reason to continue it than to end it.

Will exposing it to your out laws reasonably bring discomfort to you spouse? If your H has stated that this knowledge on their part will cause him to end your marriage, this is a good indication that he will experience some discomfort.

What is your relationship with them? Do they like you and consider you to be a genuine part of THEIR family? If so, this is another argument for exposure sooner rather than later. I say "later" because if this ends in divorce, they will find out, or figure it out.

But the bottom line is, what have you got to lose by exposure? He'll "definitely" want to end the marriage? Seems he is headed this way any way, right?

The only tactical reason to contact an OP is to communicate that their "soulmate" is very much married, has children, has not filed for divorce, etc., etc., etc. - solely to dispell the common lies told to affair partners. Just ask Amber Frey.

WAT

TreeReich,

IMHO yes you should. The sooner the better.You have no idea what kind of c*ck and bull story your WH is feeding them. Do not be judgemental, give the facts you KNOW are true and make sure you tell them how committed you are to the M AND ask for their support. Keeep it short, no more than two short paragraphs. Do not go over history, remembrances, visions, past experiences, what a bad person your H is( He is still their son).

Be prepared to get nothing in return so you will NOT be disappointed. You want them to know the truth but then to keep their noses out of the situation. Well meaning family members can be a loose grenade. Be careful and be prepared for the worst reaction from your WH than you can imagine. It will pass.

Good luck. You are in my prayers.

TR,
I think these are pretty crucial players in the game, I think they should have been notified all ready. The A hasn't stopped.

I believe you need to expose the A to everybody necessary if the A cont. If it stops, then exposure isn't all that necessary.

JMHO
KY

WH says he hasn't been seeing OW but that she does call him. He says it has nothing to do with her.....he's just not happy with me and doesn't love me like a husband should. BLAH< BLAH< BLAH!!!!

This is why I'm not sure if I should tell his parents or not. I guess I'm just a little scared. His mother is and has always made everybody's business her own. She is very manipulative and I'm just afraid that by telling her that she might push H further away from me. I just don't know what to do.
As far as contacting the OW.....good idea or not? WH says she knows he's married. I can't believe a word he says so I'm not sure.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by TreeReich:
<strong>I'm just afraid that by telling her that she might push H further away from me. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is 100% universal of reasons BSs choose NOT to reveal a WS's affair, but who later kick themselves for not doing it sooner.

Take it to the bank. You will be kicking yourself, as well.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by TreeReich:
<strong>As far as contacting the OW.....good idea or not? WH says she knows he's married.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You've GOT to be kidding me!! You are, right? C'mon - you're trying to make us laugh, right? It worked!!

If there is ANY doubt she doesn't know you H is married, etc., etc., etc, get this info to her pronto. Did you ask Amber like I recommended?

WAT

Thanks for the advice!!! I guess I do need to contact OW....had a brain fart I guess!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

You're right....what do I have to lose by telling my in-laws. I will start writing me letters.

I'm finding myself getting angrier everyday and wanting to get revenge. How do I overcome this???? I definitely don't want to do something stupid!!!!!

TreeReich: If your benefits cover an IC, definitely look into it. It certainly helped me in my efforts to recover my M. Plus, I was sure that I would resent the he!! out what she did. The IC worked through those issues with me.

I guess you have to remember that the betrayal of the A hurts like he!!, but it wasn't an intentional act against the spouse to go out and have an A (at least not in my case).

Look into it! Good luck,
RH

What actually is IC???
I am just so full of anger right now...for the last 2 days!!! I find myself snapping at everybody and flying off the handle.
Ugghhhh!

I did tell my in-laws (my relationship with them was never particularly good). I presented them with the facts, just the facts and let them do whatever they wanted with the info. Predictably, blood is thicker than water but, I didn't care all I was trying to do was expose the A's to those that mattered.

My XMIL is quite sick (and old), and I didn't tell her anything... don't want to add any unhappiness to her life, her health condition is already enough for her...

But I TALKED to my XFIL and told him... during one of our visits...

I begun as - I always loved you and respected you a lot and want you to know MY side of our story TOO... at least for keeping me in a good memory... (we are still in contact, talk from time to time, and I visit them also with my son - and my X, believe it or not <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> ... that's good for my son, and his well-being is above everything else...)

It's OK to say, but don't expect anything from it...
X is their child and blood is not mud...
And we are mothers too... and will stay on our kids' side no matter what they choose to do in their life...
Accordingly, don't use bad words for him, nor blame him totally for your separation (that would turn them off & against you, accusing/insulting your X you do that to them, his parents as well!!), just simply say FACTS...


PS: I told him after all paperwork was done, house sold, and we begun our lives separately...

<small>[ August 23, 2004, 09:42 PM: Message edited by: Belonging to Nowhere ]</small>

It's a good thing you are angry instead of depressed. Depression is anger turned inwards and can be very unhealthy.

For your anger, do something that is physcially strenuous. Go for a run after work. Buy a punching bag and hang it in your garage, then beat the livin tar outta it.

Make yourself so physically tired that you have no energy left. You'll sleep better and your anger will eventually wain, guaranteed.

It's normal to be as angry as you are. But don't do anything that your anger is driving you to do - revenge. It won't make you feel any better and the anger will remain.

God Bless,
Jo

I'm trying to decide what to do. I guess I'll just go with the flow and see what happens. I know I will see them soon so maybe then I will have the chance to talk to them.

Tree, I was into the surprise attack mode when it came to contact with the OW. In my situation she worked for H. When I found out about the EA I told H I was going to call her at work. Now that was a mistake. I'm actually LOL at what he wanted to do. He wanted to call her first out of consideration. I told him if he warned her it would be another betrayal. Well, he had an IC appt., and I knew he would try to call her from his car. As soon as he left the house my fingers were speed dialing in order to beat him. She had no idea I knew. She was speachless the whole conversation.

My 2nd surprise attack was her last day of work. H was really pissed at me for that one. I didn't have one regret. I made her look me in the eyes and said to her, "I want you to see the face of the person you have caused so much pain." Of course I said more than that.

I needed to do that. I have actually wanted to talk to her again because I am still so angry. I probably won't. It just brings her back into our lives.

If you talk to her do it because it will be healing for you. Don't expect her to feel remorseful, or for your H to be happy about it. I didn't yell at the "B", but I did let her get an earful. Is she a dentist or a doctor? Maybe you could book an appt with her, and use the time to give her a little hell. Well, maybe that's a bad idea.

Just hang tough and remember your H is still deep in outer space. CV

My H says she's a doctor but I can't seem to find her anywhere. I do have her home address and home # and cell #. I'm just so angry right now. I can't even cry anymore!!!!!! I have such hatred right now for my WH. I honestly don't know how I would ever overcome that if we were to reconcile. At this point I'm finding that hopeless.

What is IC????

Bumped for InFaith. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Tree,

IC stands for "Individual Counseling" it is aimed you only.

MC obviously is "Marriage Counseling" when you both participate together.

IC can help you understand yourself and some of your subconscious actions. The counselor can give you tools to help you deal with the rollercoaster, and even deal with your WH insane actions.

I strongly suggest IC for your son. He has so many emotions he doesn't even understand yet. He should never have to be put through this travesty, but since he has no choice in the matter, having a psychologist talk to him should help him.

As far as telling In-Laws. YES YES YES. Of course this is coming from someone who hasn't done talked to FIL. SIL knows and supports, they are all divorced and look at marriage as just one of those things. FIL has been married and divorced 3 times, currently heading towards divorce #4. Quite a family history of relationship problems.

Contacting OP. I haven't nor would I. HomeWrecker Steve met my WW through and adult chat site. He is only looking to roll in the hay with WW. She doesn't understand this. He doesn't care one bit about what is happening in our family, who's right - who's wrong. He only is concerned with whats between my WW's legs and what she'll show him on the webcam and phone sex. Occasionally a hotel fling. Talking to him would do what good, so he can tell me how much fun he is having at my family's expense, even to the detriment of my own Jerry Springer Wife.

Tree write a letter to the IN-laws. That will let you control the flow of what you want to say. Maybe they will call and you can talk. Maybe they won't.

Stay Dry.

Thanks!
I am in the process of writing a letter to my In-laws. It's just so hard to put it all into words. Ugghhh!!! I can't imagine that his father would support what my H is doing.
I feel so betrayed by all of them really.

I just got back home so everything is overwhelming to me right now....