Txbird,

Have you thought about visiting a sex therapist together with your husband? This might be helpful and he/she might be able to help you regain the sex life that you are searching for.

I assume that the physical affair with OM is still underway, correct?

You will no be able to work on your marriage and improve your sex life unless you end the affair with the OM.

The decision on whether or not to tell your husband about the affair is all yours. It is not easy, however to live with such a secret for the rest of your life.

What prevents you from telling your husband about the affair? You already mentioned that you know that he is not going to leave you when he finds out.

Kati

Ladysing, how is asking if I should disclose the affair to my husband a game? Even marriage counselors are divided on whether it should be dislosed. I wasn't playing a game, I was hoping for input that might help me make a better decision as to whether I should disclose the affair.

Believe me having a secret of this sort is not taking the easy road. I would feel better if I disclosed the affair. My husband will forgive me. I think telling will be the easier road and one reason I hesitate is that some sources say don't tell that it is only beneficial to the cheating spouse for relieving her guilt.

Why is it that the betrayed spouse is believed to be the one hurt the most by an affair? I have been hurt by this affair. I don't know whose pain will be the greatest, but I do know that both of us are being hurt. As the cheating spouse I have created and deserve this pain, but that doesn't mean the pain is any less for me. I wish I was the betrayed spouse.

I don't mind hearing the harsh words of the betrayed spouses. But they aren't helpful to me. Telling me that I'm noncaring or immoral isn't helping or hurting me. Stating assumptions that can't be supported aren't helpful either. It is only allowing the poster who says it to vent his/her frustration. What I need to know is how to deal with what I'm doing and finding my way out of it with as minimal harm as can occur.

Ladysing, how is asking if I should disclose the affair to my husband a game? Even marriage counselors are divided on whether it should be dislosed. I wasn't playing a game, I was hoping for input that might help me make a better decision as to whether I should disclose the affair.

Believe me having a secret of this sort is not taking the easy road. I would feel better if I disclosed the affair. My husband will forgive me. I think telling will be the easier road and one reason I hesitate is that some sources say don't tell that it is only beneficial to the cheating spouse for relieving her guilt.

Why is it that the betrayed spouse is believed to be the one hurt the most by an affair? I have been hurt by this affair. I don't know whose pain will be the greatest, but I do know that both of us are being hurt. As the cheating spouse I have created and deserve this pain, but that doesn't mean the pain is any less for me. I wish I was the betrayed spouse.

I don't mind hearing the harsh words of the betrayed spouses. But they aren't helpful to me. Telling me that I'm noncaring or immoral isn't helping or hurting me. Stating assumptions that can't be supported aren't helpful either. It is only allowing the poster who says it to vent his/her frustration. What I need to know is how to deal with what I'm doing and finding my way out of it with as minimal harm as can occur.

Txbird,

I'm glad you decided to stay around. I think you might have missed my post. I was harder on you than anyone else because I've been there, done that.

I didn't think my H would leave me either and he didn't. What I wasn't prepared for was the complete and total hurt, almost to breakdown level, and then the depth of his love for me. I think that's what I was talking about when I said "fun and games". I thought I'd tell him and then we'd just get on with our lives. This was waaaaay before I found MB.

As to breaking the sexual thrill. You must know surely that this is all part and parcel of an affair. You are no different from anyone else in that respect. And, you will find when you end it that you were far more emotionally involved than you thought. And that's the real toughie because withdrawal from an affair is unbelievably painful. And when you are ready to end it and start really having a marriage, then you will have all the support from me that you can handle.

In fact as soon as I read your post I thought - that was me. (Slightly different details).

Jen

Txbird -

You question has been answered several times, you just don't like the answer.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> What I want to discuss is how to stop feeling like I need the sexual excitement this man offers. If anyone has any advice on this, please share it. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">When you end the A, go through withdrawals that will be painful, and allow yourself to come out of the "fog" you are in, you will no longer feel that you are addicted to having sex with the OM.

I answered your question in one sentence! And I know it is an answer you do not like.

What answer will you accept? A pill, a potion, a prayer? An antidote, a spell, a special suit to wear??? I know I am being flippant, but really . . . what is an acceptable answer to you?

I have supported several WS, and FWW, to both heal themselves and their M's. And I will be honored if I can be a part of your process, as well. But just as an alcoholic's first step to recovery is admitting they need help, your first step is going to be along the lines of "I have no idea what I am doing or feeling, because I am deep into an A that is clouding my judgement. Can you all help me figure this out because I think you might know a bit more about this than I do at the moment."

It is all very overwhelming. It is on the other side of the coin, as well. Small steps forward is the way to go. Beginning to embrace the TRUTH, rather than whatever makes you feel good in the moment.

We all truly want to help you and your M. Hopefully, you will stick around long enough to realize that.

SS

TX,
I will not comment on the specifics of you replies to me, you are clearly in a defensive mode that makes any help from a BS unwelcome to you.

I did not answer with scorn or accusations, only offered that this site will be able to help you when you are ready. This site has a home page with concepts that MB'ers read, understand and give advice accordingly. Honesty and disclosure are important issues here and you will hear them many times over. They are not meant to hurt you, only to help you recover your marriage with no secrets.

As you said, many counselors will advice untruthful recoveries. I hope that you will not go down that path, but it is yours to choose.

I will refrain from any further responses to you, you have some great former WS's who have jumped in to help.

txbird,
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> What I want to discuss is how to stop feeling like I need the sexual excitement this man offers. If anyone has any advice on this, please share it. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think I can help you with this. DURING my affair, I too wondered how I would survive if I had to live without the OW's body.

I can tell you from experience that your affair relationship is currently surrounded by a protective halo of secrecy. So was mine. I know how you feel. In fact, I've often said that I would have never ended my affair if I hadn't been caught. You are one up on me there. You seem interested in ending it without being caught.

However, once that bubble of secrecy is burst and you watch the pain and devastation of your spouse, the selfishness of what we did begins to show it's true ugliness.

So, a big step towards breaking your "addiction" to the OM is to out your affair to your H. I think you'll be very surprised at quickly the fantastic sex loses its appeal if you have to look into your H's eyes and tell him how good it is.

Right now, there seems to be no downside for you. As long as you maintain that illusion for yourself, the affair will seem downright wonderful. What you don't see is the toll it takes on your H whether you disclose or not. As long as your involved with the OM even just for sex, you cannot be the kind of wife he deserves. I though I was being a good H during my A, but I was only seeing what I wanted to see.

Look at your A as an addiction. How would you break an addiction to cocaine?

YOU'D STOP DOING IT! Sure, cocaine makes you feel good, but it will ultimately own you and destroy your life. YOU'RE AFFAIR IS NO DIFFERENT.

You'll experience withdrawal and severe temptation to go back to the OM. That's why you tell your H. He will hold you accountable to make it harder for you to give in to your addiction.

So, following the advice you've already been given will help you break this unhealthy desire for this man.

Low

Maybe part of the reason I seem to be resisting your advice is that I haven't bought into the idea that marriage builders is the best program for recovery? I have read about a lot of programs and they contradict one another. For example, marriage builders states disclosure must happen for recovery to occur but some others say that disclosing an affair that is over is merely the cheating spouse trying to resolve his/her guilt and causes more harm than good. I like what I have read so far about marriage builders. But then I've liked some of the other programs as well. I think I will continue to lurk here and read about this program. In addition, I will continue with the counseling I'm getting. And if I decide this program is right for my marriage, I will then rejoin the conversations.

txbird,

Yes, I am the BS. And it is still very fresh in my mind. D-Day 6/10/04. But the hardest part of finding out was not the actual A. That happened 28 yrs. ago and was never reapeated!!! H ended it after less than a week. He chose to end it because he chose me. That alone made the choice for me to remain in M a hands down decision.

The hardest part is knowing that the man I have loved for over 30 years of M could look me in the eye and lie so convincingly on how faithful he had been to me. This is a man that I have regarded highly because of his honesty and integrity. Yet, he never gave me the opportunity to make my own decision as to whether or not I should stay or leave. I was denied the choice. He never gave me the opportunity to love him in spite of his weak moment, which would have enriched our M. One of the greatest gifts a person can receive from their spouse is to be loved in spite of all of their mistakes, imperfections, sins and other dark secrets. This is what a real marriage is about.

I am still battling with how I will deal with the years and years of being lied to. How will I ever trust that he is telling me the truth now? I am not there yet, but I am working toward it. I do have 28 years of faithfulness that I am sure is truth. As I learned from JL, Time and Patience is the key.

Don't let your husband be denied the right to the truth. Don't let him have to face this 10 or 20 more years down the road and have to deal with the fact that you continued the betrayal on top of the A. Trust me, lies are just as hard to deal with as the actual deed.

Well, if nothing else, perhaps you can use the MB program to at least get you to:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> For example, marriage builders states disclosure must happen for recovery to occur but some others say that disclosing an affair that is over is merely the cheating spouse trying to resolve his/her guilt and causes more harm than good. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">end the A. I would be interested if you read about one "program" out there that says you can recover your M while you are having an A.

I think the down and dirty is that you know you need to end the A, but you are scared. I understand. Change is scary. BUT, as LowOrbit stated, you sought out a Marriage Builders site, on the Infidelity discussion forum, and began asking questions about rebuilding your M, and getting rid of your desires to have sex with a man other than your H.

I think we all have different "selves" inside of us. You have a self that thinks the A is OK (entitlement), your H doesn't know, you are still a good W, it's just sex. You have another self that feels guilty, knows it is wrong, either because you have read it in the Bible, or from your upbringing, you realize it is not OK to lie and hide and deceive. And you have lots of other selves in there as well.

I think your guilty self is asserting here. It is all baby steps. Just keep lurking like you said, post now and again, and read the stories of the FWW's and see what you identify with.

As a BS, when I read of others getting through the pain of betrayal, and the rollercoaster of recovery, it gave me hope that I could be a success story, too. We are a very large (37,000+ members) support system - and to some extent, no matter what you have done or what you are feeling, you can find someone who has been there, done that.

SS

Txbird,
You wrote:

~”About six months into my affair, my husband and I discovered a way to come together again. He has done a number of things that I have read about on this board. I don't know if he has read about them too, but he seems to be practicing them. We are so close now and I don't want to lose us again. However I haven't ended the affair.”~

So what you want now is for people around here to convince you to end your affair? And why would that be? It sounds to me as if you’re happy with things just as they are. You don’t seem to want the affair to end or else you wouldn’t still be cheating and lying, so what’s your point?

By your own admission, it’s your H who has taken the initiative to make the changes in your marriage that are positive. Why didn’t you ever take the initiative? He’s the one that seems to be looking for ways to re-connect and make the relationship work. You seem to be pleased with his efforts; yet, you don’t seem to want to do your share. You say that you’ve made compromises as well; yet, you don’t want to stop cheating. Instead, you’ve decided that exploring “your sexuality” with an OM is more important.

I’m sorry but I have great difficulty believing in your sincerity. In any case, if by some chance you are serious and do want to save your marriage, here’s a thought that you might want to consider. All you need to do is stop being with the OM. It’s that simple. You just stop doing it.

coach

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by txbird:
<strong> My husband will forgive me. </strong>

This is the 3rd time I've read this from you- don't be too sure about that-you can NEVER guess how someone will react to an admission of an A.

<strong>Why is it that the betrayed spouse is believed to be the one hurt the most by an affair? I have been hurt by this affair. I don't know whose pain will be the greatest, but I do know that both of us are being hurt. As the cheating spouse I have created and deserve this pain, but that doesn't mean the pain is any less for me. I wish I was the betrayed spouse. </strong>

"fogfogfog fog fogfog fog fogfogfog"

Why?

Maybe because the BS had no say in what you did to their life. Maybe because you took a precious gift (your H's trust) and bashed it around with abolutely no regard to his feelings.


<strong> What I need to know is how to deal with what I'm doing and finding my way out of it with as minimal harm as can occur. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Good luck with that. But perhaps you should have thought about the ending BEFORE you had actually started the A. There is NO WAY you can minimize the harm you have done to you M or your H and even to yourself- to do so would totally disrespect your H and your M.

Hi,My name is R.M.U. I am on here because i also had an affair on my husband of 4yrs.With an ex-boyfriend i never really got over and is still going on.Emotionally anyways.I do love my husband but my feelings for my ex has not changed all these years we have been apart which is 8 yrs.i have written a no contact letter to him and that didn,t work i could not stay away and the sex something out of this world.Someone once told me you can,t have your cake and eat it to.I love them both with all my heart and one or both have to go.all i can say to you is follow your heart not the libido and you will find your answer as i hope i will.All the best to you i hope this helped you out.R.M.U.

txbird:

I am curious about this statment:

"What I get from the affair is sexual adventure."

What kind of Sexual adventure are you into? Can't you do the same with your husband? Let us know because it may help our opinions.

Txbird,

You asked for prayers. Will do, happily. However, they are prayers that you will open your heart and listen to God, not prayers that you can get out of the consequences of your A. God will turn all things for His good. You just have to make His choices from now on.

As a BS, I break out into a rash and get all itchy and stuffed up whenever I read a WS wanting to get out of consequences. It’s normal, I suppose. But, geeeez lady, give the people here who have gone through what you and your H will go through, even if you never tell him, some credit for intelligence and caring please.

Oh, and spare us the protestations of not wanting to hurt your H any more. He is already hurt and doesn’t even have a chance to alleviate it. Not telling him is as selfish as having the A in the first place.

Why will he suffer anything if you do not tell, you ask? The terrible secret you hold will stifle your M. It is true. It will prevent the two of you from becoming a wonderfully connected and loving couple. No more growth. A Stunted Relationship forever more. No doubt about it. But you apparently already know this from the title you gave your thread. So why the hesitation?

You obviously feel guilty. You will remain guilty for the rest of your life if you do not confess. You implied that very thing when you said telling is only for the WS to alleviate their guilt. Well then, that’s what you better do, don’t you think? Do it for yourself. Then atone by helping your H recover and bulding a new and better M.

Lastly, be wary of a therapist that recommends keeping this a secret. It is so typical for people to search out the advice they want to hear in the first place. If a counselor gives you advice that sounds too good to be true, too easy by half, then it is. Doing the right thing will not be easy. Any counselor that recommends otherwise needs to come here and learn about reality. In fact, send them here and let me at ‘em.

T

<small>[ August 25, 2004, 12:27 AM: Message edited by: Thos ]</small>