YOU did Great! Something tells me she is not the type who is going to get the PLAN B thing .

You may here from her again and the kids and money may always be the excuse .

JMO . she is going to hold on tight , to make shore ya don't go know where and that she remains in your thoughts ...

Is there a third party to have for some of this or tell her to e-mail anything first to see if its worth responding to .

PLAN B is tough with kids , and that is how the WS will stay in contact as much as possiable to get there fix with the BS .

Even if its just to see you or hea your voice .

AHHH ! sleep isn't it a great thing ! LOL

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by 3isacrowd:
<strong> YOU did Great! Something tells me she is not the type who is going to get the PLAN B thing .

You may here from her again and the kids and money may always be the excuse .

JMO . she is going to hold on tight , to make shore ya don't go know where and that she remains in your thoughts ...

Is there a third party to have for some of this or tell her to e-mail anything first to see if its worth responding to .

PLAN B is tough with kids , and that is how the WS will stay in contact as much as possiable to get there fix with the BS .

Even if its just to see you or hea your voice .

AHHH ! sleep isn't it a great thing ! LOL </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I don't have much of a support group, but I am going to do my best with deflecting contact. To be honest she doesn't seem to miss me as much as the kids, in fact I question if she loves me at all. I guess it's possible her love for me is there simply buried deep beneath the fog. I can't see the near future, but I doubt she'll contact me for fixes. I think she is only concerned for the children and how they see her. I could be wrong though, it's very confusing. Daggonitt, I still have those birthday ballons floating above me, with the ILY's plastered on them. I wonder if she loves me or if she was only manipulating me to be here with the children. She hasn't shown me genuine affection in some time, yah know the kind that intense feeling of appreciation, desire and caring? I won't take myself down that road, but it's an issue worth considering. I don't think she will contact me much. In some strange way I think she feels more commited to OM, she acts as if that's her H at this point. Imagine that! She was feeding me all this crap about having more children, buying our first real home...and after leaving she opens a new account with his name as her password? I asked why? and she gives me the I Dont Knows.....I'm no longer in BS Fog...if she's not in a PA she is definetly still in a EA. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by FamilyMatters:
To be honest she doesn't seem to miss me as much as the kids, in fact I question if she loves me at all. I guess it's possible her love for me is there simply buried deep beneath the fog. I can't see the near future, but I doubt she'll contact me for fixes. I think she is only concerned for the children and how they see her. I could be wrong though, it's very confusing. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">[WHACK]
OK...that was a friendly 2X4!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />
Don't fall into this trap, FM! She knows nothing right now. Just the basics: she has two kids and is married. And *NOTHING* else. You even said (about her reaction/disposition) to your son: nothing. She knows she has kids; she's at a point she doesn't even know how to act around them anymore. Sad. You're right, though. Deep down inside, she loves you and the kids. May be too late when she finally figures that out again. Dunno. Keep at it though. And for the love of FM, stop beating yourself up!!! We'll take care of that for you!
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Liny,
You absolutely right! I won't get caught up in that today. Last night was a great feeling I will try and focus on taking care of myself. Things will run their course and how I internalize these events or lack of events will determine my own self-image. Thanks for the 2X4, I needed that. I was slipping ever so slighly into the WHY'S, don't do that FM it's a one way ticket to DUMPSVILLE! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Hey FM, great job on keeping your cool. What a catch you are, and your W is seeing this, trust me!!

Had some thoughts about talking with your kids. I work with teens and they can feel so out of control and helpless when the family is breaking apart. So many decisions about their family are made and they have NO CLUE what is going on. If I could make a suggestion, here are some things I would say to my kids.

"I love your Mom and hope to stay M. Right now I am feeling hurt by some of the ways your Mom and I are treating each other and I need to stay away so I can preserve what love I have left. I'm hoping we can work it out. I am waiting for the day your Mom and I both decide to REALLY stay M."

"There is a good chance we won't be able to work it out and will get D. I want to let you know I don't want that to happen right now and I am trying what I know best to do to stay M...right now it's to stay out of your Mom's life and wait."

"I can bet you are feeling unsure of what is happening, feel free to ask me any questions you want, I will try to answer whatever you ask. But I need to ask you not to tell me things your Mom does or says that would be hurtful to me. I am trying to protect myself from the hurt so I have love left when/if we get back together."

"No matter what happens I want you to know my love for you will NEVER change, and I can guess that your Mom misses you so much too. What is happening between Mom and I is just between us and is not your fault at all." (Believe it or not, most kids blame themselves for D.)

Hope this helps, your D is in a tough place right now, I wouldn't wish to be 14 again for anything...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by StillHereMakingIt:
<strong>
Hope this helps, your D is in a tough place right now, I wouldn't wish to be 14 again for anything... </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">SHMI,
Thanks for the words of encouragment, we do what we can with our new information right? When we can with all that we are. My D WAS acting out and we have been through some rough times the last year or so, but I took advantage of those times to get her into a mentoring group where she also has IC. It's been coming along better than I imagined. It's strange and somewhat dysfunctional but I somehow feel my D prefers life at home with mom being absent. I hate saying that, though she loves her mom she does enjoy the peace, quiet and having her fathers attention. I spent so much time trying to rebuild with my W, fighting for our M that I somehow overlooked my D's needs. My D is confinding in me with important things about how she feels and I had a family meeting with them when mommy left about my OPEN DOOR POLICY where both of them are free to discuss anything. Anyone can call a meeting and for any reason, and every Sunday we will sit down for a few minutes and have a meeting just to have one. The meetings can include the 3 of us or can be simply one on one. Teenagers require not taking "NO" for an answer. If I ask how she is doing, I MUST genuinely be interested or she will give me the simple "FINE" response. I have began mastering the art of soft insistence and it's working quite well.

Don't get me wrong there has been great damage done by my W's R with OM. I don't know what my W was thinking. My D actually met OM while my W was in a R with him during our separation. To this day my D feels OM isn't a grown-up more like a kid, those are her words not mine. My W has never processed the reality of her actions and the effects on her children. Just imagine it, my D feels her mother slept with, kissed, and chose over her dad this kid and now partially because of it, she has left. I can deal with the stinging reality because I understand the addiction, but my D does not. My D thinking her mother makes bad choices can't possibly create a very respecful R between mother and daughter, hence my extreme concern regardless if we reconcile or not. My W of course will hold onto to rationalizing her actions into the next ice age, but she fails to understand that those rationalizations only benefit HER. Our children do not have the luxury of my W's longing for this OM. In fact my D has said to me point blank; I don't think you and mom should have gotten back together because mom was having too much fun with OM. See what I mean, even a 14 year old understands the difference between her mother being here with me and her being with OM.

I have told both my children repeatedly
"Mom and dad not being together has nothing to do with you. Mommy loves you very much!"

but to a teenage daughter and a 6 year old son if she did she'd be home. I guess since this isn't the 1st time or even the 2nd time she's left it doesn't have such a stinging feeling for either of our children. I was prepared to deal with my children being withdrawn and crushed by their mothers absence, but with excitment of a new school year, dad cooking some great meals and staying upbeat...they seem to be happy regardless and I aim to continue to provide them a dad who isn't devestated, lost or in agony, but a dad strong, who still loves their mom, but I will not pretend mom is right in her choices. My D is now forming her CONVICTIONS about what kind of man she will marry and I intend to be that role model, not the OM that my W has chosen to chase, pursue and as she put it in her email "Get back no matter how long it takes".

Wake up woman and recommit to US, I still love you and it's not too late.

<small>[ August 26, 2004, 11:49 AM: Message edited by: FamilyMatters ]</small>