Still around, between preparing two of my son's favourit dishes when he gets back in 2 hours. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">But honestly? The very fact that you are scared and somewhat guilty (not too much I hope) is a good thing because at least you’re aware and trying.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Why did you say "not too much I hope"?
My counselor said to me that my son must not see that guilt in me!... will elaborate this during next meetings... don't get it TOTALY yet...

I go ICing, just for my parenting concerns, as one of steps I take to help my son to go through this as painless as it could be, or make a solid base for his healthy growth... I'm also in a phase of talking his dad into taking parenting classes together with me... I already see some things I don't like and think they might harm our son in the long run...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">And I’m talking about betrayed parents such as yourself.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Believe me it's very hard, very hard to distinguish him as dad of my son and as a man (who *^#^$$#$^# me), but so far he's not bad for my son I HAVE TO do my best, for my son's sake...
I just put aside my own hurt and focus on my child's needs.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">In my experience – just going by my friends etc – most times the betrayed parent gave little or no consideration to their child’s emotional health in all of this. They go along with the mindset that the kids are too young to understand or if they do understand assume that the child will just somehow know that this doesn’t affect them.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes, also they spend so much time on healing themselves and neglect healing of their kids TOO...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">They sweep that portion under the rug.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is what I'm certain not being my case.
I go through life and face the problems with eyes wild open... It is not easier, but once you accept that way it is not harder either... and no piles to chock you later on... (Don't say I solve problems the best, but don't close my eyes to neglect them without trying either.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">And therefore we do have all of these accomplished young people who are emotionally incapable of attempting a solid healthy relationship or marriage.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Which can happen if they lived in family with both parents as well... when parents didn't give a good sample what M should look like...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I understand different capacities of love – I’ve just never had it applied to parental love in this way.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm sure you'll understand me much better if once you are mom too.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I totally understand that desire – wanting your son to love and respect his dad. But that’s not your’s to control. Your son’s relationship with his father is dependent on him and his father – and right now its mostly on his father.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Absolutely!
I said to his father - I'll never be an obstacle in your R with our son (so far he's a good father!!!), but it's up to him how he'll bond and how close he'll be to our son in years to come.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">We have some interesting discussions because he is vehemently anti-marriage.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well, I know some people from nice families thinking the same way...
No, I don't say he's not anti-marriage as consequence of his divorced parents... just that it happens otherwise too...
(Which could be a theme for a thread - where is going this world?)...

FM, I'm so glad you (re)joined us on this thread, moreover, shared those so private parts of your childhood!! Thanks!

Just to say this, before I leave the forum in a few seconds.

Please continue, and other folks too, for not so often (not enough!) we have these kinds of discussions here...

I'll be back (as Arnie <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> )... it's making favorite pie's turn, then a big hug and many kisses and talk and talk and play and snuggling before sleep - God, how much I miss my little boy!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Thank you all guys! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

BtN,

Those are hard questions. I don’t have the time to give you an adequate answer right now. We are about to leave for the Shakespearian Festival in Ashland, Or. Truck is packed and everyone hanging out waiting to go. So, I will answer more thoroughly when I return, next weekend.

In the meantime, suffice it to say, DS hurt and anger is mainly due to disruption of his world and putting two and two together about the past 10 years. It’s as if he was going along nicely in a straight line and suddenly everything made a hard left turn on him. Loss of security, loss of what he thought his world was like. Loss of respect for his mother. He has had to grow up in certain ways too soon. It's as if he has been catapulted into his teenage years before any of us were ready. That hard left turn is leaving a large wake.

As far as what to do differently? Who knows? I just love him continuously and overtly and make sure I do not break any word I give him no matter how small.

Wife is trying very hard too. Most of the healing will have to come from her, I think. And she hurts over this as much as anyone.

Sorry for the short answer. More later.

T

Thank you for your response, Thos!
Hope you and your family will have a good and safe trip.

Well, a busy week begun here for me... so not much more from me this time either.

We should put in charge someone to be pulling this thread up though <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> , untill we get more spare time... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />