Hello board,
It's me once again and I'm seriously in need of support. I know it's the weekend but this morning in just over 5 hours my W will be visiting to spend time with our son. I need to leave when she gets here, but I'm not sure if I can do it. I want to escape, because I'm in Plan B and more than likely SILENT is the way I should be, of course if I aim to stick to my plan. I feel off the Plan B wagon just over 48 hours of starting it and now I'm 2 days into my 2nd try at it. The fact she will be here is the hardest part, and also the feeling like each time I see her I might stumble onto the magic words to save my family all of this grief. I know in my mind that saing anything probably will only throw her further down the road of fog, but my heart is so passionate. I want you all to know for me it's a serious effort not to act. In fact that is what I have become known for all my life. In my family I am the one you call if you want someone to do something. I'm him! If you don't want something to happen, then you don't call FM. I have always been the protector of my family, not just my D & S & W but my brother, sister, neices, nephews, even mom and stepdad. It goes against my nature to say nothing when she knocks on the door except direct her to the rear door and escape. That's just not my style at all. I have never run, I have never sat on my hands and not acted. Plan B is hardly sitting on my hands, in fact its a very strenuous exercise, but it feels as if I have no hands.

We were so far into recovery and then she fell off the wagon and I fell off the wagon, and she left. Honestly who knows how far off the wagon we had gone. I have no idea, but I wonder if I have blown certain things out of proportion and LB them into escalation. I hear stories like Bob's and Lost Sailor's and I wonder, Wow they are dealing with far worse than me. Their spouses contact the OM right to their faces. My W had a password on her computer that she recently created using the OM's name and I lose it. I feel like I enabled her to continue far worse actions by blowing up and giving her the excuse to leave. I am lost, she will be here in 5.5 hours and I'm like a little kid going to the wood shed. This is sad.

I know the weekend are slow, and actually since it's 4:30 AM eastern time, they should be probably. If there's anyone up meandering around the boards lurking or seeking solace, please respond. I'm not sure if I'm coming or going. I don't feel depressed just OVERWHELMED!

You still here?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by luvbird:
<strong> You still here? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I can't sleep, she'll be here in 4 hours and 52 minutes...

Hiyah Luvbird...
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> I'm at a loss.....is all.

Maybe after today it will be better. I won't have to see her for another week, next saturday.

I don't want to screw up, but I don't want to be too passive,...I don't know what I want to do...is begging for mercy allowed in PLan B?


didnt think so <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

<small>[ August 28, 2004, 04:11 AM: Message edited by: FamilyMatters ]</small>

Ok--just checking. If you weren't still here I was just going to wait until somebody with more sense replied to you a little later. But looks like we're the only ones up--lol.

If you're serious about plan B, ya gotta stick with it. You can't go back and forth with it, you have to commit to it.

I really was hoping someone would be around that could give better advice. I think I'm a bit of an MB dropout--lol. I totaly skipped plan B--went from a halfa$$ plan A to talk of separation (which is what knocked H's butt clear out of the fog).

And I haven't brushed up on the concepts lately, but I think it's pretty safe to say that begging for mercy is not part of plan B.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by luvbird:
<strong> Ok--just checking. If you weren't still here I was just going to wait until somebody with more sense replied to you a little later. But looks like we're the only ones up--lol.

If you're serious about plan B, ya gotta stick with it. You can't go back and forth with it, you have to commit to it.

I really was hoping someone would be around that could give better advice. I think I'm a bit of an MB dropout--lol. I totaly skipped plan B--went from a halfa$$ plan A to talk of separation (which is what knocked H's butt clear out of the fog). </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I do want to commit to it. Gosh I need a counselor seriously. I keep replaying these darn scenes where she was lifing from the fog even talking of the future then she'd slip back under. A week ago we were talking about buying a home...this week I'm in Plan B because she left after a arguement. I thought it was a good time to go to plan B. I don't know if I was wrong or not, then again I might not have enough in the tank to do anymore Plan Aing. BLAH!

Thanks for responding LuvBird...its nice not typing to myself. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by luvbird:
<strong> And I haven't brushed up on the concepts lately, but I think it's pretty safe to say that begging for mercy is not part of plan B. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
HORSE PELLETS!!!!!!!!!!!

FM I share your thoughts re stumbling on the magic words that will save your M.

It ain't gonna happen unless God fills our mouths with those words. Don't expect it mate.

I think it is very important that you are not there when your W arrives. Your absence is the central tenet of plan B as I understand it. She ust get no comfort or support from your presence or contact from you.

The stress you ar ealready feeling in advance of this potential meetinsg shows that Plan B is hurting you. Well maybe its afecting WS too ?

Prepare your kids well for it,in a happy way then leave the kids with a trusted third party and go down the gym, or the cinema or something before she shows up.

I can't help really mate, other than to say YES my WW is being very disrespectful indeed to me, but many other parts of my situation are far more positive than yours.

I think a broken heart is a broken heart, and we all walk a lonely street at this time. There ARE degrees of cr@pness, but we are all brothers and sisters in the cr@p together.

Be strong friend. I am praying for you with with the faith I have.

Horse pellets??? I thought rabbits made pellets and horses made...well, never mind. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

I know the moments when the fog seems to be lifting can be so disheartening. It's so hard to tell when it's the real thing or just a "teaser". I think the more glimpses you're getting, the closer to reality she's getting.

And you know the whole time and patience thing (I don't know about you but I hate those 2 words, even though I know that's what you gotta have).

I will leave. I have no one to leave my S with so I have to exit thru the front as she enters thru the back. My D is at a friends house, she didn't want to stay to see her mom and I had to respect her decision.

Your both right, there is NO more I can say. She knows I love her. She knows all she has to do is commit to no further contact with OM or OMP's. I will be as strong as I can and march out of here. If I can get thru today I might not have to do this again for another week.

Oh and Luvbird...Horses make PUCKEY!

I feel like I'm a fly in the middle of it at the moment.

Thanks guys for being there. I think I have the str8 to walk out now. Sometimes you just need a reminder. I can DO THIS, I MUST DO THIS!

You're right--you can do this!

And I just noticed where you said you need a counselor (hey, cut me some slack--it's 5:30 and I haven't been to sleep yet). You're right about that too. Get a counselor, go on anti-D's, whatever it takes to get you through this and keep you healthy and strong for your kids! Make sure you take care of YOU.

And when you really feel the need to pour your heart out to her, write a letter. Write it all out, then fold up the letter and put it away. You may want to get rid of it, you may want to show it to her later on when you are in recovery. I have letters that I wrote H back before we started recovery that he still hasn't seen (well, he knows where they are, and I'm always telling him I have nothing to hide, so maybe he has). Anyway, it's a way for you to express the feelings without jeopardizing your plan.

FM,

You know my story. We were looking at new homes too, and then she just up and left again. 3 weeks later she tries to get stuff from house and emails me about selling the house and paying her off. I sent plan B letter 10 days ago and haven't seen or heard a peep. This is so hard. I want to tell her I love her, but we've already done that. I 'm not sure if it works, but I'm gonna be strong and not give her the benefit of having me fill any sort of needs. They don't want us, let them see what it's like without us. Cross your fingers and I'll cross mine. I hope this works. Good luck buddy...
Joe

FM
"Good morning" friend!!!!

Did you get any sleep? I hope so <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

"Snap outta it!!!!" - 'Moonstruck'

You can do this ... just keep your eyes on the prize. Is the prize your W and family? Is the prize yourself and a healthy FM? Is the prize your peace of mind? "What's in your wallet?"

You are a strong .... loving ..... *GIVING* .... compassionate .... intelligent ..... insightful .... Husband and father. Be all those things to yourself right now .... I know easier said then done, when you're overwhelmed.

When I went through my "little breakdown", I kept a list of all the symptoms I recognized in my purse. Everytime I felt the slightest hint of depression I would check the list. I may have only had maybe 2 out of the 20 or so symptoms, and I felt better. (b/c I no longer had all 20). I could gange my "progress". The symptoms that kept rearing their fugly little heads - got 'treatment'. I learned that somethings won't just go away. They need care and understanding and then you live with them.

Now, since LINY and I have this 'problem' to deal with .... *WE* have a new list. This list has some extremely important 'keywords'. B/C both of have to remember those important words and what they MEAN TO US. I suppose I will take that list out and hope we have like 18 out of 20. Any less than that could mean they need 'treatment' - care and understanding - to be dealt with - and lived with.

Make a list and check it 2x's. Hell, make 2 or 3 lists if you have to. You can call them ....My LB list .... My FM list .... My kids list .... My WW list . All your lists of the *DO's* and *DON'T* will remind you of what it is you want and help you to have some clarity and focus.

Well, that's one thing that helps me. (I always have alot of stationery and post-its around the house - <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> )

I'll check on ya a little later my friend

PEACE - FAITH - HOPE - LOVE

Brown

FamilyMatters -

Plan A usually does not bring the WS back. It often takes Plan B.

I had a terrible time getting into a solid Plan B. My WH kept showing up at the house and baiting me into a relationship discussion. So don't to there.

I fell off the Plan B wagon several times. But once you get the hang of it, it's very pleasant. Just remember that there is nothing you can say to make them commit to the marriage. They have to decide on their own to do it. Plan B is your best bet.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Luvbird: And when you really feel the need to pour your heart out to her, write a letter. Write it all out, then fold up the letter and put it away. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'll start doing that! I sent her so many emails before all of this. I could send a hundred more, but I won't. I like your suggestion. It's a good way to express how I feel without saying it and blowing my duty <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Isnt this a shame, she arrives in 90 minutes and now I'm exhausted, but now I've gotta leave in 90 minutes...GEESH!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Joe: They don't want us, let them see what it's like without us. Cross your fingers and I'll cross mine. I hope this works. Good luck buddy... </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My fingers are triple crossed, I'd almost slice em off to get this over and done with. I will hang in a little longer Joe. I can't let my C's or myself down, I'm not sure if my W deserves this much sacrifice, sometimes I wonder if the shoe was on the other foot what she would do. Well, I guess if she had the fortune to find this sight and you great people, she'd do the same. Okay, All for One, One for All...race you to recovery; pffttt <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">brown: Make a list and check it 2x's. Hell, make 2 or 3 lists if you have to. You can call them ....My LB list .... My FM list .... My kids list .... My WW list . All your lists of the *DO's* and *DON'T* will remind you of what it is you want and help you to have some clarity and focus.

Well, that's one thing that helps me. (I always have alot of stationery and post-its around the house - [Smile] )

I'll check on ya a little later my friend

PEACE - FAITH - HOPE - LOVE
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Brown (Linys equal in crime)
Thanks for stopping thru and offering me such great advice. I could write enough notes to myself to deplete a rainforest, but I never was a greenpeace fan anyway...go save the innercities and cure aids you tree huggers. Sorry I'm deliriously tired at this point. I will write those reminders. I remember when I was a kid and I had this crappy job, but we really need me to have that crappy job; I kept a picture of my W in my wallet and whenever I thought about quitting I'd look at it *sigh and go back to work. I did quit that job eventually, but after I had secured a better job. Your suggestion does work and I will start using it soon. I think I'll drive to a park somewhere when she arrives and just sleep in my car. Anything not to be here. Getting back in without her seeing me will be the next test...Mission Impossible, but I'll knock and when she answers I'll come up with something. This is not easy, I need a mediator.

Thank you all for your support. I will not cave, keep my eyes on the goal right? Sanity would be nice, either I fall out of love with my W or I reclaim my W. I hope she still loves me enough beneath the fog to be my wife again. Well, there's only one way to find out.

Thanks again!

familymatters - That's the spirit! Just don't be dragged into any relationship talk. When you come back home, tell her thanks for coming to see the kids.

If she tries to talk about anything else, refer her to your Plan B letter.

FM
I does work!! Keeps focused on the *GOODS* and the *EVILS* - Try to get some rest .... oh and make sure you park somewhere that's ok .... you don't want the police to wake you up banging on your car window and ruin your well needed and deserved rest .... lol

Hang tough ... we'll check in L8R and C how ya doin'.

REST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

B

FM: sorry I wasn't there for your thread, man. Actually went to sleep "early" last night (3:30!)

Joe, Bob, luv, believer, brown: Thanks for giving FM some loving 2X4's! Was going to break mine out--I have one especially for FM--just as a friendly reminder that he *CAN DO THIS*.

Please give us an update on how things went. This is huge for you. I wish I could teach you how to "stuff". I think it's just an "art" you perfect over the years. Yech. But it's what you need when you are around her.

Bob had mentioned that he has been given the gift from God every time he sees his W one-on-one and what "comes out." FM, you have been given such a gift of passion and love. Now, it's just redirecting it so, ironically (and almost contradictory), you don't lose that for her.

Let us know how it went today!

FM.....Just logged on and if I figure right (time zone and all), you're taking a well-deserved nap under a tree in the park. And I do hope that the local Police don't disturb your rest. I'm picturing Patrick (from SpongeBob) right now! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

If nothing else, once again you proved your strength and obvious desire. You logged on at "da**, it's dark thirty" looking for support. I'm amazed at how quickly the responses came in. Reaffirms by belief that when I'm hitting the "way ups" or the "way downs", I have a place to come for help.

You can do this!!! Over the past 18 hours, I've experienced what you discussed occurred with you last year. I've got your threads (and many others) tucked away in my brain and when I feel my heart jumping up and saying "I think I'm going to speak now", I gently let my brain takeover. It seems to be working.....

Together we can keep up the good fight and someday (sooner or later), we'll find what so many others have found - peace of mind and joy in our hearts.......BTW, keep the drooling to a minimum when you're napping! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

......LS

FM...please don't tell me your spending the night in the pen because of something stupid like, having your engine idle in a no parking zone! (I was going to say loitering, but many would have taken that the wrong way! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> )

How'd it go?!?!?