Bob.... lead with your humility

Pray for a humble heart and a soft mouth when you interact with your wife....

I sense an increasing level of your desire to control the affair outcome in your posts...

What you can do is confront your own weaknesses, and change them.

Pray for humility .... ask God to give you the ability to be gentle with your WW and meet her needs with a gladness you currently do not have.

Give your hurt a voice, and speak to your wife about your wounds.

Pep

Bob, I just read something that "Faithinme" wrote....

Here it is


the power of love

Do you believe in the power of love Bob?

Tell us, what you can accomplish in your life using the "power of love"....

Tell us about the power of your love for your wife.... what does it look like right now? What form does it take? What words does it speak? What wounds does it gently touch?

Write to us about the power of love in Bob-ville...

Pep

Why is all the stuff I have to do in this gig stuff I am cr@p at ? * harumph! *

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Thanks Pep. UR right I want to smash the A into the ground, but I need to make sure that I am in a place to reclaim my Ws love when it DOES smash.

I just massaged her feet ( I bet OM doesn't know she love sthat) An dI looked into her eyes and said " You know, I have never known hurt like this before, yet I still love you. And y'know what else ? Part of that hurt is because I know YOU are hurting. Don't shut me out darl', Whatever happens, I don't want you to hurt. Can we talk about how we can not hurt?"

Then my DD came in. We're out for a family dinner 2night. I hope it will be nice.

Thanks Pep. ice broken.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Originally posted by Bob Pure:
when I know she will hurt me for fun as a response.

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Not true Bob.

She's hurting you with her hurt. There is no real joy in this for her.

You are not seeing her clearly.

She is like a wounded animal, who will scratch and snarl, and even bite if you approach it to try and tend the wound.

Let go of the wrong notion that she is enjoying hurting you. It is simply not true. That's your defensive wall talking.

Come out.

Pep

Pep

My WW was dying to talk. Not open heartedly, not yet, but dying to.

I broke the ice by getting some details about her katate club from her.

It led to other honest talk,me mostly listening, and me very wounded by some of her words.

In my interpretation there is no A now, except in the fainting hopes of my WW. I learned that for certain tonight.

She is scared. She is embarassed. She is disappointed, she is desperate. She is confused, she feels let down dreadfully by life and OM, nd she is covering it all with a front of cartoon confidence and aggression.

We talked tonight, after your advice more than anytime sice since d-day. It was the first of many humbling, loving, tearful discussions I hope.

We will not need plan B I do not think. WW is smashed but is fearful that I may wreak vengeance upon her for her 'sin' against me if she returns to me for practical reasons. She is in fear of this - it is why she scours my mail and PC - she fears I will steal the kids and wreak some havic upon her.
She also fears I will never trust her again, and although she knows doesn't deserve trust she cannot live beholden to anyone, even me. This scares her too.

She knows that contact with OM is bad but she can't help it right now. She wanst to know where she stands, why he has gone dark, how can she help him recover from his tragedy. She is hurt that he is not returning her calls. She is hurt that she cannot help him.

My poor WW is crumbling like a shop front in an earthqauake. Today has been bad for her. Very bad.

I didn;t know what to say but my heart went out to her - I just held her tight, first time in weeks, and told her that I care as much for her now as when I first fell in love with her 22 years ago. I said that our care for each other has overcome many problems in the past and I had faith that it could do so again. She became upset and backed off, so we watched a movie. Still watching a movie. Daredevil. Cr@ap <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

A huge evening in the progress of our recovery I think. Dear God. Yes.

pep, you were right. We have pulled a cork. It was hard to hear some of that tonight, but it was a start. There will be more.

She already asked ME to a Karate demonstration tomorrow. First time she has asked me to a sport event in years.

Poor girl. If i suspected my $LB was empty for her I was wrong. I would kill for or die for her tonight. She is the woman God gave me for life. I am her man for ever. No jerk OM could ever change that.

I am no longer out of gas. I can walk this path, all of it.

* tears *

Back to Daredevil

<small>[ August 29, 2004, 03:53 PM: Message edited by: Bob Pure ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Bob Pure:
<strong>
I am no longer out of gas. I can walk this path, all of it.

* tears *

Back to Daredevil </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That's the ticket BOB!
I love your resilience! I feel that way at times too, once I awaken from my own frustration and despair I realize that's why I'm her H, because I can help us overcome this. I am a big enough human being to love her when she is at her least deserving of love.

Daredevil? Well at least you aren't watching a movie with one of those romanticizing affair plots that only inflame the situation. Daredevil was a very crappy movie' how do you say? It was Shiet!
Where I'm from we'd say it was some BullS* Anyway, it sounds like your getting your 2nd or 3rd wind and I'm glad to hear it.

Hang TOUGH!

<small>[ August 29, 2004, 04:01 PM: Message edited by: FamilyMatters ]</small>

Bob, listen carefully....

Next step ... when timing is appropriate...

Ask your W

Bob: "I need a favor (favour)"

WW: "What?" (eyeing you suspiciously)

Bob: "I would like for us to hold hands and to pray together."

Then keep asking if she has the time to do this favor for you .... Request until she does this favor for you .... keep asking "Do you have time to pray with me now?"

Eventualy, she will do this. She aches to get back in touch with God. THIS is one of her wounds. THIS is also one of her needs OM could not meet.... as he was in sin with her.

BOB! In your prayer, ask God to humble your heart. Say this prayer aloud to God in your WW's presence.

"God, I ask you to humble me in my pridefulness. I pray for your Grace, your guidance, and your mercy."

Then tell me what happends next.

Pep XOXO

Dont mind me... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

*Saving thread for hope of futures use..thank you Pep

Pep, can I marry you? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

You have it exactly right. And, Bob and everyone else, you know that this is coming from me, the FWW. I know I said the "fights" cleared the air and they did. But Pep's way's better.

Jen

Bob, for awhile, when I was reading your messages, I felt like you would have liked to treat your wife like she were your dog.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> It was almost like you had a choker chain around her neck and kept pulling on it, trying to get her to be submissive to YOUR will.

HOWEVER, we want our mates to WANT to be faithful...not be faithful because we have some kind of POWER over them....that is not so good.
I have heard a LOT of threats from you but is that the way you want to keep your wife?

She is hurting right now....maybe as much as you...she has basically been 'dumped' by her lover!

You and her talk today sounds like a good start to recovery.....it takes an exceptional amount of UNDERSTANDING...I am a BW so I know what I am talking about!

I will write a little more in the next post.
Sincerely, Julie <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

pep, FM my head is in bits right now....my love for her has never been greater. I will do anything I can to stop her hurting. She hurts as much as, maybe more than I do BUT she is also conscious of her decision to betray so also feels guilty, and fearful of her smashed reputation. I KNOW I will be OK at the end of this, whetever the outocme. WW doesn;t see how she can ever be OK again without OM.

I hurt, but all our loved ones support me. SHE hurts and they all think she's a low-morals betrayer of that "nice man" Bob.

Poor girl. I love her, and I cannot bear for her to hurt so.

My head is in bits with this stuff, but my heart, well, that is whole. I love her. I will do what I need to stop her hurt and to (hopefully)win back her heart.

What God has joined together, let no man put asunder.

Many hard conversations coming I am sure.

Pep, I love the praying together for grace and humilty. You sting me that I have not prayed for humilty so far in this crisis. In my wounded pride I felt I deserved the moral high-horse. All that is CR@P when my WW needs me to help stop her hurt.

We say grace together as a family every meal, but we have not prayed as a family since d-day.

Pep, in a career of great advice and help to folks on this board I doubt you have ever offered such insight before, nor that it had begun to deliver so quickly. God bless you richly dear pepperband.

And yes, your posts should be saved for the use of all in my position. In OUR position.

* sigh* Drained now. a glass of wine and bed I think.

<small>[ August 29, 2004, 04:46 PM: Message edited by: Bob Pure ]</small>

Bob,

This whole thread reads like such a wonderful, beautiful love story. It brings tears to my eyes!

I just wanted to cut in here to ask if you have the book: "Power of a Praying Husband" by Stormie Omartian.

If not, GET IT TODAY! Pray it. Every day. For your W's healing and growth.

God Bless, brother.

Dear Marriage Board Friends and Bob.
I went to a funeral yesterday and the sermon had this thought:

In the 23rd Psalms, we are always quoting: "He restoreth my soul"

Think of it like a classic car or antique furniture that has been restored...It is often better than new. (Or at least as good as new.)

When God restores our sin-sick souls, they too can be Glorious and Wonderfully Beautiful; perhaps even better than before!

Love, Julie <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<small>[ August 29, 2004, 04:43 PM: Message edited by: Blessed TIME ]</small>

Blessed time

I am sickened at your comments. Revolted. They are completely without foundation and utterly undeserved in my opinion. You confuse my comments on here with my actions and contributions in real life. This MB is my PRIME confidante in this mess. The only place I can bounce ideas, vent, learn.

What I post here is translated into the best , loving plan A I can execute. Not perfect I am certain, but in NO WAY controlling, choker chain, oppressive. Plan A affects ME not my WW. I have so little POWER over her that I continue to fund a second cellphone used only to contact her OM ! How exactly does that inform your picture of me as a control freak ?

More than that your comments are unhelpful to me and to anyone else reading the posts by wise heads on here for guidance.

IMO your conclusions pollute a thread that contains wonderful inspirational guidance from others.

Congratulations BT,you have managed to steal the first positivity I have had in many many days in this hoirrible situation. I trust this meets with your approval......

Bob, you cannot let one negative comment affect your whole outlook on your life and marriage, can you?

BT no, it just makes me realise that all advice and opinion, even on this board, is not of equal merit.

<small>[ August 29, 2004, 04:49 PM: Message edited by: Bob Pure ]</small>

And my whole purpose in the 'restoreth my soul' post is that when your wife comes around, her soul can be RESTORED into something BEAUTIFUL.

I am sorry if I offended you...I told you I felt you wanting to control her in your earlier posts...not so much lately.

I even went to bed at night thinking about your posts, more than anyone elses...I was troubled by your lack of genuine empathy over the loss of the OM's son....we recently lost a beloved son-in-law and my H's former OW sent a card and it was received graciously!

Sincerely, Julie <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

BT I cried with OM GF for five wordless minutes on the phone over OMs sons death.

Did I post that ? No. Theres a lot I don't prost despite my high post rate.

What I am not is PC. I will not lie on here to make people think I am nicer than I truly am.

I hate and loathe OM. I wish him nothing but ill and I supress a real desire to cause him ill. I cursed him in prayer, earnestly like Elisha cursed the mocking youths. BUT I am a father and I am sorry for his loss.

In fact I stayed my "exposure" hand against the advice of many old hands who wanted me to press home the advantage while he was weak.I cannot yet pray for his prosperity, but I have begun praying that all affected by the tragedies of both premature death and infidelity are healed by our Merciful God.

OM GF and her son are in my prayers daily. If OMs restoration are what they need to be happy , then I pray for that.

I am many things, but not a monster nor a hypocrite.

And by the way, God gave me the 23rd psalm anew when I was broken down by grief two weeks ago. He translated it for me. He is our shepherd - that is he cares fo rall of us NOT with a choke chain, but by choosing pastures for us, keeping us on the path with his rod, and defending us from attack with his staff. NOT JUST ME, but ALL involved in his flock.

HE restores my soul when it is smashed. HE will see me prosper before my enemies. When I feel I have nothing IN FACT My cup runs over with blessings.

I cried and cried alone in the ruins of an old priory as God told me " be still, and know that I am God" and gave me that psalm's meaning anew.

I don't think the two of you should be going on the attack and then editing things out of your posts. Please be accountable for the things you write.

GC