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GC my edits are spellings only apart from a barely comprehensible rant in my second post to BT that I made slightly more sensible thrugh edit.
I have only ever censored my 'cartoon violence' posts that so offended JustJ the other day.
I want no fight but I am outraged at the injustice of this slur. But as Springers's guests say " whatever"
This has been a big day in the evolution of our drama. BT is entitled to her opinion, I am entitled to disagree.
<small>[ August 29, 2004, 05:11 PM: Message edited by: Bob Pure ]</small>
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Dear Bob. When you get to the place that you accept that your wife is just as responsible for the affair as the OM, then you will see things a little clearer. I am a year past discovery (the OW was single and has since married and had a baby.) What I am saying is if we call the other person names (such as ratmeat by 2long <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> ) we are basicially calling our mates that...so if you hate the OM, you are also hating the wife you love....Does that make any sense? If you wish him 'ill' for his actions, then you wish the same on your wife. When I got to the place of blessed forgiveness, which only came in TIME...I no longer had that awful feeling in my stomach when I thought of 'her' and the affair.... Sincerely, Julie <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> And Bob this is just my thoughts, take them with a grain (or two) of salt! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> Bob, I sincerely hope your wife is like my husband in that, although they got derailed for awhile, they get and stay ON TRACK! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
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Hi graycloud...my edits are for spelling errors also...lol And always remember, Mr. graycloud: "Back of the clouds the sun is always shining, after the storm your skies will all be blue"...that is a favorite hymn of mine by the way. Love, Julie <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
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UtOh...double clicked so same post twice.
<small>[ August 29, 2004, 05:20 PM: Message edited by: Blessed TIME ]</small>
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Thank you Julie. Sorry if I misunderstood, you two. Your edits made it hard to tell what you were arguing about.
I think Bob's control problem, if he has one, is common for a lot of us BS. Accepting the lack of it one of the first things I had to learn, and I still get fooled often into thinking I have some. I don't think this is so much a sign of something in our character as it is a symptom of us being in situations where we are being hurt badly and desperately want to do all we can to stop it.
Lots of us are "fixers" too.
GC
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BT I reserve the right to treat people who hurt me whom I love differently to those who hurt me whom I do not.
Also I reserve the right to consider the previously impeccable and upstanding behaviour of my WW until this A in a differnt light to the OMs pre-A serial womanizing, triple divorcee, serial family breaking, counterfeiting, stealing , lazy wastrel amoral behaviour.
I HATE what my wife has done, but I love her. I HATE what OM has done but his morality apart from the A also sickens me. He is a thoroughly unpleasant piece of work.
Even if he had not had an A with my WW I would still consider him to be the scum of the earth with whom I would not choose for my family to associate.
Am I glad his son died ? Of course not ! His Son has been a victim of OMs foul , selfish ways over the years as I have been recently. Do I wish OM well beause of his tragedy ? Absolutely not. I pray God heals broken hearts in his family, but I cannot pray for him to prosper. My faith does not allow me to turn the other cheek more that I already have by not fully exposing him at this time of crisis.
See what I mean about not being PC ?
BTW saying 'take my comments with a pinch of salt; is a cheat and you know it.
" I think you are a monstrous contol freak. There my opinion is out there now, I can ask folk not to take it too seriously, though I HAVE gotten my point out there already".
To think I was feeling OK just an hour ago...
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Bob....
Look at your wound..... look deep inside....
Hold hands with your W and pray and cry over your wound.
Ask your wife to help you Bob ....Pep
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pep I can't. Not yet. When I even peel back the bandage its too scary. I can no way expose it or look at it yet. It scares me how deeply I am gashed and how Plan a/MB/humour/ keeping busy have kept my mind my my love and self respect bleeding to death through this gash. My WW has delivered nme a maybe mortal wound and I am scared to look at it. The tears come silently just thinking about it.
Maybe soon. Don't make me go there yet Pep. I'm not strong enough yet., WW can't do it yet.
I may die if I open it up now.
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This is not about "feeling OK" at the moment...
It is about being real...
You have kids, do you own a copy of the children's book
"The Velveteen Rabbit"...?
If you do, ask your W if she will let you read a story to her today.... She's going to think you are going to pull out the Harley Bible, or something....
Instead.... read The Velveteen Rabbit to her.....
It's about getting wounded, and worn..... and becoming "real" because of love.
It's a kids book every affair-troubled marriage ought to read aloud together.
Pep
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Do the book Bob... it's a sideways look into wounding.
Pep
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O Pep I haveta stop crying before I go to bed now !
Its an LB to cry in front of WS. I have avoided it for weeks, but all the reminder of how dreadfully I am hurt, and unhealed has made me shake and sob.
I'll give it a few mins deep breathing then join my wife in our chaste couch.
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Read the velveteen rabbit and I'm afraid my clumsiness and English restraint have stoppped me fully comprehending the message I'm afraid <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />
Through love the rabbit became real to the boy, although shabby. When abandoned by the boy who loved him, eventually the rabbit become real to everyone,by becoming a genuine rabbit by magic ?
Please help me get the message, pep.
It wasn't LOVE that wounded me it was apathy and deceit. My wounding wasn't a necessary side-effect of years of love by my WW as the shabbiness was of the rabbit.
Help !
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<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> BOB!
What makes you think YOU are the rabbit? I said read it to your W.
Pep
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pep, my head hurts !
I never was any good at this stuff. I need a concordance to help with most scripture as well !
Thanks Pep. I'm off to bed now I''ve close dthe bandage back up again... What a day...
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Nite Bob...
You sleep well. OK?
You said your W is an RN... I am too. I am an RNP .... (advanced practice nurse practitioner... I don't know what the British equivilent is, if any.)
Nurses like to take care of wounds... It doesn't frighten us so much.
Take care, sleep well.
Pep
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Blessed TIME:
<strong>When I got to the place of blessed forgiveness, which only came in TIME...I no longer had that awful feeling in my stomach when I thought of 'her' and the affair....
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">BT, I understand what your trying to communicate but I think that type of forgiveness takes time. No one here is a saint. Forgiveness is something you find during recovery probably very difficult to obtain while you spouse is still seeking out OP. You think?
Somehow in the long run I would pray for the grace to be that spiritually grounded a person to see no ill will towards the OM in this terrible scenario, but right now, forgiving my W is all I can muster, in fact I feel blessed to have the strength to do that. How long did it take for you to become so empathetic to OW, was it while your H was still with OW? Or was it after he had returned to you and the healing process had begun?
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Family Matters...Yes, it takes LOTS of time and even then, some people can never forgive...And NO, I couldn't have had 'empathy' if he were still in the affair and seeing her....When I found out, the affair was over! It was easier for me because I never thought of the OW as a bad woman, scum of the earth, immoral and the like....she was a 'nice' young lady that got 'derailed' and fell head over heels (smitten) for MY husband...and he soaked up her attention like a sponge! It was SHE that quit him and found a man that she could marry and have children with; not a MM that belonged to someone else! Husband went through deep withdrawal from all the attention that she gave him...I have said before that I even encouraged him calling her (in my presence) several times...In our case, NO CONTACT only made him long for her that much more...When he heard her voice and heard her say that she was HAPPY with her new love, it helped him accept that it was OVER. We have come a long way since then.... I don't know if you read something I wrote earlier but an old high school sweetheart has called and e-mailed me and I went for two car rides with him; shared passionate kisses with him. In a way, I am glad I did because it has helped me have an understanding how a person can get DERAILED....I came to my senses and have told this fellow that we can't talk privately or see one another anymore unless in a group setting. (We live in the same small town.) I actually miss his attention...I think the sweet attention from another is probably what kindles most affairs! Sincerely, Julie <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <small>[ August 29, 2004, 09:18 PM: Message edited by: Blessed TIME ]</small>
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Bob Pure: It scares me how deeply I am gashed and how Plan a/MB/humour/ keeping busy have kept my mind my my love and self respect bleeding to death through this gash.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Bob, just remember, in the words of John Cleese, "It's just a flesh wound." <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> I, of course, know it is not, but figured maybe you needed a grin. BT...just a thought...would you be this self-righteous if that OW did *NOT* find another man and stayed with your H or made things more "difficult" than presumably they already were? If yes, I guess that makes me that much worse off. If no, I guess that makes me just that much worse off. Just a thought...
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Pep said: </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Nurses like to take care of wounds... It doesn't frighten us so much. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Even when the nurse quite knowingly made the wound themselves ?.... I slept six hours, no drugs. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> LINY thanks ! LOL ! " Come back here you yellow B@5t@70, I'll bite yer legs!" When will have an undramatic, loving, happy and content family day again ? *sigh * Ah well, lets gird my loins for whatever today brings.
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Bob, for 6 months, maybe longer we had the "A" talk every night from 3 in the morning till 6 in the morning.
One Friday night we both said "let's just give this a rest for a night" and we did.
I can't predict what's going to happen with you - I'm not going to give you any false hope but yes, we have perfectly normal, happy days now.
Jen
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