Yesterday we went to RC. I was very hopeful about him agreeing to come to RC, but again it was kind of the same response. He told the C that he was there because "I asked him to come". Then he also denied to the C that he had been hurt by my A - he said he was "shocked", which was true, but he wouldn't admit to having been either hurt or angry. Since it was only 2-3 months ago, I very clearly remember his anger, hurt and sadness.

I feel like he is rewriting history in order that it fit with his new concept , that we are both "free" to have relationships with others whenever we like (meaning that he is "free", because he knows I feel nothing but regret about my actions, would never think of repeating it (!!)). I want instead just for us to be able to understand this and work towards a closer relationship.

He also downplayed his past depressions to the C, even implying that he was just a little down on only one occasion. Again, my memory of his repeated depressions, sometimes lasting months, is quite different.

Obviously this is his issue and there is only so much I can do.

But I just don't know I can work on our relationship while it seems that he may be just passing time while he looks out for someone else, especially when he still hasn't been able to tell me that he loves me, 3 1/2 months after d-day.

If anyone has any ideas I'm open to them!!

Hi Smur,

I do not know what anybody else would say but I think I would use Plan B at this point. You are getting nothing from this relationship and he is using you. He is disrespecting and not listening to you at all. He is being estreemly selfish.

Smur

gday how r ya?

you know, your H does sound in some ways a bit like me in the first few days except he hasn't moved along at all.
I had those thoughts of well - I'll go & have a few girlfriends and bonk them silly, I'll do it right in our house too. etc etc etc.... you know you hurt me I'll hurt you more, & it will give me CONTROL. That was a biggy.

To me the lack of moving along is a very big sign he was actually overwhelmed by pain, hurt the thought of betrayal, he cant find his way out of it in normal experiences so seeks a 'logical' way to accept what has happened...an open style marriage..or divorce in waiting basically.
I guess it could happen to any BS.
it seems to be almost obsessive in the way he reacts right now. I would guess he has these 'pictures' of you & the OM and just keeps playing them over and over inside his head.......like I do, thats apparently normal.

Smur I really feel he needs IC right now not MC or RC...... that should come a bit later. He needs to work out how he will react to it all ina healthy way, & it will be bloody hard for him.

thanks aussie2,

I spose that is actually what I was afraid of - that he might be so overwhelmed by his pain that he is not able to allow himself to feel it at all. If this is the case, I don't see how we're going to get through this. Going to IC is exactly what he doesn't feel the need for right now, because he is not in any pain. He feels fine. He says, he is not having pictures of me with OM - he is not even thinking about me much - although he told me he did in the first few weeks.

The strange thing is that this exact same pattern happened to him once before - his girlfriend of 7 years had an A - and he reacted in the same way - he was initially devastated, then he decided he wanted an open relationship, then they split up, by which time he already had another girlfriend. When he was with her, in the years before her A, he also would often get depressed and then insecure and jealous when she went away for work or out with girlfriends etc. He did the same with me. I think its related to his childhood insecurity.

I don't want to try and excuse what I did in any way. I have been trying to understand what I did, because it was actually out of character for me, as I see myself. I never imagined I could do this. I think his demands for reassurance about my love, as well as his depressions and his strong will about us moving OS are all part of the reason why I felt a need to be in control of my life and why I decided (on that particular evening, which I now wish so much I could have again) not to think about his feelings but just about my own.

In any case, I understand, Genia, your idea about Plan B. That would probably make him face his pain, but I could imagine it would be devastating for him. I think its likely he would just give up on me, the whole thought would be too painful for him. I'm not sure if I could do it, either for him or for me. On the other hand, living in this limbo is really painful.