2scared...I am thinking about ya...hope your dinner with your wife goes well. Your rent rocks...haven't paid that little since college! California real estate sucks!

Fogless and 2scared: thanks for the continued advice. It truly helps to hear that I am doing the right thing. I really am only following my heart. It is hard because as he starts to ask nicer to me, I long for him more! I am horny <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> ! It has been much to long since that need has been fulfilled <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> I guess it will make our hopeful reconcilation set off fireworks!

Next week, I leave for Ironman Wisconsin (training for IM Hawaii). He was actually supposed to train and do this race with me but obviously is no longer going to. I plan on sending him a postcard from the race. Should I try talking to him via phone long distance or is the postcard enough? I really want to try to meet up for dinner/movie/anything before I leave. Hopefully he won't continue turning me down.

Thanks again for all your advice!

Have a great holiday weekend ( :

K

2scared...just read your post...so glad the dinner went well <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

K-

When you go to run the race picture H naked with candles lit and soft music at the finish line. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Then run like you're really interested.

Call and send postcard. The card will be a nice visual but takes a long time to get there.

2scared

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by TreeReich:
<strong> Fogless.....
Can I ask you a question????
My story is too long to post but my WH dropped the bomb on July 20th and is already now telling me he is filing for divorce. We have been married for 14 yrs. and have an 8 yr. old son.

He is still in contact with OW. How can he make such a rash decision about divorce when I just found out? He says he loves me but like a father does a child. What????? What is he talking about? He says our son will be fine and we can still be firends......he is in the fog bigtime. I think I'm doomed for divorce. Will he ever wake up and realize what he's doing?????? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Tree,
I wanted to respond I hope you dont mind me being a buddinsky..whatever that is. Just reading your statement of how he's being so quick to jump to his conclusions on your M leads me to believe it has ALOT more to do with whats going on with OW than whats going on with M. I know thinking his focus has totally switched to this OW is painful, but in a sense it's important that you realize this may be the case, so you do not over internalize the sitch. In my experience, the OW had many many problems. That's why I became so entangled to begin with.

Were there any issues in the M prior to the A that stick out to you now?

For me, there were many. I felt over burdened and suffocating in a M where I shouldered the majority of the anxieties in the M. If there was a problem, my W stepped back and waited for me to fix it, if we had an argument she would run away, I had to always be the one to break the tension in the home, she would walk around for days upset about little things, unless I said something she was content letting issues fester. I have no excuse for my A but I'm telling you the things that percipitated my actions. So it might not be a big scene that causes a S to stray, it may be a "condition" in the M that has been left untreated for quite sometime, then an opportunity presents itself and then the evil moons aline, and WHALLAH, someones in an A.

I hope I'm being supportive and if you answer with more detail I'll try to offer more direct advice based on my own stupidity and now comprehension.

Stay strong!

FM
(edited for tone, & spelling not content)

<small>[ September 02, 2004, 10:50 PM: Message edited by: FamilyMatters ]</small>

Funny you talk about running naked because I am participating in a charity event called Teddy's and Tennies on Saturday...there is an award for the "least dressed" runner (it is mine for the taking <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ). I will plan on the postcard and call. Let's hope that he actually picks up the phone (he has avoided my phone calls in the past). In the meantime, I will see if he wants to get together on Labor day for a picnic on the beach.

Thanks again for all your advice...have a great weekend. I cannot believe it is Labor Day...this has been the worst summer of my life and consequently I am glad to see it end for the first time in my life!

Fglss

Just to let you know I am here, mostly on the "Recovery" board. I am a WS. I will remain so until W says I am not a WS.

I haven't read every word here but there was one line that popped out at me it came from 2scrd ihe wrote:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">To answer your question if we hold on to the OW till we know there is a payoff of something else... HECK YEAH! </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I hope I am mis-understanding but are you saying that as a WS in the midst of an A you "held onto the OW" while your W made up her mind ?". If so then your W should have left you. Never-the-less it sounds as though you are "recovering" but part of the foundation for recovery is that there will be no contact with the OP. Recovery begins with NC.

I as well as many others are here to support each other through the process called "Recovery". I feel that everyone here cheers for our triumphs and weeps in our defeats. All here have been touched by an A in some way and it seems each individual is able to shed some light on our path out of the mess we find ourselves. I do hope that I can be a help to you and others if only by my sharing others can know that we are not all that unique.
H

<small>[ September 02, 2004, 11:46 PM: Message edited by: Hiker ]</small>

Hiker,

I'll address that (fogless jump in there to).

In my relationship I did cut off contact with OW even while my W was walking away from me as fast as she could go. It was one of the hardest things I have ever done. I was emotionally so deeply connected and afraid that I was going to lose both with the decision. BUT I had been reading Surviving an Affair and knew that I must establish NC in order to have a chance with my W.

BUT, everything inside of me was crying out "foul". I WANTED to hold on to the OW until my M decided if she wanted to stay and work on us or divorce. This IS the internal struggle that goes on. In my mind I wanted to know there was hope and something to go toward if I let go of the OW (after 2 years).

If you read the post I was responding to you will see that her WH was wanting to know if she was going to make a decision toward reconcilliation. IF she was interested, he would put an end to the OW and committ. She found that a weird attitute.

My comment was that in the FOG of denial and the pain of withdrawl there is the internal feeling that you will only give up the A if there is something to go back to. Not a lose-lose. This is very true if they have never been presented with MB princilples and the BS has never told them to give up the OW and then restoration can begin. In "limbo-land" when the BS is mad and rejecting any hope or offing no willingess to committ then the natural emotion of the WS is to hang on to the OW until they know what's going to happen.

I do agree with you that you have to give up OW before there is a chance of reconciliation. But in the fog that's hard to see. We are trying to give the BS's on this board insight into the minds of the WH while they are in the fog. Think back hiker... do you remember the fogbound pain of trying to decide to let go of the OW? That's where I was coming from.

To the WS out there... LET GO OF THE OP. It is a disease and a poison that will KILL any chance of recovery! LET IT GO! Yes, it hurts. Withdrawl is very painful, but if you don't...there is no hope at all. Your stuck in a deception and lie. Let it go!

Hiker, I hope this explain where I was coming from. Jump in anytime!

2scared

Hiker,

I guess what I'm trying to say is that this thread is aimed at giving BS's insight into the mind of a WS in the fog. We are trying to explain why WS's make some of the stupid decisions they do and let the BS bounce off of us questions that don't make "normal" sense.

We would all agree that you have to let go of the OP.

2scared

How 'bout you former WSs give a look at the thread by "myste". She needs some help that BSs may not be able to provide.

Thanks,
WAT

Continued attempts for a date with H...never have been rejected so many times in my life. Should I really be asking daily or perhaps only once a week. I have never been rejected like this so I am not sure the proper etiquette in this F****ed situation I am in. My e-mail to him this am:

Hey S,

Was flipping thru channels last night and there was a large influx of channels covering football. It must be that time of the year again and I am banking on the fact that you are excited. Of course there is no way the Raiders will touch the Bears (ha ha ha)! Saw the Chargers crushed the 49ers. Perhaps San Diego will have something to cheer about this year? Have you ever been to a Charger game...went a couple times when I was able to walk from my place in Mission Valley. It was actually pretty fun attending the game rather than sitting on a hard barstool for the game...we should go sometime.

Football season also means the start of reality tv and our beloved OC ( : Remember all our days building up excitement for shows like Temptation Island and nights holding each other watching these classy shows ( ha). Regardless, it will be nice to have some tv to watch again although it isn't the same when I can't share the excitement with you and cuddle with you on our couch.

Well, back to reality of getting my day started...will be pretty busy until 3pm but then I have a beloved massage that I won at the Imperial Beach triathlon! Tomorrow, I am doing the Balboa 4-miler in the morning...I remember when Paul had the hardest time announcing me as KB rather than KM during the 2001 season after our wedding! MD was supposed to host a barbecue Sat afternoon but I haven't heard from him so am not sure if it is a go...if so, do you have any interest in going to see them with me? Sat night, I am tentatively planning to do a charity event for Challenged Athletes Foundation...called Tennies and Teddies...yes, you guessed it. Running in your underwear. IT is actually hosted by the Hash House so I am going to relate it back to the SDTC beer run we have attended...I guess there are beer stops each mile! Should be interesting. Am riding long on Sunday and have a few bbq's to attend in the afternoon but don't have much going on at night if you are interested in meeting me somewhere for dinner/movie. Same goes for Monday...I am completely open. Again, it would be nice to get together before I leave for Wisconsin. Perhaps having a picnic on the beach or just grabbing a bite to eat somewhere may interest you.

Well, have a great day. Hopefully you were able to get in touch with Ken and Dan...it will be convenient for you guys to hang out more since they are just down the street. One of these days, I want to come up and see your new workplace. Rumour has it that you actually have an office rather than a cubicle...pretty cool ( :

Love always,

K

Ok...off the wall question...what can I say, my mind is racing for H.

This may be completely stupid and it is kind of embarassing for me to even be sharing this BUT:

Last night, I was thinking of ways that I could meet my H's sexual needs while we are separated. I had this idea that I could send a pair of my animal print underwear (that he really got off on whenever I'd wear them) along with a card stating..."Thinking of you." and perhaps with an enclosed picture of us in it. Is this just over the top? I have NEVER done or even thought of doing anything of the sort...again kind of embarassing to even be sharing this. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Thoughts?

He seems to be dodging the bullet whenever I ask him about getting together...don't know how much more rejection I can take. Perhaps he is just asking more nice because he is happier with her <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Good luck with your races and training this weekend! I will try and give you a call on Sunday or Monday, as I need to give you your insurance card, and I also got your SBC bill again. Have lots of fun this weekend, it sounds like you have lots going on.

-S

2scrd,

Thanks for clarifying hat for me and in that light it all does make sense.

H

kjb

I think your "thinking of you" idea is great. How about a spritz of his favorite perfume too?

H

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Yes, I suppose getting a whiff of me while he looks at my underwear and picture won't be so bad. I am sure he'll get off somehow (ha ha ha) and perhaps that will at least trigger a friendly phone call to me!

I guess I am having trouble not knowing what is in my H's head with respect to our marriage. After acting angry at the world early on in our separation, he now seems to be acting more nice even though he has continuously rejected my offers to get together. Am I just stupid? He seems to be coming out of the fog a bit but I hate being rejected...I want to know if he still desires a future with me or he is just soaking up my positivity to build his shattered ego. After all, I have a sinking suspicion that his sudden happiness may have to do with a new relationship...although wouldn't he be trying to drive me away if this were the case? He seems to be acting nice. Ok...I am just rambling now. I guess I just need some input as to where you guys think his head may be. Am I hoping for something that may not even be there? Am I setting myself up for devastation again? Help!

Thanks...K

Ok...so H seems to still be lying to me. I had asked him to come over for dinner tonite; he said he was going to meet and go out with some friends who live close to his workplace (Labor Day traffic is hellish and his work is about an hour away from home). Well, I had to get out the house as I didn't want to sulk or be bored tonite but on my way home, I just wanted to see if H really went out. Nope....his truck was parked right outside his new apartment...ugh. A lot of my guy friends say that if he were seeing someone else right now that he wouldn't be acting so nice to me. However, why would he lie? Is it just too painful for him to hang out with me because of his hurtful actions toward me? I am doing everything to let him know that I will and have forgiven him, that he is welcome to come home. Other than being nice, he just hasn't given me any other signs that would indicate that he wants our marriage to work <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> . I will continue to try to get him to see me...especially before I leave on my trip next Thursday. He did respond to my request to hang out on Labor Day at the beach by saying that he'd call me on Sunday or Monday...but I think he was more thinking he would just drop by my new health insurance card (yes, he has kept me under his plan). Any thoughts? I am going crazy not knowing what is in his head...want to know why he is lying to me still and seemingly afraid to hang out.

Thanks...have an awesome Labor Day weekend!

K

K-

I know it's hard but don't push too fast. Slow down just a little. Keep him off balance.

If he doesn't live too far away send him an email that says: "I was thinking that I might drop off the insurance card to your apartment tonight if I get time. Maybe we enjoy a quick drink while we catch up on the week. See you tonight if I can work it out"

Then sit tight. If he's meeting the OW he will panic thinking that you might stop by and catch him. He might respond with a "no thank's K, I won't be home". He might change his plans and tick off the OW. Anyway, sit tight and don't go by. If he asks tell him you got busy and will try again the next day. Play with this man's head.

Be nice and continue to offer to meet for fun times...and always bring it back to a cool memory... "it reminds me of the run we did down hwy 1...Gosh we had a ball on that trip". You might even make a comment that your hormones are rageing. Plant seeds that you want him...

Just don't overdo it. Hang in there. You're not being shut down as bad as some. Patience.

2scared

Thanks 2-

I had a good morning...won another race, this time a cross country run (got some gear, a big trophy, and a free massage which is much needed). A good friend of mine and H's took me out for breakfast and gave me his input, a male perspective on the situation which was good. It will be interesting to see if H asks me about my race at all...he will see it in the paper if anything. Some friends of ours are having a BBQ tonite...I want to ask H to go but know he may feel somewhat at ease since the hosts (who were at our wedding and have known H longer than me) know of his hurtful actions towards me. I was given the direct invite..he was not. Any suggestions? Should I let him alone? I just put on a sexy skirt and feeling pretty good so perhaps it would be good for him to see me now?
It is just so hard to hold back when I am always racing to win (whether it be to reconcile our love, a triathon, or running race)!

Have a great weekend...thanks for your continued guidance.

-K

K,

wow, I'm tired just reading about all the training, running and triathons you talk about...

Hey, let H sit and wonder for awhile.. Go to the BBQ, don't invite him. After wards send him a short email letting him know how much fun you had, and how you got so many compliments on the outfit you were wearing, (you could describe it if you like, letting him know how sexy you felt in it).. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> ) Don't mention if anyone ask about him... I agree with 2scared, time to play with him abit... I say lay off abit, see how he reacts to you not jumping to meet him, go out, etc. As long as he thinks he has you "waiting" for him, he will just push that as far as he can..

Stick with it, your doing great..

fogless...

KJB

I think you have said enough to him...he gets it...now it's his turn. As 2scrd said "sit tight". I say be available but just not to available.

Have a nice time at the BBQ...send him your running clothes <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

H