This is the only response I get... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />
Is he just dodging the bullet because he is thinking or just doesn't want to be married???? When shall I expect he actually start depositing into my love bank? I am hurting big time in the affection category...

Glad to hear you had a good time. Hope your prep for Kona is going well. I'm sure you will do great. Take it easy.

-Scott

So I asked H what his plans for the weekend are...not sure if this is good or bad. His friend (and one of his groomsmen) is getting married at the end of the month and having a baceholor party this weeekend (see below). The kicker is that Kenny was married before and cheated on and has horrible memories of how he was betrayed by his former wife. I know H knows about Kenny's past so perhaps this is good that he'll be around Kenny this weekend since he may be able to talk some sense into him. Of course a drunken festival at a casino and most likely strippers may not be the perfect scenario. Chances are H will have to confront all his groomsmen and friends who know what he has done...any thoughts on whether this is good or bad?

"Kenny's bachelor party is this weekend. We are all spending the weekend at some casino in north county and then coming down on Sunday for the Charger game."

Take care,
-S

K-

Your email was perfect. You did great...memories, fun times, feelings, no bashing. Good job!

Now, will he write a wonderful response. No.

BUT, it WILL lodge in his mind and haunt him over and over as he thinks about what he is doing and how you are responding. When his world crashes he will know he wants YOU.

Let me tell you an intimate story about something my wife said to me. I made no comment at the time, but her words dug into my heart forever. I will never forget. We were making love for the first time in a while and it was going much faster than I wanted. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> I said to her "I'm sorry, I won't be able to last long" her reply was "It can last a lifetime if you want."

Makes me cry right now just thinking about it. I is a perfect example of how a plan A can deeply affect the WS and the WS might not comment at all. BUT TRUST ME... it shook me all the way to my toes.

Hang in there babe,

2scared

I can't wait until the day H and I can make love again. Your story inspires me and helps me keep home in a very sad time. To top things off, H's stepsister was just diagnosed with breast cancer and the outlook is NOT good; she had unsuccessful surgery yesterday and now will start chemo. She has a beautiful 2 year old girl and husband at home. H's parents are a wreck about what H has done to me and to our marriage and now H's dad is devastated that he may be losing his daughter too. Things have to get better from here, right?

Thanks for your inspiring thoughts....TGIF!!!

K-

Sometimes God has a way of getting our attention when life crashes in around us. My life fell apart right at the time I decided to end the A and reconcile.

Maybe all the stress will get him thinking.....

TGIF !!!!!

2scared

It does seem like he may be absorbing some of my actions/words. He seems curious anytime I go out with other friends; is at least accepting my nice gestures rather than lashing out angrily; is now confronting common friends who know of his hurtful actions and who are FAITHFUL to their wives and moving forward in life; and is starting to feel success in his new job (am sure this is helping his ego).

I cannot help but to stay true to myself and I think he sees that pretty clearly. I just hope that he feels like he is deserving of the love I want to provide in his life and is willing to share his love with me for a lifetime like he promised 3 years ago.

What was your timeline from the time you started the affair, ended the affair, confronted your spouse, and was finally accepting of her love and willing to reconcile?

My H ended his affair in January but didn't drop the bomb until May; we have been separated ever since. He spent June/July/much of August being very angry and mean towards me. Towards the end of August and through this month, he has seemingly come in and out of the fog but still hasn't shed any light as to what he is feeling about our future. I am still scared to confront him about this topic with fear of being rejected!

Thanks for your words of advice....have a great weekend ( :

-K

<img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> Had a good weekend with friends but cannot shake my sadness. I won another race on Saturday,worked some, and then went to a party with friends Sat night. H is still with his buddies for the bachelor party...at a Charger football game today.

I almost feel like I am obsessed over this now because I don't know what is going on in his head. I wish I had a crystal ball! I often take my eyes off the road to check out every black truck that drives by, go on walks and scope the beaches for him, look for him in bars when I go out at night. I am somewhat scared that I'll see him with someone else (not sure how I'd react although I probably would just hide since I don't like confrontation). I honestly don't think he is seeing anyone though.

He seems to be listening or absorbing my words yet not responding directly or really recipricating my love. I don't know how to shut off that switch to erase H from my memory so I can just concentrate on me now. I don't think it is possible in all honesty because we are still married and I am focusing so much energy in trying to salvage it right now. I can't move forward in life when I don't know where it is heading??? I hate him for what emotional turmoil he has put in my life. Everything else is so positive yet my life feels empty without him here.

I know if it comes down to him being void in my life, I will eventially be ok. I keep hoping that he may call me and speak kind words to me or just show up at my doorstep and give me an intimate kiss or even send a nice card or flowers...something to show me that he still cares.

How long does this s&%* continue? I realize it is different for everyone but is there an average for the time separated before reconcilation is possible and we can start working on our marriage together rather than me doing all the depositing with respect to the love bank? How long before you reconciled with your spouses? What did your timeline look like? As you can probably tell, I am a very driven, goal oriented person who likes to be moving forward. I cannot stand being in a standstill and not knowing what my future with H or anyone for that matter is. Help!

Thanks,

K

K-

Laughing....

Go back and re-read your last post. You did fine staying busy but then when you stopped, the walls started closing in. Do you find yourself getting in the car and driving by his apartment to see if he's home? Looking at the phone to see if maybe you missed a call? Checking email every couple of hours?

Okay...me too. I'm goal orientated but worse than that...I have a control issue. There, I said it (and my W would be proud)! I HAVE A CONTROL ISSUE! I have to know what's going on and feel like I have some ability to effect influence on the situation. In my job people bring me problems and my job is to fix them...not tomorrow, but NOW! So, in my situation I want to know the score. I want to know what my W is doing, where she is and what she is thinking. That way if she is thinking the wrong things I can try to change her mind. I want to know who she's running around with because some of her friends want her to go ahead and give up on me. That way I can try to keep her from THOSE people. I even put a keystroke log on my home computer so that I could find out her plans and possibly stop them...I know, SICK. (I told her and took it off the computer right in front of her...BUT it sure pi$$ed her off...that was a bad idea). AND, I want the M fixed NOW! Not tomorrow...NOW! And, I want her to be working on repairing the M just as aggressively as me!
Did I tell you I had an issue with wanting to be in control? Hmmmmmm.

Does all this sound why to close to home? Come on, admit it.... YOU WANT TO BE IN CONTROL!

Guess what? I figured out I'm not at all in control of this one. My W is. It is killing me to learn patience, but it is a lesson I need to learn.

K- YOU need patience too. Laughing... I think you already figured that one out. Sit back, take a deep breath (okay...let it out), relax.... THIS is not a sprint. There is no telling how long it will take. Are you committed to hanging in there if it takes another month? How about two months? How about three? Okay, you get the idea. Quit obsessing and remember that this is for the long haul. You CAN do this.

BTW, Congrat's on winning the race! Think Kona.

Good luck,

2scared

Yes, I am a control freak...this is why I am the founder and sole worker of a sports nutrition consulting business. Everything I do is under my control! Even my training for Kona is under my control!

Before I was married, I never really thought about marriage although I desired it. I just didn't have anyone who swept me away until I met my H. He did something that no other guy had done to me and 9 months later, I was engaged to be married and 6 months after that, was married to the man of my dreams. I loved every aspect of being married and felt like I was the luckiest person alive. I was meeting my career goals, my athletic goals, and I had a wonderful man to share my life with.

Now this strong wall has crumbled and I feel completely helpless. I have no control of what H is thinking or what he desires for our future....it is KILLING me! I have no problem waiting but being the control freak that I am, I desire certain things in the future and that includes starting a family, investing in a home in the god-awful expensive real estate market here in San Diego, and sharing my love with someone who desires to be with me for a lifetime. I don't know if I am willing to wait my youth away for someone who is NOT communicating to me. I want our marriage to work and I have been dreaming about the day H comes home and we start talking about starting all these dreams of mine (and formally his too). It just kills me not knowing when and if H will ever come home. And with the holidays coming up, I am freaking out about having to explain to extended family (who does not know our situation)why H is not home for the holidays. Furthermore, I hate being in the spotlight of sympathy...and that kills me having everyone feeling sorry for me and pissed off at H. And also the thought of spending my first holiday alone in 5 years is extremely devastating. Ok, breath.

These crying spells kill me...I weigh less than I did when I graduated high school; lost 10 lbs from my tiny frame in a month and am struggling to gain the weight back since I expend so much frickin energy thinking and crying (not too mention all the training I do).

Ok...I am feeling desperate to talk to him but don't think I should be the one calling. I think I should just chill and perhaps watch Titanic while doing some scrapbooking. What do you think? Call or no-call?

Thanks,

-K

K-

Get a tall glass of some protein rich suppliment and watch Titanic. Did the Chargers win? If so, give him a call and ask him how it went? I wouldn't talk too much about the party.

I, on the other hand, am pi$$ed off... the RAMS lost.

2scared

I'm a Bears fan myself...a true Chicago native and just another midwest transplant to Cali. Not sure if the Chargers won...the game wasn't aired. Suppose I can check online or watch the news to find out.

What a surprise (not)...the Chargers lost. On a positive note, the Bears beat the Packers!!!!!

H's team, the Raiders, won...perhaps he is in a good mood and wouldn't mind a call????

K-

Just wondering....

Are you nervous about Nicole DeBoom?

2scared

I am not sure if Nicole is racing Hawaii...she was at IM Wisconsin and won. She is in a different division than I am (older) and she races pro. I just started the sport last year and still race amateur..although I am listed as an elite for the first time at my next sprint tri ( : Ironically, I have given her some nutritional advice for muscle cramping and she has conquered ever since! She is a sweetie.

I love my job because I get to help people like Nicole achieve their goals whether it be to win, just finish, lose weight, lower cholesterol, etc.

We shall see what happens on my end in Kona...my goal is to finish but believe I can earn a top 10 in the world accolade for my age division if I race well.

K-

That's soooo cool. Yeah, I was reading about the Wisc. race. I saw she won the pro-division.

When is Kona? I feel like I know a star or something.

I'm going on to bed... I have a busy week.

2scared

Yeah...Wisconsin was way cool. I actually shot a picture of Nicole crossing the finishline! If I hadn't qualified for Kona last month, I was planning on racing Wisconsin. Instead, I ran 22 miles (running is my strength) the day prior to the race and completed the swim/bike leg on race day. Racing 2 Ironmans in a month is way too much for me! The World Championships are on Oct 16th...per your reference, you can track athletes (including Nicole and Tim DeBoom) at www.ironmanlive.com . It is way cool...I have watched several of my clients cross IM finishlines live on this site.

Have a great night..I am watching Titanic for the 3rd time and putting pictures in scrapbook but really should think about getting some zzzzz's
too!

-K

All my friends....

I have another MC appointment Wednesday night. Keep me in your prayers. I want to rebuild...she's still not sure. We have to tip the scale toward rebuilding!

2scared

Cheers to rebuilding <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
You are in my prayers!

I wish my WH would consider MC with me....haven't heard from him in several days now. He did NOT respond to my e-mail asking him about his weekend...perhaps he received my card with sexy underwear and does not want to show face??? I had a very teary night last night <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

K-

Don't expect major changes at this stage. Your Plan A'ing as hard as you can. Remember, you want him to notice the difference...not necessarily respond to the differences. He might respond or he might just notice. If all he does is notice then you have planted it into his mind. He will remember! He will!

Good luck, don't get discouraged and don't give up! You can do this!!!!

2scared