I am back but am an emotional wreck once again....

My WH never called me to wish me luck prior to the race so I called him on race day morning ( a mistake) and he says, "Shouldn't you be racing?" Not really the sincere good luck I was hoping for so I was a bit choked up before the gun went off. I woke up with swollen glands and some chest constriction on race day morning so I took extra dose of my asthma meds but it didn't help. I had a good swim and started ok on the bike but....I had a severe asthma attack on the bike course and was pulled off 100 miles into the bike after wheezing for 90 miles. They almost transported me to the hospital cuz my oxygen sat was measured about 75-80, blood pressure hypertensive, skin pale, and chest extremely constricted. It was the scariest attack I have ever had in my life...to the point I didn't know if I was causing permanent damage. I wanted to continue on to at least finish but medical did not allow me to cuz my life was at stake. I was well hydrated and salted so no IV drip needed but I was put on a nebulizer and oxygen for a good hour post attack. My lungs and accesory muscles were shot for 4-5 days post race but I am starting to feel better...just extremely disappointed about not finishing. Apparently, this year's IM yielded the largest dropout rate in Hawaii history...could have had something to do with the consistent 25 mph headwind the entire bike course and 50 mph wind gusts or perhaps the heat and humidity??? Apparently, volcanic ashes get kicked up in the air when the trade winds are strong which is what probably triggered my attack.

WH did leave a voice mail on my cell after the race but wasn't very sincere...just stated, "What happened?" It was in a very arrogant tone too. I would think he would at least have some regard for my health and wellbeing but it doesn't seem like it. I could get hit by a truck and I don't think he'd show any emotion towards losing me right now....this is what makes me so damn emotional right now <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> . He is treating me as I am some *****, some nuisance or pest with whom he wishes never appeared on his doorstep 5 years ago.

I am so sick of being in limbo and not knowing my fate. I have a bad feeling papers will be served prior to the holiday season starting next month. I am not looking forward to this at all...couldn't help but to reminisce about our trip to Hawaii last year during my stay in Kona. It was so hard not having him there to support me. WH couldn't even muster a phone call. And I still haven't heard from him yet. People I don't even know have shown more concern and care for me than WH has...what does this mean?

Help...need a pick me up today and I have a feeling these next couple months are going to be extremely hard.

-K

Me: 28 yo faithful wife of 3.5 years
Him: 30 yo WH
Married: 3.5 years
Affair: 4 months Fall '03; A ended in Jan '04; WH dropped bomb May '04, been separated ever since. WH admits to dating although I don't think he is in a serious relationship with anyone right now. I have been in plan A since finding out.
No divorce papers filed thank god.

{{{{{{{K}}}}}}}

I knew something was up. Don't get down on yourself. You did awesome...especially under the circumstances. You can do better next year. In the big picture it doesn't really define who you are. I'm proud of you! I'm glad you're ok.

As to you WH. You just need to start working on your mental health. He is dragging you down too far. No one will take care of you but YOU...so you need to start taking care of yourself. Read, get into IC, I'd say exercise but I think you have that one covered, eat right..again, you're doing that. You could get more sleep. Perhaps an AD would help. Get a strong group of friends that will protect and watch over you. Get out and do some things for you.

If not... depression will sink in. Deep depression.

Again, you can't control your WH or his actions...but you can control yours.

I'm proud of you!

2scared

Thanks 2scared...needed that. I am struggling with completely focusing on myself. My nature is to give and I know that I am still giving to my WH despite him not being much of a friend or husband to me. I sent him a postcard from Hawaii and already have bought his birthday card (b-day is a couple weeks away). His mom doesn't think he deserves a card from me but I can't imagine not acknowledging his b-day...that seems just plain rude. But then again, he crushed me on my b-day by treating me like complete dirt so once again, I am not sure why I am giving so much when I haven't received hardly anything nice from him.

I guess I am holding on because I am still deeply in love with the man I married and really do miss him. This other person WH has transformed into would not have a chance in my heart but I can't help but to believe that the husband I vowed to be a partner to for a lifetime may return. I feel like I am crazy and I know others believe this too....even his parents think I am crazy for even giving him the time of day after all the **** he has pulled.

I don't see him coming around at all and I am worried that he may go forth with filing before the holidays. Regardless, I know it will be a hard holiday season for me which is depressing since I generally look forward to this time of year. I usually write a lengthy Christmas letter to family letting all know what is going on in WH and my lives, what activities we have done together, what dreams we have conquered, etc. Since his and my extended family don't know, I know they will be expecting a similar letter. It kills me that I don't have much positive to write about the two of us this year.

Ugh....thinking way too much. I am doing some house cleaning tonite and unpacking all my stuff from vacation....going to have a garage sale to get rid of some stuff that just triggers emotional outbursts (reminders of WH).

Well, hope you have a nice weekend. I am going to try to get my body clock back to Cali time...will probably go out on the town with friends tomorrow night.

TGIF...K

More interaction with WH via e-mail (see below)...not sure if I goofed with this one....just trying to trigger some form of jealousy since he was really taken back when another guy hit on me in front of this 2 eyes.

I am a bit curious/jealous about his comment "All else is really good here. Work is good too." I am driving myself nuts thinking about this comment. What else beyond work could be good...is he talking about another relationship with a woman. If so, here I am all crushed again. This so dang hard. But, if he is going out with his buddy on Halloween, then maybe he is not seeing another woman? Or does he continue to hide it?

All I know is that no divorce papers have been filed and I am still confused as to what I should be doing while in limbo. My life is in a standstill...grrr.

WH's b-day is in a couple weeks....he will receive a b-day card from myself but will also get one from my parents which will probably shock the hell outta him. My parents support whatever my heart desires and that includes the man my WH used to be. If WH and I get back together, I can guarantee you that WH has thought about the consequences he has to face which includes confronting my angry parents. Perhaps a b-day card will lighten this fear a bit???

Here is our conversation this morning...what are your thoughts?

ME:
So are you watcing the World Series??? Assuming you are cheering against the Red Sox??? I couldn't give rat's [censored] who wins as I don't really care for either team (sorry 2scared, know you are probably rooting for the Cardinals).

Did you have a nice weekend? I spent it unpacking and cleaning...always a nightmare coming back from vacation. Also spent yesterday shopping for a Halloween costume...it has been awhile since I have dressed up full fledge but with the holiday on the weekend, I figured what the heck. Plus, one of the parties I am going to has a mandatory costume rule.

You'd get a kick out of my costume....I am going to be a "sexy firefighter" this year in honor of all you guys who fought the Cedar fire last year at this time. The outfit is pretty much a riot...a skimpy red jumper with the suspenders, hat, and I'll be wearing black boots much like yours...hope it is not too cold because there isn't much there to keep me warm (hee, hee). What are you dressing up as?

Can you believe it has been a year. I remember waking up the morning of Oct 26th looking at the copper sky and ashes falling. My heart sank because I knew that you weren't going to be coming home...spent the next 48 hours peeled to the tv wondering and hoping that you were ok. I know it was a scary experience for ya but also an experience of a lifetime...you obviously helped out a tremendous amount of people which is why the chief wrote that awesome letter to ya. Anyways, I am really wearing the sexy firefighter outfit in honor of your efforts last year and really the past 3 years. I know that you have all but given up on the FF quest but something tells me that your heart is still there. It just sucks that the state doesn't have the funding to bring more guys like yourself on. Perhaps something good will come about before your EMT license expires in a few months. Look at Enrique...he finally got in! Well, I am sending you a hug today....the fires last year made me realize how precious each day is and every moment spent with the people you love should be cherished.

Love always,

K

----- Original Message -----
From: S
To: k
Sent: Monday, October 25, 2004 10:18 AM

No real plans for halloween, though I think I'll do something with T. We'll see. All else is really good here. Work is good too.

I hope you have fun at your parties. I am really glad you are staying socially active.

Take care,
-S

ME:
Glad to hear things are going well. Let T know I say Hi. Will you guys head out on good ole Adams Avenue...I have such a distinct memory of T running out of an Adams Avenue bar shouting out profanities to some girl in a drunken state. Remember that??? Makes me laugh. Does he still live in the same place...know he was having neighbor problems at some point so didn't know if he had sold his place and moved elsewhere.

Have fun this weekend. We'll see what kind of mood I'll have as a sexy firefighter on Saturday. Not sure if I fit the firefighter role too well but regardless, I'll have fun playing the role at the party! I was actually just looking at a picture of me dressing up in your firefighting gear...too funny. Do you stil have your helmet/gear?

What else have you been up to?

Have a good day,

K

Me: 28 yo FW
Him: 30 yo WH
Married: 3.5 years, together 5 years
His Affair: 4 months last fall, ended 1/04; dropped bomb 5/04 and immediately left me, been separated ever since. He admits to dating, I am NOT. No divorce papers filed thank god!!!

K-

Well... Of course I'm rooting for the Cards. Duh..

You didn't mess up. You did fine. Don't minimze your emotions. You feel angry because you ARE angry. You love him and he's holding you captive waiting on him to decide. The holding pattern drives you crazy! I call it the M hokie-pokie. Put you right foot in...

Anyway, I understand. I'm in the same holding pattern. W hasn't decided. I think she hates me but hasn't pulled the trigger. Don't know why. BUT, she has no desire to restore...so I wait, married without any of the EN's getting met. Ignored... pushed away and yet held hostage to the committment. YUCK. It's crazy. I ask myself why I'm doing it. I ask myself why I would want to stay with a woman who doesn't love me, much less adore me. Why? By the way...I'm not sure I have that answer.

I know the pain. I guess we stay till we can't. Then we leave. BUT... we leave with our head held high. Proud that we tryed...proud that we gave it our all.

2scared

Thanks 2scared...figured you'd be rooting for the Cards...I am impartial to the Cubbies ( :

Just a question...what would your take on WH's comment that "All else is really good here. Work is good too." Am I looking too deep. Knowing my WH's main needs are affection, physical satisfaction, and recreational companionship, if "all else is really good" and I am not the one providing him physical satisfaction or recreational companionship, should I assume he is, in deed, with another woman right now? Or do you think he is lying as a coverup for how is really is feeling about our situation??? I don't want to become a stalker again...nothing good ever became of my quest to reveal an unknown affair.

I suppose I desire him to be as emotionally traumatized as I have by our separation but he sure seems to hide it well if he is really distraught about erasing me from his life.

WH's b-day is in a couple weeks and I am thinking of ways I could or should favorably influence it. I have a card but was going to see if there is a Charger game that weekend that I could get tickets for and then enclose them in the card stating, "You are welcome to share these tickets with anyone you'd like but I'd love to accompany you and treat you to some food and cocktails after the game. Happy Birthday. Love, K"
What do you think?

Thanks,

-K

It's a great idea. Very loving and sincere.

As to his comment... You might be reading into it, but he probably is dating. I don't know if that's one special person or just testing the waters. If you think it's someone special, than catching him and exposing it will be the only way to turn it around. If not he will just continue to drift farther away until there is nothing left. You already feel that detachment.

Kona is over now... you can focus on him.

First, do you want the M saved? How much fight is left? Do you want to give it another shot even if that means rejection?

If so... let's get after it. Catch the sneaky little raskel.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

2scared

I have to admit... I'm loosing my desire to fight. I'm tired of the constant rejection and blameing without even the slightest desire to repair. Just "It's over...live with it." I'm just wondering "why do I want to go back into a marriage where I am not loved or wanted?"

I feel my heart beginning to calious over.

2scared

I hear ya 2scared...I have never felt so rejected in my life and I feel as if I had pulled all the strings to try to salvage my marriage to WH. In contrast, I feel my WH has just sat back and laughed, taking full advantage of his situation...me being affectionate to him and also providing him monetary allowances (ended this awhile back) while he spends time with and screws another woman....oh and not to mention all the verbal abuse and anger I have received from him while I'll have been nothing but nice. What is wrong with this picture? EVERYTHING!

I wish you were my WH right now....it would be nice to have some answers rather than sitting here in a desperation mode...wanting to move forward but not having any answers from WH to indicate where we are headed as a couple in the future.

Maybe I am just blind or stupid...I put full trust in my WH and had no frickin clue that was capable of betraying and hurting me like he has. I am also in disbelief that he seems ok with just throwing a 5 year relationship that included marriage without a care or fight. It is obvious I have different morals than him so what am I doing hanging around??? There are many men who would be very excited to take me out...many who have been a helluva more courteous and nice than my WH has been this past year.

THe problem is that I am still deeply in love with the man I married 3.5 years ago...just can't find him. I am not sure when I have to accept that this man has now been overtaken by some evil being, someone I truly do despise. I want my marriage to work but only if the man I love returns home. I cannot and will NOT be treated the way my WH has this past year. I don't deserve it nor will I stand for it. His evil self doesn't deserve an ounce of happiness. I am hoping that he comes out of this shell and becomes the man that I know and love so dearly so we can both grow into the happiest couple alive.

I know that you are in the same boat 2scared...you love your wife dearly which is why you have hung around so long. The good news is that neither of us really have been officially rejected (no divorce papers filed yet.). The fat lady ain't singing yet although I wish something would happen. It would be nice to have a happy holiday season this year but I have learned not to get my hopes up to high as I am too emotionally unstable cuz of WH...grrrr.

Keep smiling...we can keep our pride knowing we have done everything humanly possible to try to salvage our marriage. Things happen for a reason although I don't always understand the reasoning behind the bad stuff. Whatever is meant to be will happen for the better and we will be happy again, hopefully sooner than later.

Have a good night,

-K

By the way, no home Chargers game the weekend of his b-day. There is one the weekend prior or 3 weeks after. Which game date do you think would be better to purchase??? Or should I still purchase tix at all. I have to admit that having the gameday on his b-day would have been the perfect scenario. I can't really buy him the one's a week prior and I am afraid he'd go ahead and ditch me for another date if I get the game for December. Agh....guess I could look into other ideas???

-K

Or I could just happen to buy 4 seats next to each other...that way if he ditches me for another date, I could show up with someone else and be on a double date with him and his new flame of the month. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

K-

The game prior would be better. Two seats...

It's hard to keep exposing your heart to the constant hurt. If something was being put back into the love bank it would be different. But it's not. So we're getting empty. You have the same loneliness I have. I come home each day to an empty apartment. I paying every bill at home. Every one of them from house payment to the electric to kids college and I dont even have a key to the house. My W quit putting her check into the family account in Aug and has her own account yet still writes checks out of my account for gas and food. I am getting nothing in return. Empty loneliness and walls that close in on me every day. No one to wrap their arms around me and ask me how my day went... emptyness.

You understand.....

It just hurts.

2scared

I have been trying to read all of this thread. It is really long!!! I have not been here before. I do have a question for FWH.

I was in shock when I found out my H was having an affair. If I had to pick between the two of us I would have been the one to have an affair before him.

My H had an affair with a women we go to church with. We are very involved in our church. We have been there 6 years. He plays the drums there.

Anyway OW is a divorced mother of two. She comes and goes at church but now I beleive she is there for good. She is pretty much on wellfare. Nothing worng with that. I try not to judge. She is not in a good place in her life. She let me know when I found out that she had a plan from the start. She wanted everything I had.

Long story short H moved out for about 2 months. Moved in with his parents. He was not the man I married during this time. Treated his family really bad.

He is home now. He went thru fog and withdrawals. We never did the NC thing that everyone suggest's. We are reading SAA together. We know what should be done. Our recovery is wonderful. He is doing all the right things. I know that we both love each other very much and want this to work.

One problem is that the OW is still going to our church. I know you are going to say that we should leave. We have prayed about this for a while and both feel that we should be at this church. How do I deal with seeing her every thime I go to a place that should be a safe worship havan for me?

I want to beleive that my recovery is real. I know in my heart that the A is over. When my husband looks at me I can tell. We want to grow old together.

When will the pain end? When will the fear go away? What should I look for in a true FWH?

Sorry for going on and on.

Hey 2scared/fogless...need advice, thinking about plan B'ing WH but want your opinion. I posted the following thread:

'As a BS who has been Plan A for 5+ months, I'm not sure if I should enter plan B?'

I am just frustrated at the lack of progression over the past 5+ months. I know it will be very hard for me to completely avoid contact with WH with his b-day and the holidays coming up but perhaps this is the jolt of reality he needs right now??? Anyways, read my thread above and please give me your thoughts.

Hope you both are having a great day ( :

-K

Posted in other thread too but here is what I am thinking will be best for now:

I think I'll send him one last nice gesture, a simple b-day card which will help fulfill his need for affection, along with a couple tix to the SD Chargers game which will help fulfill his need for recreational companionship. I really cannot fulfill his need for physical satisfaction unless of course he decides that he is a fool for leaving me and initiates intimacy (this would be nice since I have been dry for 6 months now <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> ). I will state in the card that he is welcome to bring anyone he'd like but that I'd love to treat him to some food/cocktails post game at a bar we frequented in the first few months of dating. If he chooses not to bring me to the game, so be it...to plan B I go. At least leave him thinking a bit more anyways. Thoughts?

Lifted up-

I wish I could tell you that you can stay at the Church and everything will be okay. BUT.... Either you two or the OW needs to leave for you to have the peace that you need. There are some other wonderful churches out there where you and your H can minister.

I think you H can move on without temptation but I think you will be faced with the memories every time you go and that's not fair to you. If he wants to cherish you as his W then he needs to take you somewhere else. A safe place to build new memories without the OW coming face to face again.

2scared

K-

I think you have a great plan. As to the 6 months... I hear ya!

2scared

Thanks 2scared...I think I'll have to get the 12/5 gameday tickets (3 weeks post b-day) because as far as I know, he may be busy 10 days from now??? It is kind of short notice and would be kind of weird to present a b-day gift a week early??? Plus, it will be a better game (Denver). Would the later tickets be a bad thing? I wish there were tickets prior to that but there is not. The only thing that would stop me from doing this is if for some reason, he serves me papers prior to his special day. I don't think this will happen though. Another positive in my mind: I know WH will be shocked when he receives a b-day card from my parents. Maybe it will help reduce his fear of confrontation at the holidays if we do indeed reconcile before the holiday season begins. I am very fortunate that my parents support whatever my heart desires and they understand that I want to work on my marriage to WH despite all the hurt he has caused me.

I generally go back to Phoenix with him for Thanksgiving (only a month away now) but nothing has been brought up on that respect. His extended family does NOT know of our situation and there Thanksgiving celebration is a family reunion (50+ people) so it is bound to be a stressful day for WH if I am not around. I guess if he truly wants to divorce he will have to face the music at some point in time. We'll see if any papers are served in these next 2 weeks prior to his b-day.

Keep your chin up...thinking that I have been apart from WH for nearly 6 months is sad considering he proposed to me only 9 months after we had met. He also proposed to me on November 30, 2000 which means 4 years ago at this time, I was the happiest woman alive because I was sharing my heartful of love with the most amazing man alive in my mind.

Let's only hope that the next 6 months get better!!!!

-K

I have been in successful recovery for a year.

It's going great! My FWH and I are happier than ever.

However, I have this lingering question that I've not asked him about. Any talk or mention of the OW or the A right now causes him to become very sad and tearful.

I for some reason want to know about the bad times between him and her. What may have made it so bad during the 3 months of MY PLAN B that he chose to end it after 2 years. He thought that he was in love with her and she was the love of his life. Was it the constant contact with her? Did he miss me that much? I guess I'm wondering if the OPs start to show their true selves and stop putting on the show. I saw her recently and she didn't seem to be "all that". I used to think that she had to have been an awesome beauty to have contributed to such major trauma in our lives.

I guess I'm rambling on but I noticed that someone mentioned that the A is not all perfection. What were the bad times like for you?

K-

She filed... I got served today.

OMG...

(shaking)

2scared