Afternoon all. Got lots to say...some of it embarassing for me...'fraid I lost both my cool and my temper this weekend.

Okay. Friday, he's still being Senor Doom & Despair. Still going to see the kooze, because "it's something he HAS to do, and HAS to go through." Whatever. Couldn't sleep Friday night. Got up and went to the living room to crying desperately. Decided to write it all down, all my good memories and bad...all that we've been through. Took till 1 am, and when I was finished I put the handwritten (HANDWRITTEN...I hand write nothing but notes to teachers!) letter on the seat of the van (haha!) so he'd see it when he left for work Sat. am. Got nothing from that. He acknowledged that I wrote it, queried when I put it there (he was snoring loudly at 1 am - duh)...and that was it. I'm laying beside him Sat, and ask him what he's doing...I dunno (I'm heartily sick of I dunno). I lost it. Got up started throwing his stuff at him, told him to get out, if he can figure out what he's doing he can come back....not pretty. Ended up loosing one of his spacers to his work belt and then ended up looking for it with him. [censored]. He still said he HAS to go up there. Yesterday, I lost it again. He was packing up to go, and said he wasn't leaving his service weapon at the house, "just in case." WTF? I told him snottily that was okay because I still had MY pistol. Duh, oh yah, sez he. I'll have to take that too. No you're not. You're not leaving me here with nothing to protect me but a loud but very wussie dog. The phone had rung and I went to see who it was. The kooze. He told me she was probably worried because of how I lost it last night. OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I was effing livid. My throat hurt I screamed at him...he has NO RIGHT to tell her about what I do! That's how this got started in the first place...he turned to her instead of confiding in me! He says that he has no one to talk to - I told him that it's because EVERYONE thinks he's effing lost it...and he doesn't want to see how wrong he's being. Then he tells me he's coming back, but he doesn't know if he should now because of how I was acting. Said he didn't know if I was gonna shred his unis while he was gone....WTF?????

He left on good terms, tho. He gave me the paperwork he was *afraid* I'd shred - his discharge from service, old tax stuff. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> He said he HAS to do this again. I still don't get it. He says maybe he has to make her hate him or something. Anyway, he mentioned that he might offer to sign his parental rights over regarding the kids. I don't see him doing that, but he says it's just too hard to see her. I told him that arrangements can be made so he doesn't have to see her, but I think it's too early for him to see that.

Oh. And I called her every icky name I told GC not to call his ww....and then some. He told me not to call her those names that she's none of those thing...I told him she is till she gets a D from her h and stops sleeping with married men. He shut up.

Gee? Anyone think I may be to the anger stage of grief? Anyone, anyone?

He called me right before he got into SAT. I told him he forgot his toothbrush...dang! I should've kept my mouth shut....morning dragon breath is SO BECOMING...hehe! NOT!

Oh and somewhere in there, I forgot to mention I took my wedding rings off and handed them to him. I told him if he comes back he better be ready to put them on my hand and MEAN IT. (sigh) Of course, I'm wearing them today. I...I just can't face the wolves yet, kwim? I can't. I'd probably throw up on someone's toes if they propositioned me right now.

My darling 4 year old has begun wetting the bed again. Why can't dwh realize this is because of HIM? Oh, it's because I'm the one that cleans the beds and washes the sheets.......

Spent last night uking and IBSing (sorry GC - I know, TMI). Down to 123 now. Had to tighten the bra straps. They kept slipping off my shoulders.

OH OH OH! And after he left, I listened to the voicemail the kooze left. It said that she didn't know if he was coming tomorrow to pick up the kids or not and to please call. Hello, what? So I called her. Asked her if she knew he was coming because her voicemail made it sound like she didn't, and she said he'd mentioned it. I asked her if she knew how long he was planning to stay...she didn't know. So I told her he was planning to stay till Thu. She said..uh, uh, she couldn't handle that and she'd call him. She said that she told him she doesn't want him there...and that maybe she needed to tell him one more time. UG! They're all effing nuts.

I hate this. My lb is at a SERIOUS all time low. I'm beginning to find myself wondering what life would be without this drama.

- Kimmy

((((Kimmy))))

Some of Nio's talk sounds like typical stuff - the BS is going to flip out, cut up clothes, start bustin' caps, set fire to things, blah blah blah. How much of that kind of high drama in your past? You must have scared the crap out of him when you got POed and started whipping his clothes at him.

WS like him need this kind of drama. They can't be content. If they start to feel comfortable, some of them have this unconscious need to stir everything up, to "make sure" about things.

I feel so relaxed and content. Am I really, or am I just becoming numbed, forgetting how great it was to be with that sweet cheatin' cooze of mine? I think I'll stir up some drama and find out. I don't want to lose my options...

BTW, did you use "cheatin' ho"? I like that one quite a bit. It really rollllls off the tongue.

GC

Lessee - I called her:

Whore,
Slut,
Kooze,
Golddigger (like, we have any gold, but from where she's standing we're the effing Rockefellers)
Manipulator
Adultress
Mistress

Um. I probably threw some others in there that I can't remember right now. I was uber pissed...to the point of almost stuttering!

Edited to add adultress and mistress and also, he told me not to call her names b/c she doesn't call me names. UM...HELLO, WHAT???? What can she call me? Wife? Dumkoff!

<small>[ September 13, 2004, 02:40 PM: Message edited by: Niosgirl ]</small>

Nio's loyalties are still crazy divided aren't they? The children probably make it hard for him to figure out where the boundaries are. He's got partner and mother all tangled together in his mind. Not entirely unnatural, I suppose, to react with confusion to these circumstances.

Well, time for him to mastermind a way to effin' get it straight in his head.

OOOOh, WSs are a bothersome lot!

GC

Fixin' ta get off. Doan really wanna go home...it's pissing rain here. TG I forced the issue regarding the truck...nice to have good ole American steel around me...the brakes on the van always lock up in the rain anyway... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Gonna take the bambinos out for dinner tonight. We've got no groceries, and I hate grocery shopping when it's raining.

Made an appt. to see the doc tomorrow about upping my zoloft. Gonna get 'nother referral to a therapist. Had been seeing one on the co.'s dime, but cannot continue. Ug. Now to be told I'm a doormat by yet ANOTHER person. Life is sweet eh?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> My darling 4 year old has begun wetting the bed again. Why can't dwh realize this is because of HIM? Oh, it's because I'm the one that cleans the beds and washes the sheets.......
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm not going to be very popular with my following comments...but since when has that ever stopped me. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

YOU are just as much to blame in this if you argue and scream and keep losing it.

YOU are contributing to your child being traumatized.

I don't care what he has done...or continues to do...YOU have got to stop acting out in front of your child...then blaming it ALL on him when she starts wetting the bed.

Take responsibility for YOUR contribution and correct it.

JMHO
committed

Hmmm. Lessee. If I was never put in this position...if I never had to deal with this at all....um....yep I can pretty much put money on that I wouldn't have lost my cool. Since it took me all of a year and a half to really, truly do so, I'm figuring WHAT-effing-EVER!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> YOU are just as much to blame in this if you argue and scream and keep losing it. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">And HEL-LO! Did I not say I was going to the docs today to see about adjusting my meds???? What? Did I stutter???

Before you start slinging 2x4s, maybe, perchance, you should clean your glasses off and READ the posts. Ijo. And one bit of J-MY-HO, maybe you should temper your posts by thinking, "There but for the grace of God go I."

Anyway, update for those who have SUPPORTIVE things to say:

Doc changed my meds from zoloft to xanex and gave me something to help me sleep. He told me I was in A LOT better place than I was back in November. Got a referral to a therapist who is on my insurance. Also upped my dosage of prevacid to try to circumvent the IBS and ulcer symptoms. We talked about trying to get dwh in - we both KNOW that he's spiralling downward on the depression rollercoaster...next stop...well, it doesn't look pretty.

Last night I let the kids call him, but barely spoke to him. Let him miss me. I'm too betrayed feeling right now to speak to him anyway.

- Kimmy

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">And HEL-LO! Did I not say I was going to the docs today to see about adjusting my meds???? What? Did I stutter??? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Why the rudeness? Was my post rude to you...or simply honest? Why is it so hard to see what YOU are doing? Is it UN"supportive" for someone to point out what is obvious to them? You blamed it on him (your words) ...regardless of your need for meds it doesn't take YOU off the hook. Please show me the passage where you take part of the responsibilty for your child being traumatized.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Anyway, update for those who have SUPPORTIVE things to say:
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What does "supportive" mean to you... people who respond with posts that <pat> <pat> <pat> and NEVER say a word about YOUR contribution?

You could do with a different type of support...and you could temper yourself with people who took the time to post to you in an attempt to help YOU see clearly.

Respectfully,
committed

<small>[ September 14, 2004, 01:01 PM: Message edited by: committedandlovingit ]</small>

{{{{NG}}}} You're a firey little thing, aren't you?!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I know you're hurting...I'm praying for you!! <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

So she's let him stay with her on the kooze cabooze I assume. Wonder how her new BF likes that.

Kimmy, whatchya suppose he would do it he really thought he might lose you?

GC

I should have added - of course when a person wants to create a real threat of loss, it can't be a bluff...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Why is it so hard to see what YOU are doing? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">And what? Me going to the docs because I couldn't control my temper - TO GET HELP - was doing nothing about it? What part of ME taking MYSELF to the doc is not taking charge/responsibility here? What part of ME asking for a referral to a new therapist is not taking charge of my reactions? What part of it is not ME acknowledging that it's UNHEALTHLY for my babies to hear this, and am taking steps to make certain I can control myself...cause I'm not seeing it. I'm DOING what I'm supposed to be doing.

Thank you Lemon - can you tell I haven't got the xanex filled yet? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

GC - I think he'll [censored] twice and die if he thinks I'm not there for him anymore. Seriously, the doc and I discussed him, and judging by his actions, he's the perfect candidate for hitting rock bottom then suicide. I hope he gets help. I miss the man he used to be, and hope he can recover that person.

- Kimmy

Update for today. Please 'scuse any rambling...that xanex stuff is a doozy....pretty sure I don't like it, other than I'm not pissed about much of anything right now. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Lessee. Went to the grocery after work - almost had a breakdown a couple of times at the store...grocery shopping was FUN for us as a family...I know, I know, how sappy can you get? I also kept seeing little Hispanic boys and girls around the OC's ages and would think to myself, "I had those, I miss those, I might never get to do that again..." and then choke up. One lady had the chubbiest, cutest little muffin in her cart...I mean, all you needed was some butter to spread on those leg rolls...OY! I just wanted to go up and touch his baby cheek. I probably should've, the momma was probably thinking I was giving her child ojo. (sniff) Got the xanex and ambian filled. Talked to the pharmicist, and he told me that I could start taking the xanex right away. So I took it when I got home. Um, hello? I swear, within um...20-30 min. I felt all floaty and woozy. I barely got dinner done. The kids and I ate, then snuggled for awhile. I let them call daddy before going to bed, but he never picked up. I got to thinking about it, then tried again. He answered that time and said that he'd not heard the phone ring. I told him the kids were already in bed...but I got them up. My youngest handed the phone to me when he was done, and I honestly didn't know what to say. I asked him if he wanted to talk to me and he said no. Okay. Somehow we ended up arguing...it was probably my fault, but he was ugly to me, too. Said he didn't know what he was doing, but it was something he felt he had to do. Then he asked what did I want from him...Um, dude, never ask that unless you really want the answer. So I told him what I wanted. Ah well.

Momto3boys called after that. We had a great talk comparing the weird zoo animals we had/have had growing up. I think I had her beat with a worm farm and our Texas Horny Toad, Duke. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> She and I both have no fear of tartuntulas and look at them as pets - a gal after my own heart!

So, she's my rock, and I'll be hers if need be. She's made a vow to council me in the fine art of "whatever" so I don't love bust. I did break down and call dwh this morning, told him about my meds, and that I have a plan if/when he comes back to begin making things easier on us whether or not we do split (financially).

Only took half the amt. of xanex the doc prescribed this am, and am still all muzzy/fuzzy and don't like it one bit. Have NO idea how I made the 30 mile drive to work....but hey! I 'splained it to my boss, and he was mucho understanding.

Will have tomorrow and Friday off. Nio says he's coming back tomorrow, and honestly, right now I don't trust him not to clean everything out. He doesn't understand how come I don't trust him...OY! So, that's where I'll be.

- Kimmy

Hello up there, Space Kim.

Was Nio staying with OW?

Making preparations to have a life without him is wise. It will scare him and it will protect you.

GC

Yeah. He was staying with the tart. Wanna hear something funny? Not funny, ha-ha, but funny as in lyao when the boyfriend in Single White Female gets the high heel stuck in his forehead. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

He told me last night he didn't know why I was bent about that because it's OVER between him and her, and she's made that PERFECTLY clear.

[censored].

Pardon my French.

Yeah. He's gonna be so THRILLED when I tell him (as opposed to ask him) about my overnight trip to see my cousin in Austin next month. I've even made arrangements for the kids so he won't have to worry. (where's the smug grin smiley) I'm not taking off my rings or anything...but I'm thinking a trip to my old haunting grounds Emos, on 6th St., will be in order. Also the Blue Flamingo - gotta love reggae!

Can we say "Ya know I'm here for the party!! And I ain't leavin til they throw me out!!"

Sorry, that song came on just as I was reading your last post...keep your integrity...have no doubt that you will, though <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ...but, no sense in him not knowing that you can be fun too...Yes, after all this time, he should know that, but...well, he's in a fuzzier fog than you right now!

{{NG}} Chin up, Girl...you're doing just fine!!

BTW - will you be able to post any while you are not at work? Just wondering if we should be concerned if you don't post for a few days...let me know, 'k?!

I might be able to post from the library, Lemon. I'm gonna go tomorrow to get me some "mind candy," as I'm one of those uber annoying people you hear about that can read a book a day, and prefer that to TV most of the time. I've read all the books at my house umpteen-eleven times, and am bored, bored, bored with them.

I wonder if the library has any old Dr. Who tapes...that might be amusing.

Don't worry. I'll probably scare the young 'uns at Emos. Of course I have an annoying talent of attracting younger men...... Maybe I'll totally luck out and the Fabulous Playboys will be playing...I wonder if they're even still together? Their singer has a voice like chocolate, and was very flattered when I told him so.

Oh! I forgot to tell you all - my oldest had his first gig at a coffee shop and they got 3 standing ovations (sniff, my boy....I love my boy). They are cutting their first CD today! Straight A kid, awesome skater, plays drums and the guitar and is EXACTLY what I wanted when I asked God to send me a son!

TOO AWESOME, NG!!! Something to truly be thankful for...btw, how old is that son?? I thought all of yours were fairly small - like 3rd or 4th grade and younger??

My oldest is 14, will be 15 at the end of Nov. He's from my first relationship. I'd call it a m, but it never really was (Thank GOODNESS).

Hi Kimmy,

I think you are doing great. I was worried about you for a minute. You go girl. Have fun. I attract younger men too. I serve in a restaurent. I made sure I told husband when a kid young enought to be my son made a pass at me. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> You go girl.