FIM - email me regarding SAT. Niosgirl@yahoo.com

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I thought of a fun LB today. I could post the entire timeline of the sparrow's affair on my blog. Wouldn't that be shiny?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Blowing bubbles or playing music on your porch would be more cathardic for your soul. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Don't you need to carve a pumpkin for your porch? I'm thinking you do!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Your WH is one , I'm afraid if he can;t see what he's chucking over in your lovely self.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yeah. I hear you. You and I see it as a balance on a scale, my trueness to her wickedness...we see that it's imbalanced...HE sees the imbalance...but he doesn't think himself worthy of trueness. His self worth, tho, is something that I can't fix. So if I do get chucked over, I'm sure it'll eat him alive one day.

Well, a fine start to the 4th Monday of the week. I popped myself in the face with the plug to the hairdryer. I've got a nasty bruis-y blood blistery looking thing right below my left eye. Ow. It's raining canines and felines here, too. I mean POURING! And windy...oy!

Last night was good. He got home from dropping the kids off, we watched Smallville (Lex - NUMMY), then two movies. BTW: Twisted is S-L-O-W! He was in a good mood the whole night and talked to me and engaged in actual human conversation. WOW! I almost didn't know how to act.

That's all there is today folks. No news is good news, right?

- Kimmy

Update:

Dwh wanted to go grocery shopping with me last night...it's a family thing we used to do together and I was surprised when he said he wanted to go. $209 for 3 weeks worth of groceries for 4 people....and that's with the meals planned out for those three weeks so I'd know exactly what I needed to buy....UG!

He was pleasant all thru the store. At the checkout he stood there and held my hand for a second. Odd how I notice those little things now that I don't get them all the time, eh?

Went home, put everything away and had dinner, then watched Day After Tomorrow. Side Note: Don't watch it b4 going to bed. Dreamt of hurricanes and tornados all night.

After we'd turned in, he said something about his dad. He's been mentioning his mom and dad (both passed) a lot lately. The a started about 6 mo. after his mom joined his father. He said that his dad thought he was the only one of the kids that loved him. Then he said that he hasn't visited their graves in a long time....even tho he goes to SAT to get the kids (they're buried at Ft. Sam). At one point I could tell he was crying but trying not to let me know.

Now, I've got a little theory....I don't think he let himself properly mourn his mom's death. Quite frankly, even tho this was before he met me, I am kinda inclined to think he didn't mourn his dad, either. He said right after his dad's funeral, he joined the Army. I also conjecture that since ALL this crap over the past three years is (supposedly) over, he's JUST NOW coming to grips with it all.

But what do I do? He'd mentioned over the weekend because of the nature of the businesses he was running, he wasn't home as much as he should've been, but also that I could've somehow managed to spend time with him at the businesses (that smarted....SOMEONE had to be a grown-up and take care of our kids and his Downs Syndrome brother...he wasn't home to do it). He did come out and say point blank that I wasn't there for him....but conversely, he never TRIED to turn to me that I know of.

So how can I be there now after all the pain he's caused me? I realize his pain...but (sigh) I wanna protect myself in case of potential backsliding. I don't want to keep dancing this pax de deux of despair.

I feel like a turtle afraid of coming out of it's shell....

What? I'm not turtle-y enough to be a member of the Turtle Club? Turtle...turtle....

- Kimmy

My little sparrow didn't ever properly grieve her father's death either, I don't think.

And she didn't turn to me when she felt neglected either. Just crammed it and let herself feel resentful.

You're in that situation where he's not capable of giving you much, and you are asked to give him a ton, and it's backwards and unfair and makes you vulnerable when you need protection.

Tolerance and patience are critical, not just now but throughout your life. And I think you know what you will and will not tolerate. Does Nio know, and if he crosses your boundaries, can you calmly tell him so?

Kimmy, I'm sorry if this is all just rehashed and useless. I'm stumped a little.

Turtle is a pretty word, isn't it?

GC

Yes, turtle is a pretty word...like Kemps-Ridley, red eared sliders and loggerheads.

He's crossed a couple of boundries w/out knowing it, but I've now made it clear what they are. He was fessing things about the A - things I didn't even want to know, and it smarted. At the time, I knew he was just talking to get it out of his head, so I let it slide. Later on, when he was on a more even keel, I let him know that it injured me.

Weaver posted that I should be loving. I'm trying, but couple the grief with withdrawl, and all I can do is an occasional hand squeeze and telling him now and then that I'm glad he's home with us.

He did tell me he loved me on the phone this morning before he hung up. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> I dunno if it just slipped out of habit or he really said it (he hasn't been - specially if I don't say it first, so I've been trying not to say it all the time). Who cares? Right? I shouldn't worry it to death or pick it apart...just take it and run with it.

- Kimmy

I love that man....but OHHHHH! I feel that we're at the end of this journey, I can see the light, but it's almost unattainable.

We talked last night about what's going on with us. How he doesn't feel worthy of me, how he doesn't understand why I still love him, and a biggie for me - contact with VD. He's agreed to only talking to her in front of me from now on. If she contacts him at work, he's promised to tell me. We'll see.

How do I be patient now regarding his issues? GRRRR! There is a def. lack of interest by him b/c he says he looks at me and cannot understand why I'm still here. OY VEY! Will he ever stop looking a gift horse in the mouth?

- Kimmy

I'm glad to see you're still alive and kickin'! I hadn't seen you around and was hoping things were going okay.

Keep your chin up <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Your feller's gonna have some amends to make, Kimmy. He feels unworthy? What's he going to do about it? Keep using his unworthiness as permission to be a heel?

GC

I know, GC. I told him that. It's not a crutch to fall back on. He was TONS better this morning. I even got some kisses.

I missed his lips. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

(giggle) That is - I didn't miss, as in my aim...I'm overly fond of his lips, and their absence has been noted and mourned....

LMAO.

Okay Kimmy, something serious.

I want to make enchilada casserole. Tell me how! I can cook real good.

GC

Real enchiladas or just a casserole? I've got both in my noggin.

Casserole!

I can make the real thing okay, but I have to use a recipe, and I take a long time to do the sauce.

GC

1 lb ground beef, pork, turkey (browned) or
1 lb shredded chicken or turkey (cooked)

In a saucepan saute:

1 small chopped onion
1 small chopped bell pepper
2 stalks celery, diced
1 tsp. minced garlic

Add:

1 can cream of whatever (usually use chicken or celery)
1 can cheddar cheese soup
1 can rotel or 1 can diced chili flavored tomatoes (less spicy than the rotel)
Dash cumin
Couple of good dashes of chili powder
1/2 tub sour cream (no fat in this, I tell ya <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> )
Simmer until mixed well.

In a greased, oblong baking dish spoon some of the sauce onto the bottom. Layer with flour or corn tortillas (side note: if you use corn, give them a grease bath in hot oil really quickly on each side so they don't turn mushy - I prefer the flour ones in this b/c it's like noodles in a mexican lasagne). Put a layer of meat down, then a layer of sauce, then a layer of shredded sharp cheddar, then tortillas...repeat till the pan is full ending with a layer of cheese. Bake at 350 degrees until bubbly and golden on top. Let stand for about 10 min to cool and settle.

Hey GC - You make the casserole? I made chicken enchiladas that night....NUMMERS!

Well. Humph. Okay. Sigh. Nio still wants to move to SAT. We've discussed our case with a lawyer in SAT that advised it would look REALLY good for us if we lived in the same county as VD. VD has no car or drivers liscense, so it would fall upon us to get the kids to her for visitation.

Nio's been putting apps in at the PDs and SOs in that area. I updated my resume online, and posted it for employers in SAT to be able to view.

I have put my foot down, tho. I told him I WAS NOT going to move unless he shows me these next few months a complete and total turn-around in behavior from the last 3 years. Our marriage and I MUST come first. No more calling VD if I'm not around...no more discussing things other than the children with her. I told him I'm not uprooting the kids again for him and I won't allow him to continue dragging us thru this drama anymore.

I was surprised by his reaction to my demands. He told me he totally understood where I was coming from and that he'd only call to check on the kids from home (when I was there). If she calls him, he's promised to tell me. He was surprised I was so resolved.

The past couple of days since then have been nice. Is there a light in the midst of this fog? Maybe.

- Kimmy

I haven't made it yet. No time! Band rehearsal Tuesday, canvassing for my favorite prez candidate last night, plus baseball.

Glad to hear Nio's kind of getting it this week. I get the feeling you don't mind the idea of moving to SAT.

GC

Actually, the idea scares the bejeebers out of me. He's got a lot of proving himself to me before I'll even go.

I do miss my IRL friends. At work here, I'm the only person most of the time. I've only met M23B since being here (2 years in Nov.). Plus my SIL and her brood are there. They are GREAT people, and my kids miss the heck out of them. I'd be closer to Z (my oldest), too.

I'll only go IF Nio begins to make amends.

- Kimmy

Psst, Kimmy (whisper) doesn't graycloud look like Matt Damon?

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Now that you mention it..........


(lmao)

SHHHH, (whisper) not so loud, he'll hear us. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

My ears are burning...

You should see me in a pair of Oxfords and a Speedo. The resemblance turns downright spooky!

Haw, haw.

GC

Geesh! Thanks for the mental pic!

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />