Weaver is right. The greatest threat to the marriage is when the BS loses their love. I never thought I would lose my love for WH, but that is what happened.

Well, she called back a little after the wedding, but I didn't have my phone. She left a message, said she's at the cabin with MIL and SFIL and was taking a nap when I called. She said, "I don't know... call me back later if you want. Give [bride and groom] my best. I've been thinking about them a lot."

She didn't get mean, and the person in the message wasn't the evil robot. That was a relief. I don't think I'll call back though. I'm going to let her have that message to stew on for a while, and I'm going to mail her something next week.

The fact that she was up North with her mother (certainly without OM) is a relief. I sent MIL a card thanking her for the birthday card, which she probably got on Friday. They are probably talking about things a bit, but I'm sure it's not the first time...

I feel good about calling. Who knows, maybe now she'll push harder to get away. But I proved to myself that I won't let fear guide my actions, and that's valuable to me no matter what happens.

GC

You did good <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Regarding the wedding... the performance went GREAT. I was temporarily amped from making that call (15 min. before the wedding). Guess I feasted on emotion right up until the beginning of the ceremony. As soon as I started to play, all my thoughts were on my friends. I closed my eyes and went to it like a pro. The groom was crying by the time we hit the second verse. And just as we cut into the last, the bride came to the aisle. Perfect. I didn't miss any lyrics in nine verses, even though I was somewhat off in in la-la land while I sang.

A friend of the bride did the ceremony, and in the beginning she said some great things. Like, "True love does not consume you. It does not make you less of an individual." A bunch of thoughts like that. I don't remember hearing that sort of thing in a wedding before, and it was cool that she included it. I don't know her well, but when I complimented her on those thoughts later, her face twisted all up and she thanked me for saying it.

The wedding was one of those biiiig cry-fests. I was glad I couldn't see (I'll catch the video sometime). We were facing the guests, and most everybody under the tent was going to pieces. I futzed with my guitar and tried to stay cool. There was still another song to do at the end.

I spent a few stretches during last night's wedding party in seclusion, feeling crappy. But on the good side - the sparrow did respond to my call. I was a little surprised.

I KNOW I'm not supposed to be sensitive to this sort of thing, but in the message, when my WW said, "I don't know... you can call me later if you want," she had that dismissive, resigned, slightly annoyed tone in her voice. Her tone says the part that she should have added to the end, which is "but I don't know what the point would be."

I KNOW that my making the call is more important than her response, and that I must be careful not to read too much into things like her tone of voice. But how can I help it? I'm still very vulnerable to her.

But no matter what happens, I know I'll never regret making that call. I think including her in a small way in what was going on was a good thing to do.

At the end of this week I'll send the next white dove. I need to send her money for something again, so I have a good excuse.

Probably nothing more will happen this week. I have not received a notice from the county that I'm getting divorced yet. I responded to service almost two weeks ago, so if she has filed, it must be coming any second.

I'm sure getting that will be another big hit for me. What a ride.

GC

gc:

Very cool!

I agree, you handled that very well. I also agree that she should be left 2 think about things for a while. No more "pressure" from you. All from HER on HER.

Did I miss it? What did you perform? Bet you looked and sounded great!

best,
-ol' 2long

Thanks, 2long. I performed a song called "Do You Remember the Mountain Bed", which is an old tune from the Woodie Guthrie archives that Wilco and Billy Bragg recorded a few years ago on the "Mermaid Ave. Part II" CD. It's a beautiful love song written by a grownup.

I was dudded out nicely in all black, 'cept for a white tie. I felt purty and confident, even though my emotions were all over the freakin' map all day.

The wedding was held outside in the country in South Dakota, just before sunset, under a big white tent. Way cool. The wind was just wild enough to add to the drama.

Yep, now it's time for me to be still for a bit. If the wedding video is any good I might send the sparrow a copy.

GC

Here's something.

After the wedding I was dancing with the bride. The dancing turned into a big hug, she told me the song was beautiful, kissed me on the cheek, then hugged me again, said she loved me, and kissed me on the lips. It was very sweet, nothing sexual.

Affection is a big EN for me, and not getting any of it from my wife in about four months has left me pretty empty.

The experience put me into "why should I wait around like this" mode for a while, and I'll tell you, it is a damned good question.

But I'm staying the course, not to worry...

GC

GC,

I know what you mean. I also miss the affection very much. And I have recieved small doses of it from other women. It makes you wonder doesn't it. But I know that what I shared with my WS for 17 years is much deeper than any small dose of affection I can get from someone else right now. It is possible to fall in love again, I just wonder if it would ever be the kind of love that will last the way ours did. But you can't live life like that either. I'll stay the course for now too. Good luck...
Joe

thinking of you GC, God bless, RR

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> The experience put me into "why should I wait around like this" mode for a while, and I'll tell you, it is a damned good question.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm quite possibly the biggest mush-head out there...and BUD! I'm right there with you on that one.......GRRRRR! I had IT 3 weeks ago!!!! Okay, okay...staying the course....staying the course.

Sometimes I just figure that I'm WAY to cute for this sh*t! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I AM SO GLAD YOUR PERFORMANCE WENT SO WELL!!! Booyah!

- Kimmy

Very good.

Really, really, really good.

Now, whats next?

SS

I don't know what's next. I'm going to lay low for a little bit. I've asked the guy who videotaped the wedding for two copies when he has it ready. Since the sparrow said she was sorry she missed their special day and has been thinking about them a lot, I figured she'd like it if I sent her a copy. Not to mention she'd see me do my song, which can't hurt. But it could be a while before the video guy gets it together.

I have to mail her a check for something, but I'm not going to do it this week. I think I should back off now. I came out, showed her something good, and now I've disappeared again.

I need to get back into my routine, get my house together, get my own things in order, before I'm ready to dip a toe into my wife's chaos again.

GC

I love the idea of sending her the tape. That is perfect! Hopefully, it won't be too long until you get your copies. When you send the next check, do you have a funny comic that you could put in with it along with a quick note like "Saw this and it made me laugh, thought you would enjoy it."?

Did the double again.

<small>[ September 07, 2004, 07:17 PM: Message edited by: still seeking ]</small>

Hi Gray,
Sometimes I laugh and laugh when I read your posts. Not at you, but........well..........


I need to get back into my routine, get my house together, get my own things in order, before I'm ready to dip a toe into my wife's chaos again.

From Still Seekings guide to mountain bathing.

"When going into cold water (like snow melt lakes) It's best to get a run and jump as far out into the water as you can. That way, if you don't die of a heart attack, you will get a chance to wash off a little bit as you claw your way to the shore as fast as is humanly possible and try to keep from freezing to death."

Somehow, it seems to fit. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Today?
How was today?
How are you now?

SS

Kloe, two cards ago I included a joke, wished her a good trip and an happy birthday, and that was it. Oh, and I put a four-leaf clover (a real one) in the card. For the next card, I'm going to find some other flat, meaningful, but not-too-much trinket to include, and I'll find more humor, definitely. I like the idea of a comic. I'll keep my eyes out for something.

SS, I don't want to jinx it, but I feel okay right now after a tough couple of weeks. This weekend seems to have healed me a little and given me some confidence.

GC

good GC, happy for you <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Lets review.

I suggested contact mostly for you. I think unless she is really mean, it will make desposits in your LB just to talk to her. I think it will help you continue.

I also think it will do some good for her to speak to you, for her to hear your voice, and think about some of the good times you had.

You can still call her and tell her what you called her about on the weekend. I think you can still get some mileage out of that one. Explain your feelings, what you were thinking, why you wanted to talk to HER.

If it goes well, you can ask about the trip too.
What did she like best, How is grandma, does she have more trips planned, how you wish you could have gone with her. Oh, I have to go, thanks for talking.

The law of conservation of energy.
Use your momentum.

SS

SS, let me describe the conversations I've had with the sparrow since she left at the end of May.

Our first meeting was a walk around the lake by our house, a week after she left. I was calm and kind and very cool, even though I'd just spent the better part of a week crying and sick. I explained some of the things I've learned about myself, and we had what she referred to as "a good talk". She admitted to being not motivated to work on the M, but said she would consider seeing an MC with me.

Two days later she said she wanted a D.

Our second meeting was for an hour at a coffee shop. She looked terrible. After a minute she let her guard down and I plan Aed her like crazy. She fought back tears and told me how special and wonderful I am. At the end of the meeting she thanked me.

The next day she suggested bringing OM to the house to help her get her stuff, and a few days after that she emailed me about how excited she was because she was going to meet OM's family.

The third meeting was a two-hour conversation where she told me she was overwhelmed as she started to understand how much pain she has created. She asked me to tell her what I've learned about affairs. She showed less doubt than before, but again told me how wonderful I am and gave me a big hug and asked to get together again.

A week later she served me.

The pattern is clear. She lets me in a little bit, she sees me in a positive light, then she creates some drama to push me away again.

Now I've called her. Granted, we didn't actually speak, but I reappeared in her life and showed myself again to be kind, loving, and strong, but vulnerable too.

I still don't know if she's actually filed for D. Probably - but I've received nothing from the county, and it's been over two weeks since I responded to service. On the slim chance that she hasn't filed, I think I should avoid doing too much, because she's likely to get skittish again.

As soon as I get that stuff from the county, I'll reconsider my plan. Right now I'm going to stay quiet and send her a card on Monday.

This is like trying to feed a wild animal from your hand. My next message is going to be lighthearted.

GC

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> The pattern is clear. She lets me in a little bit, she sees me in a positive light, then she creates some drama to push me away again. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">So how's that working for you?
.
.
.
.
Maybe you should try something DIFFERENT!!!!

People do not change until the pain of staying the same outweighs the pain of changing. Every time you give her a big love anesthetic, it helps her stay the same!!! You, and 2Long, are enabling your wives' behavior. You need to enable the pain of reality to hit them. THAT is the most loving thing you can do. Stop being a drug.