I don't know if you saw my other threads, but my H asked me for divorce yesterday and said he wanted to continue dating me after the divorce.

One of your signatures says that you never dealt with the affairs. I want to expose the affair so badly, as I know he is trying to hide it from our girls.

He does not want to admit that he is involved in an affair, so he tries to make them think that we are just having so many issues.

He says this is the time to divorce as we can take some time away from each other and coming back together fresh.

Is he really in the fog or what???

He really thinks I am stupid - does he really want me to let him go and have his affair and then return to work on our marriage??

What should I do at this point?? I have been given some great advice to continue in Plan A.

I think it will work, but it hurts just the same.

It was a bad evening and even a worse day - I need to stay strong in the process.

what books have you read?
Surviving An Affair?
Divorce Busters?
You need to arm yourself with as much information as possible! Get thee to the bookstore!
Is he really in the fog or what???
To answer this questions - YES!
This is classic fog talk - and he will likely follow a very predictable pattern. You need to become well informed so you know what to expect.

Becoming divorced so you can come back together "fresh" - that is rdiciulous. Getting divorced, fully intending to "date" afterwards??? I don't think so. He wants to make sure you are always waiting for him - just in case. He needs to understand right now that divorced means divorced. it means you are free to date anyone you want to - and would not likely choose him!

As for exposure - it is absoutely crucial. I would say that it needs to be done very soon. Righ now he is re-writing history - telling everyone you ahve "problems" so that later on when his A is made public he can say "well, you know we were havign problems".

Read read read.......

It is possible to do Plan A while separated, if you have some contact. Dating & separation are ok. My Plan A was probably too long (18 months) through too many separations (the first 6).

But, I think you should make it clear to your H that if he pursues the D, the dating is over. Plan B (or D as in Divorce) will begin and there will be no unnecessary contact.

If all he wants is time away "to come back together fresh"...why spend the money on the D? Divorce is not conducive to "freshness" for the person who does not want it.

He sounds like he's a cakeman, wanting to keep you on the line, yet living like a single man.

Your daughters are at an age where they will understand what he is doing, and, I know my teenage daughters, especially my older one despised my H for his actions.

It has taken as much for him to recover that relationship as it has for us to recover our marriage.

Newlife1,

Get divorced and then start dating???????????

Is this guy like 17? I have never heard anything so "out there in the fog" before.

And then what, get married again?

So he is having an A? Do you know the particulars on OW? Expose to OW's H if there is one. Maybe your daughters already know or have a feeling.

God Bless You!
k

Hi Newlife,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> ...but my H asked me for divorce yesterday and said he wanted to continue dating me after the divorce.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What was his tone, his body language? Was he confrontational when he said this, or was he calm and "reasonable"?

If he was calm and not angry, I suspect that he may just be "testing the waters"... to see what your response would be.

As for continuing to date you... you need to let him know in a gentle way that this is not what you want... that you don't want a divorce, but if he persues it, you will NOT date him. Clearly tell him where your boundary is so there's no misunderstanding your position.

Again, these are just my thoughts... what has your IC said about your situation? Have you had a chance to ask your IC about your H having issues with his mother yet?

Semper Fi,
RIF90

Hi all:

After I posted this thread, I got a call from WH. He says that he will be getting the divorce papers to me soon, but wanted to know if we could work out something amicably between us. He did not want to involve any lawyers and he also wants to go to mediation.

I am an attorney, so he says I should just draw up the papers and file a mutually agreed divorce. I said absolutely not!!!

I keep reiterating to him in a calm voice that I prefer, and desire that our marriage work. I told him I understand where he is in his life and that he may feel he wants to be single. However, I was not going to participate in implementing the divorce.

If he serves me with the D papers, I will have no other choice but to respond, and hire an attorney to represent me (the old saying "an attorney who represents himself, has a fool for a client).

He thinks he has it all figured out. He has been on the website researching divorce laws in our state. He says that he will likely have to pay child support and that will be enough to allow me and the girls to stay in the house. Right now, he is paying the mortgage, mowing the lawn, and my health insurance. He has also been talking to one of his male friends who also left his wife. He is getting the worst advice.

He gets angry when I tell him that I will likely sell the house if he pursues this divorce. He states that it is one of the things he dislikes about me is that I am painting a "bleak" picture by saying that I cannot afford the house. He has much nerve, when he is the one painting a bleak picture by abandoning our family.

When I say he is leaving me and the girls he gets even angrier and says to leave the girls out of this, as this divorce does not involve them, it is just between the two of us. He is acting like a monster.

I am not sure what plan to follow or what action to take. I just told him that I want our marriage to work, but he holds fast to his decision to pursue the divorce.

It is very peculiar that today he did not mention that he wanted to date me after the divorce. His new saying now is that the sooner the better for the divorce. Just to get a response from him, I asked him if we are going to still date? His answer today was, I don't know, I need to give it some time.

RBIF90: As for his issues with his mother, I did speak with my IC on Sunday during my session. She says it sounds like he has some deep issues with his mother and his actions toward me justify his anger for his mother - even though he is spending more time with her during the separation. His mother is making sure the apartment is very cozy and she is happy that he is away from me - she has never really liked me. So I have to contend with - how awful.


He also said that I am free to date anyone I want to during this separation - but that he chooses not to date - Is he in denial or what??

Again, what plan is appropriate for this scenario - PLEASE ADVICE!!

He is so adamant about seeking this D and it just makes me so sad to think that his mind is made up. Is there hope for reconciliation???

When I say he is leaving me and the girls he gets even angrier and says to leave the girls out of this, as this divorce does not involve them, it is just between the two of us.

My husband said this as well. It wasn't until our older daughter (then 14 now 19) told him how wrong he was that he got it.

So, since this isn't about the girls, is he ready to tell them? If he's right, they shouldn't mind, correct?

I'm all for natural consequences, your daughters should be told that their father wants a divorce. Preferably, he should tell them.

Since this isn't what you want, do not go with the "your dad & I have decided", TELL the girls that you want your marriage to work, it is your H that wants out.

Stay as calm as you can when talking to him. Plan A while he is living at home. If he leaves you can decide at that point whether to continue Plan A for a time or go to Plan B.

And, just because he wants an amicable divorce ie, he wants what he wants when he wants it...get a mediator or a lawyer--the best/scariest one you know.

Hey Lor:

Thanks for your comments.

My H does not live at home - he moved out for the 2nd time this year. So, it is hard to implement plan A if he is not in the house - he is gone.

I have told my girls and he has too, that he wants a divorce. Actually, I'm not so sure what he told the girls about the divorce. I do know that after he left that day he told them to "watch me for the next day or so, as I might be depressed."

I have told our girls that I want our marriage to work, and that this is their Dad's decision to separate, yet again, and to now seek a divorce.

I'm not sure of the plan A implementation, but I'm giving it my best shot in the midst of his fog.

He keeps telling me that there is no other woman. He even said that I could date, but that he was not. Fog talk????

I want to know if anyone thinks my marriage has hope given these circumstances???

newlife1 -

First, a bit of "housekeeping" if I may. I strongly suggest that you keep to ONE thread for right now as all of your threads, including this one, have been on essentially the same topic with just an emotional "jolt of the moment." It will make it much easier for others to stay "connected" to your story and to respond to you. It will make it easier for you to not have to keep repeating information or telling someone to "go check my other thread." It's NOT their responsibility to search for ways to understand and help you because it often takes unnecessary amounts of time, and a lot of members don't know how to "search" for threads.

But we all know the craziness that hits when dealing with these sorts of problems, so I just thought I'd throw that in before your posting numbers get too great for someone to really try to follow what's going on by having to search multiple threads.


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I really do want my husband back. I don't know that I am prepared to research whether or not he is having an affair - my suspicions are strong that he is, but I'm not prepared to deal with it at this time. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The above quotation is from one of your previous threads. Can I "get tough" for a minute? Whether you are "prepared to deal with it at this time" or not, it IS upon you. You MUST know the facts and NOT live in speculation and/or denial of FACTS. I strongly suspect that has been a big problem in your marriage all along, especially during the time since his 1999 affair. Since you don't want to do the investigative work yourself, I would suggest you hire a PI to answer the question of whether or not there IS an affair, or if his current position is based upon a botched, fumbled, attempt at reconciliation after his previous affair.

Regarding the divorce papers he seems bent on filing; "It ain't over 'till it's over" would be the operative phrase (borrowed from sports) here.
I am assuming that you are sincere in NOT wanting a divorce and WANTING to reconcile and rebuild your marriage. So the first order of business is to do what most attorneys are very good at doing....STALL. Delay, refuse to sign anything, hire an attorney to protect assests from his abandonment, open up a separate bank account and transfer all assets you can so he cannot get at them, etc.

You can(and should) continue in Plan A whenever you have contact with him, but you cannot live in denial that HE is forcing this issue and you must protect yourself and your children. It is NOT time for "nice-nice" right now when it comes to the assets. Should a divorce be granted, it will be the Judge who decides the division of assets. Your "job" right now is to protect the assets until the "game is played out."

Newlife1, I strongly suspect that one of two things is going on here.

1. Your husband is involved in an affair and is in classic secrecy mode and "blame the spouse" while trying to make it "as easy as possible to have his cake and eat it too."

2. Your joint recovery from his previous affair has been a dismal failure with neither of you understanding what needed to be done to get to the root causes of the "problem," probably leading to a feeling in your husband that "nothing I do will ever be 'good enough' for her" so I might as well accept that we can never have marriage where I am truly forgiven. The issues that led to his 1999 affair were never really addressed, just glossed over with some window dresssing (i.e., "we tried Marriage Counseling") but with no real commitment or understanding. It's often easier to AVOID conflict that to have to meet it head on and deal with it. Sweeping it under the rug is NOT a recipe for healing, it merely delays the day when the dirt has to actually be picked up, dealt with, and permanently removed from your house.

Newlife1, you made a statement in a previous post about your faith and reading your bible. I, therefore, assume that you are a Christian. But I heard nothing in those previous posts about your husband's faith, or lack of faith.

You need to know something about me before I go further. I am a Christian. So is my wife. I "temper" my advice to Christians with the Scripture and God's commands, not mere opinion or suggestions. So I have a need to know where the two of you stand on the matter of "Christ in your lives." It will have a direct impact upon the advice that can be offered and the resources that will be available to both you and your husband.

Lest you think I don't know what I'm talking about here, let me give you a very brief synopsis of my experience. My wife was engaged in a 6 year hidden affair(yes, sin is not the exclusive province of nonbelievers and is very blinding to those caught up in it) before I discovered it while she was in the process of getting ready to divorce me and marry the OM. Her affair began after we had been married for over 20 years. She had her own secret apartment (1 year separation prior to divorce is a requirement in our State), had previously accepted a proposal of marriage from the OM, and had the divorce papers all drawn up and ready to be served. On the day that I told her to "pack up and leave", she, the OM, and I were standing within 5 feet of each other and she chose him when he asked her "what did she want."

If you are interested in my story, or more details, let me know and I will give you the links to my first couple of threads, especially the one entitled "Miracles happen when you are obedient to God."

So I KNOW what hopeless feels like. I know the way the mind darts around in many directions and fires off in a new direction before finishing dealing with the last thought. What I am asking you to do is to LISTEN to those of us who have been through it and TRUST that we may know what to do even if you can't seem to make sense of it. You will have to carefully sift through all the advice to determine what is most relevant to your situation since you are the only one here who is in possession of "all the facts."

The first thing you are going to have to address, if you are a Christian, is what God says about marriage and how you are to perform your "roles" as husband and wife, about marital unfaithfulness, forgiveness, and restoration. You need to be brutally honest with yourself about how you have, or have not, fulfilled your role of "wife" and "completer" to your husband. He, too, is responsible for his role as husband, but I can't get into that until I know if he is a believer or not. If not, then you've been in an "unevenly yoked marriage" and the "onus" for a "Christian walk" has been upon you without your "helpmeet" walking side-by-side.

Newlife1, to use another sports analogy....you are only in the top half of the 1st inning. You haven't even come to bat yet. The "opposing team" has scored a run (separated) but the game has a long way to go before it is "over." 9 innings is a long game. You have a whole "bench of players" available to use and the best "equipment" to select from. You're just getting started, and while perhaps a bit nervous that the opposition has scored a run already, you know that your "game plan" is solid and that you can even overcome "errors". "It ain't over 'til it's over!"

God bless.

ForeverHers:

Thanks for the advice about the postings and threads on this site. You are right,my emotions and my ego have me running rampant on the MB website as I am wounded and hurting. I sometimes find it hard to follow my own threads as I have posted so many. I am glad that I went back today to check on responses to some of my previous posts.

To answer your question, yes I am a Christian and so is my husband. However, he stopped attending church more than 2 years ago. At one point in his life he entered into the first stages of ministry at our church - he even preached a trial sermon. He has wandered so far from our christian beliefs, and I think that is why he wants a divorce. He feels guilty about his affair and needs to cut all ties with me in order to fully explore and pursue this OW.

I continue to get strength in the Lord through my prayer and meditation each morning and every night before I go to sleep. I pray that the Lord's will be done in this marriage and restore and reconcile us unto the Lord first, before we can be restored and reconciled to each other.

I am a fervent believer that "Whatever you ask for, you shall receive if you believe."

So, you are right, I think me and WH have been "unequally yoked" for quite some time. I know that prayer changes things. I am continuing to PUSH as I know I serve a God who hears and answers prayers, as well as gives us the desires of our heart.

I will stick to one thread and pray for a spirit of discernment to take from the website what I need to apply to my situation.

Thanks again for the advice on my situation as well as the posting of threads on this website. Excellent advice - you are truly a messenger sent from God as I continue to battle with my situation - but I know the battle is not mine, it is the Lord's.

"To God be the Glory."

Anybody have any good advice or insight about WH's latest attitude?

Update - I have been in Plan A since he told me he wanted a divorce last Tuesday. We have been separated for three weeks, and he keeps coming back every weekend to get more of his things.

On this weekend's visit, today, he came and mowed the lawn and took more of his clothes and other things. I told him again that I prefer that our marriage work and that I apologized he did not feel like our house has been a home for all the years. He told me to stop apologizing.

As I was leaving the house, I gave him a hug and said that I missed getting hugs. His response was that I would find somebody real soon to give hugs to me as he thinks I am a very beautiful woman.

That really hurt my feelings - and I asked him if he were dating already and he said no.

What should I do now? I feel hopeless about this marriage and he is still pursuing the divorce.

Should I continue to Plan Aing him? or just leave him alone at this point?

He also said he appreciated me being kind - (he just does not how many times I want to let him have it!!!!) - but I hold my tongue and continue in Plan A.

Is he trying to make me upset because my Plan A has been working so well?

Please, I need help from some of you veterans on the MB website.

I am desparate!!!!!! Is there hope for my marriage in this situation????

newlife, you do have some hope here, but you are going to have to start doing some footwork to save your marriage. You have to work to save your marriage; it is not going to be handed to you on a silver platter.

The first step is to find out what is going on here. Is he having an affair? You have to know this. You must know the facts about your OWN LIFE in order to know how to proceed. There isn't much you can do until you have ALL THE FACTS. You cannot even begin to fight until you KNOW what the enemy is.

If he is having an affair, which I suspect strongly that he is, then we can help you deal with it. But we can't help you deal with anything until you know the facts.

Can you ask around and get a good P.I.?

melodylane:

I know in my heart that he is seeing another woman, and yes, you are right, he needs to be exposed.

I have several police officer friends who moonlight as PIs. This is how I uncovered his first A in 1999.

Knowing that there is OW, should I continue in Plan A even though he will not admit it?

newlife -

I am quite sure he is having an affair, as he is behaving like all of the WS's do. There are several things that make me think this. Saying that this has nothing to do with your girls, asking them to watch you because you might be depressed for a day or so, dating after the divorce - classic fog talk.

So settle down and stay in Plan A. You also need to take care of yourself. It is miserable when you first find out, but does get much better.

You can do things that raise your self-esteem, which is probably in the toilet. Exercise, get out with others, make your home warm and comforting.

Most WS's do come back to the marriage, even when they talk completely crazy.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by newlife1:
<strong>

Knowing that there is OW, should I continue in Plan A even though he will not admit it? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">YES. But, part of Plan A is doing everything in your power to end the affair. And that means finding out who it is and exposing the affair.

Once you know the facts, you can confront him with what you know and change the dialogue from lying and secrecy. You cannot move forward until you know what you are dealing with.

<img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> Anyone out there want to give me some advice or maybe some hope that my marriage is reconcilable???

WH served me with divorce papers on 9/9/04. We have been separated for only 3 weeks. However this is our second time separating this year.

I am feeling very lost, confused, depressed and hopeless.

I begged him not to file for divorce, but he did anyway. I meet with my attorney tomorrow to respond to WH's summons to dissolve our marriage.

I guess I won't be posting here anymore in the general questions, as my status has now changed.

Anyone have any words of hope or encouragement? Has there been a situation where WH filed for divorce and then changed his mind mid-way thru the proceedings?

Inspiring stories would really be helpful!!

<img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

<img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> Anybody care to respond to my previous question??

I do not want to start another thread just to get some responses to my question

Please give me some much needed insight into my situation.

I am desparately seeking feedback on whether I should continue to Plan A my WH or Plan B during the divorce - Any comments or suggestions <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Looking for feedback in a very difficult situation.

Hi Newlife,

I'm sorry, but I really don't have any answers for you... My W and I never separated, so I really don't have any experiences to offer...

What has your IC said about your H's issues with his mother? He could very well be having an A, and I agree with the others that you should try to find out on your own if that is truly the case. I'll be praying for you and your family...

Semper Fi,
RIF90

Dear New Life..You can still post here at 'General Questions II', even if a divorce is in the process.

One of my favorite success stories is by a MB member named Carol...Here is her thread...Her post begins the third one down.

I hope through reading it, you get a glimmer of hope for your own marriage.
Sincerely, Julie <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=37;t=014880;p=1

Thanks for the replies.

I am holding out hope that my WH will reconcile even in the midst of the divorce <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> . I will have faith that he will come to his senses and that God will convict his heart to be kind and gentle.

I will read the thread from Caroline and pray that my marriage has a chance to be reconciled.

Thanks to everyone for the comments. I will continue to be in Plan A even until the final orders are issued. My attorney believes we will be going through the process at least until the beginning of 2005.

I'm sure I will be posting frequently during this time to get inspiration and encouragement from those of you who have been in my shoes or are currently in similar situations.

Any other encouraging stories out there to share??

I would welcome any comments and suggestions at this point.

God bless!! <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />