Hi Bob --

I have not posted to you before because you have many very experienced MBers who are advising you who are excellent.

But I do want to tell you that you're doing great! And your posts do not cause a lot of debate. One (maybe 2) obviously has something stuck in his/her craw that probably has little to do with you and your posts. Ignore him/her/them. The less you engage those who only want to tear you down the quicker they will go away.

The posters who are well-experienced in MB concepts won't hesitate to advise you in a kind, if sometimes forceful, manner. But they will do so in a way that isn't destructive.

Do not bother yourself for a minute over the squabbles here. Take care of yourself, your beautiful children, and your confused WW.

Good luck,
Shellybird

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Bob Pure:
I was proud I managed it. My Boss came and thanked me, then told me privately SHE had been a BS and gave me a month's sabbatical !

God works in ways we cannot imagine.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Excellent! And, I always say, God always answers us. (Unfortunately, He doesn't always give us the answers we want! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> (Yeah, I could see God totin' the shades sometimes!)

Mel...How have you been?!?! It's been such a long time since we *disagreed* on something!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> (Hope all is well!)

LINY, I have been agreeing with ya lots lately!! good to see ya! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

OK...feeling a little sheepish now...Mel grinned at me for starters ( <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> ) and I just noticed there was an entire thread on this debacle of BT!

Bob, also adding my support.

As my old geordie FIL used to say "Treat it with ignore."

Jen

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">D_rose, yes I think Karate is the place where WW feels least like dirt. It makes me wonder if I should expose to her karate club so they know her 'secret' too. I have not so far because I really need her to choose to give that up, not be 'coerced' to. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Bob - Something to add to your "bag of things to consider."

Your wife has obviously invested a lot into Karate and become very proficient. It is a sport, and like so many other things, it can become an "obsession" and begin to occupy too much time. In a sense, the person who is so "into" their hobby, sport, or whatever can begin to function as if they were single and there were no other "obligations" on his/her time.

Karate, per se, is NOT the problem. Balance, or lack of balance, is the problem. In most sports, become "better" or more proficient is founded upon balance. If you stay in balance, all else flows naturally and you generally have a more positive outcome. If you get out of balance, you are weak and vulnerable. Bob, Karate was not the problem. It was your wife's lack of balance in her life. The same thing can, and sadly does, happen to ministers of the gospel. It does NOT have to be Karate, or any sport or hobby, it can also be work or "ministry."

Maintaining a balance is very important. It's also one of the reasons why most of us need to learn to say "no" sometimes, even to something that is good and or "needed." In marriage the "rules" for balance are really very simple. God first, Spouse second, children third, everything else a distant fourth. Anytime you take a "fourth" thing and elevate it ahead of the other three, you are asking for trouble. Continue to do that long enough and you are asking for severe trouble.

Your wife has a problem with priorities and probably something of an inferiority problem where she substitutes what she perceives as "control" for balance. She has "control" in Karate, and certainly as a tournament judge. She had "control" in her affair and found "reasons" to "justify" that behavior so as to allow her to remain in control. But with the destabilization of the affair, and with the exposure of the affair to both you and the OM's GF, she has lost control.

Losing control, or at least thinking that you are losing control, is scary. That's a prime reason why you, and to a lesser extent the children, are seeing that fear come out in defensive anger. If someone can be "cowed" by anger, she has a feeling of control. But again it's false control because it stems from being out of balance, of not having her Boundaries and Standards in place, of still running from God.

I do have to also interject a little caution for you. I'm getting a little concerned about the frequency with you are using certain phrases like "poor poor wife". I understand you are feeling bad about the pain that she is going through and the potential for more pain as she begins to deal with this mess, but it almost seems condescending to keep repeating it. Almost like a Disrespectful Judgment."

As hard as it is right now to hear statements from her that seem hurtful and unjust, you really need to think about "overdoing" your Plan A. Yes, I know that seems a little strange, but you seem to "pounce" on everything she does. No, again, it's not fair, but you need to simply accept, as part of your Plan A, some of the things she says and does and NOT comment on them in any way, positively or negatively. Just let her BE who she is right now and where she is right now.

It is hard to "wait on the Lord" sometimes, but Bob, this "battle" is not solely your battle. It is first and foremost the Lord's battle. She has sinned and been running from Him for a long time. God is going to reach her, and you, as His representative in the house, show your support for God best by being patient and waiting on His timing, not yours.

I am NOT saying to stop your efforts. You have been doing a very good job. I am telling you to simply "tone down" your efforts a little. It takes TIME for even positive things to "sink in," be assimilated, and effect a positive change.

You are handling the children well. It is also going to take them time to "get over" or "come to grips" with things. It is sad, but it is true. However, you can make it a very positive change for them by stressing love and obedience to God.

Once again, Bob, I want you to think about recovery in terms of YEARS, not days, weeks, or months. One bite of the elephant at a time. Karate is not "THE" problem. Lack of balance of time and lack of priorities is the problem.

"No Contact" will have an impact on the time spent on Karate as she has integrated the affair with the Karate. The first course is to reestablish her connection to you, and to the children. To begin to move back to a "better balance." Remember, she is used to control and is now feeling out of control. Pushing her to "give up" Karate will be seen as manipulative and an attempt to control her. She will put up negative walls. Your main issue is not the Karate, it's the affair. She is already going to see the exposing of the affair and the Boundary of No Contact as controlling and manipulative. It isn't really. It's merely your Boundaries and Standards in conflict with hers. But she is NOT thinking right now. She is reacting, and reacting almost exclusively with her emotions.

Once the reconnection to you and the family begins, and real changes are made in each of you and how you fulfill your servanthood roles, she will begin to raise the value of family time and time with you in her mind and list of priorities. Karate will return to being a "part" of her, but not the dominating and almost exclusive obsession of her life. She will learn to "just say no" sometimes.

Patience Bob, patience. Stay the course and accept that there times when it's best to simple back off and say nothing. Give her time to process the flood of information and emotions, the realization that others who she loves HAVE been impacted by her choices and that more forgiveness and healing is needed.

But don't make the mistake of cornering a "wounded animal" and not leaving them a way to "escape." That's what Karate is for her right now...a way to escape for some small time from all the voices in her head and the emotions that are raging within her.

God bless.

FH an insightful post. The only thing I would disagree with is that Karate is not a 'neuter' or abstract world with which to become alined. It is an amoral, almost IMMORAL world where infidelity, violnce, financial impropriety and illegal activity are the norm. Gimble and other posters know this from independent personal experience and thats one reason he has a burden to help me here.

Yes balance is the major problem, but also that the 'imbalance' is into a Godless activity. There ARE Christian Karate clubs and associations, but ABSOLUTELY NOT the one in involved with these past 3 years or so.

I say poor wife without conscious intention of patronising her. It is clear to me that her world is smashed, her heart is broken and she won't let anyone in but OM and he doesn't want to anymore. I love her and I am sorry she feels bad, although it is her choice so to do. RU saying my compassion for her at this worst time in her life is misplaced or of the wrong colour?

Food for thought though, and yes I know I am impatient. The thought of YEARS of being loveless and alone in a shell of a marriage is terrifying to me, but I have no choice but to walk the path I am given.

Finally it became clear to me in prayer tonight that I must be still and let od work for a while. YES I have tools to affect behaviour , but IMO such manipulation can only be counter productive. I never maniplated pre-A and I cannot start now in good faith.

Thanks all. Need to back off and drop a gear for some weeks and let the yeast work the dough for a while.

Incidentally I checked the balance on the batphone last night. No usage since wednesday. Perhaps OM told WW to leave him alone and that why WW has ben so spiteful with me since ?

Dunno

{{{{mb}}}}}

<small>[ September 05, 2004, 03:11 AM: Message edited by: Bob Pure ]</small>

Because of her prioritizing karate above everything else in her life out kids will now not se their mom untik Monday morning when we wake them for school since Fiday afternoon when we dropped her at a karate event.

The kids are so very sad...all they have talked about all weekend in how much they miss their mom, despite my doing soem cool stuff with them every day since friday. This is NOT acceptable fog or no fog. I am trying to be patient but i SCREAM inside to say something to her when (if) i see her before bedtime tonight.

God, move my mouth, heart and arm to YOUR will, not mine. Amen.

OK so WW is going to come home after the kids are in bed. Karate has robbed the kids of their Mom from Friday evening till Monday morning at her own volition. I have hugged my kids crying over this over the weekend and I am angry so...how to greet her when she gets home?

Well, I've cooked her a biryani and bought a bottle of her favourite wine with a note on saying "Welcome home baby, we all missed you x".

I EAT plan A. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> I hope this stuff works. I'm gonna feel awfa silly in a year if it don't ! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

<small>[ September 05, 2004, 02:32 PM: Message edited by: Bob Pure ]</small>

No Bob, you wont feel silly....U will have the conviction of knowing that you did all you could do. Thats all that any of us can hope for. Our spouses have their free agency to choose. Its up to us to make ourselves and attractive choice <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Enjoy the byriani....just hope it doesnt go to your buns <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

What the heck is a byrani???? What kind of silly foreigner food is that?? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

This yummy, spicy yellow rice and meat dish...indian in origin...we Brits love Indian food <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I think I'll stick to my BBQ brisket and ribs! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

ML its like jambalaya without sausage. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Bob Pure:
<strong> ML its like jambalaya without sausage. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">hooooooooooooo-kay, now you're talking my language! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />