Kati,

Cultural differences c/b good and bad. My H and I are from very different backgrounds. My family migrated to Hawaii from Okinawa back in the early 1900s, so I am 3rd generation. My husband's family migrated from parts of France and other places (he is heinz57 - <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ) so we are from opposite ends who both ended up in CA. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I love to learn of other's backgrounds and at the same time learned that good and bad exists in all walks of life because each person is responsible for their own actions.

To see infidelity tolerated at all places in life is very hurtful. Some cultures tolerate and encourage it more than others. That's a fact.

How we individually handle these issues is what brings the variety to this world. Some good and some bad.

MB has truly been a learning experience for me and my H.

All the best,
L.

Orchid,

My husband is Half-Japanese and I'm from Europe (immigrated here in the 90's). Our backgrounds and families are so different and it has been a very enriching experience for both of us. I'm very close to my H's family, even though the EA has sort of caused a little edge in between all of us because I have started so much to withdraw from family around me. I understand that they may be just as uncomfortable with the situation though and do not know how to react properly.

I do not think that my husband's culture tolerates infidelity, however he comes from a very painful childhood (abandoned by his father) and I think this has caused major wounds.

Sorry, didn't mean to hijack SML's thread, but I thought this might be useful to her and hopefully other's who are dealing not only with infidelity, but also with cultural differences.

Kati

SML & Kati,

I think the discussion by Kati on cultural differences helps put a spin on the infidelity scenarios we are having to deal with. Mine if the reverse from Kati yet the issues are similar. So this A thing knows no bounds. Sad but true.

However, we can all learn from what others are dealing with and that is why I participate here on MB. I have learned a lot.

SML, you are dealing with a lot right now. Please let us know how we can help you further.

take care,
L.

SML & Kati,

I think the discussion by Kati on cultural differences helps put a spin on the infidelity scenarios we are having to deal with. Mine if the reverse from Kati yet the issues are similar. So this A thing know no bounds. Sad but true.

However, we can all learn from what others are dealing with and that is why I participate here on MB. I have learned a lot.

SML, you are dealing with a lot right now. Please let us know how we can help you further.

take care,
L.

Kati & Orchid,
My husband is Cambodian I am American. My husband grew up raised by women and has 3 sisters and one brother. I grew up raised by both of my parents who have been together over 30 years. So needless to say that we have different values and different thoughts on almost everything. It use to be when we disagree on something my husband would just agree because he didn't want to hurt my feelings or start a big argument. But we realize this is one of the areas where we both went wrong.

My husband does not believe in mutiple wives but I have a idea about what is going on also. Is first wife he met I think in his senior year of high school. A few weeks before graduation he quit because he wanted to be with her. Then he married her soon after that. He pretty much didn't have much of a single life. She was his everything. He worked 2/3 jobs to support them. Then she complained she was lonely and wanted to start a family. She got pregnant but I think she started cheating on him soon afterwards. She left him and their son to be with the OM. She went back and forth for awhile but soon got pregnant with the OM's baby then finally decided to divorce. My husband I think was very depressed. He was young and left to raise a baby. He did what was right of him but I know that he wishes that he would have waited on the whole marriage and baby thing to later on in life.

When he met me. I totally accepted his son. Unlike a lot of his other dates they liked him but did not want him because he had a child. After all these years I think he is finally getting over her but now I think he misses being able to do the things he never got to do. Like live his single life. We dated for over three years. I got pregnant before we got married. But I always told him I did not want to marry him because of a child. Our son was about 8 months old when we got married.

Now I am pregnant again. It was unexpected but I consider it a blessing from God. He sees it as more responsibility. I know that our cultures, his father not being around, and what his wife did to him is what is making all of this happen. He realizes this but doesn't know what to do. Because to him it feels like he doesn't love me like he should and since he was able to do the things he did he feels I don't deserve it and feels he needs to leave.

The biggest problem for me right now is for the last almost 4 years I have been a stay at home mom. Recently I got a job with his sister working only 4 hours a day. I get about 200 a week. Just a little extra money to help out. I cannot afford to live in our townhouse and pay all the bills. He tells me that he will sign any paper. He wants to make it easy on me. That he will give me anything I want. That he still cares for me and wants to see me happy and achieve things even if he is not with me. As far as the kids he said he would visit every other weekend. I told them they cannot be taken around the OW. By the way. One of you asked what race she is. She is half white and half Mexican. She was also raised by her father. I think her mom kind of abandoned her. So I think my husband in a way related because of what his ex did to their son.

Kati,
When you said this.

He is probably very talented, passionate and emotional as a writer and poet and he feels that he will never be able to truly experience his life's passion while being tied down with a family, chilren and responsibilities..


You hit it right on. He has said those exact words to me. Our MC when we were going told him that I cannot be his inspiration. That he has to find it in himself. That our marriage has nothing to do with him writing a book. But he believes that with marriage, kids, and responsibilities it ties him down and he is not able to work on it. Even though when I met him and we were just dating he didn't work on his ideas either. He had a whole different set of excuses. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> He knows all this things are just excuses. Now he needs to get down to the real issues. He has told me he is so mad at himself right now. That he cannot focus on what he needs to. My prayer is that God will help us in all of this.

I know I will be ok. I know I can make it without him. But I also know I will miss him dearly. He is a wonderful guy. Just went down the wrong path.

SML,

So here's what I have gathered.

1. Your H feels he has been robbed of his single life. Wants to relive it w/o responsibilities.

2. Responsibilities currently are for 2 families and he is already on an OW? Scary....

3. Sounds like he is a conflict avoider.

4. Even though he promises to take care of you, he can't. That's reality. Can you build a future on that?

5. He has been hurt and he feels he needs to share that hurt to the innocent. Get him to admit that.

6. He may not believe in mutliple wives but he does approve (by his actions) of infidelity. Ask him which one of his children is going to do that to his parents and their spouse? Let him pick that child. He w/b forced to see himself. Maybe not now but if that child turns out that way....he will have himself to blame. Perpetual lifestyle. Let him bite on that potential reality.

H & I have spoken with many Cambodian men on this subject. Yet even my H strayed. However even a ws strays, they hate when another does the same.

Most don't want their children to follow in their footsteps but may not do anything to stop it.

7. U need to strengthen your support group. His family may not feel strong enough to combat this issue and stand up to him. He may use his male ego to subject even his mother and sister. He may or may not. Watch how he treats them. See if they cower.

8. Work on getting a safe plan for you and your family. Don't depend on him right now.

take care,
L.

I agree Orchid about getting my support group ready. Actually right now my husbands entire family is on his case about what he is doing. They are putting major pressure on him. Which my husband tells me makes him feel cornered and also makes him feel like doing the opposite of what they want him to do.

They keep telling me to hold on. That he will come around. That he is a good guy and will realize what he is doing. But I tell them he cannot be allowed to hurt me forever. They said they would stand by me if I make him leave. Although my husbands plan is to move back in with his mother in North Carolina. His family use to mean everything to him. Now I feel like his family and me our at the bottom. Right now he enjoying how the Ow makes him feel and does not want to do what is right.

Right now he is like a teenager rebelling. I realize I need to be the strong one for my kids. Because right now I cannot depend on anything he says. I will start looking into a seperation agreement also.

Hey SML,

How R U doing? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

L.

Hey Orchid,
Thanks for asking. I posted a new thread called. What do you think about this? My husbands IC went pretty good. Although last night I noticed he was getting some of his frustrations back. I think it's more of he is mad at himself because he can't seem to get motivated to do the things he would like to do.

Also I sent you a email with my husbands email address. I told him about your husband and he seemed interested in talking with him. There have been some good signs the last day or so. But I am just going to take one day at a time and not get my hopes up just yet. Because I know this roller coaster is just starting. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />