When you peel that sticker off her forehead!

-ol' 2long

Bizarre.....
Progress in the last two weeks has been miraculous. From a snarling, spitting thing, my WW has become a funny, lovable person, an indulgent Mom and an interesting companion. Now I come to deconstruct it, this week has probably been better than most of the weeks in the two years before the affair. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Zero love or affection towards me from WW still, and daily small humiliations owing to her still not having removed the 'tokens of OMs love' like the counterfeit love songs CD he made for her. Sure, she feels bad about it now aparrently, moving it around from shelf to drawer to car, but she's still treating it like an icon of love. Maybe if she throws THAT away she throws HIM away.

Even her attitiude to karate has softned a little, as shes no longer forcing the kids to go when they don't want to, but she is STILL planning overnight karate events despite my making it very clear that this I receive them as very hurtful gestures to me.

We talked yestrday, I said " While it is absolutely not my fault nor does it make it OK that you chose to have an affair, I certainly recognise my contrubution to our M bcoming poor in the last couple of years. I welcome your assistance in helping me identify other ways where I became less than you needed from your spouse."

She replied that our M after the A cannot be fixed overnight.

Hmmm. I yearn for some SOME deliberate tiny gesture of commitment to our M. I fear that WW thinks because she's stopped sex with OM and he has stopped contact that I will be happy to live like this until OM chooses to phone her up in a years time and she leaves. Her every behaviour says that she is willing to concede in order to make her life comfortable and unhostile BUT that she awaits OM to sweep her off her feet. I know fog etc but how can she possibly not now see the obvious lies he told her and what sort of man he really is ? I know she has not had the benefot of teh talks I have had with OM GF, but the Bull he told her is manifest even without her concordance !

I itch to point out these things, but of course such is anti-Plan A and she is not in a place where she would believe anything bad about OM, even if Jesus told her Himself.

In truth I am still Plan A-ing, which is easier now there is not a hostile environment, but its heard on the heart when she is still so obsessed by this wastrel. Radical honesty seems to be paying off, and POJA works on pretty much everything.
Sad thing is I look ahead to maybe YEARS of this loveless effort and my heart sighs. I have so much love to give, and I DESERVE to be loved and I feel I am wasting my essence sometimes. Then I look in her eyes and she smiles, or pulls a silly face in response and I know its worth another mile of effort from me in hope of her loving me again.

Yet I never dreamed a month ago even that we would have come THIS far in only ten weeks. Still so far to go though....

I feel I can encourage some struggling Plan-A'ers :
* Plan A CAN work, but goes quickly and slowly, usually when you're not expecting it. Patience is not just a virtue its a martial discipline for a BS in Plan A.
* even when things look up expect NOTHING from WS until it happens. It just disappoints you.
* Radical Honesty makes life a whole lot easier for a BS. I don't have to remember to lie now. And it has embarrassed WW into oocasional bouts of honesty too <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
* POJA CAN work even when WS is in fog ( thanks K!). Start POJAing tiny things: whos cooking kids dinner, who is walking the dog etc. Propose, seek feedback, summarise positions, once agreed, speak out loud the agreed actions for WW to agree with or refine. Its starting to work for bigger stuff now too.
* Finally if even I can almost eradicate LBs, meet assumed ENs, change myself for the better and everything else needed in this hard but pretty successful Plan A, anyone can. Maybe we'll go to plan B., maybe we won't but a good adherence to plan A has effected a lot of changes in our situation in ten weeks. Choke down the unfairness of it, detach yourself emotionally from it, STUDY, not just read SAA, HN/HN. Avoiding LBs etc, STUDY the stories of the wise heads on here ( Knowledge is yoru friend in this)and you will equip yourself to rescue a rescuable marraiage and at least rescue yourelf fom helplessness and despair.

Bob u failed to add a major thing that PlanA has done for u. Remember that the main purpose of PlanA is to end the affair. By exposing to the OM's gf you actually achieved this! No small feat! OK , it wasnt the ideal way for it to end but it did end, noetheless.

It will take time for your wife's heart to be completely free of the OM. This is really a case of time healing. IN the case of my first (and main) affair, it was nearly 3 years until he was completely out of my system. It was only a month ago that I emailed him and told him what a rat he was. It took this long for teh blinkers to completely fall from my eyes ! (The affair began 3.5 yrs ago and lasted a year...online only but this sort of EA is very damaging as it is based totally on illusion).

My husband is having the same problem with his affair. It is long since fnished but he cannot believe that the guy used him. He has to believe that the guy felt for him the same as he did. he has begged me not to take that away from him. In the meantime he does spend time finding out more about this guy and about other people who he has used. I beleive in time that the penny will drop. I also understand that time is the only true healer here. I dont know how long it will take him to be able to let go but I do know that in the meantim I am here. Just remember Bob, that its very hard for anyone to admit that they were wrong, especially in something like this where so much was emotionally invested. I got over it and I know that both our spouses will. I guess all that we can do is continue to follow the principles of PlanA and pray, both for our spouses and for patience for ourselves to see them through this process.

Big hugs!

Debra xx

Debbra, thanks for that insight. Its really hard feeling that I fail to match up with a such a foul man as OM in the eyes of the woman I love. Still, this is the stuff life's thrown at me for now.

Regarding breaking the affair thru exposure and Plan A I am reticent to say much about that on here in case it is recieved as a guarantee of similar success by any newbies. A lot of folks haven't broken the affair through Plan A and exposure as I have. If/when we are well into recovery some day I will write this up and bounce off old heads so it shines as an example as to what can be achived by an informed Plan A.

Blessings to you Debbra.

<small>[ September 16, 2004, 11:20 AM: Message edited by: Bob Pure ]</small>

Bob...of course u cant match up to the otehr man. The whole point is that affairs are based upon illusion. That is why PlanB is so often successful...when an affair sees the light of day it cant survive!

Your wife does not se the OMs faults. She sees someone who rescued her when her needs were not being met (and remember that she will have exaggerated the extent to which her needs werent being met as justification for her affair). The Om is the romantic knight on a white charger. This isnt about measuring up to the sleeze ball OM but measuring up to her illusions of love. Im wondering if we should even tell our daughters stories where handsome prices and princesses live happily ever after...... Inside, your wife is just a little girl who believed the fantasy. Its going to take her a long while to separate it from reality.

Patience Bob <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Bob:

"She replied that our M after the A cannot be fixed overnight.

Hmmm. I yearn for some SOME deliberate tiny gesture of commitment to our M. "

Cheese and Rice! (-from "Nero Wolfe").

Your description of your W's growth in such a SHORT TIME is nothing less than inspiring!!! She is RIGHT, though. You can't fix your M overnight, and not just because of the A. The A needs 2 keep dying (things like the CDs must go IN TIME) before you can even deconstruct the things that were ailing the M BEFORE the A.

Still Seeking compared my similar (but slower) process of "starting over" with my W, as if we were engaged but not yet M'd. It really is like that in many ways. Or it perhaps SHOULD be. The M was decimated by the A, don't just put a bandaid on it. REBUILD.

You can do it, Bob. I know you can.

-ol' 2long

Bob, I just caught up a bit on what's been happening with you. It really is miraculous what has transpired since you 1st began posting.

I'm not sure, but I think you posted at some point that it was disappointing to you that your W is not necessarily home because of you. Bob, I'm pretty sure after d-day for me in January my H wasn't home because of me. I think it was his children and his reputation. If I was a part of the mix, it was buried pretty deep. He was so in-love with the OW. She was sure he was going to dump me and M her. He tells me now that he never told her that, but she got that message. He also was totally dependent on her at his business. His withdrawal was terrble.

Of course I hated the "B". She was a predator and went after him during an extremely difficult period in our lives, that she was fully aware of. During the 1st several months he could not tolerate me saying anything bad about her. For one thing she was the princess that he had put on a pedestal. But also, because he felt so badly about what he had done, when I slammed her it was like I was slamming him. Finally, for him to admit she was a scheming little "B" was to admit that he almost lost his family and did lose his integrity for someone who just wasn't worth it.

I'm writing this to tell you that now he does see the way she went after him. He told me today that he almost views her as mentally ill. He told me he doesn't want to be with her, and if he saw her he'd walk the other way. My H was about as fogged out as anyone could be, so there is hope that your W will see the OM as he really is.

Hang in there Bob. This journey is a tough ride. You're doing great! CV

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">She replied that our M after the A cannot be fixed overnight.

Hmmm. I yearn for some SOME deliberate tiny gesture of commitment to our M. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Okay, Bob, I'm no psychologist, but....HELLO?!?

You want "SOME deliberate tiny gesture of commitment to our M" and you "blew right by her comment?

Bobbo, it takes an AVERAGE of 2 years to recover a marriage, so do you think she might be stating something with a "grain" of truth in it?

Do you think that her revealing "ownership" and a decision (however tentative or uncertain at this time) in her statement; "our M after the A cannot be fixed overnight" is insignificant? This is a marked mental shift.

The divergence of two paths BEGINS with a very small movement, a choice to step in the direction of one path versus the other. Over time, the two paths become widely divergent and separated, but not at the beginning. At the beginning the change in direction can be hard to see in "one small step."

At this point the next step could "crossover"(the reason we don't use Love Busters but continue in Plan A mode) and head back to the other path, but as each step continues toward the new path, crossing over becomes harder and harder, until it's virually impossible. Looking back, 2 years from now, you will see the point at which the paths began to diverge AND how far the two of you have come. But that is THEN, and this is NOW. One step at a time. One day at a time.

God bless.

Bob:

You are extremely 42nate in that you are perceptive enough 2 be able 2 see (AND comment on!) the TREMENDOUS evolution in thinking that your W is making in such a short time.

You have such a uni2ue OPPOR2NITY here! Keep journaling your experiences, and once in a while go back and read what you wrote - say - just a month be4. I think you'll not only be AMAZED at the progress you've BOTH made in that time, I think you'll RECOGNIZE that it's the growing that you're enjoying so much.

Many times, it seems that few of us get 2 "pace" our recovery in such a way that we can remain aware of where we were, where we are, and where we're headed, all at the same time. When people like you post their experiences here for us 2 participate in and read about, the process can ac2ally be BEAUTIFUL. It's certainly inspiring.

The journey is the reward!

-ol' 2long

* swat ! * OUCH !
* SWAT ! * Ow !
* SwAt ! * OWWWWW !

I feel like a mosquito on the porch at the Green Mesquite in Austin !

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I shoulda guessed. My plan A has worked as flawlessly and quickly as any in history so far, so I shouldn't expect much indulgence from you guys for my whinging and impatience ! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Thanks though folks. Really. {{{{{MB}}}}}

YES my WW's attitude has almost 180'ed in the last 2 weeks, but she still ain't actually DONE jack. Well I guess not stabbin' me thru the temples as I slept is a plus ...Time etc though I know...
Debbra
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The Om is the romantic knight on a white charger</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well, it must be a shetland pony as OM is a short [censored]. Also borrowed as he is a sponging jobless wastrel. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

2long
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
our description of your W's growth in such a SHORT TIME is nothing less than inspiring!!! </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">And in truth she's come further than I say. I'd be really unreservedly proud of her if she hadn't "torn out my heart and stomped the sucker flat" (c) Lewis Grizzard. I could relate all sorts of small personal stuff thats leaps and bounds out of the fog. I only get short periods of deep for each day now.

Like today she said "Our divorce would only have been nasty because YOU would have been unreasonable about it!" as we were wacthing the news about some celeb quickie divorce...LOL !

I have such hope, but I am still not assured of ending up with her. I fear there may be too much broken to properly fix. But we'll see...

CV
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Hang in there Bob. This journey is a tough ride. You're doing great!
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Thanks ! But its WW whos doing greatest. I'm much stronger , more assured and I know what I'm doing. She's just doing what she feels is right through a fog of broken hearts, broken promises, guilt and fear. That takes grit. A pity she never showed any in keeping her knickers up a few weeks ago <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> ( insert swats here )

FH
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
Do you think that her revealing "ownership" and a decision (however tentative or uncertain at this time) in her statement; "our M after the A cannot be fixed overnight" is insignificant? This is a marked mental shift.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes that blew right past me, thanks for pointing it out ! Interesting....

2long
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
I think you'll RECOGNIZE that it's the growing that you're enjoying so much.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Y'know I HAVE quite enjoyed some of the last couple of weeks. But every time I do, a demon taps me on the shoulder and reminds that my WW has been writhing in ecstasy with a foul old man she freely gave her whole self to only a couple of months ago. It gets less and less but that 'tap' still chills my heart.

Thanks all

<small>[ September 16, 2004, 10:21 AM: Message edited by: Bob Pure ]</small>

I've been reading and writing my journal. I think my WW became a FWW today. Only a gesture from me that no-one knows about other than here, but she clearly has no hope or intention to C OM or persue the A. Or do anything, in fact, but try to make the best of what she sees as a sad and loveless M. But WE know it won't be like that for her always, right ? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I could be wrong but I now have a lovely, sad FWW.

Okay, Bob. Time 2 work your "stuff" on her and 2rn that sad, FWW in2 a happy TWW (truly wonderful wife). Or come up with your own intials!

-ol' 2long

Bob

I've been following your progress, and since your FWW is behaving a bit like mine did, I thought I'd throw in my two cents worth.

Stay emotionally unattached to FWW while she exhibits fog induced behavior. If you take any of that crap to heart it makes it difficult to keep a positive mental attitude in the "pre-recovery" plan A.

Stay at the ready to engage emotionally with her when the "fog free" moments begin to emerge, and they will, with increasing frequency.

Keep things light, for the most part, and expect little enthusiasm in return.

Look really HARD for those miniscule remarks that give you "hints" that she is beginning to re-engage with you. Let those moments pass for an "appropriate" time period, then express thanks for the "positive feedback".

"Kill" her with a positive attitude, and positive, pleasant and heartfelt ACTIONS, that express your love for her, but don't issue the "I love you" expression in words. Make her earn that!

Make an attempt to displace her karate addiction with family outings that are fun, fun, fun. This will allow her to re-evaluate her relationship with the kids, and begin to rebuild and restore their trust in her.

If you can get a baby sitter, take her out for simple but fun "dates", without describing it that way. Take your relationship back to the "courting days" and leave out relationship talks. Have fun, and "get to know each other again".

All this time, any of the things you've changed about yourself, that you regard as things you needed to improve about yourself, regardless of the A, keep those positive changes in place.

Be keenly perceptive to things FWW will say. You will receive "clues" to her thoughts, at ANY instant, and you need to recogize and file those away for future use. Sometimes they'll come with disarming innocence, and when you are least expecting them, hence the advice for keen awareness.

Continue with the occasional "royal" treatment, such as your running the bath, and the delivery of her favorite vintage wine, as it will pay dividends for you.

When she asks "why" you are so nice, so thoughful, so loving, just tell her how you committed to her for life, and it is important that she know you are there for her, for better or worse, etc.

All these things will remind her why and how she fell in love with you in the first place. She may perceive her LB$ as empty, overdrawn, or at least at a very low balance. All these things will place deposits in your account there, and EVEN THOUGH SHE DOESN'T RESPOND TO THEM INSTANTLY, OR WITH ANY ENTHUSIASM, THOSE DEPOSITS WILL GROW, AND GAIN INTEREST!

If your FWW is any at all like mine, she will come around ever SO SLOWLY, it is nearly imperceptable unless measured in weeks, certainly not in days! This transition from "ending" the affair, to beginning recovery takes perhaps even more patience than trying to end the affair.

Your efforts will not go unrewarded.

::: raising a glass to your efforts, so far, and for efforts you are making in the future:::

Best wishes
SD

<small>[ September 16, 2004, 04:49 PM: Message edited by: shattered dreams ]</small>

Bob,
I've been peeking in on your progress friend and I must say you are doing a great job! You must be doing a great job because you have not been stabbed with an ice pick as you slept <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> j/p. I see signs of small clearing both here and there, and these things do cause us to take heart and buckle down for another day. Your fortitude and committment to your W though her indiscretion is admirable. You know my story, if you've been reading you also know my recent acceptance of my role in our M based on the bibles teachings. I feel much better these days. Please Bob do not rely on your own instincts, they will railroad you. You are not in a typical, logical situation, that can be deduced with rationality except to someone who understands the true effects of infidelity and the fallout afterwards. I'm proud to know you, even if it is thru cable wires and modems on the Information Superhighway. Please continue to make those changes in yourself that contributed to an environment or a M that was vulnerable to this A to begin with. I have chosen the scripture, please choose whatever means you can that gives you heart to continue. These days I have been focusing on correcting my own issues and redefining myself as a H and father. I see the more I work on me the less time I have to ride the rollercoaster, the rollercoaster of my own emotions, mind you not so much one of my W's design.

Stay the course. I think on the horizon you will realize Plan A not to be a mode but a new way in which you interact with your wife perpetually, at least that's my own personal hope as Plan A relates to me, my M and my family. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

FM

* 2l, yeah, I will. Now that FWW has ceased hostilities and even smiles at me occasionally, it is a labour of love to do things that please her. Thats where loving her every part for 22 years helps me over OM y'see. I REALLY know what she likes, not just what she told him : favourite candy, second fave candy, 3rd, 4th, 5th....10th favourite candy ! Fave wine, fave place, fave TV programs, fave shoes,fave colour, fave sleeping position, fave nightdress... add that to my love for her, I reckon she don't stand a chance, I'll win her heart back 2l <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

* SD, sage words that I recognise from our own life, thanks ! While my FWW has dropped from the fog at an olympic pace in the past two weeks, I am not expecting it to continue unabated, and there are still periods of green gas where I keep stum to avoid foot in mouth syndrome. I am trying to enjoy and exploit FWWs openness when fogless without appearing to pounce on her lucidity. Patience, Bob, Patience <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

* FM, a completely unexpected side effect of this A has been to resurrect my prayer life. It makes me realise just how complacent I had gotten in my faith, and God had sort of slipped from His leadership role in our family. No wonder A's happen when the head of the family allows that to happen...
My MIL is very ill, and will most likely die in weeks, she has relapsed this week. My FWW has ben fprced to consider her responsibility in this and today was magnificent in response. She offered that WE will play a major role in looking after MIL to help out her primary carer as needed. Wonderfully she never consulted me as she said just KNEW my love for MIL and my decency was not in question. What an honour to be PRESUMED to always do the decent thing, even by my FWW ?

Ours is a house where Grace is always said, and FWW participates in this, but I do not know whether she is yet right with God over her infidelity, or about her own prayer life. This really scares me, but I KNOW God will not let this sheep stray unforgiven. I will try to open up my prayer times to her so we can share prayers, using MILs situation as catalyst perhaps. Affairs are such Godless acts no wonder even good people cannot look God in the face afterwards....

Another unbelievable advance over lunch today. FWW was comfortable enough to get ANGRY at me over my exposing to OM GF on the eve of OMs son's funeral.
I soaked it up ( got good at that these months!) and broadened the discussion.

She said some very telling things for example: I said " you know I have always loved you".

She said " good. Sombody has to love me...."

later she said " I know exactly where I stand with OM " She wouldn;t tell me though " not now".

She also said that she doubts she would ever have left me for OM even if she'd had the chance ( a HUGE change of atittude!)

Her heart is 180'ing daily now. I must back off further and let her work itout while I plan A.

Incidentally she was delighted when I suggested that I take her to NYC for a long weekend for our Anniversary next weekend. GENUINELY THRILLED.

Warmed my heart. I will book it now.

Enormous progress, I will just concentrate on Plan A. She don't need any pushing right now, she be freewheelin' already.

Congratulations Bob.

Things sound like they are starting to turn in your favor.

It sounds like you and i are on the same path. My WW started just last week saying things that i had been hoping to hear for a long time. She started refering to the affair as making her sick to think about. She said she regrets it. She referred to OM as being "crazy" and "psychotic" and talked of how stupid she was for falling into his slick talk.

Hopefully you will start to experience the same type thing and God willing neither of us will experience any setbacks. I can't wait to get my wife back.

* KCM, I am glad MB is working for you too. Not only is it great for us personally but it is heartening for newbies in the depths of despair to read that plan A / MB works.

* All, FWW is being very pleasant, yet "haughty" and unrepentant over the A. It is still so very early in withdrawal and recovery though I must back off and "plan A" my buns off for longer yet. She is avoiding giving me any affection at all, yet our 2 unplanned SF recently have been very passionate. ( and I thought I would be disgusted post-a Bizarre, I just don't understand that)

All confusing, and Very "Withdrawal behaviour" I guess.

Wonderfully, FWW has restored the wonderful investing Mother that has been missing sporadically for a while.The kids are loving her again. She is playing with them again. My heart glows again ( Its been hard being mom and dad these months...).

The withdrawal "crash" I was expecting either hasn't happened or hasn't happened YET. I suspect number 2 so I am trying to maintain a calm, welcoming home and life for us all.

FWW is opening up to me slightly every day, and though much of it hurts me, I need to hear it. She is making some very telling statements, that I am trying not to read too much into at this strange time.

I guess we are moving into early recovery, as the A is now dead and NC is effectively established mostly through OM going completely dark.

I am caught unaware a little really, I have still not yet properly read and studied HN/HN - I have been focussed on killing the A through plan A and exposure and managing the emotional fallout thereof. I will continue to plan A to help FWW divest our lives of the tokens and thoughts of the affair. She is not yet in a place where she can let go if it or him completely.

I am so very blessed compared to many or most of the folks on here - despite being an absolute soap opera, events in my sitch have moved along at speed and MOST positively for the recovery of our marriage. 3 months ago I never dreamed we'd be in early recovery already, and with myself not only NOT suicidal but stronger and more self aware than I have been in many years.

We have far to go, and we may yet not complete this race, but its looking positive right now.

I must suppress my 'taker' who is excitedly pacing in his cage - it will be a while yet before FWW's 'giver' is able to start meeting my ENs.

Patience Bob , and let God work his stuff.

And YOU wonderful lot? What am I to say about MB'ers ?

Myself and many many others owe what hope there IS for their marriages to Gods use of you all in our situations. You have made me laugh, cry, get angry, examine myself and knuckle down to RE-study MB principles when I was confused.

And through that and prayer I have emerged a better man. Almost the man I THOUGHT I was before the affair.

That you can help others through the veil of your own tears sometimes is of huge credit to you.

And I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

* going to our holiday home for a couple of days now. I've go stuff to build the kids a soapbox buggy to race down the hills in Wales - heh heh.

Came home from our holiday home tonight to find that MIL has suffered a TIA ( mini stroke). Its is likely to be the first of many debilitating attacks. It is not likely she will live long.She is a devout Catholic woman and has no fear of death, and assurance of her salvation in her heart.

FWW trying to be strong. Said " just when you thought life couldn't get any worse".

I hugged her, first time in weeks, and she cried like a baby. Its hard that I am sure I am not the one she wants to hold her hand through this life event, but I'm all she has.

I am sad too, MIL has been like my second mother for 22 years and adores me, and I her. SO glad now that I never exposed to her. Her last memory of her beloved FWW would be disappointment. I made a good decision there.

What a f'kin' mess. * sigh *

I plan a'ed all weekend, and will continue plus being as supportive as I can of FWW and the family at this awful time.

No relationship discussion until FWW starts it. More important things to deal with right now.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I hugged her, first time in weeks, and she cried like a baby. Its hard that I am sure I am not the one she wants to hold her hand through this life event, but I'm all she has.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Bob, let me assure you that you couldn't be further from the truth with this assumption.

You are precisely who she wants to hold her hand and hug her right now. I know. My wife's mother was killed in an auto accident a week or so before our "big" d-day and before we began recovery. Let me caution about something that might be running through your wife's mind, because it did with my wife. She might start thinking that God is "taking her mother from her" as a penalty for her affair. If this should come up, DON'T let her go down that path. God doesn't work that way. Your concern and tenderness, and patience and "just being there" during this time will speak more volumes about love than all the words you can muster.

So know that God can use even these sorts of events to work for good in your life and in the life of your wife.

God bless.