Yes, Foreverhers is right. When I lost my parents nothing mattered any more to me except my family. Strangers (and OM is a stranger) meant nothing.

Heaven forbid her mother not recover, but if she doesn't your wife will never be the same. I wanted to die when my mom died, it is something you never fully recover from, especially if she is a loving mother.

Please do let all affair talk go now. Your wife is back with her family and that is all that matters. Your wife needs you more than you can ever know, and it is only your arms that matter now.

Bob

On Feb 26 this year, my WW learned OM had a new girlfriend. I learned of this inadvertantly, and told her so, not out of spite, but because of the Policy of Radical Honesty and Openess. I lent no emotion whatsoever to the delivery of the message to my WW.

Our first D-Day was Labor Day weekend, 2003, and I knew that contact had continued all that time, so the affair was NOT over and recovery had not began. She was still as distant and "untouchable" as she had been since before the A started.

On that day, when I told her of the OM's new GF, I could tell she was stunned and shocked. She had held it in her foggy brain that he was her Knight in Shining, and would wait for her Forever.

She told me it couldn't be so! I picked up the phone and said, ok, you don't believe me, call him! Now I know this isn't MB philosophy, but I was tiring of Plan A, and no progress was being made, and frankly, I was running out of love for her, and the energy to try to get her back.

I told her she had ten minutes to talk with him, and when I came back, she better have made her mind up as to who she wanted to be with, him or me. I left and took off driving around, not intending to come back in 10 minutes at all. I wasn't going back until SHE CALLED ME.

After 30 minutes she did call and asked me to come home. When I got there, I asked her about the call. She confirmed he had a new GF, and basically didn't tell her anything about missing her, or loving her or anything, which left her feeling pretty used. Before the description of the phone call was complete, she completely fell to pieces.

Her fantasy world shattered before my eyes. I held her and consoled her the rest of the evening. She'd get up and fuss with dishes or something then just be eaten alive by grief and begin crying again. She came to my arms for comfort and I was always there for her. Not only did the evening go that way, I stayed home from work the following day, and the grief/crying was repeated over and over in that day and a half.

She'd ask me why I was "there for her" and I would speak of my love for her and our marriage vows. She'd ask me HOW could I ever endure her crying and grief, when I KNEW it was for the OM. I simply told her I loved her and it was my intent to always be there for her.

I never once have brought this up to her. She has mentioned it a few times, and still to this day cannot believe I could have done what I did, comfort her in her grief for the OM.

That is when recovery began. The fog faded quickly, and her feelings for me have been ever on the increase. We are not "there" yet, but every day is "baby steps" closer.

Your comfort for her NOW is perhaps one of the most important and critical things you can ever have the chance to do!!! Be there for her at every turn. This will show her by your ACTIONS that your love for her is strong and PURE, pun intended!

Stay stong, Bob, you are making progress every day. Your path is clear, and your efforts are being rewarded, even if in mysterious and complex ways.

SD

<small>[ September 19, 2004, 07:31 PM: Message edited by: shattered dreams ]</small>

Bob,

How sorry to hear about your MIL.

I just came back from LA being with my MIL, wasting away from her cancer. Helping my W turn her on her side to prevent bed sores

Hugging my W, giving her support, sharing our grief. She too is a wonderful MIL, very loving and laughing and giving to all who know her.

W said I was the best guy in the world and she loved me more than anything. I inwardly smiled and rolled my eyes. 3 months ago she was sending emails to the OM telling him "I love you".

What a strange brew, eh? "It's a hero's gig." I like that.

Take care, stay strong and love and support your karate queen.

k

* FH, Weaver I hope you are right. i said to my baby in bed last night " I can onloy imagine the mess in your head and heart, baby. All I can do is love you and be here for you". I kissed her cheek. She sobbed herself quietly to sleep.

SD, I'm not sure what OM said to FWW, only the transcriptions though OM GF. SHE said OM told my FWW that the death of his son woke him up to whats important in his life, and FWW isn't.

I suspect a load of 'I loved you and part of my heart will always be yours" horsesheet too, having read his last 'so long for ever, unless you fancy a boink' letter butcan't ptove it.

I know that FWW feels she has no hope of reconciliation with him now ever BUT she don't love me , yet if ever.

Hard time for her, hard time for me too. Thanks for your exanple though, SD, its hopeful.

* Krusht, its a bad gig, friend. MIL has cancer too, which has been eating her up. Doc wondered if this attack might not be cancer mets spreading to her brain, but one pupil was blown, so its a TIA. She's just breaking down after so many years alive, and so many months keeping this cancer at bay IMO. She won't be here long now.It amazes me that FWW chose to persue an A knowing her mum had a fatal disease. Unbelievable to abandon all that is holy and right at such an existential time.

I am sad over MIL, Sad for my FWW, sad for my kids about to lose their other nanny, and sad for myself, still loveless at this crucial time.

I must be as 'plan A' as possible and also teh SIL my MIL has loved these many years.

Life can sure get sh1tty, can;t it ?

{{{{k}}}}