Really, Kimmy, can I can I can I?

It would be so fun to say to her on the phone later, "I hope I don't have to remind you not to bring eff-face anywhere around the house."

It isn't very plan A for me to call OM names like that. Not really "high road" language. Dernit.

Juke, you did give it to her didn't you? Was that the night you were beating on the car windows? Fuuuuuun.

GC

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Not really "high road" language. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yeah. Right now, tho, the high road blows humongous chunks. Or sucks like a Hoover. You choose. I'm in a b*tchy mood and want to beat the ones hurting us.

Sorry.

Well, I just called her back to suggest a time when she could come over. She couldn't do the time I suggested. So I kept trying to adjust it, and she kept complaining. Then I asked her what she plans to get, and she started talking about the china etc. I said no to that, and she said what am I supposed to take, just my clothes? I said, you're the one wants to decide all that with lawyers, so I guess that's how it's going to be done. If you could have a conversation about it, that would be different. She said, aren't we having a conversation now? I said I'd rather do it in person. She asked why, and I stumbled a bit, then said, I don't have to explain this to you. There's a whole lot you haven't explained to me, like why you think it's okay to cheat on me and divorce me, but you haven't explained. So here's something you're going to have to accept without me having to explain why.

Then I wound up telling her I haven't had a chance to tell her anything about how her actions have made me feel. She asked how, and I started saying how. I was so angry. I let her have it.

I don't care if I LBed a little. I said, "I don't think you're even capable of understanding what the last four months have been like for me. Someday, maybe you will be."

Then I called her back, said, "I'm sorry to do this, but I thought it would be best for me to remind you not to bring OM anywhere near our house." She replied, "I'm not bringing [OM]." She really spat his name out.

I think she's mad because after things had quieted down for a while, I just went and stirred the pot, reminded her how evil she is. Tough. Suck it up, sister.

GC

GC- Yeah, that was the time I beat on her car windows in public like a maniac. I have to say it was theraputic, but only temporarily. That was when she was being cruel to me and I just couldn't hold it in anymore!

GC - Now that you've said your peace with her (sort of, I'm sure you've got more) be at peace when she comes by. Be helpful. I wouldn't play games with her.

If she spits fire, don't engage her. Let her spit..... Remove her ammo....

And good luck....

As far as names for the OM(s)
Here's how it broke down for me:
OM1-Usher or Class Act (he was an usher at my W)
OM2-Slapd@$k
OM3-Captain Fantastic

I don't believe I've ever used CF in discussion with WW. Actually, we've never really talked much about OM3. She was pretty shut down by that time.....

Ethan

GC - I think it was good that you got that out and gave her something to think about. We don't want the WS to start to think that we accept their behavior just because we are nice to them. It's good to remind them of the horrible things they have done sometimes. A couple months ago I told my WH all he was, was an Adulterer who walked out in his pregnant wife. I wonder how many times those words roll around inside his head late at night when he thinks about what he is doing/has done?!?!

FM- that Captian Fantastic is a good one! Love it. LMAO!

GC - I like pansya**, as that is what he is.

I, like Kloe am glad you let her have it for once, but now do as Ethan says and zip it.

(I'm always afraid that once I let the angry words out they won't stop, but I do write a lot of angry letters calling him every name in the book. But then I write a bunch of letters telling him how sorry I am. Don't send any of them though. It's the total confusion of my own feelings thats killing me. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> )

I feel wonderful for having layed some of that on her. When I play it back in my mind, I didn't really say anything that was cruel or nasty. It was definitely an AO. My first LB in months, but one that needed to happen.

So on to tomorrow. I'm getting a haircut right before she comes. I'm going to look gooooood. I'm cleaning the house tonight (it's already in good shape, so no biggie there) and washing my car. I'm going to make cookies in the morning so the house will smell wonderful and comforting. There will be cookies and a fresh pot of coffee when she gets here.

The house isn't beautiful, exactly. I haven't worked on any restoration projects in months. But it will be clean and comforting. She is going to be bummed. Since it's 9/11 tomorrow, I'm going to give her as a gift Art Spiegelman's new book on the subject. Not exactly positive and uplifting, but a very cool, artistic way to acknowledge the day and give her something at the same time.

Did I mention - OM is gone North for the weekend, but the sparrow is going to be staying around for her grandmother's birthday party. Trouble in paradise? Possibly. I liked how she spat his name out.

So, does anybody have any more suggestions for getting the old place ready for her little visit?

GC

"Who are you, calling my b***h a Ho?" -standup comic, don't remember his name.

Gc:

I think you did good, but you do want 2 be careful, even now. Heck, particularly now.

I always wonder how these things really are going. I mean REALLY - what's going on inside both the BS's and the WS's craniums during all this? We think we know you, but none of us knows what your W is thinking/doing, REALLY, except that she's in a fog.

So the 2uestion is: Do we treat people in fogs with respect, empathy, compassion, stuff like that, or do we blow off steam and 2 heck with the fallout?

You are a respectful, compassionate, empathic dude, I can tell. You asked if your outbursts (which probably weren't even "burst out", were they? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> were LBs. I really don't think so. I don't think so because I think that, from the way you described the exchange, she may have been just hearing some of this stuff for the first time. Stuff she maybe needs 2 hear, in order 2 someday SEE.

Telling the TRUTH is NOT a LB. Never was. Never will be. Similarly, being HONEST (telling her how you FEEL) is never a LB. Also similarly, stating your BOUNDARIES, particularly perfectly reasonable ones like "I don't want OM around here", is not LBing.

Even with all that, though, there is grayness (not just in the clouds, either). One can certainly deliver a non-LB in a LBing way.

About plan A/B. As a long-term opponent of Plan B in my own sitch, I feel 2ualified 2 comment on its applicability in your sitch <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> .

I think you should plan A her right up through loading the last gizmoid in2 her car, then hand her your best possible plan B letter and go completely dark, until or if the time comes when she cries "uncle" and wants instructions on how 2 come home.

Plan B is PERFECT for your particular kind of sitch. It HURTS you that she says the things she does (or doesn't say the things she doesn't <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> ) when you talk 2 her. So, you really either need 2 "take it" lovingly, knowing it'll keep coming for a time, or stop putting up with it and letting it get 2 you.

All easier said than done. And as you know, I haven't done plan B and don't believe I ever want 2. But I KNOW for a FACT, now, that my not going there when I possibly "should have" at various times in the past 32 months has 2uite probably prolonged the "agony" I've been subjected 2, such as it is. And I say "such as it is" because sometimes it's kept me in tears (even on the phone 2 people like Spacecase and Pepperband), particularly the first year, but most of the time it hasn't been intolerable. These days, it's more an annoying ache than a real pain. But I have seen enough signs of progress (maybe mostly my own, ac2ally) 2 make me steel my resolve 2 hang in there and keep plan Aing. I honestly don't know any other way 2 behave, and wouldn't like myself very much if I did anything else (except fully recover, of course!).

But in cases like yours, or Juke's, or furni2reman's, or canthishelp's, it's a lot harder 2 deal with the reminders and the hurt that comes during plan A, particularly a remote one. It can be done, and I'll leave it up 2 you 2 decide whether it'd be right for you 2 do it that way, but it is HARD. Gadz, when I think about how "mild" my sitch is compared 2 what it seems like most "typical As" put the BS through, I get woozy.

Your call, always.

-ol' 2long

Car4love thinks I should put flowers by my bed, and pick unusual things.

I have way more work to do than I thought! Sheesh. Hope I can get some sleep tonight.

I don't know about plan B, 2long. I'll have to do it soon if I'm going to do it. It's just the redundancy that bothers me. She told me today that she has tried to make this easy for me. I guess she means by staying away. But it's just left everything unresolved. Maybe you're right... oh boy, something new to think about.

GC

Well GC it looks like we will both be having pretty dramatic weekends. Best wishes to you, I'll be thinking about you and hope all goes well. We of course expect a full report that minute Sparrow is out the door!