</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by MelodyLane:
<strong>I would also point out that you seem to place great merit on your husbands WORDS. You cannot go by the words of an untrustworthy person, confused. You must go by their ACTIONS.

If he is really committed to the recovery of your marriage and the end of this affair, then he should be willing to TAKE ACTION to make that happen. Talk is cheap. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I know it may sound like that I place lots of merit on his words, however, his actions within the last 3 months especially have been consistent. Very loving, kind, and caring of me and our children.

I know how he acted prior to and during the A, and he is the opposite now. During the first couple months after Dday, he was functioning in the typical WS ways and saying all manner of hurtful things and undecided about what he wanted, but then after a while he changed. we both have worked hard at meeting the others needs since Dday- well I started and then he just followed suit after awhile.

We were lying in bed talking not long ago and wondered aloud why it was so hard for us all those years prior to the A. It feels so smooth and natural between us now in comparison.

He was never very affectionate and loving - now very much so. He accounts for his time. Calls me before he leaves the office everyday. Spends lots and lots of time with me and kids. Never goes anywhere without my agreement- and always with someone I know or can check with, I have access to cell phone/cell records/cell email, voicemail at work, all email accounts (except work), so other than her attempts at contact - like the note I quoted before, everything is wonderful.

Hi Confused,

Your husband sounds a lot like my husband. After d-day, very loving, attentive, wanting the marriage to work.

Still trading notes with OW at work.

In our case, he really did want the marriage to work and he really had put an end to the physical relationship with her, but he felt badly for her because her marriage wasn't in recovery.

He drove me crazy for months because I'd find evidence of contact and he's admit it, yes. I'd say, "why didn't you tell me?" He'd say, "because I didn't want you to be concerned."

Can you spell F-O-G?

After some time, he finally got it that feeling bad for her and keeping things from me (to save my feelings) just wasn't going to cut it. Oh, and he lost his job there (yeah!) and our marriage really started to heal.

So I can truly sympathize with you.

All that having been said, this sex note really has me bothered. She is obviously trying to make him envision a past encounter. Why would he keep the note?

When he gets to the point that he can call you right away and tell you there's been contact; when he brings a sick note home to show you and to burn together; then you're getting someplace.

I guess I am trying to say that his efforts seem genuine, but he is still playing with fire. Get that no contact note written. Tell him again about how you would have hoped he would have come to you with her sick little note (you're tough and can take it!) and that you could have dealt with it together. Explain (again) how this has set you back.

Here's praying he gets it soon.

~ Snow

Well, thought I'd update my situation. What a mess. Seems it was a FALSE recovery....

Things were going well, then I found that note at the end of Oct. he swore there wasn't any contact that was initiated by him, that he wanted me blah, blah, blah. Still loving and accounting for his time. THEN, on the Thanksgiving Holiday everything turned to crap.

He came home from work on the 24th of Nov. and was antsy and unhappy. Short-tempered and disagreeable, starting arguments and acting like a caged lion. Saturday he started to come up with reasons to leave the house for short intervals and then Sun. started a huge argument and left, didn't get home til 2am, said he went to work.

Monday - home from work 2hrs later than normal
Tuesday - had to take "Clients" to dinner said home by 9, got in at midnight

at this point I knew he was seeing her again, nothing else fit.

This behavior continued with him everynight either home late or finding things he had to be out doing, like 3hr trips to walmart and hanging out with the guys.

well, last week he forwarded an email from work about a get together for someone who was leaving the company. Her name was not on the "invited" list, and he said he'd probably go.

I know the wife of one of the guys he works with and they know the situation, although husband doesn't know that they know.

Anyway, they told me Sat morning that OW was there, sitting with my husband and a couple others, drinking all night til this guy left. He said as he was leaving OW, WS, and the group they were sitting with were leaving to go to a different place....

I asked him if there had been contact with OW? he says "No", I asked if she had been there, again "No", I moved into plan B

I told him to leave Sat immediately after he denied he'd been with her Fri night.

Said no money for an apartment or even motel I said too bad so sad, go live with OW

Says he's sleeping in truck, too bad

Told him if he ended contact forever, committed 100%, radical honesty, and no lies and secrets - he can come home

me- can you cut her out of our lives?
him - I don't know

Me- are you in love with her
him - I don't think so

Me - so why can't you stop all this and completely end realationship with her
him - I don't know

Me- you can only come back if you do these things, have you made a decision
him - no
me - by not making a decision, you are making a decision

I called his boss and exposed
I sent emails to five of his guy friends at work and exposed affair (I suspect at least one knew)

haven't heard from his since exposure

I guess I should have just started a new thread, I will do that. thanks

1confusedBS-

I'm so sorry to hear about your situation. You must be hurting. Before I forget, the counselor who basically told you to deal with your H having an OW on the side is a nut! Please report him/her to his/her supervisor as well as the proper authority.

Any woman who willingly sleeps with another's H is a horrible human being. Sorry- it's so troubling to me. I agree with what one perosn said about not believing your H.

One thought if you're not sure about whether to take him back, what about the effect on the kids? Every kid, no matter how old, is affected somehow by divorce. But they learn to deal. Wouldn't it be worse to watch their dad cheat and lie and get away with it?

Just a thought. All the best.

TI