</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by 2long:
<strong> FM:

Gee willikers!

"I have just been disharged."

No, you discharged HER. Or you 2uit.

Rightfully? How the hell should I know?

Think about this, though. *IF* she really did end her R with OM soon after D-day, maybe it IS just 2 hard for her 2 contact him again for ANY reason. Remember, NC is an agreement between YOU and HER, not the OM's business at all. If you get there without ever sending the OM a letter, then you get there.

If it's long after the contact really ended, and I have no idea whether that's the case or not, then it would have been silly 2 contact him 2 tell him NC at this point in time.

She regains your trust in her through consistent actions, not coersion. Considering the na2re of the A and how she was used, it's certainly understandable that she feels withdrawn, cheap, and unworthy. YOU will need 2 earn HER trust in YOU at the same time she needs 2 earn yours.

-ol' 2long </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">2L,
I've just been at this whole thing TOO LONG! hahahah Seriously for about 2 years so its understandable that I ran out of gas. I made myself totally clear that I would be willing to stand by here for another 6 years, however long it took, but I needed confirmation that she isn't still in contact with OM so that I COULD be there for her. I can put up with NO SF, NO COMPANIONSHIP, with none of my most necessary EN's being met but I cannot put up with not knowing if she's still seeing or talking to him. Please know this friends, things would be going well for a week or so, FINE, fantastic, Talks of the future, exciting plans were being made, and then BANG out of the blue she'd be a totally differnt person. It wasn't because I had done something, hey I was too busy being happy having my W back, it was changes in her. These total shifts in her occured several times until finally I had to admit it seemed perculair. It must be something causing these changes, what can make you GUNGHO about your M one week and then the next week you become despondent, withdrawn and it was becoming a painful cycle. If I could have found out once and for all that would have helped with my handling of the whole issue.

I also must remind you folks that I KNEW of OM before we reconciled. My W only failed to mention her and OM were engaged at one point, she also failed to mention that when she broke up with him that she never mentioned that she was reconciling with me. I think for our particular situation that since she had been in a R with OM for years, infact an intense R that I should have been present at their break-up. Silly me! After me and my wife reconciled a year and a half later I find out she has kept contact with OM and sees him often?!?!?! I talked to OM and he stated he had NO idea that me and the Mr's were cohabitating, back together or still married?!?!? So for my own situation I will say YES I should have gotten a No Contact Letter, I should be present for something to lay my fears to rest, and if she hadn't had all these severe temperment changes, the detachment, the moving into our D's room, if it weren't for all those signs MAYBE I could have sucked it up longer...*sigh

I feel I did the only thing I could do to maintain my dignity. If she felt my request was too selfish for me to know for myself if there's no contact after all of the drama I've been through while she attempted to keep both me and OM all these years.....well I am sorry My W cannot have us both. My W must choose her home, her H or her friend or choose to be alone, but I cannot with good conscience and self-respect sit by and feel used or abused anymore. I claim ME even if she will not. I apologize for sounding overly dramatic, but I'm her H not some mindless droid and she needs to remember that.

[I feel I did the only thing I could do to maintain my dignity. If she felt my request was too selfish for me to know for myself if there's no contact after all of the drama I've been through while she attempted to keep both me and OM all these years.....well I am sorry My W cannot have us both. My W must choose her home, her H or her friend or choose to be alone, but I cannot with good conscience and self-respect sit by and feel used or abused anymore. I claim ME even if she will not. I apologize for sounding overly dramatic, but I'm her H not some mindless droid and she needs to remember that. [/QB][/QUOTE]


Well, I for one am happy for you that you can see through all of this pain and do what IS RIGHT FOR YOU. I can't imagine going through everything that you have. You don't owe anyone any explanation. You have more than "suffered" man. May you find the peace that you need in your life to move on and gain your dignty and self respect back. Prayers for you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by FamilyMatters:
I also dont think you meant that for me...
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That's correct.

Just breathe.

Pep

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by lemonman:
<strong> [I feel I did the only thing I could do to maintain my dignity. If she felt my request was too selfish for me to know for myself if there's no contact after all of the drama I've been through while she attempted to keep both me and OM all these years.....well I am sorry My W cannot have us both. My W must choose her home, her H or her friend or choose to be alone, but I cannot with good conscience and self-respect sit by and feel used or abused anymore. I claim ME even if she will not. I apologize for sounding overly dramatic, but I'm her H not some mindless droid and she needs to remember that. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well, I for one am happy for you that you can see through all of this pain and do what IS RIGHT FOR YOU. I can't imagine going through everything that you have. You don't owe anyone any explanation. You have more than "suffered" man. May you find the peace that you need in your life to move on and gain your dignty and self respect back. Prayers for you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> [/QB][/QUOTE]


Thank you L-MAN! I know in my heart that I did my best given my situation. I also know there are reasons my W didn't make that call to OM. It's possible she might not be in contact with OM, but I can say this with full understanding of A's having been a participant in an earlier life:

She was protecting her position with OM, she was keeping that window open with OM, she did not want to cross that line with OM...its very obvious. I'm not saying my M is over, but it's now up to HER and what she will do, because I am choosing ME. The locks will be changed tomorrow. I will claim my life and before she can return she must show proof that she has claimed our M from the ashes, not just in her mere presence here but by clearly defining she's done with OM once and for all. I believe this horrible reality tough love pill that my W is being forced to swallow is actually going to be the balm which soothes her wounded soul. I love her very much and I hope this tough love I'm showing will FINALLY allow things to play out as they should. It's show time, the rehearsals are over, time to put up or shut up, dontcha think? We'll see what OM is made of, or what my M is made of once and for all. It's time I took some power back. She left on her own and now I'm securely in Plan B, embracing it and gearing up to raising my son alone just as before....gosh I miss my D very much.

Thanks for bothering to read or respond to my drama, your support is whole-heartedly appreciated.

<small>[ November 11, 2004, 09:18 PM: Message edited by: FamilyMatters ]</small>

Today is very rainy, I feel a stinging numbness if there is such a thing. I don't think I could put off the inevitable, my W must make a choice. She has made her choice. I need to make choices as well. I still remember her face as she left....

Me: Just call him and tell him...

Her: I can't

Me: If you couldnt then we should have never been back together..

She's rummaging through clothes to take.

Me: So you're actually going to give it all up for him again huh?

Her: You told me to choose and I have, just let me go. Let me grab some stuff and let me go.

Me: All you have to do is call him, I deserve for you to end this one way or another...

Her: I said I cant....


Yes, get a no contact letter, have all the cards on the table, know where you stand and more importantly know where they stand, if not whenever OP contacts them and entices them they will begin down that road, its an endless WITHDRAWAL, PURE TORTURE for both BS and WS...

Even if I lose my W this is far better than having her leave from me every other week, suck me in then spit me out at OM's leisure...

The scary thing is if she did recommitt how would I know its not just desperation or the truth? She has painted me in a corner and now I must fight for my respect and sanity.

Comments, suggestions, insight, warnings, anything you good people have to spare would be good right now.

Happy Friday!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

I am not one to give advice, because I did not do the whole plan A thing. I will tell you that I told my WW to write the letter and do it now if she wanted to stay with me. It is essential. My feelings were if you want to be in a relationship with someone else the get. If you want to save our 20 year marriage and be a mother to your daughter then never speak to him and write the letter and let me read it first. In my mind that was the only acceptable solution. Otherwise we both move on. She did it and we are well into recorvery almost 7 months. Ya know it is up to you what you can emotionally tolerate. I can not tolerate a wife that will have a relationship with another man, may be you can forgive a second time. I will not she will be gone. The first time was devistating.

Tellmewhy

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Tellmewhy:
<strong> I am not one to give advice, because I did not do the whole plan A thing. I will tell you that I told my WW to write the letter and do it now if she wanted to stay with me. It is essential. My feelings were if you want to be in a relationship with someone else the get. If you want to save our 20 year marriage and be a mother to your daughter then never speak to him and write the letter and let me read it first. In my mind that was the only acceptable solution. Otherwise we both move on. She did it and we are well into recorvery almost 7 months. Ya know it is up to you what you can emotionally tolerate. I can not tolerate a wife that will have a relationship with another man, may be you can forgive a second time. I will not she will be gone. The first time was devistating.

Tellmewhy </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Thanks TMW,
That's exactly what how I was thinking. How in the world could I subject myself to this again. She shouldn't have come back until she could write that letter and truly make that committment. No excuses, no explanations all she did was hurt me, make it all but impossible for me to trust her and shake up our childrens lives terribly. No wonder she is depressed, and I'm going to STOP focusing on this depression stuff, I am not a therapist and as far as I know she may be just fine. Depression does not make you lie, cheat, decieve or give up your convictions, morals and standards. I need to decide what I want to do, not how I will react to her choice, but what are my choices?

(((((((((FM)))))))))))))) Well I guess all the signs where there , and you wanted the turmiol to end ...

You know you did the best thing for YOU and thats what counts ...

JMVHO ,,, that n/c letter was important to you becasue of her actions that where following not having it ...

You know I do not have a n/c letter in place and I tell ya I feel your pain and understand it , how the simple thing like a letter would close that door for you ..

JMO she will be back ,, and when she does please do not open that door to her unless what YOU NEED is MET !

weather its a call and letter , ic, mc , coming hime from work , calling with here where abouts ect...

What ever YOU say it is to protect you ,,,

thinking of you and praying for your strength .

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by 3isacrowd:
<strong> (((((((((FM)))))))))))))) Well I guess all the signs where there , and you wanted the turmiol to end ...

You know you did the best thing for YOU and thats what counts ...

JMVHO ,,, that n/c letter was important to you becasue of her actions that where following not having it ...

You know I do not have a n/c letter in place and I tell ya I feel your pain and understand it , how the simple thing like a letter would close that door for you ..

JMO she will be back ,, and when she does please do not open that door to her unless what YOU NEED is MET !

weather its a call and letter , ic, mc , coming hime from work , calling with here where abouts ect...

What ever YOU say it is to protect you ,,,

thinking of you and praying for your strength . </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Thank you 3isa, you are a great friend to have!!

I can tell you this, I have learned so much!!
I was right all along, you must follow your gut!
When she told me SHE COULDNT CALL HIM...that meant that she was NOT THRU WITH HIM...

I do not see her as any derogatory word or statement, infact I sympathize with her HEAD trying to tell her HEART what to do...if she would have only STUCK TO THE NO CONTACT she would have eventually came out of this desperate place..

Unfortunately there is no time to look backwards any longer. I intend on moving forward with my life as if my M is over. I want to put as much distance inbetween her and I as possible. I need to heal, to smile, to go back to being independent, to lead the rest of my family..

This is her loss, this is my loss, this is my childrens loss...

She will either lose me, lose OM or lose her sanity, if she's fortunate she will only lose one of these, if she's not careful she may lose 2 of these or worse all 3, perhaps losing 2 of these would be best, I hope she can maintain one and lose one from this list, really don't know anymore.

I believe GOD has a way of getting our attention and putting us on the right road. GOD knows how to whip us into shape, and the switch GOD carries is a million times more effective than any man ro womans fury. It made no sense to give up her security, a comfortable living arrangement, me providing for her financailly, 24 hour access to our children all for what? A irresponsible OM who isn't even man enough after 5 years to confront me and take her hand and say...
"I LOVE HER, WE ARE A COUPLE!"
OM has no real intention of INVESTING anything other than time.

Of course it makes no sense to walk away from her H and family for such a man, but since when do matters of the heart make any sense...I empathize with her dilemna but I will not be a victim to her indecision or chaos, W of no W, 18 years or NO 18 years, for GOD's sake I remember her at 15 and me at 16...my first real kiss, my first real everything and it has come to this?

Well, she just COULDN't call him and end this mess once and for all, and I just CAN'T live like this anymore, so where does that leave our M? OVER unless she releases this infection from our M, she needs the shot, the antidote not me and I will not sit by anymore and be infected with anger, pain or insecurity as a result to this bug she carries that she will not treat. I'm a good man 3isa and I have done all I can do, LOVE MUST BE TOUGH RIGHT? MEN MUST BE HEROES, right Pep? I love my S, I love my D and right now I'd let my M die if I could have my D back home safe. My focus should have been on my D all this time and NOT my WW, Lord forgive me!

<small>[ November 12, 2004, 10:50 AM: Message edited by: FamilyMatters ]</small>