I just want someone to grab me by the shoulders and shake me. Look me in the eyes, and tell me how to do this. For the life of me, I just don't know how to shake free of this addiction. That's what I think it is. A habit. The only thing I can equate it to is smoking, or drugs I guess. I don't do either. The OM is still in my life, and the whole thing is dragging me down. My girlfriend smokes cigs, and I tell her I think it's the same addiction. The same concept. I want to stop, but I'm so weak when we speak, or see eachother. I truly love my husband...I've changed my e-mail, but not my cell #- yet. I think I'm scared to be free of this habit. I don't remember what life is like without the addiction. Do any WS know what I mean? This is just a terrible place to be in. I don't know why I ever shook OM's hand at work in the first place. Thankyou for ANY advice....something to slap me up side the head.-gently!

SLAP - SHAKE-SHAKE - SLAP!!!!!

Did it work?? NO didn't think so. You know it is exactly like an addiction. I have never smoked either, but everybody knows smoking is bad for them, it causes cancer for crying out loud, yet people still do it.

OM = cancer

Chose it, be free of him, because you chose to be. Fight the gotta talk to him/see him craving, stay away, put up obstacles for yourself.

When I first came on MB, I had been posting, for a while, and then OM posted to me, I instantly new it was him, I called his W.

For two reasons, so she would know and stop him, and so I couldn't chat with him on MB. I booby trapped myself. I knew I wasn't strong enough at that point to stay away if I was tempted.

My H is 100 times the guy as OM, yet I still had to fight the urge to not see or speak to OM.

It wasn't about OM being a great guy, it was that feeling I got, the fix, the over all feeling of the A. I was trapped in it.

YUCK, spit, get those words out of my mouth I hate that I was like that, HATE IT!!!

Move on from it, cold turkey, is the only way, you are fooling yourself if you think otherwise, get rid of that #.

Come to MB and vent and get advice, if you find people aren't so kind to your fog, or withdrawal, then come find me, I reside in the Jelly thread mostly. I will listen, and try to knock sense into you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Cold turkey
Obstacles
Choices

you can do this, be stronger than the addiction.

KY

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by jetgirl63:
<strong> I just want someone to grab me by the shoulders and shake me. Look me in the eyes, and tell me how to do this. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"></strong>

Jetgirl163, here's how you do this. Look into my eyes...I mean it...envision yourself looking into my eyes. I have never been more serious in my life, jetgirl, if you want to end this you have to make the decision to go through the pain of ending it. You have to have a RESOLVE in your head that you will end it NO MATTER HOW BAD YOU HURT, and NO MATTER HOW TEMPTED YOU FEEL.


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>For the life of me, I just don't know how to shake free of this addiction. That's what I think it is. A habit. The only thing I can equate it to is smoking, or drugs I guess. I don't do either. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"></strong>

It absolutely is an addiction just as chemically addicting as drugs or smoking or booze. It is a medically proven fact that the chemicals released in the brain during an affair are almost EXACTLY the same as the first "high" of drugs or the first "buzz" of drinking. It's endorphins, and they are addicting. You LONG for them...you DESIRE them...and for some, they will do anything, loose anything, and hurt anyone to get them. It is ABSOLUTELY an addiction. There's a book out called "Why We Love" that talks all about the chemical addiction that infatuation is.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>The OM is still in my life, and the whole thing is dragging me down. ... I want to stop, but I'm so weak when we speak, or see eachother. I truly love my husband...I've changed my e-mail, but not my cell #- yet. I think I'm scared to be free of this habit. I don't remember what life is like without the addiction. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">jetgirl163, ending this addiction is very similar to ending any other addiction. How do you end a drug addiction? By shooting up less and less amounts of the drug until you want none? By staying in the same streets with your dealer but just telling him "no"? By having the drug in your home, but using "willpower" to not take it? NO!!!! To end a drug addiction, you go cold turkey and puke and sweat and swear and hate your friends who are helping you through it--it's hard and it hurts!!! You completely end ALL drugs all the time, and you stay the h3ll away from any kind of drugs!! You move to a new street and don't tell your dealer where you moved to! You keep the drug, paraphenalia, papers, etc. OUT OF THE HOUSE and create a whole new life and lifestyle...new street, new friends, new activities, new food and drinks, everything.

Same here! You go completely cold turkey from the OM. You feel like you are going to puke and swear and hate your friends who are helping you through it--it's hard and it hurts!!! You think about him ALL THE TIME and you avoid calling him or contacting him 15 minutes at a time. You distract yourself--you procrastinate--you do something else--you snuggle up to your H--WHATEVER IT TAKES. You completely end ALL contact with the OM all the time in all ways, and you stay the h3ll away from any kind of potential contact!! You change your email, your cell phone, your home phone--even move to a new street if you have to and don't tell your dealer (the OM) where you are! You keep the eveything that reminds you of the affair (CD's, music, gifts, etc.) OUT OF THE HOUSE and create a whole new life and lifestyle...new street, new friends, new activities, new food and drinks, everything!

Now, that may sound rather overwhelming, to change everything, but do that one step at a time--one step every day. TOMORROW go and change your cell number. The next day, ask for a transfer at work out of the OM's dept. so that you never see him again. The next day, tell one good lady friend (maybe your friend who smokes cigs) that you are going COLD TURKEY and you need her help to get you through this. Then, every time you are tempted, you have a plan what you are going to do instead. Have a LIST of other things you could do, and if you are just freaking out, you call your friend or you come here--but by God, whatever you do, DO NOT CONTACT THE OM.

You go girl. You do what it takes to not contact OM, and you can do this!!


CJ

Dear Kyellow4 and Faitful,
all I can say is WOW. I just finished crying. How did you guys get so brilliant? Amazing. I wish you two lived near me so we could hang. The things I could learn from you both!

Tomorrow is a new day. I'll wake up and see where this takes me. Part of me thinks I shouldn't have to change my cell#, I should be strong enough not to pick up the phone. I will equate OM with cancer. Stay away, minute by minute. Lean on my friends, and H. Thankyou so much for the advice, I really needed it tonight. The good things are, OM and I don't work together anymore. He is out of work right now, so I can't call him on his cell, cause he's home! This is a good thing! He doesn't call as often, so maybe I miss my phone "fix". Sounds like it.

Once again, thankyou for helping me through some bad moments. I see things in a new way, and it feels good...I will be looking for you again!!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by jetgirl63:
<strong> Part of me thinks I shouldn't have to change my cell#, I should be strong enough not to pick up the phone. I will equate OM with cancer. Stay away, minute by minute. Lean on my friends, and H. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I can totally relate to what you're saying here. Part of it is feeling bad about yourself (like "I should be strong enough to do this") and part of it is feeling a little pissed that now you "have to" change this cell # you've had for forever and everyone knows yada yada yada.

I personally felt like I was SUCH a weaky and how did I let this happen and why can't I resist and what the heck is wrong with me that I want what is bad for me, etc. Sound familiar? Mostly that was my judgemental self talking and pretty much a complete lack of self-love. So, just remember, you are a strong, amazing person to have the courage to do this. You made a mistake, and anyone can do that--even your lovely hubby. You can resist and you have people in your life who care about you and will help you resist. You are smart and intelligent and you know in your head what is good for you--now just make your body do it. Fake it until you make it--haha <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

The other part...I felt a little bit like I had NO privacy and had to share EVERYTHING and he could snoop into EVERYTHING, and it just felt so invasive! But trust me jetgirl163, it only feels that way for a short time and then it starts to feel familiar and okay. It builds a lot of trust in the betrayed spouse--BS--to feel secure, so even if it feels a little like you shouldn't have to...do it anyway. Be gracious and just do it in good will. And regarding your phone, I learned an important lesson. I thought if I lost my phone or phone #, I'd lose all my friends and work contacts etc. because I had their #'s programmed in right? They were used to my old # and would never get used to the new one. Guess what? Huh uh--no! When I lost my phone, all the people who were important to me took the time to learn my new # and I took the time to program them in. All my work contacts were at work written down. So I didn't lose ANYTHING except the temptation.


CJ

(BTW, in case you are confused, my exH was the wayward spouse--WS--in our marriage and had 13+ affairs, but during our separation I had an incident of a temptation/EA. Thankfully I recognized it for what it was and it ended.)

jetgirl,

I wanted to join in to let you know you are so NOT alone!!! I know EXACTLY how hard it is. It IS an addition and it IS very hard to break but you CAN do it!!!

My A lasted 3 yrs, if you count the time from the very start until the final contact. After about 3 months I started telling OM this had to stop. I win the gold for how long it took me to stop. The amount of heartbreak I caused myself is ridiculous. the amount of tears shed everytime I told him goodbye, just to be back in contact and seeing him within a months time. The amount of pain my H has to deal with because it lasted so long, the amount of pain i have to deal with seeing his pain, knowing i caused it. It is all very sad. But I survived, WE survived. This site helped me break my addiction. I was at 1 month of NC when I first found this site. Additional contact was still to occur (although not physical contact). Finally contact was just 2 months ago and yesterday I posted about how OM was in my head some and my struggle to get him out. Today is much better.

The answer is to just DO IT. NO CONTACT. OM is NOT your concern anymore!! Although I may still at times feel the urge, not to be with him, but just to know how he is, if he is thinking of me, I wont make contact. it is a sickness, it is NOT about love, it is about the fix. i know contact will never happen again. I certainly will NEVER initiate contact. and I very much have this site and my H to thank for that. It feels VERY GOOD to be out from that addiction jetgirl. You can get here too. KEEP POSTING. we are all here for you.

jetgirl...(once again envisioning Cher...)

[SLAP!] "Snap out of it!"

And if that doesn't work, I'll get a can of gangreen whoop a$$ on you! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Seriously, you have been given great advice. My only comment? It's the same quote FNCJ quoted:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Part of me thinks I shouldn't have to change my cell#, I should be strong enough not to pick up the phone.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Girl, you *ARE* being strong! Just by deciding this path of rebuilding your marriage, the man you really love, the man who will really love you. Changing your cell ph# is a strong step.

Stick with us jet, we'll help you get you through this. Keep reading, posting--keep yourself CONSTANTLY busy!

Jet,

I'm on my way out the door for work but I will reply at some point today. Hang in there. YOU CAN DO THIS. OMG, I know how addictive it is and how hard it is to cut the phone cord. Be strong. Get mad at yourself and use that anger to focus your strength and then PRAY!

2scared

Jetgirl,

I understand TOTALLY... I am going through the same thing, OM sorta broke it off but we remained friends, not good, I have had 1 month since I heard from him and 9 days since I e-mailed him last. This past few weeks are the hardest ever.... Reading all the info about addictions HELPED... A girlfriend has a crush on a guy at work and when she tells me all the little flirty things going on I get the RUSH sorta like a SHARED HIGH.... How dumb... It is a rush a thrilll to get the e-mail or see their name come up on caller id, every time my phone rings I run to it and see who it is.. I deleted my e-mail account, you know they are supposed to empty it when you press end acct. well a week later a friend told me she couldn't get thru to me and I checked it, actually went back in and resigned up to "re-open it" they had never stopped recieving e-mails and saved it all, course I read them! DUHHHHHHHHHHH Yes I saved a voice message from him so I could hear his voice DUHHHHH haven't listened to it but can't let go.. ((doing it right now)) Hard thing 4 me is my family knows him, loves him and talks about time we have spent w/ him. ((EA w/ a counselor type person, mostly on my part he admitted to feelings and flirted for a few weeks but then resigned to "Can't do this" but it has flared up for almost 2-3 years now this way))

Anyhow there is light at the end of the tunnel.. I am starting to get through the day w/o thinking of him as much and trying to avoid radio stations that play music to remind me of him. trying hard to concentrate and stay busy..
This site is helpign soooosooo much! and I learned to ride a HARLEY too! that is an awesome experience so I take my hubbies motorcycle out for rides and relax a little,, \
Look around tell yourself how great your life is, look at all the good you have, think of how crappy it would be to be single hanging out in bars and how this guy woudl get OLD real fast or how he wouldn't put up with your crap the way your husband does.. That has helped me alot.. Ok long sorry...

me WS 34
H BS 36
2 kids 10 & 6
totally blessed stay home mom SPOILED by H!!!!

hi guys, i got home from work a little bit ago...still nc..2 days. why am i counting them? it's crazy, i'm a grown woman.

thankyou for your replies. i really need them. they make me feel a bit stronger...my head is all over the place today. this habit is so tough. i looked at my phone some today, wondered about him. i figure, i can't contact him, so it is what it is. it should be over....all affair's should be over. i know so many people who are having a's now, and i want to shake my head- no! don't ever do it...nothing good will ever come from it, nothing. and i read all the bs's posts...the pain is unbelievable...and i contribute to that?

can you tell i'm depressed today? i guess it's withdrawal...

WHY IS THIS A$$HO.. OM STILL CALLING YOU??

Didn't you tell him NC??

And he still is so selfish and self centered that he ignores your wishes, and what is best for you, and continues to pursue and, dare I say it?..STALK you.

And your feelings, (your fix) are still fluttery and fulfilled when you think about this scum?? Think of him and see him as the bottom dweller he is!! REALITY girlfriend, not fantasy anymore.

Don't get me started.

So does that help at all?? i.e. grabbing you by the shoulders and slapping the $h*t out of you?

k

I am curious what you are doing for the BS? Are you doing anything to meet their needs and intentionally doing things for them with no expectations in return.

I am hopeful that if you focus your attention on that and have some success, you will start getting a "High" from doing things for your BS that make them feel good.

oh krusht, you're killing me. thanks for your reply. we have nc, sort of. i guess it's been broken-yup! in my mind, i need nc so bad, but i still think about the fix, in the form of a phone call, i guess.

i'm trying to get to the place where i think of the om as scum, or a bad example of a man. i wish i was there already...like yesterday!

keep up the slaps...

Jetgirl,

So you are still on the fence?? Wanting to break away, but unable to? You are trying to do this by yourself?

Like trying to get off the crack pipe, but your buddy (OM) is keeps firing up the torch?

Does your H know? Does OM's W know? We talking EA or PA?

Sorry, I don't know the whole story, and jumped to the conlusion that you went NC and he wasn't honoring it.

Explain "NC sort of".

k

jetgirl,

can you give us more info on you? how old are you? how long married? any kids? is OM married? how long in A? and of course krust has a good one... explain "NC sort of"

please keep in mind, I am NOT / will NOT judge you. Like I said, it took me FOREVER to really end this A. i do think posting here can help you. tell us more about you.

Ok, here goes.

We've been married 16 years. Two kids, D12, S11. I turned 40 some weeks ago. That was a rough one. OM and I met at work. I didn't think anything of him then. My H was working retail hours, we hardly saw each other. But I was madly crazy in love with H. Our communication skills were gone, and I was low on his list...First was work, then kids, dog, computer, then me, I think. So off to work I went, and there he was. Someone to talk to...and he listened. Then we started on the phone, everyday, talking for hours. We connected...Still I thought, I'm married, I adore my H.( we met when we were 20) I suppose it was an EA, though I didn't know that then. Totally blind. He had had 3 other A. Why was he still married? We talked about his M, my M. A year later it turned to a PA. I crossed the line. Now it's 6 years later, and I don't remember my life before this...I'm so tired of it...We're in NC now..sort of. I can't call him, he's home..so he has to call me when and if he wants. It's a forced NC on my part, which has been good/hard. Before when I needed a "fix", I'd call him. Now I'm cold turkey.

I don't think I miss him, maybe the routine of us. Do you know what I mean? No, I never told my H. Yes, his wife found out, but never called my H. She's been through 4 A with him. I definitly don't judge her, it's her life.

My girlfriends help me with NC...they listen to me blah blah about him. I'll get there...when? I want to fast forward weeks ahead to life...thank you for letting me vent...and for not judging me too much....

Whew, Jetgirl, 6 years?...That would be very difficult to confess to your husband...yet it will probably be the only way you can stop seeing the OM because, where you are right now, if he would call tomorrow for you to meet him somewhere, you would probably say 'Yes'...Is that true?

Following is a post that Suzet posted on a thread about withdrawal and sadness...When you read it, you will see, that your feelings are normal and you are not alone.
Hang in there, Jetgirl and do the RIGHT THING.
You know what that is!
Sincerely and caring <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> ly, Julie

"The following by Dr Harley will give you understanding and insight in what you currently going through and what needs to be done to overcome this:

Withdrawal is the emotional reaction to the loss of something that gives great pleasure. It's similar to the feelings an alcoholic has when he makes a commitment never to drink again. It's also similar to the grief that comes from the loss of a loved one. A lover is like alcohol and like a loved one. Not only do unfaithful spouses miss what it was their lovers did, meeting important emotional needs, but they also miss the person they had come to love.

Our most common emotions are anger, anxiety and depression. Symptoms of withdrawal usually include all of these in a very intense form. I usually suggest that anti-depressant medication be used to help alleviate these symptoms. (Some of us here at this message board question Harley's advice about medication, myself included) While the most intense symptoms of withdrawal usually last only about three weeks, in some cases they can linger for six months or longer before they start to fade.

It is extremely likely that a commitment to remain separated from a lover will be broken unless extreme measures are taken to avoid it. That's because the emotional reaction of withdrawal is so painful. Honesty is an extremely important element in reconciliation, and it should be understood that if the unfaithful spouse ever sees or communicates with the lover, he or she should immediately tell the spouse that it happened. They should then agree on a plan that would prevent a recurrence of contact in the future. But as soon as any contact is made, it throws the unfaithful spouse back to the beginning of withdrawal, and the time it takes to overcome the feelings of grief begins all over again.


1). First you must realize you need your husband’s help to overcome this and you need to talk to him about this as soon as possible. This is the only way you will be able to recover your M and learn to fill each other’s most important EN’s. Your H deserves to know the truth and it will be wrong and unfair toward him and your M to keep this a secret from him. It will be unfair towards you as well because you won’t be able to carry this guilt & burden for the rest of your life without enormous consequences for yourself and your M. Lonely&blue, it will be extremely painful for your H to hear this and you must prepare yourself for a very difficult time, but at least your H will hear it from you. How will you H feel if he hear it from someone else or discover it on another way?

And you and I both know that there is always a chance that the truth will come out and do you really want to carry this fear & uncertainty for the rest of your life? No…go, do the right thing and tell your H… Yes, he will be very hurt and angry but further down the recovery road he will look back and respect you for the courage and honesty to told him the truth out of your own and this will go miles towards the recovery of your M and to win back the trust of your H… Go to him, be honest & open to him about your feelings, guilt, shame etc… Show him how remorseful and repentant you are and you will be amazed how much this will help your H in his recovery too. "

Thanxs for your post. My girlfrind says I should change my cell tomorrow. I was hesitant...she called me on it--because I still want contact with OM. I said no, he's not calling me anyway. Even if I changed it, he could send me a letter, contact me at work, IF he wanted to. I don't think he does. Of course, she doesn't believe me. I don't even know anymore myself. I do know my spirit is in the toilet...I need to change it because I've got these kids to raise, and a H that I really love, still.

I just want to thank you for support during this lovely time of withdrawal(yuck)...it's horrible...who invented A's anyway? shoot 'em...

jetgirl, thanks for sharing, the additional info helps. i have a few more questions...

how long ago did his W find out? what happened when she found out, did it change back into an EA or did it continue to be a PA? i guess what i am getting at is trying to understand when was the last time you were physicall with him? one other question. was this A non-stop for the entire time or did you (like me) say goodbye a million times just to re-start?

regarding the definition of NC. i'm not trying to be hard on you here but the point is you are NOT in NC. NC means you have made it very clear to the OM that what you and he did was 100% wrong and you want him to NEVER contact you again AND you are to NEVER contact him again. this site suggests you and your H write a NC letter so the OM knows your H now knows, the secrecy is gone, he can no longer use you.

jetgirl... do you realize OM is using you?? and the truth of the matter is, you are using him too. it's not a pretty site, is it? you do not have to learn to hate OM, i suppose it might be helpful, i don't know, i never got to hating OM myself. but i do hate the relationship we had, we were both just using each other. most of the time i didn't want to really acknowledge that fact, even though OM would flat out say it and i would verbally agree with him and i would force myself to be ok with it by internally saying, well we kinda are using each other but not 100%. fact of the matter is... yes we were. it was 100% unhealthy. i have come to hate the relationship i had with him, but not him specifically. does that make anysense??

right now you are only torturing yourself. you cannot contact him but if he contacts you that is ok??

you can do this jetgirl, you CAN get out from this. do you ever think about telling your H?

Hi Finallylearning,(cute name)
let's see if I can answer some Q's. Yes, after his W found out it still was an PA. When you are physical, I think emotions are so wild. He had rough times at home, but he didn't leave. So it was an EA and a PA...I know we're using eachother. But when something happens at home, in your mind you justify seeing the OP. I guess it's like doing that drug one more time, it'll be okay.
As far as NC goes, I didn't know the exact definition. I thought if I decided it was time for NC, it would happen. WRONG!! One of us gives in...FLearning, it's good to talk to you, because you understand my crazy, all over the place posts. I hope I can get it together soon...