Susan ... I cannot presume to tell you what to do...everyone's sitation is different..I can only tell you what I had to do for me... Plan B is for the BS to help then get back on their feet and after trying several times to reconcile with WS with he still keeping in contact with OW I decided that was the best alternative for me.. with no contact I got my sanity , self confidence and peace of mind back...I only communicate with WS via email about financial matters...WS is still seeing OW but also tells me he loves me...classic case of fence sitting...I found until you make it plain you will not tolerate this situation anymore...they will fence sit ...you can read about my updated situation on this thread....

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/ultimatebb.php?ubb=get_topic;f=37;t=032527;p=3#000040

I know what you are going through and my heart goes out to you...

Thank you for sharing your life with me. I know how hard it is to bare it all.

My H is also very guilty. This is his 2nd affair and I'm asking myself...do I want to continue. This is their 8th month (the A began 2/27)and I continue to hope. He came over yesterday to drop off a gift from my MIL for my S's b'day. He politely kissed me when he left. I asked, is this how it's going to be, then he took me in his arms and kissed me several times w/passion. His MLC is in full swing. I've read so many books, be patient, be strong, grow on your own, live your life, focus on you and the kids...then Plan B...not sure how to proceed.

Yesterday he picked up a card from my T and asked if he could take it. I know in my heart he loves me, is confused, and has had a lousy childhood...he needs counseling. So, I'm grateful that he's chosen to see a T. Hopefully, the T will help him see that his decisions haven't been good and that they've harmed him.

I hope to talk to my S tonight (17). I'd like to know what he knows. I know he's very disappointed and that other men have offered to be his sounding board. I feel so badly for him. My D (11) craves her D's attention, how he can stand this, I don't know. He's addicted to her.

Thanks again for sharing. Best to you and yours.
susan

[QUOTE]Originally posted by CV55:
[QB] I also talked to him a lot about the stage one in-love phase...stage one never lasts. Maybe it would take 2 yrs, but he would get there. He listened to all of this and I guess had enough moments of unfogginess that he realized I was trustworthy...I very clearly told him if he leaves me for her we were not going to be friends.
My H also had a lot of remorse. I remember saying to him if their "LOVE" encouraged him to be a lier and betray the people who he loved and who loved him, I wasn't envious at all. He could have that love.[QB}]

CV...I said the same thing yesterday. Said his actions spoke louder than his words or his non-words. It appeared that he was moving toward her and had chosen to destroy our relationship. Said I just couldn't go along for the ride anymore, had been patient, given him his space, now had to go dark. I wouldn't be calling nor would I be around when he came to get the kids etc. If he wanted to go to her -- than go.

Also said, I know you love me, it just doesn't seem to be enough for you right now. It appears you're willing to give up your home, family, and me as well as our love for you...

Called me later and left me a voice mail...I do care very deeply and I do love you, <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> this is just a damnable situation...I know what you're saying about my actions, and I can't, there's really nothing I can tell you about that except that they are what they are" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

So there you have it. I'm not sure where he'll go from here. He did ask yesterday about my T but not much else on that front. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Any other suggestions, thoughts would be appreciated.

Susan

Other thoughts would be appreciated.,....]

ustr, have you spoken to the OWH? HAve you exposed the affair to his dad and the rest of your family and friends? The OWH can be a great ally for you. Exposure is one of the best opportunities to hasten the end of the affair.

But that all needs to be done before you go into Plan B or it just looks malicious.

If you are going to go forward with Plan B, I would suggest sending a letter. Anything less is not really Plan B. The letter really is very important because it gives them a path back and shows them you are serious. WSes claim that they read these letters over and over again.

In Plan B, you ask him not to contact you until the affair has been ended. This means that he is not allowed to come into your house anymore and should only contact you in the case of an emergency.

What Plan B can do is pull a cake eating spouse off of the fence when they discover that the OP cannot possibly meet all his needs. See, if he is getting his needs met in 2 places, he has no motivation to end the affair.

If you decide to do this, I would suggest writing a letter along these lines http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/ultimatebb.php?ubb=get_topic;f=37;t=019428 and then posting it here so we can give you feedback. It needs to state that you do love him but that his actions hurt you deeply and are eroding the remaining love you have for him. Because of that, you must ask that he not contact you until he has ended his affair. Tell him you know that

ustr, sorry if I've already told you this part of my story before. My H did have enought doubt I guess to do certain things after d-day. For example, he read the description of an A from this site. Later he told me that he thought it would confirm to him what a great love he had for OW. What it did do was show him how his A was exactly like the examples of all the other As. After d-day, when he knew he might lose me then and there, he made an appt. with our MC. Our MC gave him lots of statistics about the lack of success of an R that comes from an A. Also told H that if he were to marry ow, no matter how steamy the sex may have been (at that point H said there was no sex), there sex life would stink in the M. He said she thinks of him as her daddy, and eventually wouldn't want to have sex with her daddy. I loved hearing MC give him that info. What else? He also saw a former shrink who told him if he leaves me for OW within a few years he would definitely be back in therapy. He told me recently that not one person who knew about the A said, "Oh go for it. You will be so happy with OW." He also saw that when it came to trustworthiness there was no comparison between her and I. So long term he wondered if she would cheat on him. He also did not want our boys to know and I made it clear if he didn't end it he would tell our boys the truth and the world would have to know the truth.

All the above began to break through his fantasy. He also immediately began IC which has helped him enormously. Hope some of this has helped. CV

CV and MelodyLane, thanks for your support.

The OWH does know, my H's family know and my F know. It doesn't seem to matter. Remember, he's in MLC. The OW is 41, 3 kids and worked with my H for 2 years. It seems that when MLC hit, she was there for him. I was depressed about my own job situation and drinking pretty heavily, gained a lot of weight.

Now, I'm making changes that he's noticing. Stopped drinking, lost 30 lbs am taking care of me and the kids. Doing things that make me happy. It may be too little too late at this point. I'm not sure.

I know we have almost 19 years of history and 2 children but in MLC...that may not matter. He's in the REPLAY stage of MLC and who knows how long that will last and if I can hang on.

Have a great day. Anything else, please let me know.

Susan

Need more information. But don't pay too much attention to workds, instead watch his actions.

Believer, there's more to our saga on Page one of my original post.

Should I not listen when he says, "I love you Susan."?

Hello everyone.

Not much change. H has said ILY several times over the past 2 weeks. I've decided not to Plan B completely...I know. I have decided not to contact him (only if an emergency). We'll see what happens. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Still not "finding" his wedding ring. NOt sure where his head is w/ OW, but she's still around. Wish he'd read something about affairs. Rite now reading the 2 MLC books, but don't think he's contacted my T. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I clarified with MIL and SIL about selling the house. They said, if he commmits to coming back and working on M, then selling the house and starting fresh may be a good idea. That makes me feel better. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Thoughts are always welcome. How's everybody doing?
Susan