I have been posting here for over a year, and would like folks to check in on general questions, and give an update.

The whole time I have posted here, I have posted to many, many people. Most have restored their marriage, or if they ended up divorced, were relieved. I know there are a few that got divorced, and are not happy.

So folks, how about letting us know if this program works. There are lots of members asking that question.

I will start out by saying the MB program worked for me. My husband is still living with OW, but I don't want him back. I'm much happier without him.

It made no difference one way or the other. The sensible thing to have done would have been to have divorced my H as quickly as possible on the condition that he agree to a financial settlement that would have allowed us to maintain a decent standard of living. However, I could not do that because it would have been dishonest to pretend that I wanted a divorce when I did not. Within reason, nothing the BS does or doesn't do makes any difference whatsoever in the outcome - although I suppose one could reduce the chances of reconciliation by, say, trying to blow up your spouse's car with your spouse in it.

As to Plan B resulting in a loss of love, my experience is that that is completely untrue. I have almost no contact with my H, and that has been the case for years. I will always love him. Love is permanent, and is not contingent on anything as nebulous as meeting "emotional needs."

I'll bite....

Short story, it works.

I registered in Oct 2002 but lurked a few months before that because I kept hoping this would all just go away....which it didn't.

I read the books, did the EN's and posted quit a bit for about a year or so. What I found was that I became a better individual and partner because of those things, independent to whether my wife wanted to work on the marriage or not. No matter what was going to happen with my M, I had to live with me.

The "program" here is pretty much common sense if you think about it. Don't know why it didn't come to mind before all the crap happened. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

I wouldn't label us "recovered", we are way past that. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> I'm not sure what category to use other than "happily married."

We are using what we have learned (the hard way of course) to help other couples that have found themselves at a crossroads in their marriage. Our church approached us to lead/develop a class, for lack of a better word, so that we can do this.

I never saw the bad stuff coming, her A's were a surprise, my A's were too, the separation, all the d-days, the pain, the crying, the desparation and the slow, grinding day to day existance that I lived through. They all sucked.....but....

looking back I wouldn't change them because of all the other stuff I didn't see coming....

A wonderful marriage
a family, together
my faith
knowing beyond a shadow of a doubt that my wife loves me and is in love with me.
the example we set for our daughter...

I could go on but I think I made the point...

This stuff works.

edited to add...
For those here that are new, patience is paramount. Every fiber of your being will want to react or do something to fix you spouse. It is hard to resist that urge but try.

Your responsible to fix you. You changing, could be the catalyst for your spouse changing. (Schnarch paraphrased)

God Bless

Doug

<small>[ September 22, 2004, 09:28 PM: Message edited by: d_rose ]</small>

MB has worked for me also. Before MB I didn't have a clue on how to make a relationship work, or even that relationships required work. I now have the tools and insight to have a great relationship either with my ex or with someone else.

If I could give my friends a gift, it would be the gift of MB, as I see them struggle with their marriages and infidelities. I truly believe that the people who do venture over to this program are rewarded immeasurably.

The MB concepts coupled with the support one receives here is really a cyber miracle and makes me glad I bought a computer, because in my little neck of the woods I never would have heard of the program otherwise.

Doug...

recovery easier or worse with both of you having affairs? Was one a revenge, or just a thing that also happened? Did one happen during a separation type deal?

Been curious about this, if both having betrayed the marraige in some way makes recovery 'easier' / more balanced.

I'd like to chime in. Thank you for asking this question, Believer.

And just quickly while I have your ear, I want to tell you that I think you are the sweetest caring giving person I have had the pleasure to read. This board is very blessed to have you as a member.

Now, for the answer.

Yes, MB made a tremendous difference. I can say this with confidence because the first time my H cheated on me I didn't know about MB or the principals. I think if I would have, I may not have been around to experience his recurrence affair.

I have a pretty severe story and did end up divorced, but there is no way in hell I would have survived all of the horridness my husband and OW dished out to me.

MB saved my life and my sanity.

<small>[ September 22, 2004, 09:31 PM: Message edited by: Resilient ]</small>

Believer,

I haven't been here for that long....since July of this year I think.

If a friend of mine (my boss's wife) had not given me the book SAA, I would not have known which way to turn.

Taking other random people's advice didn't seem right. "You should just leave him. Kick him to the curb." Things like that didn't fit for me... I still love my WH with all my heart.

But, like anything, without a plan..finding which way to turn is difficult to say the least. I didn't know there were so many people interested in saving their marriages after their spouse had cheated on them.

Also, I have grown sooooo much. I have self respect now (something I had little of before), and I know that I CAN go on with my life with or without WH.

Without the people on this site, Steve Harley, and the books by Dr. Harley, I would be lost. With or without WH.

K

Thanks Resilient. But of course, I am only trying to pass on how others here helped me. So I can't take any credit. I leaned HEAVILY on this board.

One man that I don't see posting here is Luke. He started on the divorce forum, and never left. His wife wanted nothing to do with him, so he thought Plan A was impossible. He did it long distance, and they reconciled. The funny thing is that he never got off the divorce board.

double

<small>[ September 22, 2004, 09:40 PM: Message edited by: d_rose ]</small>

Rook,


I don't think it made it easier to recover but it did give me an understanding of how easy one can find themselves in an A when needs go unmet.

My W had two A's. One short PA in 99 and a year-plus EA (PA after our separation). About 6 months after I found out about her 2nd A, I had my A. It wasn't for revenge or to level the playing field. I didn't set out to do it but did little to stop it. My W was still on again-off again with OM and it did't take much for me to justify my own A.

My A lasted about a month or so. My wife saw the cell bill and asked me, I lied. 4 months later the truth came out. 21 days after that we separated.

We've been back together for over a year now and our stock keeps going up.

God Bless

Doug

Another one I posted to was Brett. I hope that SpiderSlayer will chime in here. Brett was very, very sad that his wife insisted on a divorce. He lives in Idaho, where a divorce is very fast. Less than 3 months.

He stayed in Plan A the whole time. His wife was living with OM. A couple weeks before the D was final, he was introduced to a young lady 10 years younger, and fell madly in love. Last I heard, they were happy and doing fine.

Believer,

Unfortunately, I followed you over from the D&D forum just for this thread.

I can't say that MB helped my M but I can say that it has helped my understanding of what happened, what went wrong, and what will never happen to me again.

I found MB 2 Mo's after my seperation and it was already too late. I have been here almost as long as you now, going on a year.

Maybe I wasn't able to save the M that I wanted to, but I know that any R I may find myself in in the future will follow all MB principles(at least from my end).

Looking back over the years, I see and know that there are so many things that would have been different if STBXW and I had found MB before it was too late.

I give a lot of credit to those that aknowledge the problem and take action when it means something.

We never needed MC, I never did anything wrong, we didn't need to talk about things, We were gonna be fine, things would work out>>>>>> We're getting D'ed

WIWH

WIWH - I am kinda like you. On D-day, I threw WH out of the home. Then I didn't find this place for another 3 months. I still wish that I had found this place sooner, but I didn't.

MB worked well for us.

We are more in love now than the first six months we were married. 27 years, and improving.

2 1/2 years since I started reading on MB.

I know others that came, made things work, and no longer post.
I know some that came, ended up D'd, and still think this was a success because of what they learned about relationships, and about themselves.

There are those that come, and don't run the plans for one reason or another. It's hard to measure success, because we never know if the material is used properly.

Beliver, how are you now? I was worried about you a few days ago. Still wonder what happened to get you do down.

SS

SS - I was down a few days ago, but now am doing fine. And I mean really fine. Had another talk with WH. He still loves me, blah, blah, blah.

He still says he is "not living" with OW, after over a year. But finally I am free.

How about you keep doing fine, and don't scare us like that any more.

That work for you? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

SS

And sorry for changing the subject.

<small>[ September 22, 2004, 11:10 PM: Message edited by: still seeking ]</small>

Believer,
You were the very first to greet me on my arrival 7 months ago.

If it weren't for the resources, and people on these boards, I would never know that reconciliation WAS possible.

Infidelity, to me, meant the end of my M. Vows were broken...how could I forgive him ?

Well.... MB.....proved to me I COULD forgive him, that it was OKAY to forgive him, and try to save the M.

And furthermore...I'm glad that I made that decision. We're rounding up on 6 months into recovery on the 5th. I've been extremely lucky, we're filling each other's EN, and we're happy.

Saturday night sitting on the front porch, my FWH, looked me straight in the face and told me he loved me SO much, that he was SO lucky to still have me.

Thank You MB.

<small>[ September 22, 2004, 11:20 PM: Message edited by: betrayedinjersey ]</small>

Believer,

First, I'm also VERY glad to read that you are doing better!

Second, as for SS's statement:

There are those that come, and don't run the plans for one reason or another. It's hard to measure success, because we never know if the material is used properly.

I am one of those people.

I LB'd all over the place for the first 4 months of WH's A, before I found MB. Then I tried Plan A. I didn't do all that well at first--hard to break out of that LB thinking. But then I got better at it.

I tried Plan B, but wasn't emotionally ready. I blew it and went back to contact with WH. Although we were separated, I did my best to Plan A. I got quite good at it.

But dispite his saying, "Give me time. I'm working on it.", things continued to deteriorate. I probably should have done Plan B again and done it right. Maybe it would have kept me from filing DV.

I don't know if it would have saved my M in the long run. But I do have the added complication of a WH who is addicted to booze and uses recreational drugs. Many on here told me the standard MB plans don't work well if there is another addiction in place, especially Plan A (which was the only one I did well).

On the other hand, this MB forum has been a lifesaver. I knew people on here understood my situation a lot better than my friends who weren't living it and who encouraged me when I was down, but also helped open my eyes to just what I was dealing with with the substances and all.

Had it not been for everyone on here and for the MB concepts, I might have filed DV a lot sooner, because my friends were pushing me to.

And I do feel I've learned things. If God ever allows me to get into another relationship or if something miraculous happens and I ever reconcile with my WH, I will definitely focus more on EN's, and, perhaps just as importantly, will make sure POJA is applied in the relationship.

LL

My M was very broken a long time before FWW's first EA, my ONS, her second EA, then an PA. After 29 years of marriage the last EA/PA really got my attention.

I didn't find MB until nearly 3 mos after D-Day. Although we were in MC, I was LoveBusting and Disrespectful Judgementing myself right out of a marriage.

Once I took a hard, hard look inside, and at my contributions to what made our M vulnerable, I realized that much of the problem was ME. I read about, understood, and implemented Plan A, and I was damn good at it. I learned almost immediately how to EMOTIONALLY DETACH from my fogbound wife, and I refused to let the angry and hurtful remarks and actions penetrate my armor. Add in a wheelbarrow full of patience and Plan A; ie, MB saved me from blowing a chance at recovering.

We are a year past first D day, and almost 7 months past last CONTACT, and are on our way to a much better, much more promising, much more fulfilling M than we ever had before.

You cannot be successful, though, unless you make the personal changes necessary as part of Plan A, and keep them in place permanently, AND, you have to do the PLANS, believing in your heart of heart your efforts WILL be successful.

Chalk me (us) up as survivors of an A, thanks to MB, and the wonderful, kind, giving, caring people on these boards.

SD