HINC
Bless your heart. I am so sorry.

Isn't NC a state where it's allowable to sue for alienation of affection... Hmmmm.

Something I wanted to tell you. My h has been gone since August 2. The story behind that really doesn't matter at this point. But..today I noticed that I have my laugh back. Oh I've laughed down through the years. I even laughed so hard I cried several times. I love to laugh and that's what attracted me to h in the first place. But...today I noticed I really laughed. It occured to me that I haven't laughed that really genuine laugh in many years. It was an epithany.

My h called last night under the pretense that "the Lord told him he needed to call me." I knew the call was coming and dreaded it beyond what I could describe. Right after he told me of the revelation from the Lord, he made the comment that he not only hasn't been by our house but not even in the neighborhood. Lie. I've seen him.

I told him some of the things that have been bouncing around in my head for a long time. It wasn't pretty. I told him the Lord did not tell him to call and I told him to never call me again, get a life, and move on. It was freeing. What he really wanted was to come home. I've been very angry...I mean very angry...for a very long time. It was a release.

Anyway, today I laughed. I promise you, my friend, you'll laugh again....

jph-your right NC is a state where slienation of affection is a viable law suit so is criminal conversation. In my separation agreement I can sue him and don't think the thought hasn't crossed my mind. However I don not want to take anything away from his wife and kids. He has 2-19 and 13.
I wish I could laugh today but I can't. I hope I can in the very near future. Thanks for replying.

well I think you should sue him, pay the legal fees from it and hand the money to his wife & kids.
It also takes the money from him & makes their sick little love trysts lifestyle more difficult.

One thing came to mind when you said your wife had a return trip booked, You know I really think she was of the opinion that she could go have her affair and come home!!! Like nothing has happened!!! FOGGED or what???

You could also do one thing I heard from another bloke not long ago. His wife was going she said to visit her OM so a few days before she was due to go he went & bought 2 doz cardboard removal boxes from a removal firm. Placed them in the lounge, kitchen, bedroom, near front door, plus new door sets to replace the current door lock sets.
When his ww saw them asked what they were for he said well though I do not want you to leave and break our M vows & am sorry you have decided to do so, I am aware of reality so I intend to pack all your things as per the separation agreement and store them in the garage until I can arrange a removalist to store them for you, because I'm not running a storehouse and have no option now but to move on with my life.
Your actions just cause me too much hurt and once you are gone I dont want you coming back & seeing me to do it again.

I thought that was a good strategy in the circumstances & I will have to see him soon & ask how it went. The last I heard she had left the house but not gone interstate to the OM.

Just some food for thought.

Aussie2-great idea about the moving boxes. I will see if I can make that happen this week. I am definetly changing the locks to the house and I am thinking about changing my phone number as well. She can't go to OM then come home. Once she leaves she is gone there is no coming back unless she shows by her actions that OM is no longer a part of her life and agrees to marriage counseling and NC.

Hopeful -

I know you are sad, and feel weak now, but it is the time to be strong. You need to let her know by your actions (calmly and lovingly), that her going to OM is a deal breaker.

Your home is your sanctuary, not a flop house, or storage facility.

You know, I still don't think she will leave. Maybe I'm in denial. But anyway, hang in there.

I had a conversation with my wife this evening. I told her that if she goes to the OM next Sunday that she can't come back here, my house. Sure she could come to our hometown but not here. She said defiantly, I'm going. So she goes, I will be out of the chaos. I will find peace.

hopeful -

If she goes, you will find peace. It feels really good to stand up for yourself, and take care of yourself.

I was in horrible, horrible pain like you. Now I can hardly remember it. Your life WILL get better. Also I believe your wife will come back. So protect your love for her by setting your boundaries.

Right now you are the one that is most dangerous to your marriage. That is hard to believe, but I'm telling you the truth. I let my situation go on too long. I lost my love and respect for my husband. Don't let that happen to you.

Believer-Right now I have lost all respect for her. The OM is getting a woman who has lost her way in life. Her morals have been comprimised, her drinking is out of control and so is her life. I not losing much right now. But I do love the woman I married she is just not here right now. And I do mena what I say, if she goes to OM she can't come back with out 1. NC 2. marriage counseling 3. addiction treatment.

hopeful -

Good, stick with your boundaries. I didn't know about the drinking. How long has that been going on? Drinking is usually an attempt to kill the pain.

I'm feeling pretty down tonight. In 1 week she will be gone. How in the world am I gonna make it. I have been with this woman for 30 years!!
I know no other way of living. I guess I will have to learn and quick.

Hi hopeful,

I'm sorry you are down.You know,I have been with my WH 20 years.We were best friends,first and only real lovers,everything to each other.A big part of what I dealt with in counseling alone was how to detach myself from my WH.We were like halves of each other.I cried and cried to my counselor because I just didn't know how I was going to go on without my other half! We were together as teenagers,more than half my life!(I'm 38).

All I can say is you WILL get through.I did,you can too.You HAVE to.You start devising ways to take care of yourself more.For me though,I had always been the caretaker of everyone so in that respect,I did not have to learn anything new.I did however have to learn how to be more reliant on myself for security,household duties(major ones) and repairs,stuff that normally my WH would do.I had to accept the fact that there would be no more loving gestures,caresses,love making,snuggling,all those things that the homewrecker was now receiving.That was tough.

You just take it one day at a time and keep yourself as busy as you can when you are low.But do take the time to be still and count your blessings.Even though this has been the worst experience of my life,I will always be thankful that I do not have any serious health issues and that my children are home safe and are healthy.No matter what I am going through,I know there are people in this world dealing with so much worse.I will never forget that.

I have a beautiful home,food to eat,loving family and friends.I do not take anything for granted because at any time it could be taken away.I marvel at how blessed I am to just be able to have arms and legs to take me where I need to go.

When you work with people who do not have such capabilities(I'm an RN) it really puts things in perspective.You,along with all the other MB folks,will be in my prayers tonight.

O

Thanks Octobergirl, I made it through the night OK and I have a very busy week ahead of me. I still have to go home at night and see her. I know that she and the OM will talk today and it makes me sad and angry. How could 2 people be so selfish to wreck not one but two families. I don't think I could live with myself if I did that. She is not the woman I married.
I am going to be strong and positive this week even if it kills me.

HINC,

I hope you realize she HAS to hang to OM right now. It doesn't make your pain any better, but she has painted herself into a corner and OM is all that is left.

At this point she cannot stop and say to you, "let's work it out." Because she is NOT sure how she feels about you, AND she is not sure she can overcome all that she has done.

She also cannot end it with OM because HE is her future, or at least that is what she feels NOW, later it will be different.

My advice to you is to NOT shut too many doors right now. Handle this with grace, and calm. It will be over soon. Leave her an out, so that when things go bad and they likely will, she has some hope. It may turn out that by the time it does, you will have learned how to live alone and actually enjoy parts of it. It may turn out that you are far stronger than you, and she thinks and your life will have moved on in directions you really like. Who is to know? I don't. So my recommendation is "don't shut any doors." Further, don't issue ANY ultimatums or make anything threats. No "if you do this I'll..." No need to.

When she leaves you will do what you will do, and there is nothing she can do about it. She has NO control over you now. What her options will be or might be if she decided to come back, you cannot say, so don't threaten. You have your life to make choices about, her presence in it from now on will be based on whether you want it or not.

STep back, HINC, handle it with calm, grace, compassion (she is losing far more than you are trust in that), and kindness. This is NOT plan A, this is simply leaving the doors open, and allowing the maximum number of options to exist. Plus, if I asked you to be kind and charitable to someone down on their luck, you would do it. Your WW is "down on her luck". Be kind to her, she was once someone you knew.

God Bless,

JL

Jl-you ask a lot. My wife for what unknown reason has booked a return flight on the 16th. I have expressed to her that there is no need because she is not coming back to my house. Maybe that is closing a door. But I'm feel so rejected and emasculated right now. I am trying to be good to her but sometimes my mouth overloads my [censored]. I did it again at lunch. I cannot fathom her thinking and I am not doing a good job of controlling my thinking either. I am trying to be positive but this is damn hard. It hurts.

HINC,

Ask a lot??? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Only that you be almost Christ like. That is not much is it HINC? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> Seriously, yes I know it is a lot. I think it is fair that she not return to the home when/if she comes back. But, it would be good if you saw her wouldn't it? It would be good if things worked out wouldn't it? That does not mean she stays at the house and it is find to tell her that, but tell her why? It hurts you to much. Tell her out of sorrow, not anger and it will help to keep doors open.

Yes this is tough, very tough, but you can handle it. She does not need any advice from you so don't give her any. She will not listen to you, so don't start a conversation, just answer her questions. She does not love you right now, but you do love who she was, tell her that you still love the person you knew.

I am not saying you won't hurt. I am saying don't inflict any more pain on her and you will find that she will have a hard time hurting you more than she already has. There is strength in this HINC. I know you know this, but it is easy to lose it, isn't it? Hang in there, and view it as a personal challenge to you and your faith to be cool, graceful, and charitble towards her for a few more days.

Tough stuff, but see if you can do it. It will actually help you and it will cut down the conflict while she is there.

God Bless,

JL

PS: As for emasculating, no it is not. I can tell you that I have the highest respect for you and what you have tried to do. Whether you are a male or female, it takes "brass ones" to do what you have done and what BS's here do. No, HINC in many ways this is your finest hour. You have a chance to continue to show her the type of man you are: sensitive, loving, a heck of a lot stronger than she ever thought, and committed. I just don't see the down side with respect to this. You have had an opportunity to show her and you have. Keep it up for just 5 more days.

<small>[ September 27, 2004, 02:42 PM: Message edited by: Just Learning ]</small>

Christ like you say. I know that is what my Lord would want me to do. I am only a man who is hurting very badly right now but JL you are right. That is what I need to do. I will do my best to treat her kindly, with calmness, grace and diginity. I will do my best. Thanks for the replies JL. You are most helpful in my time of stress and feelings of hopelessness.

hopeful -

You might even find you like her being gone. I never thought I would feel that way, but just the absense of constant pain and disrespectful behavior in my face made me feel better.

But I am still in denial, can't believe she will go.

HINC,

You can do it, plus you will find these final days will be more peaceful, other than the fights she will start to try and make her decision seem right. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Seriously, it will happen if it has not happened yet. Be strong, and really annoy her by acting with grace. It will just chap her hide, HINC.

Kill her with kindness and you will sleep much better when this is over.

God Bless,

JL

JL, Believer and others, I am trying to behave in a calm, respectful manner to her and at times I succeed and others I don't do so well. Last night she told me that she wasn't going to OM's town but instead is going to a big city about 6 hours away. She said she was scared of OM's daughter. I just don't understand this woman at all. She seems to be making excuses to stay, now it's I don't have enough money. Before it was I want to stay till young son goes to college, then it was wait till I get my disbursement from my retirement account. Now this. I am beginning to believe that she wants to stay but continue her A over the telephone. I can institute legal action to get her out but that will require more time and more money. Does anyone have insight into what she is doing and better yet what should I do. Should I get her out legally because I can't stand her talking to him everyday while she lives with me.

bump for advice