Hmmmm. What does this mean? I have had the feeling all along that she will not go. She would be completely crazy to leave. Also she seems to care about you.

It could be that the OM is giving her mixed signals now that she is planning to go to his city. Or she could be having second thoughts since you have been behaving so nicely to her.

Or she could be really afraid of the daughter. It is hard to know. However if she lived 6 hours away, that would be lonely for her. He would continue with his wife, and continue the affair.

I do know this, you must absolutely make a stand on this. She cannot stay with you and talk to the other man. As they say on another thread here, that is "the hill to die on."

I know that she is very foggy, but perhaps you could calmly discuss this with her. Ask her if whe has any suggestions on how to resolve this problem. Let her know that continuing the status quo is not going to work for you. Then see what she says.

Also to buck you up, check out Pep's post on general questions titled "What a Woman Needs".

Good luck, you've come this far, don't give up now.

HINC,

I would not worry about this until Oct 3. If she does not leave then, it is time for her to fish or cut bait. OM and contact goes, OR she moves out. It will be her choice, as that is the boundary you have set.

Hang in there, the roller coaster has a few more dips in it, before this mess begins to sort itself out.

God Bless,

JL

JL-do I force her out legally? It is basically a lawsuit where I prove adultery and the then Judge can make her leave. This sounds very nasty to me. I would much prefer that she leave voluntarily. y advice on how to proceed. By the way we had a great night togther last night. I was calm and treated her with kindness.

I know this sounds pretty sick, but when Oct 3rd comes you tell her that there will be no more contact with OM, or she has to move out...then ask what she will need to move out.

Will you give her enough money to live on for a month? Will you begin to split up the furniture?

I would suggest give her the security deposit and first month's rent, a portion of the furniture to fill a small apt.

If she still does not want to go, wants to continue to sit on the fence, it's time to appeal to her care for you and guilt. Tell her you love her and want to be M, but watching her continue with OM is making youi lose your love for her. So, while yoiu still have love for her, you would like for her to move out. When she has ended things with OM, then she can return. If she decides she is better on her own, then she will stay away (doubtful).

She won't know, until she is gone, that Plan B can be lonely and brutally sad, but appeal to her fun nature ("You can come and go as you please, no one to answer to, call him as much as you like, no more guilt..."

HINC,

I think I would not worry about this until the 3rd. Then if she is not gone, I would have a talk with her about contact with OM and how it has and does hurt me. Therefore, to address this I would request that she leave. I would explain that she has three choices: 1. Remain, but end all contact with OM.

2. Voluntarily leave the house in order to continue her affair.

3. Leave via court order based on proof in court of her affair.

I would then express, that I would prefer in order #1. If that is not feasible, then I strongly prefer #2. And then I would inform her I am willing to do #3 if it takes that course of action.

Finally, I would ask her what her choice is going to be.

That would be my approach to this. I don't know if it suits you or not, but the ball is really in her court, I would make sure she knows this and that she has options.

Hope this helps.

JL

Thanks JL and StillMakingItHere-I am not going to bringthe issue up until Sunday. Then I will discuss with her the options as you have mentioned. The continuiation of her A in my home is not one of her options. Thanks again for replying.

JL and others-OM's wife called me this morning. She has the ticket my wife was going to use to go to her town. So my wife will not be going there at least on that ticket. OM's wife said that they are playing chicken with each other. Trying to see who will back out first. My wife has already signed the separation agreement and I am starting to refinance MY home. She also said that OM told her that my wife is manipulating him and he couldn't stop it. Give me a break!!! OM also told his wife that he wanted just to talk to my wife and see her maybe once per year. Of course OM's wife said that can't happen.

So do I confront her with this news or do I wait till Sunday, when she said she was leaving. I have been calm and kind to her. But I want this affair to be over. They still talk every day during the week. I am very tired of this drama. Either it ends or she leaves. Do I take a stand and not back down? I feel like I must. I have known about this for 4 months now and I'm tired of being second fiddle in her band.

HINC,

Ah! the plot sickens! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Oh no! I don't think you should say anything about what you know. Here is my thinking on this. You said/asked </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">JL and others-OM's wife called me this morning. She has the ticket my wife was going to use to go to her town. So my wife will not be going there at least on that ticket. OM's wife said that they are playing chicken with each other. Trying to see who will back out first. My wife has already signed the separation agreement and I am starting to refinance MY home. She also said that OM told her that my wife is manipulating him and he couldn't stop it. Give me a break!!!</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Ah the age old question of "who is zooming who?" I agree, he is a grown man, he can stop an affair with or without your W's consent, agreement, or help.


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> OM also told his wife that he wanted just to talk to my wife and see her maybe once per year. Of course OM's wife said that can't happen.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Another statement for full disclosure here. OM's W sounds like she has her head on her shoulders and I suspect OM knows he is about to get cleaned if he takes her on. Aren't you glad she knows?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">So do I confront her with this news or do I wait till Sunday, when she said she was leaving. I have been calm and kind to her. But I want this affair to be over.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Of course you do, but you get precious little say in the matter. I would not say anything and let her solve this problem. I do think you now know why she made the comment about staying in town if she wanted to, when you two discussed her coming back on the 16th. Things are NOT so great in paradise. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> They still talk every day during the week. I am very tired of this drama. Either it ends or she leaves. Do I take a stand and not back down? I feel like I must. I have known about this for 4 months now and I'm tired of being second fiddle in her band. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It is very appropriate that you have set this boundary, and it is very appropriate that you maintain it. I do think she needs to move out, and I do think the options we discussed need to be expressed to her. If she is continuing contact with OM, then Plan B is going to be just about right. That is why I have been on you to be gracious, calm, focused. You have done a masterful plan A, don't blow it. Next stop is plan B whether she goes to OM or not. If contact continues, it is time for plan B.

This is her mess and she has to sort it out. If and when she decides to end this and asks you for help, then do your best. If she waits too long, then she may not get the help she expects.

HINC, things are moving along now. There will be changes, and frankly in your situation change is good. I have confidence that no matter how this works out, you will do well. Oh! it won't be painless, but you have learned a few things in this drama, and I think you will use them well in the future.

So sit on the side lines, watch the game, and know you do have something to say about where she lives when the decisions are made by her and the OM.

God Bless,

JL

JL-thanks. I will just sit back and watch the game for now. Yes I am glad OM's wife knows. She seems to be a tremendous lady who is committed to her marriage. These two (my wife and OM) are just not thinking straight.
The thing that still bothers me is I suspect she won't want to leave. I am reluctant to instituted legal action against her. That just might be a deal breaker but I can't and won't live with her and her still talking to him every day during the week while I am at work. What is your take on getting her to leave. Of course I want it to be voluntary on her part either way.

JL-take a look at previous post and give me you opinion.

hopeful -

Just sit back and relax. You've got some help on the other side. OM's wife is rising to the occasion. Bless her heart.

This is really not the time to do anything. You already know that your wife cannot stay in your home and continue the affair. Now it is up to the other players in this to fight it out.

Did you get your popcorn yet? I still don't think your wife is planning to leave. So think of some other options - does she have a friend she can stay with in your town?

But I would continue to be pleasant to her, and let her talk to the OM. Gosh I would sure love to here THAT conversation.

Believer-Haven't bought popcorn yet but I am taking my wife to the movies tonight. Trying my best to have a little fun with her. I am still troubled with the notion of having to legally force her to leave. Last night there was no relationship talk. Monday she told me she wasn't going to his town. Any ideas as to what I should do?

Enjoy her company. You can do this for a few more days. Don't be the one to LB. Don't worry about having to throw her out yet.

In other words, don't do anything. Let the three of them interact a little.

If she brings up where she is going to live, remain like a broken record. "I know you want your freedom to stay in contact with OM, let me know where you want to go."

I wouldn't even explain it to her. Whatever she says, just tell her "nonetheless, you cannot live with me while contacting OM."

HINC,

In my opinion, Believer has it right. Don't LB, just be relentlessly straight forward about her NOT being there if she is still in contact with OM, and then be ready to force her out if she won't leave. You can mention you are thinking about it if it becomes obvious she is fighting you on this, but just keep it in your back pocket for now.

Things are about to become interesting and you don't want to miss a single scene of this thrilling, but nausiating drama. So get the pop corn now, you don't want to be in line when the good stuff happens. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Seriously, see what happens. You have options and so does she. Exercise size them as they seem necessary to you.

There are consequences for bad behavior and having a court remove you from your home is one of them.

Hang in there,

JL

JL and Believer-we went to a movie last night and had a good time. No relationship talk at all. I didn't mention that I had a conversation with OM's wife. She had erased the caller ID's from the phone. No LB of any kind. I wonder when the shi* will hit the fan. My bet is that she will force my hand. So I will get the popcorn for now and wait and see how this plays out.

JL and others-I got this mesaage from DD this morning. "I sent mom a letter. It should be there tomorrow or Saturday. She most
likely won't like it at all." I suspect she is gonna blast her mother for this A. I can't control that either. How do I react to my wife when she reads it?

HINC,

I really don't know the answer. I will say that I had two immediate thoughts: comfort her and stay back and let things happen.

I am thinking comfort her is the humane thing to do. She is losing a child or has lost one, and HINC there is NOTHING worse in the world.

So if she will talk listen to her. If she will listen offer her suggestions that might help. Don't undermine your DD's feelings or statements, but don't use them to inflict more pain on your W either.

The truely sad thing HINC, is if this plays out as you suspect, you have two women in your life in very deep pain and since they are the women closest to you, it is your job has H and Dad, to help them both if you can.

I don't know what that will take, but HINC you are still your W's husband, and you surely are your daughters father. My thinking is do your best to fill those rolls with honor if they will let you.

God Bless,

JL

JL, one thing I am sure that will come out of daughters letter is my wife blaming me for exposing her behaviour to our children. DD was home the weekend the A was exposed. She heard me crying and aks what was up. Mom told her. So she will be angry with me for exposing her bad behaviour. I only exposed to stop the A. I will try my best to be calm and comforting if she will let me.

HINC,

There is a simple response if she tries to blame you...don't accept it. Simply look her in the eye, and calmly say "I won't and don't accept the blame for YOUR behavior and choices." And repeat as necessary. Don't argue with her, just state the obvious and move on.

You know HINC I hate what has happened to you, but I hate what has happened to your kids even more. You and your W are their rock, their support, the platform from which they can launch off into life, and half of it is falling off. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> It just really bothers me, that your W does not see this. Perhaps she does, but she wants what she wants more.

I don't know. But, do your best to take care of both women in your life. No matter what talk with your DD after your W gets the letter. I am thinking that there is information in there about what your DD needs that you should know and try to addresss although the letter is to your W.

Take good care of your kids HINC. I know I have said that many times and you have responded that you will, so I don't know why I say it again, but I have. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Must go.

God Bless,

JL

Thanks JL, I have encourage my daughter to talk to her counselor. She feels if she talks to us, me and the wife, that she would be taking sides. So my daughter has told me she is seeing a theraphist. But I will talk to her this weekend and I won't let my wife attack her for her views and opinions. My daughter has been very quiet about all this but I suspect she is holding a lot inside. Your right, we are the solid foundation from which they lauched their lives and as my daugter siad the foundation has been shook to it's very core. However this turns out, I will be at the home and available for all my children. They can come home again.