2S, JL, Uphill-

Here's the latest...I appreciate the comments and advice, as always, and thought I'd respond...

Uphill- Just to clarify, both my H and I are Christians. I respect that others have different beliefs than we do.

My H and I have just both put our relationships with God on the back burner...we both know that and from what I learned last night, he is actually working on things. He even went to church with his sister and spoke to the asst. pastor to see if he'd be willing to counsel us, when he feels he is ready.

I spoke with my H's sister last night and she gave me some clear insight on what's going on with him. My mom actually also spoke to my H and he was pretty open and honest with them. He hasn't been able to communicate much to me. Although it definitely wasn't my intention, he does, in fact, feel like I'm pushing him. I saw an opening of softness in him and thought that it was a sign to move forward. Of course, I'm eager to work things out, so I've been trying to move things along when he's just not ready. I thought he was more ready than he actually is. I've back off totally now. He told his sis that he felt like I wasn't allowing him to grieve over his loss.

He felt like the book was blaming him for the A, that I was blaming him for the A, by suggesting that he read it. I see his point, though I do think he's not at the point to work on our marriage before the A--he's focused on the A...understandably so. Though the book does discuss how when emotional needs aren't met, then, even though it's wrong, some spouses will look elsewhere. But he's translating that to mean that it's still wrong to look outside the marriage for meeting needs. Obviously, I'm not going to get into a debate with him over what the book's saying and what it's not.

Ah, yes, eating the humble pie. I see how he could think that I'm trying to blame, attack, push. That's not what I was intending, but I definitely get it.

2Scared-
Thank you for your continued prayers. Just know that it is a reciprocal gesture. I am much more enlightened. I will read the scripture you suggested for devotions tonight. Thank you. My sis (with whom I'm staying) wants to start going to Wed. night services. It's a good idea for that middle of the week pick me up. When I was a kid, my parents took us Sun. a.m., evening, and Wed. evening...religiously (no pun intended). They were so so strict. By the time I was out on my own I wanted nothing to do with the church...very rebellious. Now, it's coming full circle...I see the value in going to church more than once a week.

Take care--
Rae

Uphill and Rae-

I have been thinking about your thoughts. First, I have to agree SOME with uphill. There is a tendency to emerge from the fog and RUN back to the relationship wanting to fix everything that was wrong. One reason is to make everything back the way it was. It will NEVER go back the way it was... to some degree, we have to accept that the past relationship is dead. That doesn't mean that the future is doomed. In fact if BOTH WANT to recover the marriage and BOTH pour themselves into rebuilding it can be better...much better than it ever was. Different... not the same...

The problem is that for months the WS has been deciding to "turn" back while the BS has been in limbo land. The WS has been emotionally working through the issues and then "poof", they return with a passion to repair. The BS isn't even close to ready to start repairing. In fact, they aren't even sure they WANT to repair.

That scares the heck out of the WS. The WS has been thinking that they can just walk back in, repent and everything will be better. As if the BS will open their arms and welcome them home as if they are the prodigal son. Yeah, well...in a perfect world monkeys fly. BUT that don't fly... in the south...that dog don't hunt.

Reality sets in and the WS is like..."what's up? Why aren't you happy I'm wanting to rebuild? You must not love me as much as I love you..." (by the way..don't EVER say that). So the WS wants to "educate" and "teach" the BS all the wisdom that they have acquired. Hey...I did this too. The whole thing. I got bent out of shape because she didn't just want me right back.

It take healing time. The hardest thing is that the BS is hurt, angry and betrayed. In the midst of those emotions it is easy to be motivated to DO SOMETHING...like divorce. THAT'S SO WRONG. That's making an emotional decision based on feelings (oh yeah...like the WS did during the A). The BS needs to take a deep breath, work through the anger and find peace BEFORE they make a final decision. Then they can walk away with peace OR decide to stay...all based on sound wisdom, not emotions.

It's also much better for rebuilding. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

So... Rae, your doing good. Just give him some space and let him know over and over that you love him and it's okay that he is angry. You would be too. Let him know that you chose him...you want him...you hope he is willing to allow you back into his life... and that it will all be on HIS timetable. You're in this for life, so let him take his time...you aren't going anywhere.

Your in my prayers.

2scared

Rae-

By the way... this is a very "fresh" lesson I am also learning. After I wrote you my last post I checked my email. My 21 yr old D wrote me the following after I tried to "teach" her over the weekend.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I do understand that you are "trying" and that you want to turn you life around.
What is between you and God is exactly that. I don't need to know the
scriptures to know they are there. We can all only control our own feelings and
our own actions. You will never be able to change OUR opinion of you, whether
that be good or bad, we have to do that on our own. The family will all be
working on OUR OWN time-clocks and there is NOTHING you can do to speed the
process up. You have done enough to get us where we are, let us take care of ourselves and each other to get past this.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I had to go back and re-read what I said to you and think...hmmmm. Screwed that up.

Oh my gosh, God is patient with us.

Back on my face before God....

2scared

2Scared-

I agree with your post, most definitely. I agree that when you're emotionally driven, you tend to do things without thinking...just as we did when we had A.

Yes, I've come to the realization that BS isn't always going to take things the way you intend them to be taken...the pain and anger (when BS is suffering through these stages of grief) prevents true intentions from being seen clearly. Also, I can see how he would take my communicating with him about what I'm learning the wrong way.

Yep, your D's right. We can't change their opinions of us...only they can do that through the actions that they witness...and time.

After reading other threads, I see that other BS's are on an emotional roller coaster as well, changing their minds often.

Read Jeremiah passage last night...several times. I think that maybe I was trying to control things too much...rather than just allowing God to work with us. But I thought that I was doing the right thing at the time. Maybe I was...just pushed it too far.

I will continue to pray and leave it completely in God's hands. I will continue to pray for you. That God will give us, as you say, soft hearts.

Something to ponder...
Job 2:9b Job says to his wife, "Shall we indeed accept good from God, and shall we not accept adversity?" Although we know God is with us, there also exists a fallen angel who would love nothing more than to see a marriage fail. Job's wife even wanted him to curse God. But he didn't.

Take care...keep in touch.
In Prayer,
Rae

Rae-

Life is a journey...

Stay balanced. Don't pull away too much or it will be perceived as you not caring, or that you have gone back to OM. Just don't push. Give space...but let him know your heartbeat is to be with him--- Forever!

I like to be in control, so this is hard for me. I want to know what's going on so I can manage the damage control. Weeeelllllll, as you can now see, we aren't in contol. It's not about us now...it's about them. Their feelings, their security, their timetable. That means we have to let go and trust.

The hardest part is that the choice they could end up making is to move on without us. Wow...

That's a hard one to swallow. In the mean time we need to use this time to examine our hearts. Work on us. Rebuilding character and integrity.

You're in my prayers!

2scared

2Scared,

I like to be in control too, knowing what's going on, etc., etc..

I can only use the little bits of time we may speak to one another to let him know that I want to be his wife, one that he can be proud of. That's the scary thing...I thought that if I let go and not try to help with damage control, then he'd think I was giving up.

Yep--I don't want to think about it him moving on without me, but I can't ignore the possibility that it might happen. That's a hard reality to even think about facing. Yuck.

Praying for you-
Rae

Rae-

Yes... YUCK. But the possibility that we must face. All I can do is work on me. I need to make sure that I'm the best husband there is...whether that is for my W (that's my heart), or alone, or moving on to someone else. I can't make her stay married to me. I'm no longer in contol of that. She has to choose for herself. In the meantime, I will work on being a better "me". I am sure that I want to "fix" any area that will leave me vunerable for another A. I wont be as likely to let my guard down now...because I know the potential lives inside. I just want to be a great and faithful H...hopefully to my W.

Your in my prayers

2scared

2Scared-

If I may ask...to what denomination to you belong?

Rae

Laughing...

Now that's a good question...

I'm attending a Baptist Church. I was raised Baptist, then started attending a non-denom. word Church and now back to Baptist.

I like the contemporary service with great worship...I love to sing.

2scared

2Scared-

Same here. Was raised Baptist, went to Wesleyan church for some years. Attending a church now with my sis. that is a Bible church (though it doesn't have "Baptist" in the title, it is).

Was reading through a bit of Job and Psalms last night. Psalm 17 is a good one. Job 42:2 is also. Psalm 17:5 too.

Off to teach...praying for you...

Rae

Rae-

Psalms has been a great place to read lately. David seems to understand what we're going through. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

But, he also had a heart that wanted to change. He hated what he did and took steps to be sure that he didn't do it again.

You're in my prayers

2scared

Hi 2Scared-

Had some good contact with my H. I took your advice by just using the time that he does contact me to let him know that I'm still working on me...still, well, everything. I am brief, cause I don't want to overdo it or chance having him think that I'm overstepping my bounds.

My friend, G., is also friends with my H. She was out after school and invited him along, so he met her and some others. He gave her a printout of the house listing from the Internet to give to me, and I thought that was thoughtful of him (hey, I'll take what I can get). <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> She offered for him to stay at her place once the house is sold and stay however long he wants. Well, I'd planned to stay with her last night b/c I had a craft fair today close to her place. Anyway, he told her to have me beep him. I did. He said that he had his lawyer change the separation papers so that all I had to do was sign and not have to go to court (I'd told his lawyer and him that it'd be really hard to miss this month at school--substitute teachers just don't cut it a lot of the time). The $ we make from the house will go into a CD--I thought that was also a good sign...some sort of committment. If he was thinking about D, he wouldn't want those kinds of ties to me, right? I told him over the phone that I was sorry I'd taken what I thought was progress and sort of ran with it, that I meant no disrespect...that I was sorry and I wanted to be able to be a wife he could be proud of and trust. He said, "Maybe someday."

Then today I had to stop home for some warmer clothes and he ended up coming home while I was still there gathering some things. I got down on my knees and told him basically the same thing I told him over the phone...told him that I wanted to tell him face-to-face, though I'd already told him over the phone.

Still no guarantees, I know that he'll decide to stay with me, but I can't help but be comforted by all of this.

I hope that you are doing well and you are continually in my prayers. Any updates?

I'm a perfectionist and it's hard to swallow the fact that I've done something like this. I always thought of myself as a really good person. And I know I am. But I'm also so fallable and at any moment, I could fail and fall. So it's important to take extra care of my steps.

When I have my devotions at night, I don't really have any set guide or book or anything that I read...any suggestions? Right now, I'm just kind of acquainting myself with the Bible. When I was little, I memorized all the books of the Bible and know tons of Bible stories, but never took it upon myself to really scour the Word of God. Also when I was little, my mom used to have us listen to Charles Standley--she'd yell, "Charlie's on!" and we'd file into the living room to listen to his radio sermon. Do you know of any good devotional books by him? Right now I'm just trusting God to guide me and show me things. I'll leave you with some verses I found. From what it seems, you're a lot more experienced with the Bible, so you may already know these, but here they are anyway...

Proverbs 21:1 "The king's heart is in the hand of the Lord, Like the rivers of water; He turns it wherever he wishes."
Ecclesiates 31:1-8 "To everything there is a season,A time for every purpose under heaven..."

I will trust in the Lord with all my help, and lean not on my own understanding. In all of my ways I will acknowledge Him and he will direct my path...

Rae

Rae-

There are so many good devotional books out there. Go to a Christian book store and find one that feels good to you. I'm using one for men called "devotions for the man in the mirror".

Another good book I'm reading is called "Hope for the Separated-Wounded Marriages can be Healed" by Gary Chapman.

God WILL help us through all of this! HE will! Hang in there and I want you to know that YOU'RE in my daily prayers.

2scared

2Scared--

Well, today turned out to be good. I hadn't heard from my H since Saturday when I went to get some clothes.

He called tonight...I wrote about it "need some input." Anyway, he wanted to know where the checks were in the house...I asked if I could come over tomorrow and do some laundry. He said that would be okay and I asked if it'd be okay if I made dinner, since I'd be there for a little while doing laundry. He said I could.

Soo...I'm gonna make his favorite...seafood fettuchini alfredo and ranch bread. I know I can't get too excited about this, but I think this is really good! He must be making some progress. If he wasn't he'd tell me to go to a laudromat and he certainly wouldn't want me to make dinner, right?

I miss him so much! But I don't want to overdo it...what do you think? Any suggestions from a male perspective?

Thanks for the book reference. I've been to the Christian bookstore on many occasions looking for devotional books, but have never found one that I've really really liked. I will keep looking though! I'll look for the one you suggested on separation.

I am continuing to pray for you daily...I am thankful for your support and encouragement. Anytime you need advice from a female's point of view, just let me know.

Praying for you,
Rae

2Scared-

In the depths of despair. H was a no-show tonight. I was under the impression that he was gonna have dinner with me. He was under the impression that I was going to make myself dinner and he'd eat the leftovers.

Turns out he was over at my friend's house...there's a bunch that went on there, but the deal with H and I...I just don't know what to think anymore. Every time I think that something good happens, it's not so.

I made dinner...waited...did laundry...made him cookies...waited some more...did more laundry. Nothing. He never turned up...I knew that he was at my friend's house cause I called him to tell him that I used the last of the milk and that I was going to get some more. Well, I called G's house and he was still there.

I don't know what to think anymore. I don't know. I prayed and said, "God, this is in Your hands."

This was not a good night. I'm depressed, discouraged, lost.

Prayed for you today...struggling to find my way.

Rae

Rae-

Struggling is a good word. We all understand “struggling” better than we want anyone to know. This battle is a rollercoaster. Up one day…down the next. Mostly it seems like the down days out number the up days.

I’m so sorry that your H was a no show. The discouragement and frustration can be overwhelming at times (like MOST of the time). Sometimes that overwhelming feeling of despair closes in like a dark cloud suffocating the very life remaining. It seems hard to breathe, hard to see beyond that moment and certainly hard to hope for some unknown destiny. The world as you know it is spinning out of control and you simply want to crawl up into a corner and cry. Perhaps even end it all.

I’ve been there…

In the depths of despair…alone and abandoned…I heard HIS voice calling out my name. I was too weak to move. HE came, found me and placed me on HIS shoulders. HE carried me back. I didn’t have the strength, but I rested in HIM. HE gave me comfort.

You can find my story in Luke 15:1-7

Rae… There IS hope. Hang in there.

I prayed for you today too…And I will continue praying.

2scared

2Scared-
Thank you for your words of encouragement. I know that I have no control over this...He is in control.

This is the situation with my friend. G is currently going through a D. Her H has several A's and she had one. Now they are almost divorced. I was there for her when she was going through it all. She'd come over to my house. She somewhat became friends with my H. He worked on her car for her...the 3 of us would hang out when she came over. So her relationship with my husband was more like a shoot the breeze type thing. Whereas she and I were very close.

She knew about the A and claims that she doesn't want to get into the middle of it. BUT, in the past 4 days she's asked my H out for drinks, she's offered him to stay with her if the house sells, and he was over at her place last night. Last week she asked him over for a party. She has NOT asked me to hang out like she has him. I don't think anything's going on between them, but I do think that she's way overstepping her bounds. When I called her back last night on the phone after finding out that he was still there, she had my H answer her phone to tell me that she didn't want to talk to me! I just think that her bahavior is way inappropriate here. I asked her to put herself in my shoes, or remember the odd relationship between her H and the latest woman she had an A with...If I called her H and offered him company 3 times within 4 days, if I offered her H to stay with me...I think she'd feel betrayed. When her H had his A, it was with a woman in his band...they hung out all the time. Though she claims there's nothing going on, it is still inappropriate behavior.

What do you think?

Rae

Rae-

I agree, the behavior is way inappropriate. They are both vunerable and if nothing physical is going on then an emotional bond is developing. Rebound affairs happen. Your A has now given him permission to have one himself and to some degree, he wants to hurt you as bad as you have hurt him. I'm sure it DOES hurt you. The fears, anger, betrayel. PAIN.

What can you do? If it is happening then you are switching roles from the WW to the BW and you start plan A (which you already are doing).

You might throw out a thread on rebound affairs. I'M SURE this has happened before. It would be interesting to hear their perspective.

I am praying for you.

2scared

2Scared-

Went ahead and posted something...for some other feedback. Everyone I've spoken to about this situation has agreed that I'm not overreacting and that her behavior is inappropriate.

I'm thinking of Plan B now...not having anything to do with either one of them.

Thank you for your continued prayers...you're in my prayers as well.

Rae

Rae-

Wooooooah!

I wouldn't just from plan a to plan b in 3 weeks. You are just starting this process. Take a deep breath and read the posts for a day or two. Don't over react. Pray...

2scared