Rae-

OMG....... miricle!

BTW... thanks pure bob!

I text messaged my W (remember I haven't seen her in 3 weeks) and invited her to dinner at a local dive and she just called and wants to meet at applebees. OMG! Dinner.....

Now I'm scared....

Pray everyone!

2scared

2Scared---

Am going to pray right now!!! Thanking God first, then asking him to be with you two this evening!!!

Great is the Lord!

Rae

Rae-

Well, the dinner was nice but the conversation after wasn't. She is so bitter and cold. She has decided to get a divorce. I tryed to talk her out of it. I tried to explain how I've changed and repented but it is as if she is mad because I have started trying. At one point I looked at her and said, "Would you have been happier if I had continued on in the A?" She said no, but nothing I can EVER do can make up for the pain I caused. I told her all I can do is walk out today and every day from here on out with a pure heart. She said that won't matter.

She is so hurt...so bitter... I really think she is mad that I am trying. Weird. So bitter.

At this point I don't see any hope. It will take a major miracle from God!

Thanks for praying for me. My heart is raw. I see so many BS's here at MB that would love to have their WS repent and return with a desire to restore. And here we sit trying and are treated like crap. I know we deserve crap, but I sure hoped for reconciliation. My hope is fading.

The one good thing... God will be with us no matter what happens.

(deep sigh)

2scared

Rae-

I'm going to vent for a minute so don't anyone judge me. I'm just venting......

For 27 years all I asked for was to be loved and appreciated as a husband and man. She wouldn't do that. I was always made to feel like there was something wrong with me because I wanted to have an intimate and close relationship. If I sat on the couch and wanted her to come sit with me she would tell me NO! She didn't like to be touched. She was offended if I touched her. She would push away my hugs, my kisses, my advances. My heart felt so lonely and empty. I didn't feel wanted or desired. I tryed to get my W to meet those needs. I tryed to reach out to her. Then I met the OW. Yes, it was sin..YES, it was wrong... but there were needs being met. Needs I never had met before and it felt good. I realized I was wrong! I repented... But now I get the same... she still doesn't want or desire me. Except now it's driven by my mistakes and the horrible pain she is in. I believe she hates me now. I feel so rejected, so unloved, so undesired, so unwanted.

But you know, I'm a good hearted man. I was a great husband and provider. I was an awesome father. I've made mistakes, but I'm walking out a different path now. I really am a good man. Maybe someday I will meet someone who will love me back.

Thanks for letting me vent.

2scared

Hi 2Scared--

Sorry to hear about this latest disappointment. What a crapper. Didn't you once say it'd been 14 weeks since DDay? By my calculations (and I'm not a math teacher either, so if I get it wrong, let it slide <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> )that's 3 1/2 mos....a short time to decide that your mistake is worth giving up on a 20-yr. marriage (or thereabouts?).

I know that I can't say much of anything to comfort you other than that God is with you...and I'm praying for you.

I totally hear you--everything you say I can completely relate to. It amazes me to read about so many BS's wanting to work things out with their WS's and their WS's don't...but even more amazing is that the BS's continue to hold on. I think that it's a wonderful indication of love and dedication on the part of the BS. Stinky for us that our WS's are hardened at this time. I have to confess that I do get jealous and think, "Why can't my H want be back that badly!?!!" It's all in God's time.

Hey- you're more than welcome to vent. It's right to want to have an intimate and loving relationship with your wife...that's what married people are supposed to have. They are supposed to want to meet one another's needs.

You ARE walking a different path...continue on it...I'm praying that God comforts you...and leads you through, guiding you every step of the way. You are not rejected, unloved, unwanted by your heavenly Father. May His arms wrap around your heart and give you peace.

2Scared, I'm so very sorry for you...you will find love again.

Rae

Rae-

It's so hard to look past today. I know God will take care of me. I have never been with anyone else (except the A) but my W. I got married right after turning 20. Went from mom to my W. This is the first time I have lived on my own. I know I have a lot to offer a woman. I am attractive, I have a good job and I'm a fun person...but to think about being single???????? OMG.

I do want to be loved. I do want to find someone who will love me the way a wife should love her husband. I just hope that is my W. I hope God restores and heals.

If not... It's in HIS hands.

2scared

Rae and 2scared...I'm saying a prayer for both of you tonight. You are both loving wonderful people- may God hold you in the palm of his hand, may his light shine upon you and may you find peace.

Sadfww-

Thank you! It is the peace of God that will carry us through this mess. I'm glad that there are success stories out there. Someday...I will be one too.

2scared

Thank you, SadFWW. I will keep you in my prayers as well.

2Scared-

God has a plan for you...remember the verses that you referred me to in Jeremiah.

Haven't heard from my H in two days...the longer time goes by, the more I wonder if he'll ever be able to want to see me and recover...

It ain't over til it's over.

Be vigilant and steadfast. You will be loved...your Father loves you more than anyone every did and anyone ever will. He'll never stop.
I know that we want the physical comfort that humans can give...someone actually holding us, etc. It's lonely...it's difficult...
I'll pray for you extra much today!

Rae

Thanks Rae. You're right, I just long to feel the warmth of her touch...her voice, her conversation. I miss her friendship, her companionship and her love. Now she's so bitter. I have seen the pain in her for the last month but last night I saw bitterness. Cold, angry, bitterness. She didn't care. She didn't love me, want to see me again or want any kind of future together. She was BITTER. My wife has been abducted by aliens. The woman I saw last night was not the wife I knew. She's gone. She's so bitter.

She looked at me last night and said it was not God's will for us to try to reconcile. I tryed to talk but she would not listen.

Oh, to take a trip back in time...

But I can't. I can only walk out a different future. One thing is for sure... life is about change. Tomorrow will be different, and so will the next. I can only shape my life. With God's help I will become the best Husband there EVER was. Remove my mistake and I was close... now I have a chance to be even better. Who knows...maybe it will be with my wife, maybe not. But I will be the best possible husband. That I can affect.

I'm sad, but I know God will care for me. That walk is what we call life. I'll give you this...It's not dull.

Thanks for your prayers. You are in mine as well.

2scared

2Scared-

To me, it sounds as if she is still in the early stages of grief. She was in shock at first, then anger, and bitterness falls along the line somewhere--I don't know if it's a stage by itself, but if not it can be categorized under one...I don't remember in what order they go (I'm not a psychology teacher, after all <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> ), but she is progressing through the stages...she needs to allow herself more time to get through it.

It wasn't God's will to have this happen in the first place, but, though he says he grants D in the case of infidelity, it's still his will for marriages to last forever.

D's take a long time to be finalized, thanks to our lovely judicial system...so even if she does draw up paperwork and everything...it's gonna take time...during which she may change her mind.

I need to go on a walk and clear my mind...talk to God...de-stress. I sure wish things were different for you.

Rae

Rae-

We'll just keep each other sane. You're right...she's progressing through grief. If she doesn't jump into divorce while she's bitter we might make it. MO has a 30 day divorce time so if she files it can go fast. That is...unless my attorney delays it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> After all...I'm not in any hurry.

I went swimming today. I was swimming a mile 3xweek but have backed off since all this started and decided to jump back in (pun intended). It felt good to work out again. We have to remember that exercise, sleep and eating well helps with the stress. We need to take care of ourselves...after all, no one else will.

I have a question for my English teacher friend.(not geography, math or psychology... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> ). I wrote a novel. Yeah.. really. A fiction novel that I have finished but not attempted to publish yet. It still needs some editing and comments before I attempt to see if it's really good enough to publish. When you get some free time, would you consider reading it and making some suggestions?

It is about a terrorist attack on the United States...releasing small pox. It is a strong Christian witness.

Anyway, let me know if you would consider it. I could attach it to an email.

I praying for you.

2scared

2Scared-

I would be more than happy to take a look at your novel! That's really cool! I've always wanted to write more seriously, but have never had an idea that I really wanted to go with.

Good for you...yeah, exercise does do a body good. It's hard to motivate yourself when you're depressed and stressed. I've been taking my sister's dog walking almost every day now. I usually lift and run, but haven't done that for a few months. So, I'm starting out walking again. I find that it is a good time to just talk to God.

Oh, I didn't know that about MO's divorce laws. In IN it takes forever. I'm sure that there are ways to postpone, though, like you said. I don't know if this'd go over well with your W, but maybe you could write a letter asking her to put this off--while her emotions are so intense?

I'm gonna go have my devotions...will pray for you.

Rae

2Scared-

I just wrote a post and lost it!!!! Grrr!!!

I'd be more than happy to read your novel and give you some feedback. Cool! I've always wanted to write seriously, but never had an idea I wanted to go with.

I didn't know that about MO's law (probably partly b/c I'm not a government teacher <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> ). Gosh, in IN it takes forever. I'm sure you can postpone, though, like you said. You know, you've got nothing to lose...why not write her a letter asking her to not make a decision while her emotions are so high? I don't know...just a thought.

Well, I'm gonna go have my devotions...and I will pray for you!

Rae

Guess I didn't lose it!!! Duh.

Rae-

Laughing... it appears you're not a computer teacher either! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Whenever you have the time to read it (or when you want me to send it) just let me know an email address. I can attach the book to it.

You can set up some account so that it's not your personal email address. That will give you privacy.

I would be honored for you to read it. Thanks!

2scared

2Scared-

Har har har. No, clearly, I'm not a computer wiz. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I was lucky to be able to figure out how to use this forum. I've never done the whole chatting thing or IM thing or whatever you want to call it.

Is if Friday yet? We are doing this thing at school with the freshmen...they rotate through all 4 of the Eng. 9 teachers and we do the same lesson 5 times...4 times that!!! Aaarhhh! That's 20 times! It really gets boring after the first time, but you have to keep your enthusiasm high b/c if you don't act excited, they're not gonna be.

So I set up this email so you can send the novel...
pandyrae@yahoo.com
Pandy is the name of the dog I had when I was younger...she was the best dog...part of the family, really.

Look forward to getting your novel!

rae

Rae-

Okay... I sent it! Have fun.

2scared

2Scared-

Well I was able to successfully download the book. I read the first page...very attention-getting!

I have to finish reading a book for a student--a speech student from last year who wants me to help him cut a drama. If you don't get what I'm talking about, let me explain. I've been involved with speech for about 11 years. Yeah, it's one of those academic teams at school. Sometimes we're called "speech geeks." I competed in h.s. and college and coached for a long time too. There are lots of different events, but some of it's like acting and some of it is public address. It was the best thing I could've ever been involved in...I'm always told that I'm a good public speaker...toot toot. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I'm not coaching this year, but said I'd help a couple of students from last year...they're 2 great boys--brothers...the sweetest kids...hard-working.

Anyway, I'll read it soon and give you feedback. Would you prefer that I print a hard copy and mark on it so that you can see the suggestions I make? I could send it back to you via mail. Or I could change some stuff and email you back an attachment. I don't really care either way...it's up to you...your baby. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I emailed my H today and didn't get a response...so this evening I had my sister call him and ask him if he would talk to me about a few things. I asked him if there were any developments as far as him staying with my cousin (so that my sister can have some privacy and space with her new boyfriend). Sidenote--my sister (2x divorced) met this guy a month ago and he got a job in S.B. and is living with her already! I'm not gonna judge her...cause it's none of my business. I am just worried that she's jumping into this head first and I don't want her to end up regretting it. But you can't tell anybody anything when they're in love.

Back to my H--he'd said previously that he didn't feel comfortable in the house anyway...I'm thinking, "Then let me stay there for crying out loud!!! My poor little kitty is there without his mommy and I am totally comfortable there!" Of course I didn't respond with such eagerness, but I did suggest that he stay with my cuz. He said that my cousin just got back last night (he was in Amsterdam with a buddy), so he hadn't talked to him. Also, he said that there may be a couple that is interested...he said they said they would contact the realtor.

I also asked him if he'd made any progress on this whole thing. He replied, "Some. I have good days and bad days." I guess that's promising, right?

I am just having a really really hard time being patient right now. I miss him so so so much!!! Almost everything I've been reading--articles, books, etc., say that it's not good to be separated. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> I mean, I haven't talked to him since Friday night and I'm dying here!

He's gonna go to his nephew's football game and stay with his sister Friday night, so at least I can have one evening with my kitty cat...and without the chaos of 4 people in a two bedroom duplex.

Any developments on your homefront?

Rae

Rae- (ha!)

Why don't you print a hard copy and write all over it. Mark it up! Then you can just mail it back.

As to your homefront... It's promising. Don't get discouraged. This takes time for them to process. The fact that he is having ANY good days is a start. I understand missing the home and kitty thing. I have two cat's and a dog that miss me like crazy... well, I miss them so they must miss me too. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

The sooner you get home the better. Why don't you suggest you move home but if he is uncomfortable, you will sleep in another room until he feels at peace. That way you will begin talking and he will see you. He's a male..."seeing" is VERY motivating. You want to stay as involved as he will let you without pushing him or smothering him.

My situation... Hmmm. My W was really hateful Sunday night. Bitter is the word I will use. She seems focused on DV. Yuck. Time will tell. She set up her own checking account but wrote a check to the attorney out of my account...I asked her about it Sunday and she dropped her head. Today she put the money back into my account. Interesting... I don't know if that was a moment of integrety or guilt. We will see. My son get married this weekend and I will be flying to Springfield Mass for the wedding. My whole in-law side of the family will be there. I will want to crawl under a rock I'm sure. Everyone has orders not to confront me...it's my son's day and nothing should spoil that. I'm sure there will be some looks and cold shoulders.

Two of my three kids have seen my heart and are supportive. My third wrote me today about her feelings. She has agreed to hug me as long as I don't get all emotional. That's a start! Just keep praying. God has given me His grace...It's just everyone else that has trouble with that.

Hang in there. We will make it through this. Write an email anytime you need to vent. Or here... whichever. Thanks again for considering reading the book. As I'm sure you understand, self esteeme is low. Keep me posted on your H's progress.

I'm praying for you all the time now.

2scared