Waking up-

My turn....

The struggle you are feeling is the fact that you committed to this OM and then stopped short of your promise. He kept going....

It's been said "The pain we cause other people becomes the hate we feel for ourselves."

Your struggling with your own character issues. You hate who you've become. You are finally waking up from this dream fantasy and seeing the pain, devastation, and destruction that your choice has made. That reality hurts like heck. You've lost some of the core values that you held dear all your life. You used to justify it by shifting your values like loyalty, faithfulness and trust to the OM, but then he left his M(I'm going to guess he got caught) and you didn't follow. Over the years you were able to have both men but now you are beginning to see just how deeply your own character has compromised. Your questioning if you really want to carry through with this.

YOU HATE WHO YOU'VE BECOME....

Waking up...that's the first poke out of the fog. Now you have choices to make. It's not about the character of the OM (although we could question that). It's not about your jealously and desire to control him. It's not even about the fact that your chances to succeed with the OM are less than 5%.

It's about the fact that you now hate the person you have become. Your character...your life... YOU at the very core.

The good news is that you CAN do something about that. It's hard. It's scary. It's painful and It's work. BUT....ITS WORTH IT.

So, you said your tired of all the pain, turmoil, confusion, lies, petty jealously and games.

Are you ready to DO something about it?

If so... we can help you. But it's up to you. None of us here can make that decision for you.

Are you ready to change?

It's your call....

2scared

ark has a way of doing that, huh WU? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

And to the others: 2s, FH & john...slowly storing my 2x4 away for safe keeping. Food for thought is alot healthier than bruises.

The pervebial ball's in your court.

Keep telling us your thoughts and feelings.

Best wishes WU.

2scared

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
Your struggling with your own character issues. You hate who you've become. You are finally waking up from this dream fantasy and seeing the pain, devastation, and destruction that your choice has made. That reality hurts like heck. You've lost some of the core values that you held dear all your life. You used to justify it by shifting your values like loyalty, faithfulness and trust to the OM, but then he left his M(I'm going to guess he got caught) and you didn't follow. Over the years you were able to have both men but now you are beginning to see just how deeply your own character has compromised. Your questioning if you really want to carry through with this.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That was a bull's eye, direct hit. Exactally how I feel.

I've been reading your story on another thread, how are you doing?

Waking up-

Okay... This is a VERY stressful time because you don't feel good about who you are BUT your also in turmoil about the decisions you know you have to make. I'm at work now, so tonight I will write to you more about the inner struggle you are battling with.

To wet your interest... Isn't it sick how you are feeling you are breaching your integraty and sense of obligation because you are CONSIDERING staying with you H?

You really do have some hard choices to make. The first is which way to turn. The balancing of two lives is tearing you apart. Trust me... if you continue with the indecision, it will be YOU that is empty, alone, destroyed and crispy in the end. It will KILL you. You know I'm right. You already feel the core melting down. But all is not lost... you ARE waking up.

Me? Hmmmm. My heart and life are finally doing all the right things. I'm free from the fog and my insides are finally relaxing again. My relationship with God is better than in a long time. Two of my three kids are back talking to me and the third is writing about her anger. Hey, at least shes voicing that anger to me. My W is another story. She has stopped MC, she is changed all the locks on my house, has an Attny, and I am bracing for the worst and praying for a miracle. I can't change her mind, but I do have control of my actions.

Now, take a deep breath and think about the fact that you need to be able to look at yourself in the mirror with some sense of worth at the end of each day. You can't right now.

2scared

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
To wet your interest... Isn't it sick how you are feeling you are breaching your integraty and sense of obligation because you are CONSIDERING staying with you H?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes, shows how deceived I was/am...
I know I am not going to go to the OM. I'm just hanging on to him a little longer for selfish reasons: emotional needs met, not wanting to let a 6 year friendship go, the longer I hang on, the longer the real pain of withdrawal stays away, but on the flip side of that, in 4 weeks when my company shuts this division down, OM will have no way to contact me and beg and plead like was has happened 3-4 times in the past.

I had asked if I could ask you some questions on my other thread, but you've answered some of them here already.
How old are your kids?
I look foward to hearing on the inner struggles, I will not respond over the weekend.
Thanks for your insights.
WU..

Waking up-

I have been married 27years. 23yr son in the Airforce. 21yr married daughter. 19 yr daughter-freshman in college. Empty nest...in more ways than one.

I will leave posts for you to consider when you return. Good luck...

2scared

Waking up-

I hope you had a nice weekend. I’m sure it was spent worrying that your OM was with the xw. You probably had your stomach tied up in knots thinking about it all weekend. And since he was hunting you couldn’t talk to him as much. I’ll bet that made you nervous.

Do you see the predicament you’re now in? You are addicted to the OM and it is killing you. I’m serious! It’s killing you! You want to stay in your M but you can’t seem to get the OM off your mind. He consumes your thoughts. Then, in anguish, you attempt to control him. You don’t want him to sleep with his xw…a little jealously? Yet, you’re still sleeping with you H. Am I right? Deep down you know just how sick that is and you know you have to make a decision.

You’re thinking that you need to “Do the right thing”. Waking up… doing the right thing means several things. It means lining up your internal moral fiber with your actions. The very fact that there is still a sense of “rightness” means you are struggling with the reality of your sin. “But I told him I would be there for him…after all, he gave up everything for me”, you say. So now you are caught in the dilemma of what really is the right thing? INDECISION…and it is that indecision that is killing you. Your internal moral character is at odds with your actions.

You can choose to DO SOMETHING or continue in this indecision which has your guts tore up to the point that there is NO peace at all in your life. NONE! You have sabotaged your M to the point that you’re not even sure if it can be saved. So, what do you do and what direction do you turn? What if you lose both men? That scares you too!

You need to get alone…turn off the phones… get quiet… seek to ask yourself some basic questions.

1. At the end of this bad dream don’t you want to be able to look at yourself in the mirror and know that you have regained your integrity?
2. Why haven’t you been able to leave your H up to this point?
3. Do you really want to leave your H?
4. What actions do you know eventually you will have to do?

Once you get alone, draw a line in the sand (so to speak) and decide that you ARE going to make a decision. Not just think about making a decision, but MAKE A DECISION. Choose which way you want to go in life.

Once you decide, we can help walk you through the actions. Have you read “Surviving an Affair”? If not, get a copy and read it. It describes the emotions and decisions very well.

More questions…
I know your OM moved, but you can’t tell me you are not having a PA anymore. How often are you two meeting? How often (no bull here) are you two talking everyday? How much does your H really know (you can’t tell me he knows it all)? Start telling us how you feel…the fears, frustrations, and guilt’s. Start talking…..

Waking up… I’ve walked in your steps… I want to help you out of this emotional nightmare.

You’re so tired of it all…I can tell.

Keep posting,

2scared

((((Waking Up))))

Thinking of you. I'll be waiting to see your response to 2scared. We're here to help.

2scared-
It is comforting to know that someone really understands how I feel.

The indecision and prolonging is killing me, as you stated, my guts are in knots.

And honestly, there is no PA. I have not been with OM for 2 months, haven't even laid eyes on him. The phone calls are 1-2 times per day, Monday-Friday. I might get to talk to him once on the weekend if he is around.

You want to know how I feel, my fears, frustrations and guilts...where do I begin?

I hate what I have become. A liar and deceiver to both H and OM. I have made the mental decision that OM and I have no life together, but I feel like I can't ever love my H or even come close to liking him. I can't imagine a friendship with H like I had with OM. I never trusted H like I trusted OM with my thoughts, fears, dreams. I cringe at the thought of being that honest with my H. I had this affair, fantasy for 6 YEARS!! OM was my best friend. My heart wants to run to him, but my head says it won't work and you will destroy your kids and family and any integrity I may have left.
I have resigned myself to the fact that I will give up OM and stay in the marriage until the kids are gone and in the mean time, if God changes my heart, that's good, but I'm not really believing it right now. So I see a bleak 7 years of marriage left. H will stay in the marriage until the kids are gone and so will I. But in doing so, OM has to go for good. I can't hold on to him any longer, it's not fair to anyone.
So, I have to live with the fact that I helped destroy OM's family and OM's life, he gave up alot because of the words I said and now I have to tell him sorry, changed my mind, can't help that you wasted 6 years of your own life..
The thought of what he will think of me is unbearable because he really is/was my best friend.
How much does my H really know? He knows the affair lasted 6 years, he knows I loved OM and OM asked me to marry him. However, those are partial truths, he does not know I still talk to OM. He thinks the affair had been over a year before he discovered it. See, lies and more lies. Why did I tell him A was over? Because of the violence I described in another thread. (GQ-Waking up needs help)
So I prayed, asked God to help me. God removed OM from the area, closed down where I work and removed a co-worker who was a friend of OM so he could not continue to push me in OM's direction. I now have 4 weeks and I will be out of touch for OM. I just can't open my mouth and say leave me alone.
This weekend, OM assured me he would be leaving around 3:00am Sat morning, drive to ranch, get there at dawn, 6:00am, hunt with D and EW, leave at dark time, be home fairly late. Said D and EW would take own vehicle as EW wanted to stay at ranch and see her mother, they wanted to stay thru Sunday.
Well this is what happened: OM leaves town at 10:00pm Fri night with EW and D in his vehicle, they spend night at ranch. EW's mother is not at ranch, but at EW's house! So, OM is alone with EW in big house while D sleeps...and OM says nothing happened. Says had great day with D hunting and there was nothing wrong with what he did.
So, in my eyes he lied to me and all percentages point to the fact that he probably did sleep with her and he is stringing her along in case we don't make it, he'll have a "soft place to land."
So, yes, I am in termoil. Why can't I tell him to get lost? I am sick...

Waking up-

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> So, yes, I am in termoil. Why can't I tell him to get lost? I am sick...
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Don’t ever underestimate the addiction of an A. You have shared a 6 yr. emotional connection with the OM. That is incredibly powerful. Why is it so hard to stop? Because you don’t want to hurt the man who has been there with you and for you over these last 6 years. He has been your support and most trusted companion through some really tough times.

But hey… I’m not going to let you off that easy. The unfairness is that you gave to the OM what was rightfully due to you H. That wasn’t fair or right. You justified it because you had a “plan” to find happiness away from the pain and emptiness of your current marriage. Then your world came crashing in when you got caught. It wasn’t necessarily the look in your H eyes that stuck a knife in your heart…it was the look in you son’s eyes as they realized the one stable and caring person they had in their life was a cheating liar. Suddenly your world was upside down. The more you thought, the more you hurt.

So why did you decide to stay in your M? You felt guilt…that’s a given. Guilt is a moral judgment you feel because you have violated some internal standard. You felt guilt because you knew that you had been unfaithful to God’s standard in the M. BUT…that’s not what got your attention. A WS can get past guilt because they have justified their actions as some reasonable escape from the unmet needs in the M. What grabbed your heart was REMORSE. Remorse is the feeling of having done something that you deeply regret. Remorse is what you feel when you lose control and hurt someone you deeply love.

Many BS have asked the question “What woke you up and made you end the A?” The answer: REMORSE. You looked into the eyes of your children and saw their shame and hurt. You fell from your pedestal. Oh my gosh…there is no way to describe the pain and humiliation that was in the depths of your soul when you realized that you were the one person who your kids adored. Now… shame, anger, confusion and embarrassment. One thing was now true… YOU KNEW WHAT YOU HAD TO DO. Guilt exists in our head…but remorse moves us to action.

So, you’ve made your decision…now you need the strength to walk it out. First, you’re a Christian so pray for that strength (Phil 4:13). Second, focus your remorse into resolve. You have a tough road to walk out. You must say Goodbye and establish NC. You CAN do it! It is possible and we are all here to help you through the maze of emotions and tears. Focus your remorse into resolve!

What about your H? Just imagine what your M would be like today if you put as much effort, time, attention and vulnerability into your H as you have into your OM. I know you have thought of that. IF you sow into your M with the same passion you did with the OM then you WILL reap the rewards. Your love WILL grow again. I’m not worried about that. Your love is an emotion that stems from your actions. Sow and reap. Besides...You know that the OM lied to you about this weekend.

Let this all settle into your spirit and post me back.

Also…all you lurkers out there… Jump in anytime!

2scared

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by 2scared:
<strong> Waking up-

So, you’ve made your decision…now you need the strength to walk it out. First, you’re a Christian so pray for that strength (Phil 4:13). Second, focus your remorse into resolve.

Your love WILL grow again. I’m not worried about that. Your love is an emotion that stems from your actions. Sow and reap.

Also…all you lurkers out there… Jump in anytime!

2scared </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Wakingup- I said a prayer for you this morning- that God will guide you and help you to find peace. I know you are so tired- tired of the lies, deception, anxiety and guilt. So tired that it's hard to imagine a time that you were full of peace and contentment...

You will find that again- you just need to take the steps to move forward. 2scared is exactly right. You CAN do this- and you CAN fall back in love with your H. We're here to help.

2scared and Sadfww-
Thank you,
I am training a gal today, hopefully I will have some free time to respond..
I appreciate your prayers.

2scared

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
It wasn’t necessarily the look in your H eyes that stuck a knife in your heart…it was the look in you son’s eyes as they realized the one stable and caring person they had in their life was a cheating liar. Suddenly your world was upside down. The more you thought, the more you hurt.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That is exactally it, bottom line. It is the reason I am ending the affair.
My sons didn't know of the A the other times I tried to end it,and I did try to end it because of them, but because they didn't know, it made it easier to continue. Do you know what the OM says/said to me everytime I said I had to end it because of my boys? He said he loved his kids too, but did this for us and the kids will be better. He says he thinks that I think he doesn't loves his kids as much as I love mine because he left. (And in the end, I really wonder how he could have left his kids...)
I do feel remorse, finally. My hard heart is starting to crack. I am seeing the ramifications of what I did more and more and it sickens me.
I am also disgusted with the deceptiveness, not just the role I played, but how the enemy deceived me. I knew for sure the OM was the guy for me. The package was beautiful, the words just what I needed. He loved me for who I am! We will both go to church together and live godly lives...
I wanted him to find a church and start going, he said he didn't need church, he could worship God wherever he was and we would go to church when we were together. I wanted him to pursue a personal relationship with God, he had no intrest unless I was a part of that relationship. So, big red flags going up, he is not taking a spiritual stand or headship in his life...One thing that is very important to me is spiritual leadership in the home. My H didn't do that, the OM promised to, now I see he really doesn't have a clue what that is or have an intrest to develop a relationship with God before I get there or got there..
I know I'm rambling on, it just helps to point these things out to myself.
I have made such bad choices, I don't want to make more, the enemy tells me by cutting off A with OM I am making the biggest mistake of my life. He is playing on my emotions. The Word says I can't live by my emotions, but by the Word of God, and God says the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life. Adultery is sin, lying is sin, deceiving is sin...so, looks like I'm sowing death, not life... but I now choose life so me and my family shall live. So please continue to pray for strength and courage to put down pride and flesh and do what's right because that is what is making the break hard, but it is actually progress because before I thought I loved him deeply and couldn't even think of being without him...
I am so tired...

2scared and sadfww, tell me some good things that have happened for you..

Thanks...
I'm finally Waking UP!!

Waking up-

{{{{{{{{{{Waking Up}}}}}}}}}}

Was that a foggy head I just saw poking out above the clouds? YES!!!!!!!!!!!

You now realize the decision...it's walking it out that's next. TRUST ME... realizing that you were wrong and that you have to choose a different path is the biggest step out there. Wanting to change puts you so far ahead of most WS's...you have no idea. Read the broken hearts of the BS's out there hurting because their WS has NO DESIRE to even think about being wrong or changing. Yes you were deceived. BUT... with God's help, you can be restored .

Time to study. Go to Romans 7:14-25. Read it like 5 times until you feel the fustration Paul felt. CRY... tears of remorse, tears of brokeness, tears of repentance. Then Romans 8:1-6. And... 1 John 1:9.

Now... read this thread:

False Repentance

Read through Psalms 51.

Now... You tell me what you learned.

I'm praying for you.

2scared

2scared-
Thank you for your prayers and support. I will definately read the scriptures and thread you attached. I am at work, so will do this at home in the evenings.
How are things with you today? How is your wife and family? Is your story posted somewhere?
Talk to you soon!

Sadfww are you around today?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Waking Up:
<strong> Sadfww are you around today? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">((((Waking Up)))))
I'm home sick today- just checked in though.

Sadfww-
Hope you are feeling better soon!
I was just wanting to talk. I see you are a former WW. Lots of questions, don' know which to ask first. Is you story posted somewhere, it may answer some of them?
Thanks

2scared-
I briefly read the scriptures, am familiar with them and plan on studying them more. What really caught my attention though was the study on False Repentance. I have to read and re-read it, I can identify with all the prayers, but to sum it up, my past repentance has been false, my current repentance is more true than before, but I still see blaming, I take full responsibility for my choices and actions, but there is that little nagging voice that says "If your H would have done what you asked of him, this A wouldn't have happened, he's to blame". My H has said to me he knows he is part to blame and is sorry. Where do I draw the line, quit blaming and move on? There is something in my heart I can't describe when I think of letting him of the hook or I guess it's really just forgiving him, I cringe at the thought. Why? I re-read one of your posts to me, you stated that meeting H's needs seems like a chore, more work than enjoyment in the beginning. But still, can't quite identify what I'm feeling..any thoughts? Anyone....

Waking up-

Here is how I have thought of my relationship...

I am 100% responsible for the decision to have the Affair. No one made me make the choices I did and they were wrong!

I am, however, not fully responsible for the condition of the marriage. We both bear responsibility for the condition. We both made mistakes and it will take both of us working hard to recover.

So, your H didn't force you to stray. But, both of you made mistakes and created an environment where the affair was possible. What you need to do is create a marriage where no one would even want to leave. That will take work from both of you. BOTH parties are at fault in creating a marriage where an A is possible.

Pure repentance is like pure forgiveness... We want the cry of our heart to desire to do the right thing and be broken, but there will always be some lack. We're human. The BS knows they need to have a complete forgiveness but their human! It's hard. Work on your heart and attitude. Let your repentance be toward God and HE will direct your attitude toward your H.

Have you read Surviving an Affair? If not...go get it.

Does any of this make sense? Where are you with your contact with the OM? He senses something is changing inside of you. He senses it! Are you talking to him about how you feel?

2scared