WU- the sooner you get this over with (cutting it off completely with OM) the better- for both of you.

I know you're afraid- afraid of how he will react, afraid of severing that tie, and that you feel responsible for his life choices. Please try to keep in mind that You are NOT responsible for him. He is an adult who is and was capable of making his own decisions. He chose to leave his wife. You did not make this choice for him. He is a sovereign grown man, WU, and you are not responsible for his happiness. Think about it this way: you are actually doing the OM more harm by stringing him along then in simply cutting the relationship off.

As far as other fears...he probably will not react pleasantly. You could simply cut it off with a NC letter- which I know is the suggested method. Otherwise, if you are going to call him, I would keep it simple and make sure that he recognizes that your have irrevocably made your decision. And then you MUST KEEP TO IT- no further contact.

Do you want to set a date to do this? How about tonight? We can check up with you to make sure you did.

WU,

2scared is right, there is no NICE way to end it, there is just the accomplishment of doing it.

i had read the last part of this thread last night, as always reading others threads helps me too. but just now i read it in it's entirety. my prayers are with you.

Sadfww and Finallylearning,
There is nothing I can say except I know...
I know it's not fair to him, I know it's not fair to me...I know, I know, I know! Now I need to do...I am so frustrated with myself.
Thank you for your prayers and thoughts

don't despair WU, you will get there. just stick with it. keep posting, keep pushing yourself and we will stay here and support you thru it all <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

OM put all his hopes in me. He planned his life around me, changed occupations, moved, to be with me. I feel like I am abandoning him. Yes, I know he made his choices, but I still feel my guilt and sorrow. I also feel very fortunate that God is still with me, He hasn't abandoned me. He wants what's best for me and OM, problem is, I know that, OM doesn't. OM thinks I'm the best for him. I am in the way of God working in OM's life....I just want to put off the pain for both of us as long as possible, but that is also putting off healing....

Does anyone listen to Mercy Me? Their latest CD, Undone is awesome..the song Never Alone is a great comfort..

WU,

With all due respect your OM is an idiot. You said </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">OM put all his hopes in me. He planned his life around me, changed occupations, moved, to be with me. I feel like I am abandoning him. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Do you realize that what he did is decide he was going to marry someone, buy the house, furnish it, get the baby things, get the career, AND THEN find a woman to be his W. All of the things you listed are out of order. First he had to find a woman to marry and you were NOT that woman, you were already married. Does that give you a clue as to how out to lunch he is? He may be a nice guy, but he has lost touch with reality.

So my comment is: "just because he lost touch with reality, doesn't mean you have to." You cannot save him from himself and his own decisions. Yes, you played along with the fantasy, but in 6 years you are still married, you have not filed for divorce, and you have really given him NO actions that would suggest that this relationship was anything more than an affair. Yet, he has run off into the weeds making life altering decisions WITHOUT you on board.

As an outside causual observer, your OM is NUTS. Frankly unless he changes he is not a man any one including YOU should consider being with.

Sorry this sounds so harsh, I actually feel sorry for him. Not because you don't want to go with him, but because he is soooo out of touch with reality. Please think about this, and then do what you know you need to do.

God Bless,

JL

JL

I did not take your words harshly and totally understand what you are saying.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
With all due respect your OM is an idiot.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Don't know if you meant to, but you made me laugh. I have had that thought a time or two because of him putting all his faith in me, a mere human...
Yes, he put the cart before the horse, he should have gotten a clue since I didn't leave all those times I said I would. He totally believed me time and time again, I didn't lie to him each time, I sincerely meant we would be together, it's just when I stepped out of the fantasy and into reality, I was amazed that he thought/thinks I could do the same to my family that he did to his...
The more I talk about this, the sicker I get, I have become such a deceiver, OM bought it hook, line and sinker...All under the name of love, it's disgusting.
I wish he would have just left me alone each time I ended it, but he had to much access to me..and I was weak.
Am I not partially to blame for him being out of touch with reality, I helped create the fantasy..

AW,

Disney makes good fantasies too, and I enjoy them, but I don't run my life off of the tracks for them, and interestingly neither do you. I think you should regret many things, but not ending your marriage for this guy IS NOT ONE OF THEM.

He is alive right? He has a brain right? He has been divorced for 3 years right? You are still married right? That ought to be a clue to even the most "fogged" out mind, that the plan has a flaw in it. The flaw being you don't want to leave your H and your family. It has always been true, and it is true today. You want to know how I know?? You are still with your H even after he found out. You stayed and he wanted you to.

WU, it is time you woke up to something else and that your actions did NOT correspond to this fantasy, that deep down you have ALWAYS known where you should be. And that is NOT with OM, but with your family. I know you have been and maybe a bit "fogged" yet, but deep down YOU KNEW the truth and now you are speaking the truth. You don't want to leave your family or even your H.

As much as you deny it, your actions speak very very loudly. Tell OM the truth as you now face it, but always knew it to be deep down in your soul.

WU you are here for a reason and that is because you knew and you know you want to rebuild your marriage, not start one with OM.

Please think about this.

God Bless,

JL

Waking Up-

I love Mercy Me.

I understand the inner struggle of knowing how much of a lier you have become. I assume he thinks (still) that 11/1 you are moving to be with him. You know your not...but he thinks you are. He does have his inner doubts, but you have assured him you will follow through with your "plan".

Okay... it's time to wake up in the morning and stand in front of the mirror and say to that stranger facing you..."It ends here. No more lies, no more deception, no more fantasy." You can't reclaim all the lies you have already told but you CAN decide to start telling the truth now. You have lost yourself, your honor, your integrity. BUT, God still believes in you. Amazing isn't it?

You have to tell him you have decided to "do the right thing". "It's time. I have to end this now."

WU, right now go into the other room and look into the eyes of your children, smile and tell them you love them. Then give them a hug. Then go into the bathroom and look into the mirror. Who do you want that person to be?

You CAN shape, mold and change yourself. You can decide that the person you have become is not the person you want to be.

So... What are you going to DO. I know what you THINK. I know what you WANT.

What are you going to DO?

It's time.

God bless you.

2scared

JL,
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
WU, it is time you woke up to something else and that your actions did NOT correspond to this fantasy, that deep down you have ALWAYS known where you should be. And that is NOT with OM, but with your family. I know you have been and maybe a bit "fogged" yet, but deep down YOU KNEW the truth and now you are speaking the truth. You don't want to leave your family or even your H.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Absolutely! Even though I tried to tune out that voice deep down inside, I knew I would never leave. I even went to counseling to help myself get out of the A.
Thank you for your encouragement.

2scared,
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
You have lost yourself, your honor, your integrity. BUT, God still believes in you. Amazing isn't it?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Amazing Grace that I don't deserve.

As my eyes open up, I see that OM has qualities of H that I was trying to get away from. Interesting isn't it, how we can think someone is so opposite of H and be perfect for us when in reality, we pick the same type over and over. Same problems, different package. Time to deal with the problems at home and stay at home.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Waking Up:
<strong> Time to deal with the problems at home and stay at home. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Exactly!!!!!! Doing ok today?

Today is not a good day. OM came to town, followed me to work in hopes I would see him. I did not see him. When I got to work, he called me. Very upset that I didn't see him, says I'm not making an effort to see him and haven't for months. The lack of effort tells him I'm not leaving 11/1 and if my kids are my main objective in life instead of me being happy and with the person I love, then I should stay married..OM says he could be good for me and kids, but I am not giving him the chance. The best years of our life could be spent together. OM says he misses seeing me, smelling my perfume, touching me. He needs me more right now than he ever has and I will not make the effort...OM says I better leave 11/1 because he feels like he is dying...

I sit there listening to him, part of me feeling guilty, part of me very angry that he is pushing and I can't open my mouth to tell him it is over. He sees the signs, he feels it, he just doesn't want to believe it and I haven't spoken the words. He set me on a pedestal and I can't take the pressure.

How dare OM suggest that my kids being my main objective in life is a bad thing, or less of a thing than being with HIM...

He is so needy and clingy, he's not the strong person he used to be. Sin has a way of doing that to people...I participated in that sin, hence the guilt and sorrow for what I've done and am still doing, stringing him along...

How did I become such a fearful person...Why God, can't I do whats right out of plain obedience and not worry or care about OM's life...I feel he is playing on my guilt..

I know I am rambling, this is my only safe outlet. I just want out and feel so trapped...I keep asking God, just help me do this, help me say the words, then protect me from OM and his contact...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Waking Up:
<strong> I sit there listening to him, part of me feeling guilty, part of me very angry that he is pushing and I can't open my mouth to tell him it is over. He sees the signs, he feels it, he just doesn't want to believe it and I haven't spoken the words. He set me on a pedestal and I can't take the pressure.

How did I become such a fearful person ...Why God, can't I do whats right out of plain obedience and not worry or care about OM's life ...I feel he is playing on my guilt..

I know I am rambling, this is my only safe outlet. I just want out and feel so trapped...I keep asking God, just help me do this, help me say the words, then protect me from OM and his contact... </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">WU...I bolded a quote above that jumped out at me.
Turn this around for a minute- in TRUTH- if you are worried about- and care about OM's life- you WOULD SAY THOSE WORDS.

Can we talk about this for a minute? Do you think there is another reason that you can't break this off?

We can talk. Not sure what to say right now..

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Waking Up:
<strong> We can talk. Not sure what to say right now.. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well...let me ask you this. I think at the end of Oct. something happens where contact is going to be cut off with OM regardless of what you do, is that right? Let's assume that contact ceases.
In the future, how will you feel that you let this end without saying ANYTHING or taking any affirmative steps to end the A yourself?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Waking Up:
<strong> We can talk. Not sure what to say right now.. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well...let me ask you this. I think at the end of Oct. something happens where contact is going to be cut off with OM regardless of what you do, is that right? Let's assume that contact ceases.
In the future, how will you feel that you let this end without saying ANYTHING or taking any affirmative steps to end the A yourself?

I will be forced to tell him on 10/29 that I am not leaving, that we are over. In doing it then, he won't be able to call me or follow me, etc..

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Waking Up:
<strong> I will be forced to tell him on 10/29 that I am not leaving, that we are over. In doing it then, he won't be able to call me or follow me, etc.. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">WU- obviously this is your call (literally! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> )
Just think about whether you are helping or harming yourself and your OM by letting this go on for another 2 weeks.

Thinking of you.

No, not helping either one of us.
Thanks for your thoughts.

2scared-
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
FL and others will tell you the same thing as me. I tried to “let her down easy” when I ended my A. STUPID, STUPID, STUPID! That mistake might be what will cost me my marriage. I wanted to ease out without hurting this OP who I cared for. It just about killed me too. I was stressed for months just trying to walk away being nice.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Can you elaborate? How did you try to let her down easy, what did she do to keep you hanging on?
How did you finally do it??