I too am sorry that I got here so late HW (frankly I'm getting a bit tired of referring to this guy as a "Hero"). But that's MY issue.

I'm sure you didn't get to read my other post before your confrontation, so I'll say a prayer for you.

[long drawn out *siiigggghhhh*]

I'm very worried about you, on a whole host of levels.

This is where only being in cyber space makes this SOOO tough.
(We all just want to walk in there and be there to support you).
Well, we are in spirit....for whatever that's worth!

NG, sorry to here about your H and the job scene. Stick with it though.
Its very rocky during this time....but once you get one, move and resettle... it's WELL Worth this "screwed up" in between time.

In fact, This is one of the things that could help HW.
Getting away from that OW, that whole atmosphere and all those memories and triggers.
'This is a help for both the WS and the BS.
IMO its crucial (especially for those of us that DO and ARE having a problem with it).

Yes, there are some dear souls whom it doesn't bother near as much. They don't know how fortunate they really ARE. CAUSE its not just a matter of "saying" don't let it bother you.
At least not for ME.

Prayers and (((((({{{{{{HUGS}}}}}))))) to you Heroes Wife!!!!

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

DP! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

<small>[ November 03, 2004, 12:26 PM: Message edited by: top rope ]</small>

2b and Top Rope -

You guys mentioned going back to the other thread...I am assuming it was this thread you were talking about?!?!?!

Alright, I'm bumping it up just in case you want to continue to use this or we can start a new one.

Get this - in searching for this thread I found like 3 other threads that were for me but I never saw them?!?!?! How'd I do that? I guess I should pay attention to the thread names. I never look for anyone looking for me. I guess that can attribute to how transparent I feel!

Ok, reality check. Check in here to let me know how you guys are goind. My crisis has had me scrambling and I've lost touch with you all.

Sending love to you all.

Heroswife.

HW,
I really wasn't trying to be disrespectful of your plight or make light of your situation on your other thread by suggesting coming back here.

ON the contrary, I thought you had had about ENOUGH of our advice (& you had seemed to have developed and laid out your Plan) so I thought that by bringing the conversation back down a few pegs ...it might help you relax and take your mind off of all the more serious concerns (at least for a little while).

I'd like this thread to be a calm and peaceful place for everyone to come (in addition to all the advise and support).

But again, fantastic turn of events for you. TOO COOL!

(And even though this may only be a small crack in the armor for Hero's H....with love, understanding and some patience .....it can turn into a flood....or what passes for him as one anyway).

Guess this current crises at least got HW past her triggers? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />
Yes? No? Maybe? Who Knows?

Hey NG, How the Heck did you Miss OUT on all this??
At times like this we need all the Brain cells (power) we can muster.
Even those without suggestions, can always be cheerleaders and route others on.
Besides, ya never know when your own particular "insights" may be just what is needed.
We may not be idiots, but we need to stick together!

Now what was the conversation about BEFORE I decided to Open my Big mouth with all the relationship advise <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> ???

Oh yea,
I was a Skull faced convict for Halloween.

My daughter's butt has totally cleared up (thank goodness).

We got a 97% on my oldest daughter's poster/oral book report. We had 2 weeks but did it all in about 6 hours the night before it was due. (I am passing on my Very Bad Habit of Procrastination to my kids....Help).
It should have been a 100%....but the teacher is fighting us about how to use the word "capital" as appossed to "capitol" when referring to Washington, D.C.. So like .."whatever".

2B....How goes the Puppy Training?
Easier than spouse training I trust?
How'd you deal with your triggers?
Did any of you do any Burnings?

NG....Any more leads on the career front?
How are you and hubby dealing with him Still being there?
How you holding up otherwise?

Truly Hope BOTH of you have payed attention and see that sticking to your guns CAN turn out OK and for the better in the end. Even if it is Rocky in between.
Can anyone say "conflict avoidance"??

Me and the misses are at a stalemate right now.
Neither of us is talking much (at least to each other).
To tell you the truth, I'm just plain ol worn out of trying....of always being the one to HAVE to give in or Do this OR that.....just to make things better.

In my own head....I'm thinking " Hey, I've sacrificed a whole lot here in the last 2 years.....when the heck does she Take over and Help me out for a change??"

Sorry, guess I was supposed to be keeping this "light". <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> ooopppsss

And because I gave so many advice posts....I never got any feed back at all to my other news about myself. Guess that's what I get for being helpful (oh poor poor me) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> .

Feeling sorry for me yet?
"NO"!!
OK, I'll just have to TRY harder!

In any case, maybe this will get help spark this thread again.
later all you lovely ladies
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

<small>[ November 11, 2004, 01:35 PM: Message edited by: top rope ]</small>

Top Rope you are silly!

I'm glad you brought us back here. I need a lighter note. Today has been my take it easy day. Cept for this training class...which I will say I'm learning some things...but it's just dull. I want to speak and not listen!

So give us the scoop on you and Mrs. Top Rope. You aren't speaking?!?!?! Are you letting the gap widen?!?! Has OM called again? How's her job going?

We need info if we are going to be of any help.

As far as you having to be the one to carry the load all the time...that's how it usually is. The BS carries most of the load...it's not fair but life isn't fair.

It's worth the effort if you want to save your M. There's always hope that your W seeing your efforts remain unwavering will encourage her to put in more of an effort. I've also read here that some BSs exagerate the good praise after the smallest of steps made by the WS...kinda like potty trianing a child....sad yes but it works.

Ok, I have to pay attention to this class. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

TP,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">NG....Any more leads on the career front?
How are you and hubby dealing with him Still being there?
How you holding up otherwise? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Thanks for asking. Job search is not going so well. We have handed it over to a paid service. An HR friend of mine said I shouldn't pay for a job search, but frankly I'm tired. Looking for work out of state is like looking for a needle in a haystack. I send out resumes, and we get nothing back. They go into the black hole because the hr folks get too many resumes. He is too good at what he does to not be getting any calls. And his resume is excellent. Soooo we are paying some bucks, but if I yields the job we need, then it will be worth it. The resumes should go out tomorrow.

So now we pray.

ng <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

TP,

I'm sorry we've been neglecting you. I am sorry to say that I do not know your whole story. And sorry to hear that you and your W are not talking much.

I've said this before, you seem to do the large share of taking care of the children. Am I right? I think maybe that means you do a lot of other stuff to keep the home going straight?

Let us know what is going on so we can support you too!

ng <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

HEY, (sticks out tongue <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> ) my W has her OWN MBers "handle".

But she changed it (as well as never comes here)... so I think its "not quite there yet".

Which she changed from "screwed up royally".

I voted for "roped a Dope" (but as usual my vote doesn't count). <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

HW, where'd your sister get too anyway.
Is any of this new info. "news" to her as well?

My H reads and posts here too. But not often. And he doesn't want me to reveal his on screen name. I have learned a lot by reading what he writes to others on here.

ng <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

My goodness!

I taped Dr. Phil yesterday and watched it last night with my W.

(mom to 3 boys and dad to 3 boys are his "family in crisis" this season)...if you didn't know that.

Any of you watch?? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

It really is something to get part of the picture here and then watch it unfold on TV.

They both really are something to do this.
Just shows you how far some people are willing to go to save their family.

Top-Rope -

I saw Dr. Phil yesterday. It was terrible for me to watch. I could not stand it. What a mess. The dad is in limbo and needs to get his head on straight. Do you know if it will be on once a week or what the deal is with the schedule?!?!?! I'm so confused about how someone can treat another human being like that and still claim to love them.

So what's your W's screen name? I'd love to hear her perspective. Do you ask her to read your posts?

Give us the skinny on your household. You are the primary care taker of your children right?

You never give details...ever.....let us in. We don't bite. Ok, I will bite but only if my children are in danger! Mother lion thing...I can't explain it.

Oh my sis hasn't posted and I haven't asked her why. I think it was the reality check she received here. Her H is not very nice. She knows that and to let all of you know that would mean you would only tell her the obvious...get out before he kills you. She knows she should leave and choses not to. What can you do but love her. And I love her through thick and thin and will always give her a soft place to fall...she does the same for me.

If this A did nothing else....it gave me my sister back. Before I didn't try to relate to her or go to her for help. When the A happened she was the only person I wanted to be with because she helped me feel better. and you know what....she hated him for what he did and wanted to tear his eyeballs out....that's how love reacts when someone is hurt. When you are hurt like this you want the people that love you to be angry.....no one else did that. Everyone else just said...oh he's soooo great and wonderful.....it was a terrible mistake...get over it. Not my sis. She said if you want me to go over there and poke out his eyes I'll do it. You say the word and I'll drive to her house alone and personally kick her @ss in her front yard. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Ok, that's my sis's update and I'll get her back on this board if for nothing else education. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

I did watch the Dr. Phil show yesterday. It was weird to hear it on tv and read it here as well. I taped it for my H, but we haven't had a chance to watch it yet.

I have a nasty headache today, so I'm not going to be much for reading and typing. Will check back later.

ng <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

NG -

I hope you feel better! Get some rest!

HW...

I am so happy for you and your husband, what a break through. The road still will be difficult at times but this has opened an entire new door for you guys!

TP....

Puppy training is going great, he's doing fabulous! He's going into his crate by himself now when he's tired, it wonderful. We are getting another one this summer, I can't wait.

As far as you my dear, please share with us what is going on. HW is right, you very very rarely answer questions and we want to be able to help as best we can anyway. So it's time for you to take some of your own advice, and not run away but let us know what is going on.

NC...

Hope you feel better soon! I got your email, I just haven't had a chance to email you back. Our monitor at home went kaput the other night so the only one we have right now is here at work.

All...
H and I are going to have to deal with some changes in his job that is going to impact our marriage once again. I have spoke to him a little about my concerns and fears but he doesn't even know the half of it. I am beyond sick and tired of his job interferring in our lives and not having a "family life". I am sick and tired of him working weekends, missing holidays, and special occasions all because of his damn job.

Anyways, I'm here but maybe just not as much as normal...

Take care!
LJB

2B

Tell us about these job changes. Will you move? Will his hours change? I know he works nights sometimes or he's gone over night quite often. Will that change...increase or decrease?!?!? I know that has to be hard on you. I'd have to say that random days and nights away has to be tougher then the extended period of time I spend away from my H. Sometimes he's gone for months but when he's home he's home for a couple of weeks if nothing else.

NG

Tell us how the job hunt is going? Any luck? Did your headhunter find anything yet? Do they have some policy where they refund your money if they do not find you a position?

More important how are you feeling? Are you getting rest?

Top-Rope

I miss hearing from you. I hope we didn't scare you off by asking questions. If you'd rather just not answer just say so and we'll drop it. No pressure. K?

Tell us what you have planned for the holidays? Any trips to see family? Are the kids asking for anything crazy from Santa?

2B

I need some stamp'n info. Where can I go to get started? I want to make cards for Christmas but I'm lost. Be my guide!!!!

Gonna try to get some work done. I hope everyone is doing well.

Heroswife

Ladies, ladies, ladies:

YOU all are wonderful people, so let me answer this cause apparently ya'll want know....Yes, I am the primary caregiver of my children. Have been since my oldest was about 2.
And even more so now, that I've taken them out of daycare.

Now as to why I don't talk about myself....hmmmm......many reasons actually,

1).For those who don't know...I lurked here for a year.(Before EVER registering...let alone posting).
In that time I used the books, website and the answers to "others" questions to piece together for myself a Recovery Plan.
And for the most part it worked.
That's just my style. I'm a self doer.
So I've NEVER come on this forum and asked a bunch of questions concerning myself or my situation.
So its NOT you guys at all (like I'm hiding something)....its just I've NEVER done that at all and Have for the most part NOT felt any Need to.

2).My problems aren't that big (anymore) ....that I need to trouble folks (like yourselves) with them.
Hey, you gals got enough on your plates with your own situations.....and I wouldn't feel right burdening you with any extra. YOU ALL need to be using all your energy and resources to HELP Yourselves. (perhaps that is just a misplaced sense of not being "worthy" on my part...but it is how I feel).

3). For the most part I already KNOW what ( should) be Doing.
Its just a question of WILL I or not. Or perhaps When.

Or how much "stuff" I can put up with (by/with my W).
Indeed, Many of these questions are STILL being "haggled" over inside my head....and I just need time in order to make the picture clear.
But that's just me...give me the information, I'll sort through it and I'll eventually come to the best conclusion for myself and my family.

4). Not to make you feel bad HW.....but I did TRY this being totally open and honest on the board policy once before (just for you by the way).
It took me about 4 days to do it.....but I laid out my entire life from my childhood experience with A's...to my early adolescent times with my W, to of course the entire A process...and into our recovery.
For me it was very draining and made me very emotionally sensitive as I felt very exposed and vulnerable.

Then sadly, nobody gave a sh*t!! Just a fact. (Or at least it seemed that way to me).
That actually Hurt Me.
And a lot more then I thought it would.
Don't cry for me (I'll live)...but I will say I'm not real eager to go through anything like that again.

Cause truly, I DO like this place and yes, especially (YOU) the people on it. I don't want to have anything negative that I associate with this place....that might make me WANT to stay away.

5). Since I was reading here and communicating to my W about this place and its principles BEFORE she got away from OM....I'm about 92.7% sure HE KNOWS about this place. (After all she told him EVERYTHING....no exaggeration there).

And from what I know about him....he uses ANY & ALL information to his advantage.
Don't get me wrong...I don't think there is much he can DO to me at this point.
It just feels "wrong" for him to have KNOWLEDGE about me, my W or my family....while his life is private and secure.
So this is another reason for keeping my cards close to my vest for the most part. Cause I've told waaaay more then enough, if he is reading here...for him to know where who I am. And that doesn't bother me. I will keep telling about ALL the crap the CLB and my W did. But for him to know WHAT we are up to now, just gives me the creeps.

6). Next, you gals know how much I write. I prefer to have lots of detail and explanations to my posts or responses. And this is for other people. So imagine HOW MUCH I'd have to write....in order to feel comfortable that you each "got it" when it comes to my situation.
Cause I don't think (and this is just me) that I can get accurate counsel, UNLESS you have as complete a picture as possible. (war and peace..uuurggh)

7). I'm a way better giver than receiver. Always have been, even with gifts/sex and the like.

8). Besides, admit it.....don't you ladies prefer men that are at least a bit mysterious? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

9). Lastly, if I let you guys give me your insight, advise or even much needed swift kick in the azz, what excuse will I have then for all of my "procrastination"? (This is a life long habit that I'm just Not ready to give up yet <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> )
[Yea, like I could if I wanted too <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> ].
Sadly, some things we just have to live with (like our spouse[he, he]).

So you can ask, just don't get pissed at me should I choose not to respond as you'd prefer. However, I will at the very least, tell you whether I'm answering or not....so that you don't feel like I'm just ignoring you (cause that's just rude and DOES get people "irritated" at those who do it).

I am considering bumping up a Thread by my wife (kind of old of course)...but it does address the issue that is coming between us at the moment.
It could also give any that are interested at least a bit more insight into my Bizaaaare world.

Top Rope -

I remember you telling me that you posted something one Saturday. I happened to not be on the board that weekend and missed it completely.

I've missed many posts directly to me because I never look for direct post except on my threads because I can't imagine anyone acutally posting 'to me' wihtout me asking for someone to respond. I almost missed this entire thread because I didn't look for it. My sister told me it was out here.

I apologized then and I'll apologize now. I am sorry. I didn't see it and if I had found it before you deleted it I would have been honored to be the person you posted that information to. You may be able to convince yourself that you are worthy or that people do not care about you....I realize some people will think that regardless of how much I care or love them. That will not remove the fact that I do care and I do cherish you as a friend and I hope you will find it in your heart to forgive me for not seeing that thread. I would never in my life do anything to hurt another human being....to think that you think that I did not or do not care makes me sad. I wish there was something I could do or say you make you see that.

You are worthy.

HW,
Hey, I'm not angry
(wasn't even then....just hurt).

But believe me, if I was holding it against you....I wouldn't bother posting or trying to help in however I can.

No, this was just to let you all know (at least partly) why I'm not all that anxious to "put myself out there".
Not saying its right or wrong....just that it is.

I see now that you NEVER intended any harm or malice towards me.
However, AT THE TIME it was....lets just leave it as bad.

Your apology has already been accepted (again I ONLY brought it up again, so that the others would have a clue about what my "problem" seems to be). Or at least one of them.

Believe me "I'm NOT holding this against you"! (in any way, shape or form)
Unfortunately, Misunderstandings and miscommunications happen all the Time (especially in this type of medium).
If you feel you've done something wrong....You are forgiven! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hey y'all,

I am still around. Just busy today. I will post updates later. Right now, I gotta take the boys to the dentist.

ng <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

NG

I'm thinking I'd take a trip to the dentist over what I'm doing at work today! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> Anyway, it's good to hear from you.

Glad to hear from you!