graycloud..I am very prone to fantasy..smile..I have a writer's heart. I fantasize to both ends..both divorce and reconciliation. Lol, I even know (in my fantasies) exactly how each will happen!!

I do have one thing in my favor. If we are to be divorced, it will not happen until next June. Yes, my husband could try to change that, but I'm 99.9% positive that will not happen.

I am already viewing my M with a different perspective. Detaching a little. I am not losing any love...and damn if he doesn't keep depositing!! But I can view things differently..and I'm already going through with plans to change my own life for the better. I'm toying with a Plan B for after the holidays...depending on how said holidays go.

I know I'll be good..I know I'll be okay. But even if I completely withdraw, I believe being served will be a fresh new wound. I already know I can withstand it....and I really don't think about it all too much. I just don't want things to be worse than they have to be...and as you had to face, I want warning.

Maddy....your emotional strength is inspiring! My friends all tell me I am strong but then I cry constantly during the day. I guess I am physically strong but emotionally weak (guess I wear my heart on my sleeve like parkem)...trying work on that though because I know in the end, that I can hold my head high for being a good person who has a lot of success in life and has a wonderful network of friends and family who love me. Wherever life may lead me now, I know eventually there will be a man (my current H or someone else) in my life to share these wonderful life moments with.

kjb, we all have our moments of strength and weakness. There have been times where I've wondered how I will ever be happy without him. Wondered where I will ever find the same kind of wonderful person that he was. I have such admiration, love and respect for him. He is the one I want as my husband, no one else. I really did marry him for life.

lol, you wouldn't have called me so strong if you saw me crawl into my closet a month ago, curl up with my doggie and dirty clothes and cry myself to sleep in there! We just all have our moments.

I know that I deserve more than this..I SO friggin' deserve more than this. We all do. That is what I hold onto.

One more thing - I want to agree with something GC said earlier - see a lawyer now. I know it is scary, but it will answer a lot of your questions and relieve a lot of your fears. A lawyer can tell you how the process works, what rules apply to your state, what to do if you are served, stuff like that. I have not heard of any lawyers in this area who will consult for free - they all charge 180 - 250 for that first hour - but it is well worth it. That money will help you sleep better at night, just knowing what the worst case scenario and best case scenario are. Well meaning friends will give you advice based on what happened to a friends-2nd-cousins-brother and stuff like that. The lawyer - for 200 bucks will tell you exactly what to expect in your state.
A friend of mine was going to file for D recently. She and her H had talked it out - agreed on what they wanted. She went to the court house to file the papers one day, and got there 5 minutes too late. The office had closed. So she went back the next day. She handed over the preliminary paper work and the $380.00 filing fee, and then got this sudden strange suspicion. She said to the clerk "can you check for me, and see if perhaps he has all ready filed?" The clerk did - and low and behold he had filed the day before. Of course the papers he filed were entirely different from what they had discussed. So she went home to wait for her copies. Took another week before she was served.
I tell you that story for this reason - if you go to see a lawyer, ask him if there is a way to find out if papers have been filed, and you are simply waiting to be served.
Again - I am NOT telling you to file - just sharing some personal expereinces with you.
After my first visit to a lawyer I still waited months to go back and see her to file. Just seeing a lawyer, one time, for an hour, does not mean you are getting a D. It just means you are getting educated.

kjb,
regarding cost and who incurs it. generaly each party pays for their side. however if you can not afford an attorney you can require your spouse to pay your lawyers fee's. the more you fight and contest the more it will cost you. the more his lawyer calls yours or visa versa the price increases. it's funny how they call each other and you won't know a thing about it until you get your statement. a lawyer friend (doesnt do divorce) of mine tells me how it's common practice for then to make calls to each other to drive up your bill(i can hear them snickering to eachother). i hope for your sake it soesnt come to it but if it does, try to make your divorce as argue free as possible or you or the WS will be drained of everything. one other point, if it does come to D, when your lawyer tells you that you can't contact your spouse, pay no attention, this is their way of ALL comunication going through them to raise your bill further. good luck and stay in plan A for now.

however if you can not afford an attorney you can require your spouse to pay your lawyers fee's.
No, you cannot "require" your spouse to do pay for anything.
You can go for a court order to get your spouse to pay but that is up to the court, not you.
And just because you have no income does not mean it will be granted either.

And if you do not have the money for the retainer (or very, very good chance of winning) a lawyer may not necessarily take your case.

<small>[ September 30, 2004, 05:03 PM: Message edited by: Chris -CA123 ]</small>

Do lawyers always have to be involved?

Yes Chris, this is what I meant, ofcourse you can't go knock on his door and demand $ for your fee's. However if he is the one initializing the D and she has no $ it is almost automatic that he WILL pay her fee's and she shouldnt have trouble finding a lawyer with that understanding using a small retainer.

kjb, yes you can do your divorce yourself even, buy a book that walks you through it. but i would recommend atleast a paralegal that both of you share.

But always make sure you continue plan A and possibly B before you go there.

So I am feeling a little bit better...a clip from my WH's mom (who has called me at least a couple times a week since May):

Dear K:

I know for a fact that was NOT someone coming to serve you divorce papers! So---do NOT open your door for a stranger day or night, and TAKE your keys and lock your door when you take out the trash or go for your mail. Also, report this to the security people in your building immediately. IF????? you were to be served with papers sometime in the future (which I have no idea about) I would presume it/they will be given to you by S in person. So---stop worrying about that for now, and make sure you are safe from whomever is knocking on your door late at night. And, if you see that person again, call the police immediately. You also need to get yourself some mace or pepper spray to CARRY aimed and ready as you travel alone from your car to your apt. You don't listen to a lot of what I tell you, but this is something you must do starting today!!!!!! I mean it.......

So---that's my soapbox for today. Again, you were NOT being served! And---you must do something about your safety. Get the mace or pepper spray today, and, like I said, have it aimed and ready anytime you are out of the apt. and alone. That includes in the halls of your building. Anyone could grab you as you came around a corner, and force you into your own apt. Does that scare you???? I hope to hell it does! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I'm VERY serious about this....DO IT TODAY/NOW!!!!!! If you don't know where to go to get it, call the police station, and they will tell you what to get and where to get it. Write back ONCE you have it in your hand...... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> We love you, and want you safe.

I know for a fact that was NOT someone coming to serve you divorce papers!
How do you know it for a fact? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />
I do agree about opening the door to strangers, especially late at night, no matter who it is.

but i would recommend atleast a paralegal that both of you share.
I would HIGHLY recommend you do NOT share the same legal people to assure there is no bias towards you or your spouse.

IF????? you were to be served with papers sometime in the future (which I have no idea about) I would presume it/they will be given to you by S in person.
The spouse cannot personally "serve" you papers. They can give them to you but that is not the same as officially serving them to you.
The spouse who filed for divorce is almost NEVER present when the papers are served.

<small>[ October 01, 2004, 10:47 AM: Message edited by: Chris -CA123 ]</small>

kjb, you can have a do-it-yourself divorce in most places. You and your STBX have to be in agreement about everything, however. You can usually get all the forms you need from your county, then pay a lawyer a one-time fee to make sure everything's filled out right and to settle more complicated matters like moving retirement funds around. You can get out for less than $1000 if you do it that way.

If you don't want to get divorced, and your H does, it's gonna cost you to drag it out and negotiate through lawyers.

My WW is stuck right now because she wants me to cooperate with the D and doesn't want to spend a fortune on her lawyer.

GC